Do I rant now or keep it in till a better time?

[Soconfusedandlost]

I have previous threads about father to my DS. Brief recap - DS is 20 months, father has never been involved. Was a fling, got pregnant, turns out he'd been going between me and his ex wife. When he found out I was pregnant, he was adamant about keeping the baby and then left me to go back to his ex/now wife. She was verbally abusive to me and he demanded a DNA test. Then never bothered to see the baby until recently asking for my forgiveness and to meet his son. He has split with wife again and apologised for her behaviour, saying he stayed away from DS to try and salvage their relationship. He admitted to having a drink problem so we decided that he could meet DS if he sought help for this.

He has actually checked him into hospital for detox treatment which is a big step that I didn't think he'd take. However he keeps saying that we're "family" and how proud he is of what me and DS have been through (DS has ongoing med problems). He also says about how his family want to meet me and DS and make up for lost time welcoming us to the family.

My issue is that I am not his family, I am not and will not be part of that family. My role is to facilitate contact with DS and that's it. I am still so very angry at him for what happened and how he acted, abandoning DS during a very difficult time. Part of me wants to let rip at him. One friend says I should hold off as he is in a vulnerable place. Another friend feels I should do it now as if I hold off and then lose it later, it could be more devastating to him. I'll be honest, I don't feel like the anger will ever go away so just not acknowledging it is not an option. What would you do?

[Soconfusedandlost]

Thank you. Lots of wise words he has already tried to convince me that we could try again. I politely explained that it would never happen, we had our chance and it didn't mean a lot if he cheated and lied. He had no answer.

Not heard off him in 2 days and he is due out of hospital today (NHS not private) so assuming either he's fallen already or his ex/maybe current wife is back on the scene again. I have had a very difficult day and hearing @PAND0RA break things down so succinctly had made things very clear.

He knows DS is his son. So he knows he can pursue PR. I don't need to be involved in any of his shit, I can just say that it's up to him. He has my number but not my address so onus is on him to come up with a plan regarding DS and everything is None Of MY Goddamn Business

That feels good to think

[PAND0RA]

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a tough day @Soconfusedandlost but hopefully you are feeling less confused.

You say that he’s in a NHS hospital for rehab ? I think that’s very unlikeLy given what you said in your OP. You told him “ recently” after he got back in touch that he couldn’t see Ds unless he got help. And then suddenly he got an NHS rehab Bed, right in the middle of lockdown.

No way did that happen . These places are like hens teeth with very long waiting lists and hoops to jump through first. I reckon he’s lying through his teeth.

Why don’t you call his bluff and tell him you want to come and visit him in hospital - ask for his ward number . I bet you he ignores you for a day and then replies to say that he’s now been discharged. And probably adds that they said he’s now cured and they have never had such a great patient who responded so well to treatment.

Or ask for the name of his consultant or key worker - say you want to phone them to get advice about how to best support him or how to handle things with your DS.

I hope for your sons sake I’m wrong BTW and he is actually addressing his drinking.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA I know he is definitely on a Ward as I sent a package from amazon with room and ward details and amazon Confirmed it was delivered to reception and then sent to ward.

Its a NHS hospital, but our other local NHS hospital does offer private patient facilities as well so may have been private and I assumed. Before the wauestions, I live on a NHS Trust boundary so am equidistant (about 10 miles) from each hospital.

Main upshot is that there has been little to no contact since leaving hospital so he's either gone straight on the drink or found more important people to see than DS. Either way it's answered my question.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA meant to add thank you for your advice and all the other posters. It's nice to know people are listening

[PAND0RA]

Thank you for answering. And how kind of you to send him a gift but as I think you know , he doesn’t deserve any of your thoughts or kindness.

I’m sure it’s painful that he’s no longer contacting you. But maybe its for the best so you can focus on you and DS. You don’t need this emotional leech in your life.

I’m sorry to say this but Addicts are the best liars in The world and they will bleed you dry for time , love and money without a second thought.

I hope you are getting full child support for your son, it’s the least he can do.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA it was a colouring book to keep him entertained and was my way of checking he was actually in a facility. I'm glad he hasn't contacted us since coming out as on my other thread I said an ideal solution would be if he just disappeared with no contact again. He doesn't pay child support as he works cash in hand so CMS have no way of getting money from him. During a petty moment whilst pregnant, I reported him to the tax office about this but it never went any further that I am aware of

[PAND0RA]

So you are sending gifts and giving time and emotional support to a man who doesn’t pay you a penny for his child ???! The child he persuaded you to have then abandoned you both.

< smacks head off desk >


I said an ideal solution would be if he just disappeared with no contact again


You don’t have to wait for him to stop contact. YOU can stop contact. Let him go to court, establish his parental rights and then try to get contact with your DS.

It’s very very unlikely that will ever happen, he will get bored and move onto another woman.

Seriously, the more you write about him the worse he sounds. Please help yourself to a grip from the MN supply.

Stop responding to any contact from him. Just stop. Stop talking to your friends and family about him. Say you are no longer in contact with him and tell them not to mention him again.

Then spend some of your money, time and energy getting counselling for yourself. You need help to work out why you are chasing this heartless, toxic , manipulative and selfish addict.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you have a child to think about and he needs to come first.