Do I rant now or keep it in till a better time?

[Soconfusedandlost]

I have previous threads about father to my DS. Brief recap - DS is 20 months, father has never been involved. Was a fling, got pregnant, turns out he'd been going between me and his ex wife. When he found out I was pregnant, he was adamant about keeping the baby and then left me to go back to his ex/now wife. She was verbally abusive to me and he demanded a DNA test. Then never bothered to see the baby until recently asking for my forgiveness and to meet his son. He has split with wife again and apologised for her behaviour, saying he stayed away from DS to try and salvage their relationship. He admitted to having a drink problem so we decided that he could meet DS if he sought help for this.

He has actually checked him into hospital for detox treatment which is a big step that I didn't think he'd take. However he keeps saying that we're "family" and how proud he is of what me and DS have been through (DS has ongoing med problems). He also says about how his family want to meet me and DS and make up for lost time welcoming us to the family.

My issue is that I am not his family, I am not and will not be part of that family. My role is to facilitate contact with DS and that's it. I am still so very angry at him for what happened and how he acted, abandoning DS during a very difficult time. Part of me wants to let rip at him. One friend says I should hold off as he is in a vulnerable place. Another friend feels I should do it now as if I hold off and then lose it later, it could be more devastating to him. I'll be honest, I don't feel like the anger will ever go away so just not acknowledging it is not an option. What would you do?

[PAND0RA]

So you are sending gifts and giving time and emotional support to a man who doesn’t pay you a penny for his child ???! The child he persuaded you to have then abandoned you both.

< smacks head off desk >


I said an ideal solution would be if he just disappeared with no contact again


You don’t have to wait for him to stop contact. YOU can stop contact. Let him go to court, establish his parental rights and then try to get contact with your DS.

It’s very very unlikely that will ever happen, he will get bored and move onto another woman.

Seriously, the more you write about him the worse he sounds. Please help yourself to a grip from the MN supply.

Stop responding to any contact from him. Just stop. Stop talking to your friends and family about him. Say you are no longer in contact with him and tell them not to mention him again.

Then spend some of your money, time and energy getting counselling for yourself. You need help to work out why you are chasing this heartless, toxic , manipulative and selfish addict.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you have a child to think about and he needs to come first.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA it was a colouring book to keep him entertained and was my way of checking he was actually in a facility. I'm glad he hasn't contacted us since coming out as on my other thread I said an ideal solution would be if he just disappeared with no contact again. He doesn't pay child support as he works cash in hand so CMS have no way of getting money from him. During a petty moment whilst pregnant, I reported him to the tax office about this but it never went any further that I am aware of

[PAND0RA]

Thank you for answering. And how kind of you to send him a gift but as I think you know , he doesn’t deserve any of your thoughts or kindness.

I’m sure it’s painful that he’s no longer contacting you. But maybe its for the best so you can focus on you and DS. You don’t need this emotional leech in your life.

I’m sorry to say this but Addicts are the best liars in The world and they will bleed you dry for time , love and money without a second thought.

I hope you are getting full child support for your son, it’s the least he can do.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA meant to add thank you for your advice and all the other posters. It's nice to know people are listening

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA I know he is definitely on a Ward as I sent a package from amazon with room and ward details and amazon Confirmed it was delivered to reception and then sent to ward.

Its a NHS hospital, but our other local NHS hospital does offer private patient facilities as well so may have been private and I assumed. Before the wauestions, I live on a NHS Trust boundary so am equidistant (about 10 miles) from each hospital.

Main upshot is that there has been little to no contact since leaving hospital so he's either gone straight on the drink or found more important people to see than DS. Either way it's answered my question.

[PAND0RA]

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a tough day @Soconfusedandlost but hopefully you are feeling less confused.

You say that he’s in a NHS hospital for rehab ? I think that’s very unlikeLy given what you said in your OP. You told him “ recently” after he got back in touch that he couldn’t see Ds unless he got help. And then suddenly he got an NHS rehab Bed, right in the middle of lockdown.

No way did that happen . These places are like hens teeth with very long waiting lists and hoops to jump through first. I reckon he’s lying through his teeth.

Why don’t you call his bluff and tell him you want to come and visit him in hospital - ask for his ward number . I bet you he ignores you for a day and then replies to say that he’s now been discharged. And probably adds that they said he’s now cured and they have never had such a great patient who responded so well to treatment.

Or ask for the name of his consultant or key worker - say you want to phone them to get advice about how to best support him or how to handle things with your DS.

I hope for your sons sake I’m wrong BTW and he is actually addressing his drinking.

[Soconfusedandlost]

Thank you. Lots of wise words he has already tried to convince me that we could try again. I politely explained that it would never happen, we had our chance and it didn't mean a lot if he cheated and lied. He had no answer.

Not heard off him in 2 days and he is due out of hospital today (NHS not private) so assuming either he's fallen already or his ex/maybe current wife is back on the scene again. I have had a very difficult day and hearing @PAND0RA break things down so succinctly had made things very clear.

He knows DS is his son. So he knows he can pursue PR. I don't need to be involved in any of his shit, I can just say that it's up to him. He has my number but not my address so onus is on him to come up with a plan regarding DS and everything is None Of MY Goddamn Business

That feels good to think

[Tappering]

He may well be vulnerable but so is your son. Your priority is your baby and whilst you don't want to kick him whilst he's down, he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions and choices. He doesn't get to be part of instant family with you because he's feeling lonely and guilty.

I would tell him nicely that you will facilitate a relationship with his son, but that is the end of your involvement in his life. And that it's for him to manage his family as they are nothing to do with you. If he really wants PR then let him trot off to court and get it.

[billy1966]

Great advice from @Pandora OP.

YOU have enough going on.

He is NOT a good man.

I would NOT allow yourself to be used by him.

Because he is a user.

Focus on your son and yourself and leave him to focus on whatever.

He is setting up a cosy support network in you and your son when he gets out.

Might he suggest he move in for a few weeks so he has somewhere to go?

He's so selfish and self absorbed, I wouldn't be surprised.

Step back from him and leave him to it.

You deserve so much better, as does your son.

[SoloMummy]

[quote Soconfusedandlost]@PAND0RA not taken legal advice. I don't want to battle him. I'm willing to leave the past where it was, I'll supervise his visits until I'm confident that my DS is safe and will thrive with his input. I don't object to DS meeting his family.

My objection is to his assumption that we're going to do family things together and his family will be my friends and be close.[/quote]
For your own sanity, you need to separate things.

I'd be upfront with him now that you as a 3 are not and never will be a family unit. It sounds as though he believes you'll be a couple otherwise.

His family are lo's also. They've not shown themselves in the best light, but they're the ones who'll need to build a relationship with lo. Your grudges and thoughts are somewhat irrelevant.

Your only priorities are to maintaining yours and Los wellbeing. Given that, I wouldn't be having supportive contact with the ex as it could be misinterpreted. Instead I'd say when ready and in a position to discuss introducing etc, you'll discuss arrangements and schedule outline.

[PAND0RA]

I feel sorry for him, he messed things up with DS, a family member died, another is ill and his life just seems to have fallen apart a bit

Exactly. That’s the dangerous bit. You feel sorry for him and he is reeling you back in.

This is the man who:

Cheated on you from day one
Insisted you continue an unplanned pregnancy then left you
Got his wife to verbally abuse and threaten you
Abandoned you and his own Newborn baby
Encouraged his family to reject their own nephew / Grandson
Demanded a DNA test ( because obviously you were cheating on him)

I’m guessing he’s not paid child support either, even though he can afford to go into private hospital for detox, so he has plenty money.

Now he wants you to deliver up your cute baby for him to play happy families with, regardless of the impact that has on you and your DS.

But now YOU feel sorry for HIM? Seriously, he is not a good person. Do not let him back into your life. You are going to get used and hurt again.

MNers often quote Maya Angelou

“ When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time “.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA I have not visited him. He texts me with updates on detox. I feel sorry for him, he messed things up with DS, a family member died, another is ill and his life just seems to have fallen apart a bit.

[PAND0RA]

I agree that he’s using you as a crutch. I’m just not sure if that’s the best thing for you.

He has treated you and your innocent child appallingly, you don’t owe him free counselling and support. You risk getting drawn into his dysfunctional thinking, he’s already making you very angry and upset.

It’s not your job to Fix his drinking so he can be a dad to your DS. I fear you will end up back in a codependent relationship with him - there’s a few red flags here.

Leave him to work on his own recovery and develop his own support network. He’s not your responsibility.

Have you visited him in hospital or are you just phoning / texting ? I’m surprised he was able to check into hospital for detox in the middle of a pandemic.

I think you should stop contacting him and seek counselling for yourself.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA he is contacting me I think as a way of reaching out. He has admitted that he has cut conta t with his drinking friends which appears to be most people to him. I have never been a big drinker (haven't had a drink since March for my friends birthday, prior to that was May 2019 so hardly drink at all) so I am one of the few people he knows that are not an alcohol related relationship.

I think he is using the idea of family as a crutch through his recovery. He contacted me in March (before lockdown) to apologise and ask about DS. I said no contact until sober. Didnt expect but am glad to see he is detoxing but don't want DS to be basis of recovery because he can then blame me if he falls off the wagon

[GingerBeverage]

Well done for getting through his abandonment in the first place. You have every right to calmly repeat what you will allow in regards to raising your son.
My feeling is that he is using the utopian vision of your 'family' as a crutch or carrot while going through his rehab. And I would worry that if you don't firmly and repeatedly tell him otherwise that he will choose to blame you if anything goes wrong with relapse later.

[billy1966]

OP,
His little fantasies are his alone.

Your instincts are correct to not get entangled.

I agree with posters above, counselling would be good for you.

Your anger is completely understandable.

He is the father of your DS.

If and when you feel he can be alone with your DS, he can then facilitate HIS family.

Until then, they are absolutely NOTHING to you.
They made that very clear with their earlier position.

You sound like a great woman, and a great mother.

Don't let that twat bring you any more grief than he has.
Protect yourself.

[PAND0RA]

Ok so he has no PR now but he could get it if he wanted to.

So why are you having this constant communication with him while he’s in hospital ? Since he’s your ex.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA apologies I probably should have mentioned he has no PR. he's not on birth certificate.

[PAND0RA]

My objection is to his assumption that we're going to do family things together and his family will be my friends and be close

You are not bound, legally or morally, by his assumptions. You don’t need to correct his thoughts. How do you even know what he’s thinking or assuming if you are not talking to him or reading texts and emails ?

You are too caught up with him and what he wants or thinks. He’s your ex, you need to detach. Only deal with him to arrange contact about DS.

He’s still using you and you are letting it happen.

Please think about going for some counselling. I mean alone, about you. And no you don’t need his permission, you just phone up and book it.



If he has parental rights to your child, how are you going to insist on supervising contact ?

And why would your getting legal advice mean battling him ? You don’t need his permission to do so.

[Soconfusedandlost]

Thank you. I've tried to be let the past be the last because it's in best interests of DS. He is young enough that if his father disappears again, he won't have much memory of it.

I don't want us to get too entangled with his family either as when we were together I was unaware of his ex wife being in the picture. He mentioned her in passing as he was still seeing his 2 stepsons but that was it. By all accounts, they have a toxic on and off relationship, very dramatic and fiery. I only found this out afterwards hence why I didn't press for contact, was happy to drop him like a shitty stick. I know he will go back there and don't want to be dragged into all the drama like I was while pregnant.

Good ideas tho to calmly state that he is DS father and his family are his relatives but there are no links to me and should be kept separately from the beginning

[CodenameVillanelle]

So he's in recovery - good for him, but that doesn't mean you don't tell him how it is. If he calls you 'family' then firmly say 'we are not family, you are DS' father and your family are his relatives but you are no more than that to me'
Make it clear that any relationship between DS and his family is for him to facilitate during his contact time (in the future, when he actually has unsupervised time with him)
You don't need to rant but equally too don't have to put up with his bullshit because he's in recovery.

[Oldraver]

I would just play it cool, yes if he goes on about saying your a family you can tell him you're not

Frankly I think he is in an alcohol fuddled state of delusion. Tell him when he's sober he can start to work towards contact

[Dacquoise]

Hi @Soconfusedandlost, you very understandably feel anger towards this man for the callous betrayal of you when you were vulnerable and needed his support. Now he is in a vulnerable position he wants you to put that aside , understand him and support a fantasy he has created about you and his child. Perhaps the best place to deal with your feelings safely is through some counselling. You shouldn't have to suppress your feelings for his sake.

[Honeyroar]

I’d tell him that you were disappointed and slightly disgusted at how they dropped your DS. Tell him he’s got a lot of making up to do to him in the future. Tell him you or the court can work out how to move forward so DS can get to know him and his family. But add that you are nothing to do with him or his family so please stop saying you’re a family. You aren’t and never will be.

[Soconfusedandlost]

@PAND0RA not taken legal advice. I don't want to battle him. I'm willing to leave the past where it was, I'll supervise his visits until I'm confident that my DS is safe and will thrive with his input. I don't object to DS meeting his family.

My objection is to his assumption that we're going to do family things together and his family will be my friends and be close.