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Do lots of men do this thing my husband does?

(363 Posts)
Dudududodu Tue 19-May-20 19:12:18

I’ll keep this brief.

My husband has sexted people for basically all of our relationship. I have caught him two or three times in the 20odd years of our relationship. Before apps it was chat rooms. I’ve just found out the true(ish) extent of this behaviour spanning the first 15 years of our relationship. He has met at least one that I know of for casual sex and I stayed with him because I believed he had gone temporarily crazy (I was young/naive).

He claims to not know when the last time he did this was. I have proof of 2014, so that best case scenario. He claims to have suddenly grown up since then. He’s now late 30s.

Is this a normal thing that men do when they are young? I’m not okay with it but can’t get away from the boggle that I’m Overreacting (what he claims)

He’s not going to stop overnight, right? I mean, that’s just unrealistic isn’t it. Why suddenly grow up a few years ago for no reason?

(He’s also had three known affairs)

Please reassure me I’m not crazy. I’m in the process of moving out but I’m wavering.

FredaFrogspawn Tue 19-May-20 19:14:15

Sorry but you are crazy to be wavering! You know you deserve better than this. It’s not normal, no. Not for a married man. It’s deviant.

Cabinfever10 Tue 19-May-20 19:15:05

No this is not normal behaviour and it will never stop
Sorry flowers

SporadicNamechange Tue 19-May-20 19:15:17

Oh, OP. You know that sexting, meeting for casual sex and affairs are not just something that men do when they're young. He's an unspeakable shit and you are in no way crazy for leaving him. How could you ever trust him?

Lostvoiced Tue 19-May-20 19:15:20

Cheating? No, that's a thing cheaters do.

Get rid.

'Overreacting' wow, how does he expect you to swallow that?

rosesareredsometimes Tue 19-May-20 19:15:23

Move out!

He will never respect you and I'm surprised you have put up with this as king as you have. Three affairs on top of the sexting makes a sham of everything that being married is supposed to stand for. How do you ever trust him to go out etc? Are you not sat worrying what he is up to?

Of course he says you're overreacting. He is having his cake and eating it at the minute. Don't let him gaslight you any longer. Pack your stuff and leave and find someone who won't want to do this to you.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation but deep down you must know this isn't how it's supposed to be.

Menora Tue 19-May-20 19:16:17

Can you explain what you are wavering about?

He has cheated on you many times in many ways. Of course he thinks you are over reacting because he thinks this is ok. It isn’t ok!

DartmoorChef Tue 19-May-20 19:16:28

Of course it's not normal, ok, or acceptable in a relationship unless its something both parties agree on.

He has cheated on you three times (that you know of).. Why are you wavering??

Im sorry but he thinks you are a mug abs a doormat and he can do whatever he likes with no love or respect for you.

Have some self respect and get rid of him.

foreversville Tue 19-May-20 19:16:49

Err he sexts over women and has an affair three times that you know.

No, even for this site this is pretty shit behaviour.

You're in an open relationship but you're the only one that doesn't know it.

ColdToesHere Tue 19-May-20 19:17:11

Nope. Not normal
Stop wavering and keep moving. You deserve better.

Chungus Tue 19-May-20 19:17:50

No, of course not.

SummerHouse Tue 19-May-20 19:18:13

Three known affairs. That's enough. You don't ever have to question this decision. He will never have and would never deserve your trust.

Doowop20 Tue 19-May-20 19:19:03

I’m not sure why you are focusing on the chat rooms when he has had three know affairs. That’s nothing to do with his age.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Tue 19-May-20 19:19:15

Of course that isn't normal. He's cheated multiple times. That's not something that "men" do, it's something that cheaters do.

4amWitchingHour Tue 19-May-20 19:20:41

No, never normal, regardless of age. Move out, work on your self esteem, then find someone who actually loves you thanks

Cambionome Tue 19-May-20 19:27:37

Op - you are under reacting!! This is awful!

Cocobean30 Tue 19-May-20 19:27:37

What the??? No it’s not normal at all you need to leave him

Dudududodu Tue 19-May-20 19:32:55

To answer a few questions. I am wavering because of the family etc. All the reasons you would expect. I don’t want to hurt him and also I don’t want to break up with him. I can’t explain but I bet lots of you get it.

The last of the three affairs was four years ago (that I know of. They stayed in casual contact until a couple of years later but no proof of anything more). I know I can leave for whatever reason, but I rep freezing and then feeling like it’s too late and I might be being unfair.

I stay for the kids, which is illogical.

I stay because I don’t believe I could do any better (he’s great on paper. Quite a catch!) so I’ll have to watch him remarry someone better. I know this is selfish and self-absorbed. We split once and he had women queuing up for him.

He says it’s just toilet humour/curiosity. He wouldn’t sleep with any because the one time he did, he couldn’t finish and gated every minute. I know this is bull crap! But can’t shake the what if feeling

IdblowJonSnow Tue 19-May-20 19:33:07

Please leave OP! There is probably even more you dont know about, genuinely not wanting to stick the boot in, sorry.
He will never change. Go and start a new life without him.
And consider an STD test.

Dudududodu Tue 19-May-20 19:34:20

The other two affairs were only kissing and sexting apparently. I don’t believe him obvs.

Windyatthebeach Tue 19-May-20 19:35:21

He has no respect for you or your marriage.
He is a shite df risking the stability of his dc's life so flippantly..
He is an absolute piss taker imo.
Maybe the Cms and a solicitor can bring him back to reality..
Before you need sti testing and a shrink..

bibberdybobberdyboo Tue 19-May-20 19:36:03

Omg what a wanker! He's treating you like shit and you are letting him if you don't leave!

Fluffycloudland77 Tue 19-May-20 19:38:11

Blimey, I think you can say you’ve given it your best shot I really do.

As far as I know my dh isn’t sexting anyone.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 19-May-20 19:39:13

He doesn't respect you. That should be reason enough to leave. He thinks you are a 'little woman' who should put up and shut up because he says so. He doesn't even credit you with enough intelligence to know what he's up to, or to know that he's telling these 'other women' things he should be saying only to you. He's probably telling them all sorts of invented unpleasant things about you so they feel sorry enough for him to shag him.

It's not what he's doing, it's what it implies. That he really doesn't care about you (or your family).

Yester Tue 19-May-20 19:40:32

You are teaching your children that being treated badly is OK. He will get worse not better. My husband of 20 years has never done any such things . You and your children deserve so much more.

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