Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Struggling with housework and the other half :((52 Posts)
I'm a teacher and still doing a fair amount of work each day and my other half is a TA, who has no work at all. I seem to be doing 90% of all housework even though I'm the only one working.
It's really getting to me, I know I doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but it's starting to bother me. We've been together just under a year.
Whenever I mention it he gets defensive. I got up at 7am this morning to do housework before school, and he stayed in bed.
Does anyone have any tips? - positive only please!
Tell him to shape up or ship out.
You are not a cleaner, nor are you his mother.
If he wants that then he can fuck off home!
Do NOT put up with it.
This will set a precedent for your whole relationship.
But really..... Do you want a lazy, entitled shit as a long term partner???
It's only a year.
Cut and run now!!!!!
This will NEVER get better!
There are no positive tips. He's an inconsiderate lazy manchild who is happy to watch you working your arse off while he does fuck all. Youve6tried to discuss it like an adult and he got defensive to shut you down and continued letting you doing his share.
My tip is to stop doing it. Cook your own food, wash your own clothes and do your own shopping. Or accept that you didn't know what a manchild he was until he moved in (I'm presuming it's your home) too soon and cut your loses.
And in the grand scheme of your life it's a huge thing! Utimatium time. And mean it. Thank God it's early days and you don't have kids to add to your workload!
I agree wholeheartedly with @hellsbellsmelons
Yeah, get up and go to work and leave the chores.
If he's acting like one of your kids, rather than DH, treat him like one and live a list of things to be done.
Yes, my tip is, don’t do the housework.
Leave it until he notices and then tell him to do it himself. Lazy sod.
He think that’s ‘woman’s work’ therefore nothing to do with him. I would have a massive fuck off row with him over it and either he changed his way or fucked off. You are too early in the relationship to accept this from him.
What Hellsbellsmelons wrote. This is not a relationship you should be in.
Show him how to pack a bag and close the door on his way out.
Just tell him 'hey X, I've tried the polite route but you ignored that, so I'm telling you, you need to start to pull your weight around the house, I'm currently working AND doing 90% of the housework/cooking/cleaning etc and you're not working and barely lifting a finger. Sort your shit out'
If he gets huffy show him the door, you don't need an adult sized kid as a partner, you need an adult partner!
It's been less than a year, and his true colours are already showing themselves. He is a selfish, useless man child. This will never, ever change. Get the cocklodger out and move on.
I would stop doing the housework! Tell him you are not his servant, he is a grown man and it is not your sole responsibility to make sure things are done around the house, you both live there! He is taking you for granted and doing what he wants as he has it easy!
Explain to him you don’t want to nag and that no one enjoys that! and that you don’t actually enjoy doing chores either but it has to be done and it has to be done together. Maybe you should say how unsexy it is having to treat your partner like a child asking him to do things that he should already be doing? Maybe that will give him a bit of a wake up to pull his weight!
Definitely don’t let it continue though otherwise you will end up being the one doing everything forever so need to try and start how you mean to go on.
Maybe he's not doing it because you are getting up and doing it before work?. Stop doing that and tell him to stop being a lazy arse and clean up whilst you're at work. If you're together under a year I'm guessing no kids, how much housework can there be?
I see it like this.
I love the shoes, I buy them.
But when I wear them, they hurt my feet.
Every time I choose them, they hurt me.
I end up not being able to choose them because they irritate me.
Trouble with men like this is, in small increments of 'it's not thaaaat serious....' they piss you right off......and you end up not choosing them.
I know I doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things
Yes it bloody does. Why wouldn’t it matter that one person in a household thinks they’re better than doing an equal share of work to maintain the house? Never mind if they’re not working while the other person is.
It's serious talk time I'm afraid.
Tell him it's time he started contributing to the running of the house.
Don't ask him to help you. It's not a choice and he isn't 'helping' you.
If he refuses then that tells you all you need to know about his attitude to you and your role within the relationship.
Honestly, don't stop doing the housework rather than face up to (and have) the row about how badly he's prepared to treat you. It's tempting, but it doesn't work.
If he's insulting you to shut you down, end it.
I'm going to bet that he's the 'I don't want to break up' ( but I won't change either) type.
Just a guess mind. Also (another guess) has he ever spoken pridefully about how stubborn he can be?
Oh I don't know - living together 24/7 is really getting on everyone's nerves, so not sure the confrontational approach is helpful at the moment.
How is he the rest of the time?
What works for me is that I will do the washing up if it's really bothering me, but otherwise will leave it. If it bothers anyone else, they can do it.
We did try a rota system, but the kids broke several plates and glasses.
Think the issue of housework accounts for something like 70% of all couples arguments.
@hellsbellsmelons post is spot on!
He is showing you exactly who he is. This is how he intends it to be. Forever. I'd say get rid immediately. You deserve far better than this shit.
Absolute wank. He clearly thinks it's womens work and that you are the housemaid.
I'd nip that in the bud right away. I was married for 18 years to my 2nd husband and he never lifted a finger. Even when I was waiting for spinal surgery he wouldn't mow the lawn and I was the bread winner!!
I stopped having sex with him, stopped cooking, shopping, ironing his clothes.
So he went off to work looking like a tramp everyday and got fired, never cleaned his teeth, cooked his evening meal in oil getting it everywhere and leaving the oily mess and eventually ran off with another woman after whining about sex or the lack of 24/7.
The only thing I would ask is why do you expect him to get up at 7 if he's not working - why not let him do the housework when he gets up as long as it isn't 5pm?
But certainly I'd be asking him if he's serious about this relationship.
I suggest you tell him he has ONE chance to step up, immediately, and do 50% of the housework/cooking/laundry without being asked and without instruction. Although a decent person would do at least 75% given that he is not working. If that doesn’t happen, do one last job for him - pack his bag and throw it into the street for him.
This will be one hundred times worse if you have children. Guys like this don't change, they genuinely believe that housework is for women and that women should do it because they are inferior to men. He is telling you who he is, you should believe him.
Sounds absolutely awful. Don't choose that. they never change and they never get better. Men know they can't really say out loud that they think women are inferior in this day and age so they just show what they think instead with their behaviour. He thinks you are the maid and he is showing you who he is; which is great because now you know who he is you can decide whether you want to be a maid or not or whether you want an equal grown up partnership instead of a man child
Please login first.