My adult son lied to me. Now what?

[tumblelord]

Following on from my previous thread. I recently found out that my 38 year old son has been lying to me for years. He has a DS5 and DD2 and has been going through court to see them. He said that he hadn't been allowed to have contact with the children because his ex had made up lies about him. It seems that they weren't lies.

He was aggressive and threatening to his ex when she was pregnant. He isn't allowed to see DGD because she's seen as vulnerable due to her age. He is now allowed contact with DGS but DGS refuses to go with him. He smashed up a contact centre, made malicious reports to social services and spend hours parked near his ex's house to intimidate her.

He has been living with me since his relationship ended but I can't face being in the house with him at the moment. I only found out on Saturday when I was cleaning his room and found a court bundle. I can't kick him out because he only earns a small amount and doesn't have the income or paperwork to rent somewhere. I don't know what to do. I have no relationship with my grandchildren because I love and trusted my son. I feel such a fool.

[funnylittlefloozie]

You were cleaning a 38 year old man's room?

I think you should tell him to leave. If he doesnt earn enough for a room in a shared house, then he can go and get a second job, can't he? Then, once he has gone, contact your DIL and bloody GROVEL to her, apologise for not believing her and tell her how disgusted you are with your son. That will be the start of rebuilding a relationship with your grandchildren.

[RantyAnty]

First off apologise to your former DIL.
She may allow you to see them without your abusive twat son.

Second, why isn't he earning much money? What is his job? Does he have qualifications?

Third, require him to go to anger management and counseling if he wants to continue to live with you. ffs stop cleaning his room. He's nearly 40, not 4. He needs to do his fair share of chores around the house if he wants to live there. Stop pandering to him and coddling him.

[Finfintytint]

Yes you can kick him out. He’s 38. Why were you cleaning his room?
Bad news. Get rid.

[Sarahlou63]

Stop being so bloody rude to the OP - she's in shock.

[teenagetantrums]

No you can ask him to leave give him a week then change the locks. If you want to see you grandchildren you better have a serious talk to their mother and explain what you have just discovered and that you have thrown out your son.
You probably now need to choose between your son and grandchildren

[AutumnRose1]

I agree with funny’s comments

Did he live on his partner’s income before moving in with you?

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

Yes, you can kick the abusive shit out. Perhaps you can have a relationship with your grandchildren then.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Of course you can kick him out. It’s your home and you don’t want to be in it because he is. He’s not big on facing the consequences of his appalling behaviour so it’ll be a healthy lesson for him.

[Lentilbug]

He's almost 40 why are you cleaning his room. I'd give him notice to leave. He's supposed to be a man and a father he should be able to work out how to support himself and get his shit together. Once he's out if you grovel hard enough to your ex DIL maybe your grandchildren can come spend time at your place instead.

[saraclara]

What @Sarahlou63 said.
Can people just be kind for a few minutes?

OP, are you scared of him at all?
I honestly think you should get him out of your house. And then contact his ex, tell him what you found, and let her know that you've thrown him out. She might not instantly let you see the children, but hopefully you can build a relationship with her slowly.

[saraclara]

FFS, her cleaning his room is of NO IMPORTANCE AT ALL at this point.

Get a grip, people.

[AiryFairyMum]

Men who talk about their crazy exes always bring up red flags, whether that's as potential partners or members of your family.

[Dontsayfuckorbugger]

Your son is a liar and a bully. You should confront him and be ask him to leave. He can get a second job and go elsewhere. You need to speak to his ex, apologise your heart out and earn her trust in the hope you can form a relationship with your DGC. Good luck as it wont be easy but I wouldnt want to live with someone who thinks intimidating and threatening women and children is acceptable. Your DGC need to be your number 1 priority not a 38 year old bully

[Finfintytint]

Saraclara. Very relevant. Read the post again. It explains dynamics, power and enablement.

[AlunWynsKnee]

That must hurt.
At least you know now and you can decide what to do with it. I assume you would like to make amends with dil so you can start that.
DS needs to rent a room and face up to what he's done.

[TheBouquets]

Are you afraid that he may attack you if you tell him to leave your house? If so you might have to get someone to be with you when you do maybe even the Police.
His conduct has been awful. You dont give your age but at a guess you might be high 50s? You are heading into being a vulnerable woman of age. You should not be living with someone who has behaved in the way your son has

[unfathomablefathoms]

I think I'd be heartbroken to learn this about someone I loved and trusted, my own family. Because I'd be angry and devastated he could have done such terrible things and I wouldn't want him anywhere near me, but he'd still be my family who I loved and had shared my life with and thought I knew. It's not just betrayal, it's a loss.

Easy for people to say kick him out, like it's black and white ... I think it's what needs to happen, but managing it instantly seems unrealistic.

I do think you need to apologise to your DIL for not believing her . I doubt you'll be seen as a safe person to have in their lives while he lives with you and you are supporting him. It will take a lot for you to earn her trust and that of those supporting and safeguarding her and the children.

Where is his own father in all this? Do you have support around you?

[notapizzaeater]

I'd speak to your dil and explain how he'd lied to you too and makes move to get him out.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I'm really really sorry this must be horrible for you, have you spoken with your husband (if he is on the scene, you mentioned him in your last post) a united front is necessary here!!

Please be open to advice on this post though OP, you were very reluctant to accept any criticism of your son on your last post and I don't think that helped you resolve anything! What he has done is disgraceful, and he needs to know this is not ok so you absolutely cannot justify this in any way. It's time for him to go, tell him you love him and always will as he is your son but you're disappointed in him for his behaviour and he needs to move out, get a proper job, stand on his own two feet and begin to provide for himself and his children. Him being self employed was 100% to get out of paying maintenance, and that's not fair!

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

You poor thing. He's lied to you, but abusers always lie. That must be very hard to deal with, and I hope you will be able to find support to deal with it, but I think you need to set some priorities first.

Firstly, do you feel safe with him in your home?
Do you feel safe asking him to leave your home - you absolutely can do this. His earnings etc aren't your problem, he's a grown man.
Apologise to your DIL. Do it wholeheartedly, If you can repair this relationship you can rebuild the relationship with your DGs, but this will have to be done slowly. Above all, don't expect contact if your son is still in your house - it's just too much for DIL to trust you to manage that.

Be kind to yourself.

[unfathomablefathoms]

Why does your update on your other thread, posted today, describe his behaviour as merely "unpleasant"? That's some serious denial.

Is that what you think his protracted abuse was? Simply unpleasant? I find that view rather hard to sympathise with.

You said you believed him because why else would he spend £14k and years of his life fighting for access through the courts.

Now you know he was doing that as a way to abuse, hurt, frighten and control his ex. It's what viciously abusive men do - use the court system to harass and abuse.

Is he self employed to avoid paying maintenance for his children? Has he paid maintenance? Seems pretty calculated.

The only way to get any kind of positive outcome here is to work on accepting that truth and ceasing to minimise and excuse his very deliberate abuse.

Why have you been enabling him? At times it reads like you felt obligated to in case it damaged his chances in court proceedings, but at others it seems like you're just hellbent on putting him before anything else.

If you do apologise to your DIL, make sure you don't describe the years of abuse he has put her through as him being "unpleasant" . I think that might just destroy any chance of building bridges. You've hurt her enough already.

[Interestedwoman]

So sorry this has happened to you :(

Benefits exist- he'll be able to get a room or flat. IMO you might want to get in touch with his children's mother as she may let you have some relationship with your grandchildren, and at the very least you can tell her you understand.

I'd tell him to leave, but have someone with you when you do it. Hugs xx

[unfathomablefathoms]

I think you should have linked to your other thread.

[Seaweed42]

Why does he want access to the children? Is it to have a loving relationship with them, and emotionally and financially support them til they are adults?
Or is it to get revenge on his Ex?
In which case, to him the children are just objects to be manipulated for his own purposes.

[Catmaiden]

I, too, think you should have linked to your other thread. I agree you need to tell your son to leave, and that you need to apologise to your ex DIL and hope she's willing to forgive you and let you have contact with her children