Rebuilding marriage after infidelity

[Katrinawaves]

I’m 3 weeks in from having discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone for 18 months. He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work. We’ve started attending couple counselling together and he’s also having individual therapy. We’re trying to make time to actively be together rather than just mindlessly watch TV together in the evenings but I have to go away for work for a few days next week.

For those who have been in this horrible situation and made it out the other side, what advice can you give. What worked or harmed the process. We’ve been married for a long time and have 3 children together (youngest still at primary school) so there are lots of reasons to try to forgive and get past this if I can.

[ProseccoIsTheAnswerHere]

3 weeks in I’m really surprise you are both trying to spend time with each other tbh, I don’t know how you can even look at him at this point.
18 months is quite a long time too.
None of this is a quick fix. It can be a rollercoaster of hell for years. Is it worth it?

[inlectorecumbit]

18 months of deceit.. l wouldn't bother trying to get past it. Game over for me

[Katrinawaves]

I’m not saying it’s easy and I agree 18 months is a very long time but the marriage is also a long one so less than 5% of the length of the marriage.

Given that I’m trying to see if we can get things back on track, and have children in the mix, I was hoping for more constructive responses to be honest. If I do LTB ultimately so be it, but I’m trying not to go straight to that point.

[aweedropofsancerre]

Good Luck as cheating is a one strike and your out. Couldn’t bare living with constant anxiety and worry they would do it again. It’s so deceitful. 3 weeks is very quick for you to have forgiven him and rushed to counselling..... take it he has blamed you it’s lack of something in the marriage

[Faith50]

Katrina You are very calm for someone who is only three weeks in. 18 months is such a long time to live a double life. My dh kissed a colleague and I was a mess for at least the first three months - nightmares, panic attacks, shaky, suicidal. I saw no hope and felt only physical pain. I can be dramatic at times but I really was distraught.

We are in a much better place now but it took almost a year for me to feel like myself again.

Did dh confess or did you discover affair?
Do you have the whole truth?
Do you know who ow was?
Do you know why dh did it? Until he knows why, it is difficult to reconcile.

[aweedropofsancerre]

I would ensure that he doesn’t start dismissing your feelings now that he thinks you are both working towards saving your marriage. You hear so many on MN whose cheating Oh get angry months down the line when there wife wants to discuss it. Open and transparent and I would also be extra careful that he isn’t still messaging the OW

[Katrinawaves]

I wouldn’t say I’m not a mess. I am still very shaken and upset and it’s one day at a time.

I discovered the affair
I don’t think he’s still in contact with her
He’s not blaming me or saying the marriage was bad
I do know who the OW is but didn’t know her before this
We are working to understand why - it started at an extremely stressful period I’m both our lives which may be a contributory factor

[Katrinawaves]

I guess ultimately I still believe he is a good man and a good father which is why I haven’t rushed straight to a decision. Whether I can move past this and rebuild a relationship is still to be discovered

[unfathomablefathoms]

Sunk costs fallacy.

You seem to have had a very busy 3 weeks - have you even had a chance to process your feelings? Or is all the busy-ness a way to run from them?

Personally, I find it quite difficult to reconcile a year and a half long affair with genuine remorse. Sure he's not just upset to have been found out?

[unfathomablefathoms]

So if you hadn't discovered it then it would be continuing. Doesn't sound like genuine remorse to me. He didn't make a choice to end it, did he?

[Katrinawaves]

Yes possibly to both posters above

I haven’t made a final decision one way or the other. I’ve just made a decision to let things unfold over the next few months and see how I feel then. Kicking him out immediately is as much a knee jerk reaction as forgiving him immediately.

He is aware that everything which happens over the next few months shouldn’t be seen as a sign that all is well and that I’m just treading water really until I work out what I want long term.

[Volvemos]

Based on the experiences of friends,, basically give it a go but don’t try too hard:

Insist on couples counselling. Don’t expect it to heal the relationship. Do use it to help process your feelings. It might help you heal the relationship or it might help you split more cleanly with eomotional support.
Take up a new form of exercise.
Don’t comfort eat/drink too much to bury your feelings.
Start saving money, both individual and joint.
Start copying documents and financial statements.
Find a good lawyer now.
If your kids are old enough, be honest with them about what happened.

Overall, keep an open mind about whether you’re staying or going. Let how the next few months/counselling play out determine that. Don’t make big sacrifices/do the pick me dance/or invest your hopes and self esteem in saving the relationship.

If he won’t get outside help/counselling, it’s definitely over. Just take your time and separate in the way that suits you best.

[madcatladyforever]

I promise I'm not being flippant but fidelity was never that important to me in a marriage. It's a big ask to be faithful for 60 odd years and never look at another person.
What broke my long marriage was not that. It was carelessness, laziness, lack of consideration and effort, ignoring my birthday, not being there for me when I was ill and throwing away all the wonderful things we had shared over the years. All of those things.
Compared to that I find fidelity easy to forgive. We are just human and having someone to grow old with is so important.

[Autumnfields]

Ouch 18 months. That’s a big one.

I did try to make my previous marriage work after infidelity. He had emotional affairs and also sexted loads of women over 2 years. One thing I had was that he had not kept one up for a long time. That must hurt.

What worked? Well I was way too forgiving at first. Talked, he was sorry, we did some nice things etc etc. Then he did it again. So that didn’t work. But then I kicked him out for 3 months and also we agreed he’d tell his best friend and his sister. As a way of me not having to be burdened with the secret of it. And for him to bring it out into the open. Also he wanted me to have open access to his phone, his computer and was very upfront about his whereasbouts.

The above really did have an impact for a good while. And he really did see the hurt he’d caused and he EXPERIENCED through being kicked out the consequences. Being able to check his phone etc felt important, but quite hard for me I didn’t like doing it as I was always reminded that trust was broken, and he started to feel his privacy invaded. However he was like an addict so this probably did help break the secret messages.

What didn’t work? Being told by one counselor that ‘I had to look to what was not being provided by me in the marriage’. That was awful. And don’t go to marriage counseling straight away I think. HE has to totally own that he betrayed you, and that is on him. He has to face up to it. Your marriage is not the cause of him cheating. Full stop.

Being too desperate on our side to ‘get back to normal’ and save the relationship also doesn’t work. We have to be prepared to leave in order for it to have a chance at being mended imho.

Mine ultimately didn’t last. Ex Was very selfish and cheated again.

[elizalovelace]

I doubt you will ever truly have another moments peace after finding out he has been cheating on you for such a long time and it would have continued if you hadnt found out.
Is he really worth you spending the rest of your life never really trusting him and knowing he didnt love you enough to stop him sticking his dick in another woman.
Only you know the answers to whether or not you can make your marriage work, but most would not want to in these circumstances.

[Faith50]

It would have been so much better if your dh had confessed. You will never know how long the affair could have gone on for.

You should confirm if your dh has broken all contact. Ask to see his phone, laptop. Check he has blocked ow.

It is good your dh is working on himself. He is taking responsibility for his actions.

Be prepared to be up and down. The next year will be a battle. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Try not to rush your healing as it will only resurface. Let out your emotions as they arise. Your dh must be willing to tolerate your irrational behaviour as he caused it.

[Katrinawaves]

He has shown me his phone and he has blocked her. We share a laptop and PC and he hasn’t been logging out of his email and no sign of contact with her.

He phoned her on speaker phone with me present the day after he broke it off with her to re-confirm it and she did sound like he was repeating what he’d told her the previous day. This wasn’t pre-arranged. He did it during a row!

[Katrinawaves]

I’m not good at processing emotions and grief. I come across to others as calm and in control but usually end up becoming ill months after the event. Not sure how to not bottle things up really. The legacy of a fairly abusive childhood sadly.

[Volvemos]

I’m similar re emotional processing and background Katrina.

Learning to meditate helped me a lot. Also getting a relaxation massage and thinking about what was bothering me whilst on the table- let’s me feel it while feeling safe. Then afterwards, at home, I have a cry/get angry and let myself feel that. After that, what to do next about the problem/situation usually occurs to me.

[Volvemos]

And also, in that case, you’re doing really well to talk about it here. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I’m glad you’ve told us.

[ExcitedForFuture]

He's only doing all these things because you discovered the affair. Not because he is sorry or desperately wants to fix your marriage. If you hadn't found out it would still be going on.

[Katrinawaves]

Thank you @volvemos. Those suggestions sound good to me. I often use massage when I’m feeling low so I can see this working for me

[Katrinawaves]

You are right to an extent @ExcitedForFuture. He’s quite a passive person so it was always going to continue either until the OW called it off or one of us made him choose. But he did finish it when he was put to the choice point. He could have decided to leave and continue it. Which isn’t much to build on but it’s all I have at the moment.

[Aquamarine1029]

Betraying you and fucking another woman for 18 MONTHS.

He’s broken it off, is remorseful and attentive and desperate to make things work.

Nope. He's upset for himself because he got caught. He would still be in her bed if you hadn't found out about it, and he probably still is. He's just telling you what you want to hear because he wants an easy life without the bother of dealing with a divorce. Fuck that and fuck him. Stay with him and he WILL cheat on you again.

[Katrinawaves]

Also he does genuinely seem to be sorry for what that’s worth. When I say he is remorseful I chose that word deliberately as he’s more than just guilty and ashamed. He does genuinely seem to be trying to make fundamental changes for the good. He hasn’t blamed me or criticised the marriage and he seems committed to do whatever he can to save the relationship if that’s possible.