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If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

(426 Posts)
Eggid Wed 04-Sep-19 18:59:45

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

HollowTalk Wed 04-Sep-19 19:01:37

How did you find out? I'm so sorry for you.

MerryMarigold Wed 04-Sep-19 19:02:22

Why did you find out? Did he tell you? Did you discover it? How did it come out? That would be important to me.

Also, if I tried and couldn't let go or forgive, I'd have to call it a day. I haven't been in this position so can't say what I'd do, but living in misery for precious years of my life is not a choice I'd make.

Withington Wed 04-Sep-19 19:04:48

Have you had any time on your own to think without him there? Maybe asking/telling him to go for a fortnight or so to friends or family? Or getting yourself a break away if you can afford it?

For me - 16 months is a long time to lie. I dont know that I would ever trust that he wouldn't do it again.

FiveStoryFire Wed 04-Sep-19 19:07:46

I honestly don't know. There's no right or wrong answer.
You have to try not to overthink it because that will drive you mad.
Can you take some time out and some space to give yourself time to process it? Some time apart may be good.

FiveStoryFire Wed 04-Sep-19 19:09:24

You'll probably get loads of people on here telling you to LTB. But life's not always that simple.

boredboredboredboredbored Wed 04-Sep-19 19:10:21

I couldn't forgive or forget so for me it'd be over. Like pp it wasn't a one night stand, 16 months is a long time to deceive somebody your supposed to love. That will kill it for me.

EvenPhilip Wed 04-Sep-19 19:10:30

Oh my, I think the circumstances under which I found out about it and how it ended would play a part.
16 months is a long time to lie, but one mistake in 40 years needs careful consideration.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

user1493413286 Wed 04-Sep-19 19:11:29

I would probably ask them to leave to at least give me some space. It’s not always that simple as splitting up but you need the time and space to work out what you want

dudsville Wed 04-Sep-19 19:14:45

It's your relationship, so only you can say. If this had happened in my relationship, one where I feel loved, I trust him and feel trusted, I've given things up to be with him, and we have made a wonderful life together that I feel we both have worked hard to create, then I would feel that was all a sham. I would never trust him again if he was able to maintain all that while having an affair, and it would break my heart for the second time (the affair being the 1st) and I'd leave. I'm sorry you are having to work through this.

Eggid Wed 04-Sep-19 19:16:31

I found out in the age old way sad (well - age old since mobile phones were invented). I saw texts between them. There were only the ones they’d exchanged that particular evening as he’d been deleting messages as he went along (as I found out later).

I haven’t had any time apart. Tbh I haven’t really wanted any, I feel I want to keep him close so I know what he’s doing. I guess that tells me I don’t trust him.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews Wed 04-Sep-19 19:18:14

Hmm, I think I would want to separate and work on the marriage from a slight distance.

TripleChocs Wed 04-Sep-19 19:18:35

Please don’t kill yourself because of his actions.

I agree with PP, to take some time out, its not that simple, can you get away somewhere to think things over? Or ask him to get away so you have some space.

My mum has been with my dad since she was a teen too, my dad had an affair (with my mum’s sister!) she forgave him, they’ve been married over 50 years now. I was away at uni at the time so not sure how it was resolved.

Sorry you are going through this.

LochJessMonster Wed 04-Sep-19 19:20:53

The fact that if you hadn’t had seen those texts the affair might still be going on is what would upset me.

Plus 16months isn’t a mistake. That’s careful and planned.

Does he still have contact with her, ie through work?

You’ve tried to work past this but I think once the trust has gone, it’s gone.

category12 Wed 04-Sep-19 19:22:34

16 months is a long time to lie to you.

Eggid Wed 04-Sep-19 19:23:00

dudsville your post really resonated. I felt all those things. We were always together. I had absolutely no idea. Until I did sad.

Thank you all for answering.

Drabarni Wed 04-Sep-19 19:23:57

I would worry how easily he lied and deceived me over that length of time. You sound like you didn't suspect a thing, maybe there are more over your 40 years if he finds it that easy.
I've been with mine 30 years and I couldn't forgive the deceit, nor could I trust him again, so that would be that.
If you feel like this, please don't spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.

Eggid Wed 04-Sep-19 19:24:26

Gosh chocs - with your mum’s sister. I can’t even think of how strong your mum must have been to forgive that.

DBML Wed 04-Sep-19 19:24:32

I’m so sorry. You must be devastated.
Why don’t you allow yourself time to figure it out. You don’t have to make an immediate decision. You can choose to give it another go...or you can choose to end the relationship whenever you want to.
All you probably want now, is for this not to have happened. I’m sorry it has and I hope your husband realises the hurt he’s caused.

category12 Wed 04-Sep-19 19:25:41

It's been ten months since she found out, DBML.

Rubicon80 Wed 04-Sep-19 19:28:08

This is just the one you found out about. You don't have the husband you thought you had. I'm so, so sorry. You still have time to live a better life, a true life, without him. flowers

Eggid Wed 04-Sep-19 19:28:46

I don’t think he has any contact still - they don’t work together - but what do I know? We live in the same town.

He really has bent over backwards to convince me it meant nothing, it was all sex - all the cliches. He’s also said he’ll do whatever I want, and that if I end it, he will obviously be the one to move out.

I think if it had been shorter I could maybe forgive him. But a period of 16 months - and that’s all he’s admitting to - well, those days included my birthday, his birthday, dcs birthdays, Xmas, anniversaries, New Year etc.

DBML Wed 04-Sep-19 19:29:00

Thanks Category, it didn’t register.
10 months isn’t that long though. A friend of mine decided not to continue her marriage after an affair, having taken four years to decide that. Op can still take as long as she needs to make a final decision.

MrMeSeeks Wed 04-Sep-19 19:30:20

Im not sure, honestly op.
I always thought i could forgive one mistake ( drunken kiss, poss ONS) however an affair i do not know.
I could say no, no ever i’d chuck him out but until i was in that situation im not sure. ( if he’d hurt my pet then i’d kick him to the curb for sure!).
I don’t think there are any right answers.
No-one can tell you how you should feel, or if its wrong to forgive.
You need to do whats right for you, no-one else, but either way it will take time.

Eggid Wed 04-Sep-19 19:31:02

Can I really go on to have a better life though - I’m in my mid 50’s. And - cliche upcoming - I love him. I have from the day we met.

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