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Shocked at husband’s drunk rant

(71 Posts)
BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 00:25:57

I’m sorry to say I’ve posted a number of threads and people have mainly thought that my husband sounds abusive.

The idea of this has been very shocking and right now I’m not able to think about leaving, I can’t speak to anyone in real life either, hence this is the only place I can get any support, which is greatly appreciated.

I spoke to Women’s Aid they also said it was verbal abuse.

Today he spent the afternoon in the pub at a work meeting and has come back drunk. I didn’t realise he was drunk, it used to be a big issue in our relationship, he’d get drunk and be nasty and had problems with gambling.

Well today was a bit of a long day as our toddler wouldn’t go to bed and was still charging around at 10pm. My husband got home about 9.45 and managed to get her to sleep. I hadn’t had a break all day so was ready for a rest.

He has booked a weekend away for us next week for his birthday. Then tonight he said he wants us to spend the day we have there with the friend he’s just got drunk with who will also be there. Realistically this means we won’t get to do anything with our daughter like play on a beach as they are doing a BBQ for him.

So I said I had imagined us spending the day at the beach or visiting some other places rather than going to someone’s house. I can understand him feeling annoyed at my opinion but what had shocked me is the was he spoke. He looked at me so disdainfully and has said I should shut my mouth and pipe down and do as my husband telly me. I am to sit back and be quiet and enjoy myself because this IS what is happening. He said I was an offence and ridiculous. I tried to say that I just meant we could meet his friend anytime (he has just spent all afternoon getting drunk with him and generally moans about him).

He says I shoot down all his ideas to meet up with his friends and family and that he will stop me from having friends to visit (very rare). He said this is the reason he won’t have sex with me! The reason I don’t like doing things with his family is that he becomes bolshy and verbally abusive after seeing them. He will often stop talking to me after we have spent time with them.

I find some of what he says very shockinh but really can just be there to support our daughter. He has made me feel horrid by calling me an offence and wet blanket. It’s horrible to see such dislike. I hope people won’t mind me posting again.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 00:31:14

Sorry for typos!

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 13-Jul-19 00:35:26

Yeah, he’s an arsehole. Still an arsehole. Will continue to be. It’s up to you if you continue to pollute your life by being with him.

SimplySteveRedux Sat 13-Jul-19 00:41:52

This cretin is abusing you, gaslighting you and generally treating you like shit.

Where is your self-esteem and self-respect? Do you want your daughter learning about relationships from how this man treats you? You need to enforce your boundaries here. Doing the Freedom Program will open your eyes to what this man is truly like, and give you the tools to do something about it.

SimplySteveRedux Sat 13-Jul-19 00:43:10

You should read "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward too.

savingshoes Sat 13-Jul-19 00:47:57

You were trying to put your little family 1st and that's a very normal and reasonable. You know your child and sound like you were thinking of fun memories for her to have too.
His belittling and threatening attitude is disgusting but you have already said at the beginning of your post that you cannot think about leaving him which is my first suggestion.
He sounds like a ticking time bomb and I would do very little to provoke him until you do decide you can leave.
You do need to protect yourself and your daughter from him.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 00:56:23

It really is ridiculous that I’m letting him be like this, but when I’m in the midst of it he convinces me I’ve done something wrong, I’m ridiculous, ludicrous and now I’m an offence. He threatened to leave if we didn’t meet this friend. I’m more than happy to meet him, just that it means the weekend away is going to end up being a long drive to spend the day there at the man’s hiouse. So we may as well meet him where we live really. He said I don’t care it’s my birthday, you will do as your husband says!!

If I say anything back he says I’m defensive and stubborn andyhow I feel is met with ‘I give a shit’. There is a reply for literally anything I say, he used to be do liovely.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 13-Jul-19 00:57:55

He threatened to leave? Let him leave.

He used to be lovely? That was a front. The real him is a piece of shit.

There’s nothing to debate. The only issue is how much more abuse are you going to tolerate before you end it. That’s up to you.

Maitairiki Sat 13-Jul-19 00:59:53

Let him leave - it won’t be a loss and will improve your life

madroid Sat 13-Jul-19 01:00:23

He used to pretend to be lovely. Until he didn't need to keep it up any more because he thinks you won't leave. Is he right?

jennymanara Sat 13-Jul-19 01:05:57

You know this is verbal abuse. Just at the moment it seems too hard to leave.
One thing that can help is getting in touch with your anger. You should be angry about the way he talks about you.
And when you feel confused when he is being like this, ask yourself - would I talk to him like that? And the answer will be no. So why should he talk to you in a manner that you would never talk to him?

Stefoscope Sat 13-Jul-19 01:16:49

Let him go on his weekend away alone. Seek any support you can, be it woman's aid or on here if necessary. Easier said than done, I know, but I'd pack his bags as soon as he's out of the door and plan something nice for you and your daughter whilst he's off getting pissed to give you a taster of how much better things could be without him. Spend that time planning how to start a new life away from him and consider it an investment in your's and your daughter's future.

Nofilter Sat 13-Jul-19 01:18:04

How can you be shocked at his rant though when this is nothing new? Not really sure what your looking to achieve posting here really.

Do you think maybe you ARE considering leaving and can see that is the only solution?

Your not mentioning any plans to work on this within the relationship either - not that I think it could be fixed he's an absolute arse...

You can do this you know. You are not stuck. You are worth more.

Your daughter deserves to be in a safe and non toxic environment and I hope to god you do not become a statistic of domestic violence as it's so close to that line right now.

Hugs xx

Skiingismylife Sat 13-Jul-19 01:33:22

Baytiger, I do not live with my dh anymore because of this. Drinking was a major problem as after a few drinks he would become a nasty person. It took me years to see this. What hurts in this cases too is that you argue and hurt like a sober person does, they, drunk do not. You remember everything really well, they do not or pretend they don’t when shamed by it. Your hurt is invisible, as it is the argument you had.
It was an awful place to be.

UnderOverUnderRover Sat 13-Jul-19 01:37:34

What's your question OP?

Should you leave him? Yes

Should you put up with being spoken to like that? No

Is a good, healthy environment to raise DC? No

I am really confused why you are still with this person. He doesn't love you and if you love him then you're a fool.

Derbee Sat 13-Jul-19 01:44:13

Tell him you’re not going away on the weekend and neither is your daughter. He can go on his own and when he comes back, you expect better behaviour

CJsGoldfish Sat 13-Jul-19 02:07:28

Why are you exposing your daughter to this? You will teach her that this is how she should be treated. That this is how a family is.

Why?

DeeCeeCherry Sat 13-Jul-19 02:14:32

Well you don't want to leave or speak to anyone in real life so, I guess MN is good for the occasional vent to keep you going for a while. Terrible relationship example for your DD, especially as she grows older. But even now - children sense anger, tenseness & tone. Toxic all round.

He must be made of solid gold.

Jemima232 Sat 13-Jul-19 02:28:44

@BayTiger

I'm sorry to read about all you're going through.

I think posting here is your only safe space at the moment, isn't it?

You have nobody in real life to talk to at the moment. Your husband has ground you down and you believe a lot of what he says because he says it so often. You cannot imagine living without him.

You would love to be free of him - or get back the man who was so lovely to start with.

I really do not believe that this is going to happen, BayTiger and now you're stuck because the thought of leaving is overwhelming you.

How can you pack up everything you and your toddler would need? Where would you go? How would you afford things?

I have been you and I got stuck with the most appalling man for ages. The verbal abuse became violent physical abuse and I was frightened for my life.

I understand what you're going through. But I am telling you that you need to bite the bullet for your own sake and that of your beloved daughter. You really need to be brave and leave, because he definitely won't. Please get back in touch with Women's Aid and tell them everything - about the shoves and pushes as well as the verbal abuse and alcoholism.

You can speak to them online as well as on the phone.

You need to escape from this. I hope you find the courage to do so, as I do not believe his abuse is only verbal. You're afraid of him and so you should be.

If you would like to PM me please do.

expat101 Sat 13-Jul-19 03:05:01

OP its perfectly ok to reply to him that it's fine with you that he goes to his mate's place, but he can go alone. However while there is give and take in any relationship, he shouldn't be forcing you to go with him.

If he goes and leaves you at home, perhaps this is the perfect time to have plans put in place to leave? Please do take the earlier advice and get in touch again with Women's Aid. If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for your Daughter.

Ferfeckssake Sat 13-Jul-19 03:54:08

Please get in touch with Jeminia232.She seems to understand exactly what you are going through.flowers

Coyoacan Sat 13-Jul-19 04:02:48

The comments here are unanimous that the best thing you can do is leave, however you say you cannot leave him, but do not say why.

I think you should start getting used to the idea that you are going to leave him in the future and making plans. If you are isolated, work on your social network. If you are broke, work on your income. But do not plan on staying with him long term as he will only grind you down even more.

GeorgiaGirl52 Sat 13-Jul-19 04:35:00

Is this the kind of man - the kind of marriage - you would wish to see your daughter have? For her sake AND for your sake, you need to leave. Make plans. Stash money. Contact a group that can help and advise you. Get OUT! Even if your standard of living is lower, your mental health and safety will be greater.

Bumpitybumper Sat 13-Jul-19 05:07:48

This is not normal and not ok. I think he has worn you down so much that despite eveyone telling you that this is abuse, you still struggle to believe it and are trying to rationalise and make excuses for his behaviour. For example, you seem to be pondering whether it was reasonable for you to suggest that you didn't want to spend the weekend away with his friend. For what it's worth, you absolutely weren't being unreasonable at all but even if you were, that would not justify him speaking to you in the manner that he did. I have had disagreements with my DH where I have been objectively pretty unreasonable and whilst of course he had pointed this out, he would never ever use the language and insults that your husband used.

You are a worthwhile person and entitled to an opinion and even to be unreasonable or wrong sometimes without someone verbally tearing you to pieces. Imagine a man doing this to your daughter in the future and consider what you're advice to her would be if she was in a similar relationship to yours. I imagine you feel incredibly protective and angry at even the thought of your daughter getting embroiled in such a relationship. You are every bit as important and worthy as your daughter. As crazy as it sounds I believe we all still have an inner child that needs our adult selves to step up and protect from harm and abuse.

BayTiger Sat 13-Jul-19 09:19:11

Thank you to everyone, I remember in the past wondering why people stayed with abusive people and I understand it now. For me a lot of it is believing I’m the cause of it and not trusting my feelings that it’s abusive.

He always points and says it’s YOU if I talk about the way he speaks. I don’t understand how someone can change after 6 or 7 years of being completely different. Of course when we got married and bought a house it got worse/different and now we have a child it’s got worse again.

At the moment I’m not working and I think he feels angry about this, even though me being at home enables him to do things in his career he wouldn’t be able to otherwise. He makes a lot of comments about being the sole earner and how it’s his money I’m spending. I don’t spend much anyway just day to day things like toddler groups. It’s only for another year or so and then I’ll return to work.

I have tried to work on the relationship as someone asked, I’ve taken into account things he has said upset him or are annoying. Like talking too much and asking questions about his day when he comes in. I think he feels upset I’m not always on top of the cleaning as we have a very active toddler, so I do my best with that.

I had thought I was getting anxiety about doing social things but realised it’s just when it’s with his family as he seems to get whizzed up around them and usually starts picking on me afterwards about something I’ve said wrong.

Thank you Jemima232, you have pretty much summed things up. I have told my mum a few things but I don’t want to worry her and I feel embarrassed to tell people as I’ve always been told I’m over sensitive. My husband is very popular, charming and friendly so people would never believe how he can be. He’s never been violent though.

I have posted here a few times as it’s the only place I can be open really. My emotions are completely numb so I don’t feel anything when he goes on at me like that and that’s the worst bit really.

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