Shocked at husband’s drunk rant

[BayTiger]

I’m sorry to say I’ve posted a number of threads and people have mainly thought that my husband sounds abusive.

The idea of this has been very shocking and right now I’m not able to think about leaving, I can’t speak to anyone in real life either, hence this is the only place I can get any support, which is greatly appreciated.

I spoke to Women’s Aid they also said it was verbal abuse.

Today he spent the afternoon in the pub at a work meeting and has come back drunk. I didn’t realise he was drunk, it used to be a big issue in our relationship, he’d get drunk and be nasty and had problems with gambling.

Well today was a bit of a long day as our toddler wouldn’t go to bed and was still charging around at 10pm. My husband got home about 9.45 and managed to get her to sleep. I hadn’t had a break all day so was ready for a rest.

He has booked a weekend away for us next week for his birthday. Then tonight he said he wants us to spend the day we have there with the friend he’s just got drunk with who will also be there. Realistically this means we won’t get to do anything with our daughter like play on a beach as they are doing a BBQ for him.

So I said I had imagined us spending the day at the beach or visiting some other places rather than going to someone’s house. I can understand him feeling annoyed at my opinion but what had shocked me is the was he spoke. He looked at me so disdainfully and has said I should shut my mouth and pipe down and do as my husband telly me. I am to sit back and be quiet and enjoy myself because this IS what is happening. He said I was an offence and ridiculous. I tried to say that I just meant we could meet his friend anytime (he has just spent all afternoon getting drunk with him and generally moans about him).

He says I shoot down all his ideas to meet up with his friends and family and that he will stop me from having friends to visit (very rare). He said this is the reason he won’t have sex with me! The reason I don’t like doing things with his family is that he becomes bolshy and verbally abusive after seeing them. He will often stop talking to me after we have spent time with them.

I find some of what he says very shockinh but really can just be there to support our daughter. He has made me feel horrid by calling me an offence and wet blanket. It’s horrible to see such dislike. I hope people won’t mind me posting again.

[Indigo2019]

The thing is, you will go to the barbecue next week and he will get drunk and abusive and you will have to put up with it as you are away from home with a small child. That’s no way to live.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

BayTiger

Can you at all write about what is actively stopping you from leaving this man?. I could write several reasons as to why people find it extremely hard to leave their abuser but I would like to hear from you.

If there is one person on here I wish could leave their abuser it is you because you have been writing about him for just over a year now and I remember your previous threads.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and what are you teaching your child now. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? If you were to look at your parents closely, particularly your mother here, is he scarily similar to your own mother?. They started this and this man has continued the abuse. You were targeted by this man.

I wrote this previously to you. HE is the one who is difficult here, controlling you and is causing you stress; not the other way around. He is merely projecting his own self onto you and giving you spaghetti head as a side effect is all part of the abuse he is meting out. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, you have taken a small baby step here in writing about this and this is further progress.

[pilates]

Please speak to your mother again or perhaps confide in a friend. Start planning your escape route in your mind. Where you can go and make sure important papers are readily available. Could you stay with your mum? Get some legal advice so you know where you stand legally. I’m sorry you are going through this but it’s sounds a miserable existence.

[BayTiger]

Thank you Attila, you have given me such a lot of good advice. I think the main reason is that at the moment it still seems unreal that he’s being abusive. Also I’m not working just now so that would be a problem and our daughter really loves him. He is not often nasty to me in front of her.

He did say sorry this morning and that he felt frustrated that I didn’t want to go and meet his friend. I just thought as we only have one day there it would be nice to do something like visiting a beach etc. I don’t mind meeting his friend at all in general.

He feels I block all his ideas, well he doesn’t often seem interested in doing much with us so I suppose I have been resentful of this. The things he suggests are big family gatherings where he usually gets bolshy so I’m not that enthusiastic I suppose as it doesn’t feel like he supports me.

I am thinking ahead to the future though and think some counselling would be a good start to see how I have got to this position.

With my background my mum will often shut down conversations if I criticise her and this is how my husband is. But both will tell me my faults and expect me to listen, if I shut them down I would be ‘told off.’

[Jemima232]

@BayTiger

Please do not have counselling to examine your perceived faults.

Your husband is the problem here, not you. And I think you're considering counselling as a way of finding out how to alter your behaviour so that you come up to your husband's standards and make him love you and treat you well.

He is not often nasty to me in front of her (meaning your daughter.)

But he is sometimes nasty to you in front of her.

Imagine your daughter in 25 /30 years' time. If she were married to a man like your husband and was desperately posting on MN for advice, what would you say to her?

If you don't take steps to end your marriage your daughter will grow up watching you being belittled and abused and she will consider that is normal.

I really do understand why you're stuck in the glare of the headlights and cannot figuratively move. So again I urge you to go back to Women's Aid for help in getting away from this man.

[BayTiger]

Thank you Jemima and everyone, it’s amazing how kind people are to a stranger. I really appreciate your replies and kindness and wish you all the best and all happiness . Sorry you went through such a horrible time yourself.

[HopeClearwater]

He is not often nasty to me in front of her

Not often?!

You need higher standards.

This guy clearly has issues. You’ve mentioned gambling and drinking. Don’t bring up your daughter with this going on. She will think it’s nornal and accept that kind of treatment herself when she’s grown up, just like you’re doing. Break the cycle now.

[Cherrysoup]

So you haven’t left him because this doesn’t seem real? It’s very real. Now, why are you staying with someone so abusive? He tells you to do as your husband tells you? Is he living in the 1800s??

[BayTiger]

Well it does sound bad put like that. He was drunk last night and has just said the problem lies in our communication and in the fact I often shut down his ideas.

This I have been guilty of in the past but the main things I’ve criticised him about is advice I’m following from our health visitor which he consistently does the opposite of. So it comes across like I’m constantly nagging I suppose. But I don’t want our child to be getting mixed messages. Some of the things are to do with safety as well.

The trouble is I listen to his concerns and see how I can change things, whereas he says mine are paranoid. For example I said I think he resents me not working based on comments he’s made and he says it’s a conspiracy theory and I’m paranoid. So it closes off the conversation.

He is the type of person who is never quite satisfied with what he has and gets preoccupied with whatever is lacking.

I think I have a lot to keep thinking about and think I will ring WA again next week.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Bay Tiger

re your comment:-

"With my background my mum will often shut down conversations if I criticise her and this is how my husband is. But both will tell me my faults and expect me to listen, if I shut them down I would be ‘told off.’

We do indeed learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You married a male version of your mother. That is what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and you were indeed taught a lot of damaging lessons. You consider what she did "normal" but it is not and your H now behaves the same towards you.

Ultimately you are going to have to completely reassess your relationship with her but the main priority now is you and your child's welfare. That will not improve any as long as you remain with this man.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do ring WA next week and keep posting here too. You need a safe outlet.

[Weezol]

It's often hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of them - been there done that!

Keep talking to us. Keep listening. You don't have to leave in the next five minutes, nobody is expecting that.

Are you still in touch with your Health Visitor? Could you make an appointment to see your GP's practice nurse and tell them a little of what's going on?

It's hard to get out from under, but if I can do it, so can you.

[LegionOfDoom]

What do you want from this? You’ve done so many posts, going back months, on your dh. Every single person has told you to leave him. The answer isn’t going to change. Please, just leave him

[Herocomplex]

You know it would be completely fine if you said you didn’t want to meet his friend, and that you wanted to spend some time on the beach with your daughter. You don’t have to say it’s ‘completely fine’ to do the thing you don’t want to do just to avoid being abused.
You don’t have to live like this. Xx

[Teddybear45]

He’s an alcoholic. Just go with your DC and don’t look back.

[BayTiger]

Thank you for all the great advice, it has given me a lot to think about. I agree it does seem odd to keep asking the same advice when I have been given such clear and good advice already many times. I think as someone said it feels like a safe space to be able to check that I’m not misinterpreting things. I really appreciate all the advice, thank you all.

[Jemima232]

I'm glad you're going to ring WA again, BayTiger

That sounds like a plan.

It is very hard indeed to get your head round what's going on when you're living with someone who puts you down all the time.

You are doing nothing wrong. Eventually, when you've come out of the other side of this and have had counselling, you'll understand how you got into this situation and how difficult it was to leave

But you will leave. When you're mentally ready. I know you've been posting for a year - so what? It takes abused women a very long time to realise that leaving is the only option. This is a classic case of coercive control. Your husband is an arch-manipulator. He knows that (at the moment) you won't leave so his cruelty is escalating.

You're doing nothing wrong but he's got you to a place in your head where you believe that if you change things will improve. You don't need to change. You need to try to start to make a plan to leave him. I fully understand that making that plan is beyond you at the moment.

We're here and we're listening. Keep posting.

[AbbiMarigoldWalton]

He does just seem like someone more interested in drink than you...and everything else...

[Frankola]

I would never ever expose my daughter to someone like that and risk her growing up believing that this is an acceptable way to talk to any woman,then leading to her likely looking for someone just like this man.

You say you know hes abusive and you cant leave. What do you expect then?

[Jemima232]

@Frankola

BayTiger can't leave at the moment. Emotionally she just can't.

[Herocomplex]

It’s not the OP’s fault. None of this is her doing. I think she’s trying to work this all out. I think she is going to leave, I really do.

[BayTiger]

Thank you Attila, Jemima and everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I understand what Frankola says as I said the same myself about a friend in a similar situation. She is really beautiful and in a very high powered job and could have anyone. I couldn’t understand how she stuck with someone who was clearly abusive and told her off for not leaving several times.

It’s funny being in the middle of it, it’s different, you get to a point you don’t even trust your thoughts. It only dawned on me about a year ago my husband had become abusive as it crept up really slowly, he was a lovely, lovely man before, my soulmate. You can’t believe someone could have been hiding this side of themself or that this was their real self and they never really even loved you.

I think it’s easier to believe you have caused it and can fix it. It’s awful to think your husband wants to be abusive and it has taken me a long time to believe it. That must be why so many people turn to online forums where they can ask anonymously as it’s so hard and final to break the ice and tell someone. I am so grateful there is a space to just find out that actually I’m not an awful person but my husband has become abusive.

Tonight my husband is being very loving and nice and I’ve suggested he has a chat with his GP and told him I’ve noticed his temper is getting worse. He puts it down to lack of sleep etc, but of course where he’s being so nice, I feel relieved and have ‘forgotten’ how he spoke last night.

I am going to ring WA though and have asked to HV to visit me so will see if I can say a couple of things.

[Weezol]

I am going to ring WA though and have asked to HV to visit me so will see if I can say a couple of things.

That's a really good plan. I take it he won't be there when HV comes?

If you struggle to talk to the HV, you could show her some of your posts.

[expat101]

His lack of sleep will certainly have something to do with the amount of alcohol he is consuming. If you are on Facebook, pop along to Club Soda and read people's real-life stories there. It might help join a few more dots for you OP.

I'm also pleased you are going to call WA again. Please ask them if they can offer an advocate to guide you with financial assistance so you know your entitlements if and when you decide to leave.

I'm sad that your Mum shuts down! As a Mother myself, I would move heaven and earth to get my daughter and her child away from the situation you find yourself in. Have you an Aunty, Cousin or other family you can lean on for support?

And finally, its quite likely your neighbours know something is wrong. Neighbours may not approach you directly, but I'm sure someone is looking out for you. Just try and start to get to know them, because they might be your first port of call one night when you need help. xx

[Frankola]

@Jemima232 @BayTiger

I myself have been in a domestic abuse relationship. My partner actually hospitalised me on one occasion. So I understand the emotional psychology and cycles behind abuse. Please do not speak to me as you previously did, presuming I know nothing of the situation.

It is because I know exactly about this situation that I felt comfortable enough to say with certainty that I would leave and remove my daughter from that environment.

I'm sorry @BayTiger but your husbands actions last night are the perfect cycle of abuse. The previous night he was abusive, today he is "loving" (and lets not forget minimising his actions) so that 1 - you forgive him, and 2- you blame yourself, which is of course a psychological way of getting you to stay in this relationship.

If you do not feel you can leave then please, for your own safety,as well as that of your daughter, speak to a WA or some form of counsellor. You need to begin the process of getting yourself out of this.