Shocked at husband’s drunk rant

[BayTiger]

I’m sorry to say I’ve posted a number of threads and people have mainly thought that my husband sounds abusive.

The idea of this has been very shocking and right now I’m not able to think about leaving, I can’t speak to anyone in real life either, hence this is the only place I can get any support, which is greatly appreciated.

I spoke to Women’s Aid they also said it was verbal abuse.

Today he spent the afternoon in the pub at a work meeting and has come back drunk. I didn’t realise he was drunk, it used to be a big issue in our relationship, he’d get drunk and be nasty and had problems with gambling.

Well today was a bit of a long day as our toddler wouldn’t go to bed and was still charging around at 10pm. My husband got home about 9.45 and managed to get her to sleep. I hadn’t had a break all day so was ready for a rest.

He has booked a weekend away for us next week for his birthday. Then tonight he said he wants us to spend the day we have there with the friend he’s just got drunk with who will also be there. Realistically this means we won’t get to do anything with our daughter like play on a beach as they are doing a BBQ for him.

So I said I had imagined us spending the day at the beach or visiting some other places rather than going to someone’s house. I can understand him feeling annoyed at my opinion but what had shocked me is the was he spoke. He looked at me so disdainfully and has said I should shut my mouth and pipe down and do as my husband telly me. I am to sit back and be quiet and enjoy myself because this IS what is happening. He said I was an offence and ridiculous. I tried to say that I just meant we could meet his friend anytime (he has just spent all afternoon getting drunk with him and generally moans about him).

He says I shoot down all his ideas to meet up with his friends and family and that he will stop me from having friends to visit (very rare). He said this is the reason he won’t have sex with me! The reason I don’t like doing things with his family is that he becomes bolshy and verbally abusive after seeing them. He will often stop talking to me after we have spent time with them.

I find some of what he says very shockinh but really can just be there to support our daughter. He has made me feel horrid by calling me an offence and wet blanket. It’s horrible to see such dislike. I hope people won’t mind me posting again.

[BayTiger]

Thank you very much for all the good advice, I will definitely turn off notifications. Just going to keep quiet and observe for a bit now I’m more aware. I am really grateful to everyone for the kindness and support, and wish all of you well, especially those going through a similar situation or who have done.

[Pinkbonbon]

He's already started trying to turn your kid against you. As soon as she is old enough to feel shame, he will also begin to abuse her. Get her and yourself out. You kniw he us abusive now so - no more excuses. No making them for his behaviour or for yourself to stay.

Enough is enough.

[AdaColeman]

Yes, he's doing all that to undermine your confidence in your own decisions, to make sure that you feel insecure and weak at all times.

And the delaying tactics when you were getting ready to go out, are absolutely classic controlling behaviour.

Just as an aside, some of the comments on your thread are tagged with "@" which means you will get an email notification about the message, so if he can access your emails, it will take him straight to your thread. Best to turn of notifications in "My Account" and delete any emails to be on the safe side.

[wildcherries]

Abusive. Gaslighting. Undermining your parenting. Honestly, he's an arse, and I hope you find it within yourself to leave. This won't ever change.

Why should this shit life be your 'normal'?

[BayTiger]

Thank you for all the encouragement, I’m feeling quite mad at him now that he’s being normal again. I have wondered if he’s doing things to play mind games so to speak, for example tonight I’m going out for a short while and he’s made sure he’s had a shower and popped to the shop leaving me not much time to get ready.

Then he’s started giving our daughter a second tea as he thinks she didn’t eat enough and was going to feed her in front of the TV which is what the HV has said not to do. When I say anything he keeps saying just relax and what’s your problem. It’s taken me ages to get our child eating better in her chair so when he keeps putting her in front of the telly it sets things back. Of course she loves it as she wants to watch it. So I feel like the baddy!

I think as 5Leaf said I didn’t really believe it was actual real abuse and thought it was just heading that way. I’m sorry to all if you who have been through similar.

[5LeafClover]

for you. I have been in a space very similar to this. It took me a long time to understand that when people say that's not normal, it sounds abusive what they mean is ITS ABUSIVE right now. It's not early stages, or something that's a one off. You don't need someone's permission to leave a relationship but if you did, you've already said enough to get it.

Linking your post back to my experience, I remember wishing that if I could just get through how I felt the verbal abuse would stop and things would go back to the relationship I thought I had. Honestly, it didn't happen for me and it hardly ever does once you hear contempt. I wish I had understood that earlier.

Don't try to talk it out with him again. It's just giving him more power over you ..he is not treating you with respect and it's working out great for him. If you were hoping that there's a shame switch that you can trigger, you've proved now that there isn't.

Try to find a counsellor just for you. Through women's aid, your gp or relate do telephone counseling. Do not go to joint counseling ( even if he or someone else tries to persuade you to). Good luck to you and your daughter. Keep posting if you can. You need support. It's not you.

[AdaColeman]

Here is a book that might help you BayTiger, it's "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it in paperback or on Kindle, and it is often recommended on Mumsnet.

[YouJustDoYou]

No. No no no no no no NO. As the pp said - it's just going round and round and round and round. He is DELIBERATELY saying these things to you to fuck with your mind - he is STILL deliberately warping ever single situation and every single thing you say to bring it all back round to how you "make him feel" etc.

IT. IS. NOT. YOU.

He is not stopping. He is gaslighting you. At every single step. OP - imagine the wonderful, peaceful life you would have without being constantly. CONSTANTLY, made to feel like it's your fault all the time. It's not changing. It's not going to change.

Put it this way - if your daughter came to you later in life, and said, "Mum, my boyfriend says it's all my fault. He always puts me down. He is making no effort to change, and I'm just feeling constantly sad and exhausted and worn down and like I'm worth NOTHING" - what would you say to her? "Oh, stick with it darling. I'm sure he;s trying his best to change". Honestly, what advice would you give your daughter? YOU are worth that same advice for yourself.

[HouseworkAvoider10]

……………...aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd………
………….. round and round and round and round you will go on this grotesque merry-go-round for life, unless you turf the fucker out, or else leave with your DD yourself.

nothing's going to change unless you help yourself and get rid of this waste of space.

Please continue to access help and find a way to walk away from all this abuse.
People on here are giving you great advice, please take it.

[Troels]

It's all so horribel. He will say anything he thinks he needs to, to get you you get back in your box and shut the fuck up.
It's all abuse. They way he speaks, the things he says, the way he controls you and your thoughts and opinions.
Get rid for gods sake, I bet your own mental health will improve once you are rid of him.

[Mummacake]

You are doing better than you think. You have recognised the abuse for what it is BUT he will not take it lightly that you have called him abusive and his abuse may start to ramp up. I too have been unsure as to trust my own instincts and judgement during an abusive marriage and it's horrible. It did escalate to physical assault and I left with my 3 babies all under 5. I was lucky as my family are amazing. It's hard, but keep posting and start to make plans to get away safely.

[ClareIsland]

Keep educating yourself - you are seeing the patterns.

Decide to emotionally detach in your head for now.

Keep posting here.

[timeforakinderworld]

I think that he talks to me so convincingly that I no longer trust my own thoughts
I know exactly what you mean. I was in an abusive relationship for years before I got the courage to leave. It is not an easy thing to accept. Keep on posting. Keep on listening to the replies. You will get there eventually.

[BayTiger]

Thank you, I think that he talks to me so convincingly that I no longer trust my own thoughts, so when he said that I was wrong I thought maybe I had misconstrued everything unfairly and that he doesn’t speak in an abusive way.

I’m going to watch and wait and see how things go if I do as he wants and ask fewer questions about his day etc.

Now I’ve done a lot more reading and had validation from people I’m beginning to feel a bit more confident in myself.

[AdaColeman]

He is clearly very controlling and abusive.

He has done what all abusers do, when they are called out on their actions they twist things around to make everything your fault. He has done such a good job of this that he has managed to get you to apologise to him! Think about why you did that, was it because he made you doubt your own feelings?

Reading all your posts together BayTiger one of the things that struck me was the way that you minimise all your own thoughts and emotions through the language you use about yourself. You are "cross" "quite run down" etc etc, as though you are fearful of acknowledging your own truth.

I think you should tread very carefully, think about how you might get away from this man, as abusers rarely if ever change, they have to be in control, they don't want an equal partnership, they want to dominate the other person.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim begins to break free, so be cautious, it sounds as though you are being. Stay safe. Make sure he can't read your posts.

[Ginger1982]

This is sad and frustrating to read. I'm sorry you feel you can't leave but honestly he isn't going to get better or make any changes. He will just continue to abuse you and eventually your DD. Surely you must want more for her and yourself than living with this pathetic excuse for a man?

[BayTiger]

I just wanted to add a small update. After telling my husband that he is sometimes verbally abusive, he was quite difficult over the weekend, lots of naps and bad temper. Tonight he said, when I asked, that he feels subdued because of me saying he had been abusive. He said it’s a very hurtful and offensive thing to say. I should be able to recognise an abusive relationship and this isn’t it.

He says he will work on his tone of voice and the way he talks to me like an employee and I should work on my offensive comments and the fact I talk too much and ask too many questions when he gets home. What I said made him feel I don’t appreciate all his hard work (which enables me to be s SAHM). I do very much appreciate this and try to make that clear

I feel he hasn’t really taken on board what I’ve said, just turned it round to him rather than my actual point. To make life easier I agreed to work on the things he mentioned. I’ve been feeling quite run down from it all but am going to watch and see if he can change things for the better.

[WellThisIsShit]

It sounds like you want to have your reality validated by your mother and your husband before you can believe it yourself.

This is a very wrongheaded way of thinking, because you’ve been trapped in such a dysfunctional relationship dynamic for so long.

You need to stop chasing after these two people and begging for permission to be upset with the abuse... they will never acknowledge it. You need to validate your own reality... it’s tough I know, I think it’s one of the hardest stages in getting free.

[BayTiger]

Hello, I just thought I would update that I talked to my husband last week after he came home after a work do at 3am.

We did go away the previous weekend and although there were some nice moments he was continually sniping at me and grumpy over really silly things. I had bought him a large coffee as a treat, for example, and it was too big for the holder in the car, so him immediate reaction was what a silly thing I had done. So there were a few silly things pointed out and a few nasty temper incidents but sort of under the surface. We did spend all our time with his friend, which was nice enough, and came home very early meaning we couldn’t do anything on the last day.

So when he got home st 3am last week I was cross the next morning as he had left me to get everything ready for something we had to do, plus I’d been up with our child most of the night so hadn’t slept.

I told him he had been talking to me in a way that was at times verbally abusive and it had to change. And that he was having a lot of nights out and treating me as a housekeeper, especially the way he watches me with our daughter and says I’m not doing things properly.

He’s now feeling very subdued and says he’s going to discuss it with me next week. He says he’s processing what I said and doesn’t agree with it.

We are visiting my mum and I do think there are some similarities between them. He did something to upset my mum, which led to her shouting at me about something unrelated. I asked him to apologise to her about the thing he’d done to upset her and he told me to stop talking and keep out if it as it’s nothing to do with me. So I said well that’s the kind of language I mean I don’t like and he said Just Stop.

I feel a bit like I’m going mad as my mum then picked me up for being irritated with my husband although she hadn’t heard the nasty way he spoke to me. I feel like I’m a child and they are both in charge of me.

I did ring WA again, they felt it was abusive behaviour but not dangerous so advised me to keep a diary for now.

I did ask our HV to have a word with him too, which she did and I said a couple of small things to her.

So I’ve made a start but still haven’t talked to anyone apart from my mum and she often finds me to be irritable so am not sure whether I’ve conveyed the extent of the way he talks to me. I think because no one ever witnesses how he speaks it feels worse.

Gosh all this makes your head spin and I feel more and more numb, I just feel nothing :(

[BayTiger]

I’m very sorry to hear that Frankola, I’m glad you have managed to get away. Thank you for your advice.

[Frankola]

@Jemima232 @BayTiger

I myself have been in a domestic abuse relationship. My partner actually hospitalised me on one occasion. So I understand the emotional psychology and cycles behind abuse. Please do not speak to me as you previously did, presuming I know nothing of the situation.

It is because I know exactly about this situation that I felt comfortable enough to say with certainty that I would leave and remove my daughter from that environment.

I'm sorry @BayTiger but your husbands actions last night are the perfect cycle of abuse. The previous night he was abusive, today he is "loving" (and lets not forget minimising his actions) so that 1 - you forgive him, and 2- you blame yourself, which is of course a psychological way of getting you to stay in this relationship.

If you do not feel you can leave then please, for your own safety,as well as that of your daughter, speak to a WA or some form of counsellor. You need to begin the process of getting yourself out of this.

[expat101]

His lack of sleep will certainly have something to do with the amount of alcohol he is consuming. If you are on Facebook, pop along to Club Soda and read people's real-life stories there. It might help join a few more dots for you OP.

I'm also pleased you are going to call WA again. Please ask them if they can offer an advocate to guide you with financial assistance so you know your entitlements if and when you decide to leave.

I'm sad that your Mum shuts down! As a Mother myself, I would move heaven and earth to get my daughter and her child away from the situation you find yourself in. Have you an Aunty, Cousin or other family you can lean on for support?

And finally, its quite likely your neighbours know something is wrong. Neighbours may not approach you directly, but I'm sure someone is looking out for you. Just try and start to get to know them, because they might be your first port of call one night when you need help. xx

[Weezol]

I am going to ring WA though and have asked to HV to visit me so will see if I can say a couple of things.

That's a really good plan. I take it he won't be there when HV comes?

If you struggle to talk to the HV, you could show her some of your posts.

[BayTiger]

Thank you Attila, Jemima and everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I understand what Frankola says as I said the same myself about a friend in a similar situation. She is really beautiful and in a very high powered job and could have anyone. I couldn’t understand how she stuck with someone who was clearly abusive and told her off for not leaving several times.

It’s funny being in the middle of it, it’s different, you get to a point you don’t even trust your thoughts. It only dawned on me about a year ago my husband had become abusive as it crept up really slowly, he was a lovely, lovely man before, my soulmate. You can’t believe someone could have been hiding this side of themself or that this was their real self and they never really even loved you.

I think it’s easier to believe you have caused it and can fix it. It’s awful to think your husband wants to be abusive and it has taken me a long time to believe it. That must be why so many people turn to online forums where they can ask anonymously as it’s so hard and final to break the ice and tell someone. I am so grateful there is a space to just find out that actually I’m not an awful person but my husband has become abusive.

Tonight my husband is being very loving and nice and I’ve suggested he has a chat with his GP and told him I’ve noticed his temper is getting worse. He puts it down to lack of sleep etc, but of course where he’s being so nice, I feel relieved and have ‘forgotten’ how he spoke last night.

I am going to ring WA though and have asked to HV to visit me so will see if I can say a couple of things.

[Herocomplex]

It’s not the OP’s fault. None of this is her doing. I think she’s trying to work this all out. I think she is going to leave, I really do.