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LEAVING sulking H

(621 Posts)
jamaisjedors Wed 08-May-19 21:56:08

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

GummyGoddess Fri 24-May-19 15:16:58

Is there any chance he can be packed off to his family? They know he's ill, at least if he's 800 km away they can tell you if he leaves so you have some warning. He needs support, you are certainly not to provide it so it would be best if he was moved away while he continues treatment.

I hope you're all doing ok and that your feeling of peace continues in your new home.

TowelNumber42 Fri 24-May-19 16:30:54

So happy to hear you feel happy in your new home. wineflowers

jamaisjedors Fri 24-May-19 17:10:28

He is very lucky and we have 2 good friends who are visiting him every day.

He is being released for the day on Sunday to one friend's (who will stay with him all day and not let him go anywhere near me) and then overnight at the other friend's Wednesday/Thursday and then hopefully moving to the new clinic on Friday.

Our friend has warned him that I have seen the police and that he mustn't go anywhere near me.

They would tell me if he signed himself out from the new clinic. His family have suggested that if he needs a long stay in a clinic, he should move down to one near them.

We now have a temporary internet connection whilst waiting for it to be fixed so the DC are feeling right at home - me too!

Getting help tomorrow getting a couple more bits of furniture and today picked up some bits like doormats and a loo brush (don't tell the rest of MN!!!).

My mum arrives tomorrow night and I will be ready for her by then and I think I will go back to work on Monday, it's a short week because of a bank holiday on Thursday and Friday.

x

jamaisjedors Fri 24-May-19 17:11:26

I'll look into the Paul McKenna stuff now we have a decent internet connection - am out of date on my phone!

Lisette1940 Fri 24-May-19 17:32:34

A loo brush?!!! 😉 Won't say a word.

Glad things are coming together. You sound happier. X

greenwaterbottle Fri 24-May-19 17:42:36

That all sounds really positive. Hoping you're feeling lighter now. Hope the boys are feeling settled too.

Haffdonga Fri 24-May-19 19:33:43

This is all so good jamais . Your house is sounding like home now smile

It's great that he has some friends who can bear the brunt. He's more likely to rely on them for future support than seeking you out down the line. Please don't be hurt if you find these friends end up being more his friends rather than yours. They are in a difficult position and it's hard to stay loyal to both sides of a split. You might have to think of a friend or two as a necessary sacrifice for your own peace of mind.

Mix56 Fri 24-May-19 20:31:49

Yes, Haff is right. The friends will have to hear what he says, & it may be he convinces them that you are Satan, you were unfaithful, you were needy, on medication, he WILL lie, he will not want to be seen as a bad guy. You will have driven him to his breakdown
They may get taken in by him.
You just have to remain stoic (Alicia),
Have a Good w/e
I'm doing tax return.......hate avery waking second

jamaisjedors Fri 24-May-19 21:43:15

Good advice about friends. For the moment they are being equally supportive to both and have adked him to stop bad mouthing me, which he has done.

One friend is running himself ragged visiting H then dropping stuff off for me or building furniture.

We are very lucky.

Mix56 Sat 25-May-19 09:37:33

Yes, hope this continues. Inevitably the friend will slack off after a certain time.
Happy Mother's Day for tomorrow !

tiredvommachine Sat 25-May-19 09:43:43

Jamais I always remember this from a prison psychiatrist in regard to someone we were interviewing for murder: People can be mad, and people can be bad. People can also be both.
You have done the right thing for you and your family, your living conditions were untenable flowers

CharityDingle Sat 25-May-19 10:29:28

I hope that you can rest a bit this weekend. You have achieved so much in a short space of time. Have a brewand relax.

Gruzinkerbell1 Sun 26-May-19 19:14:10

Hope you’ve had a relaxing weekend brew

Lunde Sun 26-May-19 21:12:11

Hope that you have been able to have a quiet and relaxing weekend. You have worked so hard in recent weeks to sort everything out.

jamaisjedors Mon 27-May-19 13:31:25

My mum arrived at 1.30am on Saturday so not very restful but we had a nice day on Sunday with brunch out.

She is sorting out the garden for me (her speciality) which keeps her busy and helps her feel useful and we will appreciate the house feeling homelier.

I came back to work today, mostly good to do something else but I am finding it hard to fully focus.

Currently looking at video cameras/ring doorbell for when H gets out of hospital (my family are keen for me to do this and I think they are right).

justilou1 Mon 27-May-19 14:03:26

Very smart, Jamais! I’m glad your Mum is there doing your garden, and that you have a grownup to talk to at night time. I keep thinking of you and going you’re ok. X

Lunde Mon 27-May-19 14:13:07

I came back to work today, mostly good to do something else but I am finding it hard to fully focus.

You have been running on adrenaline for weeks now sorting out the move and the intense stress of your H's situation so it is not surprising that now everything is winding down to a more normal level that you are feeling total exhaustion. Try and get some rest and allow your body to heal from this.

Definitely order the doorbell (maybe one for both front and backdoors) for extra peace of mind.

Mix56 Mon 27-May-19 14:47:43

jamais, I have these, www.arlo.com/fr/ you can get them in the fnac, carrefour etc. www.google.com/shopping/product/15403445293581527760?q=arlo.&client=safari&rls=en&biw=1280&bih=621&prds=epd:8125191654805974537,paur:ClkAsKraX1mQiP43Z_5OPMIVAgk1rWXwSGIv6CnSHjvnGGH3yo0BHAy9osfOkwjnHJYfNakQOUwQhFnH2EEeAI9LXPjcLwnM5M6TvTq-5SEueDoSpXVIC-zXzBIZAFPVH72JeN3wlSTjzkh9LUvexqSo3OL62w,prmr:3&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjL-vLN67viAhXmA2MBHYw0B2UQ8gIItwQ
I got this kit with 2 cameras, I don't know how they compare with other makes price wise but they are incredibly user friendly & easy to set up (just plug into elec.& plug into internet box. then sync the cameras, you can get add on cameras, the outdoor ones can have a camo sleeve to be les visible.)
The cameras can be put anywhere you want, they stick onto a simple one screw mount with a strong magnet, or you can just put them on a shelf pointing at the door etc.
if anyone walks past they are videoed & this is sent to your phone, where you can see any activity, with time, date etc, you can zoom in, create an emergency alert & keep or bin any unwanted captures images. you can also switch them off if the kids are home & you don't want all the notifications.
I see they also do door bells

jamaisjedors Mon 27-May-19 15:39:12

Ok great thanks

Wauden Mon 27-May-19 18:13:13

Great that you are more settled, but look after yourself with early nights, healthy food etc. You are so strong!

BuckingFrolics Mon 27-May-19 19:55:30

Holy smoke Jamais I am in awe having read the whole three posts in one sitting - you are an incredible, amazing woman. You have shown such dignity and kindness and strength, to every single person. Including, in the end, and most brilliantly, yourself. I so hope your future is calm and full of wonderful things. You handled telling your DCs brilliantly. I am just amazed by your strength and openness.

jamaisjedors Tue 28-May-19 21:30:13

Caméras ordered yesterday.

I was doing well this morning and then had a minor accident (not my fault and no injuries) and it threw me.

I then spent 2 hrs doing the paperwork... because guess what , only H has the password to do it online. At least while I was at it, I explained the situation and they have transferred my car insurance to me and and updated my details.

Still, more paperwork and appointments to fit in when I'm already stretched to the limit.

Added to that, H has changed the password on the tax declaration site so I had to go and queue up with a million other people this afternoon to get a new account and access to last year's stuff.

Finally a trip to Ikea which my mum wanted to do, so rushed off after work and then back to pick up dc2 from activities.

Oh yes, and a half hour update call on H from the friend who had been visiting and had him for "day release ' on Sunday.

The update just pissed me off because H was apparently spitting that i had taken the kids' bikes and he was inspecting everything in the house to see what I'd taken. Including checking the level of petrol and kilometres in his car (which I have used to move furniture- it's no more "his" than "mine" - paid for with joint money).

Apparently he now wants the password for the internet and mobile provider- the account is in my name- because he wants to get a new mobile. He can fuck right off (sorry, really angry).

He sent the message through out friend. I said of he wants the password he can give me his bank details so I can transfer it to his name. Otherwise I will cancel the internet and phone contracts which are in my name (and come out of the joint account).

Our friend doesn't think he will give me his bank details hmm unsurprisingly...

I need to get rid of this anger and pain, i am running myself ragged because of him and he is just creating more and more complications- the tax which he was supposed to have done, all the bloody secrecy over the passwords and now for example refusing to "let me" use his car even though mine is dangerous to drive.

I ignored that anyway and got the keys back from our friend but it's like every day there is something new...confused angry

Fairenuff Tue 28-May-19 21:40:13

Ah but you are moving forward OP and he is still running round in circles. Take anything he says with a pinch of salt. If it's not about the children, don't even respond. Don't ask for anything from him as he won't give it.

There's a saying, 'never wrestle with a pig - you both get covered in mud but the pig likes it'.

You're doing ok. Rant away here if it helps.

Innasnailshell Tue 28-May-19 21:49:52

I hear your anger and pain.

We're with you in the anger and pain.

Accept that you are angry and in pain. That eventually this too will subside. All will be ok in time. That this level of anger and pain whilst debilitating is normal considering the circumstances.

Today this is where you are. And breathe. And love you because you deserve to be loved. flowers

Wauden Tue 28-May-19 22:14:01

About the anger and pain, you could punch cushions or pillows.

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