Husband doesn't want a baby

[Lulubaloo]

Hi everyone

I would really appreciate your advice on my marriage. I am 31, he is 36 and we have been together 8 years married 2. We are usually happy with a good income.

We have reached a bit of a sticky situation with family planning as I have been looking forward to starting a family after our wedding but have had some health issues and put it on hold. I’ve had the go ahead from the medical side now (although it is slightly riskier than a normal pregnancy) but he has said that he doesn’t want to have children.

Looking back I had always thought we were both planning to have them like talking about names, types of schools etc. I am more fond of my family than he is of his but I have told him that I have wanted them before and he hasn’t objected. In fact we had a consultant pregnancy planning meeting around my health condition and he didn’t say anything after that.

Recently I have become more broody for a family, more than for a baby necessarily. I have tried to approach it gently exploring his thoughts and initially thought we were getting somewhere because he said some specific reasons about both of us, lots that could be worked on.

But last time I asked him to check in to see if he’d like to talk about it again he said “I’ve told you no, why do you need an explanation” Maybe he felt I was nagging him but he said he didn’t need more time to think, he was 36 so unlikely to change his mind. I suggested counselling for both or for him to look at how he could feel happier and help us both to communicate. He had an unhappy childhood and I’m sure this has a lot to do with it. He said “why so I can list all the reasons and them to agree with me”. I felt sad about this. He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted to have a child. Now he said he would come to couples therapy but I can’t forget what he said.

He seems back to normal but I get upset still when I think about any of my friends with families or see something relating to it on telly. Im not sure how raise it with him as he said he didn’t want to talk about it and he keeps asking me why I am down but doesn’t talk to me specifically about it.

Sorry for the long winded post but my specific worrries are

1. I can’t imagine giving up on my lovely life with him now for an imaginary baby that would possibly not happen anyway, perhaps could be happy without a family
2. Even if he ‘comes around’ after counselling. (I don’t see becoming pregnant without his consent as an option as he will resent me and worse the child- I would NOT have a child unless he was in board. My main concern would be the child’s welfare and I know it would not be fair to risk brining a child into this)
3. I would be giving up on him. Maybe his other issues that can be addressed about his own childhood and his self esteem that if he tackled he may genuinely want children
4. this is another matter really but I found it hard anyway to decide about having a baby with the medical problem as I may have a riskier pregnancy and potentially me having a shorter life expectancy. feels a bit unnatural having to make a calculated decision in both aspects!

Any thoughts?

X

[AlecTrevelyan006]

He has every right not to want a child. You have every right to want a child.

So, sadly there are no winners here. Someone has to compromise and what will probably happen is that the person who does the compromising will end up resenting the other person.

Best for both of you to split up and move on.

Easier said than done, of course.

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

I’m really sorry OP, what a bad shock.

He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted a child

This is unconscionable and if you want the marriage to continue I think you’ll need to address it in some serious counselling.

He has let you plan a family, come to appointments, talked names, all the time knowing he didn’t really want children? And he never said anything because it was more comfortable for him not to? I’d struggle to forgive this level of gross selfishness.

[WhereIsBlueRabbit]

That is so, so hard. I'd feel tricked, to be honest, that he hadn't told you how he felt before you were married. He has, effectively, changed the goalposts without any discussion.

Of course, he's entitled to feel as he feels but if he's the one who's changed position and isn't willing to discuss/engage, that sucks.

No wise words but for you. This may take some digesting before you decide what to do next. It may well mean you are no longer compatible as a couple if what you want from life is so different.

[Pinkknickers]

Could it be that he once shared your dream of having a baby but now, knowing it could be a complicated pregnancy and could potentially shorten your life he is just really frightened?

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

Sorry- to clarify, I don’t think it is grossly selfish to not want children, it is absolutely a matter of choice

What angers me is that he’s let time tick on while you planned a family and “made all the right noises” and then moved the goalposts on you. And then he has the temerity to be cross with you?

[Lacymacy123]

If he has had a difficult childhood, then not having a baby might be the right thing. I had a bad childhood and when I had my baby I had really bad anxiety, my anger came out, i started to feel hard done by and felt sorry for myself for my bad upbringing. Thankfully after alot of soul searching I am on the road to recovery but my god it took me 3 years to unravel everything

[Lulubaloo]

Hi all fake fur. Thanks - yes I was most upset about that as he asked why I was starting an argument when I asked if he needed to think about it anymore. I guess that means he doesn't comprehend how someone would care so much about having children?

I did explain to him that it was more hurtful to not tell me than to hold it from me. I guess in a way I could respect the fact he isn't saying maybe some day and is being quite clear

[Starlight345]

I would also feel deceived.

It sounds though ultimately you want a baby he doesn’t . So it becomes a question of can you live with him the rest of your life without a baby because for many it is a deal breaker

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

Him accusing you of starting an argument sounds like classic defensive “I don’t want to have to deal with your messy emotions please just get over it so we can go back to our comfortable life.”

It sounds like you love him a lot, and believe me I understand how hard it is when you’re in love and committed and then a partner lets you down.

Don’t let fear of losing him cloud your thinking here though.

Is he afraid of losing you?

It’s one thing to express a change of heart on such a huge life choice, respectfully, with care, and quite another to quite casually mention it, claim you always felt this way anyway, then accuse you of starting an argument!

It seems like he is trying to keep your life together as it is, in the most passive aggressive way imaginable. He owed you a real conversation about this.

[springydaff]

Wow, he's rather selfish!

He can't comprehend that someone would feel differently to him (expects you to get over it) ; he has been cruel and dismissive when you have tried to talk about it.

All the while he led you up the garden path. He has consciously misled you and, now the truth is out, he is short with you and expects you to keep quiet.

Don't be saying he's this selfish bcs of his childhood eh. I had a dreadful childhood and I don't behave like this.

on your behalf op

[Singlenotsingle]

You're only 31 so you've got time to ponder this one - a few years at least. How important is it to you to have DC? Are you prepared to give that up to keep him? Or would you rather cut your losses and find someone else who does want a baby?

[Lulubaloo]

Yeah I think I have been more hurt by the lack of empathy. Perhaps if we discussed it as a team I would feel better about it rather than mourning a loss.

I know some men find it difficult to talk about sensitive issues but the analogy he gave me was:

"If I said to you I didn't want that wall painted red because I don't want it red you just have to accept it, not question it until I give up and change my mind and paint it the colour you want"

It's quite out of character for him and before we have had much better more balanced discussions but I'm finding it hard to get past...

[AnExcellentUsername]

I have been your husband in this situation; my ex was desperate to be a dad and I had no intention of having them... but I didn't want to lose him, so I kept putting it off and putting it off until eventually the guilt got too much and I had to tell him in no uncertain terms it wasn't happening. And no matter how much he pressed for an explaination as to why I don't want children, or tried to convince me to change my mind, I knew it would never happen. If his desire to be a dad was anywhere near as strong as my conviction about not being a parent, no way would we ever have been happy.

If he is telling you that he doesn't want children then you need to take him at his word and decide whether you can live with that or not.

[Monty27]

He may be worried about failed pregnancies. He doesn't want to risk pain and possibly losing you too so prefers the way things are.
Sorry OP

[wombat1a]

Maybe get him around other people children a lot more so that he can start to think perhaps this is not such a bad thing afterall. I've noticed that a number of people who are childless after they start to spend time with other people kids then their attitudes change.

[HerRoyalNotness]

He can’t compare painting a wall to having a baby!!! My god. He married you knowing what you want and then has surprised you by finally saying it isn’t what he wants. I’d give it another year and then move on. You have maybe a 10yr window now to work with at best. Don’t waste it if he doesn’t want the same thing as you

[ShumpaLumpa]

He said he didn’t want to tell me before because he knew I wanted a child

He's vile. Don't give him the satisfaction of wasting your child bearing years on him.

[Uncreative]

He has a (small) point with his red wall analogy. Continuing in that vein, why would he marry someone that he knew wanted red walls? He knew you wanted red walls, but is now expecting you to live with magnolia for the rest of your life. He may want magnolia but he needs to discuss it with you before he decides you are Stuck with magnolia for the rest of your life.

[PurdysChocolate]

I don't see how you could stay married to someone who misled you about something so fundamental for his own convenience. He is thinking only of himself, both in his initial reticence and his current refusal to engage. He is no partner.

[Monty27]

He doesn't want a child. Sometimes people don't. How old are you both?

[Zommum]

You need to decide if you want him or a baby. Think about it and if you decide you want a child tell him (very nicely) that you understand how he feels but it's a deal breaker for you. It's much easier for you to walk away now than stay and resent him for the rest of your life. If you leave now you still have time to meet someone who does want a family. I hope it works out.

[SandyY2K]

He married you under false pretence, as he never wanted a child, but led you to believe he did.

Had he been no honest, you would have been able to make a decision based on the truth.

Is divorce him tbh.

[joangray38]

I would think very carefully if you be with him in say your 60s & 70s and not be resentful that you missed out. Also his fertility is not time constrained. I knew a couple who followed the age old story -he didn't want kids she agreed as she loved him but desperately wanted them. He had a midlife crisis, they got divorced, he remarried and .... within a year had a baby whilst she is very bitter how her life has turned out.

[LeftRightCentre]

He lied to you to suit his own ends. It was more important for him to be happy by having you in his life than to be truthful with you about a serious life decision. That's not love, that's selfishness. You wasted your time. It's your choice if you care to waste more of it on someone who couldn't be truthful with you because it didn't suit him.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He lied about one of the most important things. And this while you were getting older and lessening your chances of having a baby. I do think that's very hard to forgive, particularly when he's not allowing you to process it properly.

And he can always run off and have one in his 40s when he's decided he's ready while you won't have the chance.