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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

On the verge of packing a bag, help!

163 replies

yeahbutnogah · 19/04/2018 06:25

I don't know where to start but looking for some support/advice as I decide what to do next. Basically I've been stuck in limbo for 3 years deciding whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I'm 34 and been with DH for 11 years, married for 5. No kids yet. He's keen to get started but our relationship hasn't been in a great place so I've held back. Obviously at my age, time isn't on my side so I need to get a wriggle on and do something either way.

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

On the negative side, there's a lot of low-level stuff that's built up and made me question everything. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster where we're happy one minute but the next he'll do something crap and I'm reminded of all the crap times and I start doubting everything again.

I told him I wanted to leave 2 years ago and he convinced me to stay and go to counselling. Things got better but they're still not 100%. I just don't know if I'm being fussy and should accept things or move on. I've absolutely agonised over this decision and it's driving me crazy.

After another bad week, I'm seriously thinking about packing a bag this weekend and moving out. It's not like he's done anything terrible (no abuse or cheating), it's just daily shit that grinds me down e.g.

I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.
He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any helpful advice?

OP posts:

Report

Turnocks34 · 19/04/2018 06:34

Sounds like the love is gone to be honest. No one wants to be with there OH all the time, but I think if you find him generally annoying, and he sex is fine it’s a warning sign that perhaps this is just a friendship now, which is why your so irritated bu these minor things.

It’s not easy, I had a similar issue with my ex. I stayed for 3 years until those minor irritations and quirks made me resent him and I just began to feel repulsed by him. Made the break up much harder.

Good luck. I hope it works out but I would be tempted to leave in order to at least, get some head space temporarily.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/04/2018 06:39

Definitely leave. Definitely do not have kids with him. You can do better!

seventh · 19/04/2018 06:53

On the positive side, DH is smart and funny. I often see/think something and know he's the only person who would "get" it. We like the same films, music etc. and are generally on the same page when it comes to life views.

Sounds like my best girl friend and I

I wouldn't hold this up as a reason to stay in a romantic relationship

Manyfridays · 19/04/2018 06:58

Do you think he will suddenly do more housework when you have a baby ?
Do you think he will suddenly prioratise you and a baby over his hobby ?

If you want a child as a single parent - stay as it will feal like you are a single parent with or without him.

Aussiebean · 19/04/2018 07:00

Well staying hasn’t helped. You have stayed for 2 years.

Time to try something else. This time move out.

I would bet things are way better when you do.

Ryder63 · 19/04/2018 07:01

I'm the main earner yet still do the lion's share of the wife and housework.

He prioritises his hobbies over things which should be more important.
He also talks A LOT. He loves his own opinions and ideas to the point I feel like mine don't matter.
Our sex life is almost non-existent these days.

Yeah, nope. Leave!

FinallyHere · 19/04/2018 07:06

Goodnees, what is keeping you in such a relationship, why are you putting up with him?

Have a think about why? What did he say to convince you to stay? Did he say 'but i like you earning more and doing the lion's share of the chores', so he can prioritise his hobbies?

Foodylicious · 19/04/2018 07:09

If you having to consider staying/leaving this seriously then I would stay leave.
Yes you have to work at relationships, and it's not all sunshine and roses, but it shouldn't be this hard.

You deserve the chance to be so much happier and feel much more valued and loved.

category12 · 19/04/2018 07:46

Yes, he's not the man to have children with. Unless you're ready to just see him as decoration while you do it all. You resent him now, you'll resent him a million times more when you're exhausted with tiny baby.

Sparkletastic · 19/04/2018 07:51

It will honestly get so much worse if you have kids with him.

isthismylifenow · 19/04/2018 08:14

I would move out, even if it is just for a trial separation. Its easier to see things from the outside when you are not in the 'bubble'.

Vangoghsear · 19/04/2018 08:21

If you feel like this after 11 years it is unlikely to get better. If he doesn't contribute properly to household stuff now you might find it a real struggle with children with you bearing most of the responsibility.

yeahbutnogah · 19/04/2018 09:49

I think I'm struggling to let go because we do still have a connection and things aren't completely terrible. They're just not that great either and haven't been for a while.

I think I want more than he can give but perhaps I'm just too needy.

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/04/2018 09:58

Or maybe he just doesn't give enough?

What is his response to you saying that you need him to step up and take over more housework? Or that you need him to drop some of his 'oh so important' hobbies? Or that you'd like more sex?

Is it, perhaps 'yes, but...'?

yeahbutnogah · 19/04/2018 10:03

I've had a range of responses to bringing stuff up. The worst one was him telling me to "email him" when I need him to "help me" with something because he's busy. Had to point out that it wasn't my responsibility to remember everything that needs doing. He generally gets angry and defensive. He'll tell me how great he is and all the things he does that I don't notice. That's followed by some small acknowledgment that I do more and him making an extra effort for a few days.

OP posts:

yeahbutnogah · 19/04/2018 10:04

It's like a never ending cycle. He did get better for a long time after the counseling but now he thinks things are fixed, he's scaled it back a bit.

OP posts:

TwitterQueen1 · 19/04/2018 10:11

To put it bluntly OP, it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse.

You shouldn't have children with your current mindset - and you know that. The relationship has run its course. Leave now whilst you have time to find a new, more meaningful one and start a family in a few years' time.

lifebegins50 · 19/04/2018 10:14

He sounds selfish and self centred.

Will it improve, very unlikely as it suits him.
Can you accept the negatives?

There are strategies for house tasks that might work, such as joint lists with clear responsibilities but it feels as if you are past that stage.
Have a conversation asking what he will give up if a baby is added to the mix...if he really isn't clear about this then I think the risk is too high.

Working in a stressful job, with a baby and having most of the responsibility builds resentnent quickly..which kills connection.

Don't have a baby with a man you are unsure of as you will face a life time being joined when you have the opportunity for a clean break.

Aussiebean · 19/04/2018 10:16

I have broken up with lovely men who I had a connection with. But he wanted to be married with kids on the way by 25. I wanted to travel the world.

I know another girl who broke up from a lovely lovely man, everyone thought he was a winner. He wanted kids, she didn’t.

Your bf wants someone to look after him and take over all the responsibilities and raise the kids while he does his hobby.
You want a relationship with a partner who shares the responsibilities.

You will have this connection with someone else. If fact, if the guy is right, the connection will be breathtaking. I know that, as my dh is awesome.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 19/04/2018 10:16

Any more years you throw at this relationship are just going to be more wasted years.

Cut your losses and realise having children with him will magnify all these resentments massively.

He hasn't changed in 11 years.

Get out now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2018 10:22

If you're already doing all the wife and housework, this won't change if you have a baby. You'll just be doing it all AND looking after the baby as I bet he won't lift a finger to help you there either.

I'd pack and move on if I were you. You've still got time to meet someone else if having children is important to you.

gamerchick · 19/04/2018 10:34

Watch when you do make plans to leave he ups the stakes by deciding getting you pregnant is the way to go to keep you where you are.

Sounds like he’s got a nice little cushty life and he won’t let go of it easily. You know what you want, just do it. This is a waste of time and time is short.

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Adora10 · 19/04/2018 11:06

You need to be a team, equal partners, both have each other's back, it sounds like he gains a lot more from this set up than you do, I'd not be happy either, why are you carrying him, why does he not contribute, fact is he doesn't so you'd be better off finding someone that does.

Badgerloco · 19/04/2018 16:06

The love has gone so it’s time to move on. Exactly the same happened to me at the same age, met DH within 6 months and had DS within two years. That was 13 years ago. Don’t settle, it’s really not worth it. Happier now than I ever would have been if I’d stayed.

trojanpony · 20/04/2018 09:57

I think wanting to pack your bags is quite an extreme feeling and is indicative of something serious.
You don’t sound happy and for all his “I’ll do anything”s he’s not fundamentally changed.
he wants the relationship on his terms and those terms don’t sound like they work for you.

And everyone else is right - he’s already a bit crap throwing a baby in the mix is not going make anything better.

Flip

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