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Relationships

Emotional Affair

83 replies

mm2one · 22/01/2018 21:57

Hello. I think I caught my wife having an emotional affair. We have been married for almost 16 years and together for almost 22 years. We have two children. I caught her by looking through her texts. I snooped because I was suspicious. She had been behaving like a lot of the classic symptoms of someone who is in a EA that you read online. I saved the evidence and confronted her on the weekend.

During the confrontation she admitted it looked bad and she said it was just a friendship and that she wouldn't have ever done it if she thought I would react that way.

The timing was awful because I discovered the evidence on the Wednesday, there was some item that made me think it might have been physical but it was my child's birthday on the weekend. So I kept it all inside because she was busy preparing for the birthday and I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin it all and the birthday. So what happened is I didn't sleep at all Wednesday through Saturday because of this. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreak and kept going back and forth between anger and crying probably because of lack of sleep. But I managed to put on a brave fake face and I think none of the other parents or the kids or our family noticed.

I don't want to go into too many details, I am posting this because I want to ask the following.

I am trying to figure out how to cope. Even though we did seem to make up and there was no blow up -- I am still going back and forth between feeling miserable and on the verge of crying and back to forgetting about it.

We left it at, she admitted that it looked bad and insisted I delete my copies. I didn't give her any ultimatums or demand she not have friends or delete his number. I know its improbable to go from texting almost daily to zero communication with a co-worker in one day.

I dont want to be the controlling paranoid husband who is constantly snooping on his wifes phone. I didn't demand anything from her or give an ultimatum. What sorts of signs should I be looking for to be convinced that she does really feel that she might have done something inappropriate and what should I look for to confirm that she has taking some sort of action on her part and I can start to try to trust her and feel normal again.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 22/01/2018 22:02

Why was she so keen for you to delete the evidence? Sounds a very unemotional thing for her to say, if I was in her shoes I would feel bad for making my husband feel this way and block the work colleague. Be professional at work sure but there's just no need to be texting someone a lot after work has finished imo

Mouseville65 · 22/01/2018 22:03

We carnt really help with so little information. This could be totally innocent or it could be an EA - with no idea what the messages said it’s impossible for anyone to know either way.

mm2one · 22/01/2018 22:54

I will try my best to summarize.

The man is about 5 to 10 years younger than us. He has a wife and children. She had mentioned him one or twice casually in the past and how his wife is constantly having babies. What she hadn't mentioned ever is that she texts him a lot. I mean a lot.

According to her. He is the "joke" of the department and "one of the girls". "He is the only person at her work who talks to her." From what I saw of his picture, he does not look particularly effeminate to me.

The text history went back to June of last year. I can't tell if there is more before that. What I saw of the texts and what got me suspicious. The texts were increasing in frequency constantly since June.

There was a text from her to him of a painting of two people having sex. Her text to him was "how to make your marriage interesting".. his reply, "oh, our guide avoided those".

I also saw a lot of texts from him to her "I love the way you smile". "You looked amazing in that dress".

I saw texts from her to him while we were on vacation last summer.

I saw a lot of texts from her to him about her drinking escapades and lots of pictures of the drinks she is drinking. A lot of her girls night out escapades. I told her this seems a little strange to be texting a co-worker this stuff.

I saw lots of texts from her to him on new years eve at the party we were at. So while I was hanging out with the husbands and drinking in one corner of the house, she was hanging out with the wives and she was texting him all night long.

I saw texts from her to him texting him during our family Christmas lunch. It seems she was on her phone texting him a lot while were were all there having a family lunch. One of her comments was my parents are prudes and there is no alcohol. I told her this seems a little off to be texting co-worker during a family event.

I told her these all seem to be really personal things you are texting a male co-worker. I pretty much told her, what would you feel like if you suddenly found lots of texts like these from me to and from a female co-worker I never told you about.

Am I over reacting and being a paranoid and too sensitive?

OP posts:
pickleofficer · 22/01/2018 23:10

Your marriage should be looked after and prioritised, always. In order to do this, from what you have said, wife needs to respect your feelings (as long as you are not constantly jealous and possessive).

Whilst it might not be an EA, it is definitely developing into a close friendship.

I have had no problem saying (on the odd occasion) if I have felt in comfortable about a developing friendship. DH has had no problem respecting that.

AuntyElle · 22/01/2018 23:23

I think that does sound like a possible EA and can imagine it must have been upsetting to read all that.
I don’t think there are ‘signs’ you can look for for reassurance. A full and frank discussion where you feel like she really does get why you are upset and where she crossed the line is vital, but it doesn’t sound like that really happened. Now a bit of time has passed, could you explain to her that you are not reassured and ask her what she thinks needs to happen next? How she intends to act with her colleague now, and how she sees your marriage?

mm2one · 22/01/2018 23:34

The one that hurts the most which I didnt want to detail because I am worried a lot of anonymous people on the Internet who have even less of a context of the events than me might instill more doubt in me.

There was an office party. Lots of confusion about how she will get there and how she will get back. I was supposed to do the driving. Then she got a ride from her female co-worker. I was staying up until 1am watching the kids and waiting for her to call me so I can pick her up. She texted be just before 1am saying I can go to bed she will be getting a ride with another person. She got home around 2 or 2:30am.

There was a text from him the next morning "How are you feeling party girl? Have you forgiven me or do I have to expose the videos of abuse?" her reply was, omg, i drank so much, i hope i want too crrazy last night".

I confronted her about it and she dismissed it as she couldn't explain why he texted that. I told her that's a really strange text to get from a man who dropped you off at 2am the previous night. I have a few close female friends and I have never in my life needed to text them for forgiveness for anything I may have done to them. I have also never complimented them on their smile how they look in a dress. Generally this would be something I would tell someone I was interested in if I were single.

I feel so awful... I don't want to blow up my marraige and family over a stolen kiss some guy may have given her in a car. I don't know if this is how females and men that are "just one of the girls" text each other or I am reading into things too much and going paranoid. I have been on verge of tears all day at work.

No, I have never been a jealous husband who denied her to go out. I actually encouraged her to go out with friends because I think its healthy for us to have our own shared circle of friends as well as our own individual circle of friends. I dont know how I am ever going to be able to feel like I trust her.

OP posts:
mm2one · 22/01/2018 23:35

No. I have never the jealous type until now.

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 22/01/2018 23:37

Telling someone they love their smile and sexual jokes aren't appropriate I don't feel . I have friends who are males in my work , we share the odd joke but we don't text each other to the frequency you describe , I'd be concerned tbh op and think you need to have an honest discussion as to why she wanted you to delete the pics of the messages so badly and ask her what steps she is going to do to protect your marriage ...

Lefty1 · 22/01/2018 23:45

And probably speak to a solicitor so you can be prepared in any event. Sorry not meaning to scare you but it's better to be on the front foot if stuff does go down. Sorry this is happening to you too Wine

Mxyzptlk · 22/01/2018 23:49

I think it's not unreasonable to tell your wife that you were very upset by those messages and to ask her to stop texting this guy.
If she understands how you feel, and cares about you, she should be willing to do that.

Their friendship may just be jokey and casual and, if so, they should be okay with cutting it back so as not to upset you.

AuntyElle · 22/01/2018 23:53

So you’ve had the initial conversation where it sounds like she was pretty dismissive, but perhaps tomorrow you can talk again and ask her where from here? The onus is on her to explain and suggest a way forward. Then you can work out if you accept what she says. It can’t just be brushed under the carpet.
If you can’t get anywhere together then you could suggest relationship counselling.

AuntyElle · 22/01/2018 23:55

I don’t agree with the suggestion of a solicitor at this point.

mm2one · 22/01/2018 23:57

Lefty.. she asked me to delete them because she said it will drive me crazy reading them constantly." She is right.

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 23/01/2018 00:00

If the roles were reversed and this was a woman posting there would be an outcry of "LTB", "he's cheated already" and "get your ducks in a row!". I don't think it's a case for LTB just yet but her behaviour and messages are suspect and for that reason I see no harm in really understanding what this could mean and being mentally prepared / seeking legal advice

Lefty1 · 23/01/2018 00:03

Ah that makes sense in terms of deleting them , I thought she may have been worried you'd use them for legal reasons or to tell his wife...was that her only suggestion?

The argument thing / Christmas party thing seems odd too. Does she have many weekends away / late nights out and not with you & children?

mm2one · 23/01/2018 12:06

Thank you to all. We did have a frank and thorough discussion and talked it out to death. The whole thing was apparently a very casual jokey relationship and she does admit it does look really bad on text as she never envisioned I would be reading it. We have made up and are getting over it.

Now I am a little angry as I feel there was a whole week of stress and lack of sleep and tension in my marriage and my family that was caused by this stupidity. I have a good mind to send this idiots wife the texts and let him had a taste of his own medicine.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 23/01/2018 12:33

OP. I think this is your wife getting off on a bit of flattery/joking and a married guy is getting a buzz from someone paying attention to him and a bit of mild flirting. If he is the main one she actually talks to at work, its very very easy when you see someone 8 hours a day for it to develop into an easy 'semi jokey/flirty' friendshipeven if no lines get crossed. Life can get a bit groundhog day for everyone and sometimes these kinds of 'friendships' help give the day a bit more zing. What isnt acceptable though is if it takes over and they start with the evening texts, the texting during family time etc and it isnt acceptable to be saying 'love your smile' etc. I should know, my DH had an emotional thing that went on for quite a long time and I think there was a large element involved of this 'giving his day a bit more zing' that was going on at a point when we had some crap going on in life. Sadly he took it way too far and wrote it all down in poems etc, leaving me to find them many years laternice-NOT!! I wouldnt if I were you read too much into it at this stage, I would however set boundaries of what you think is ok and what isnt and make it clear this isnt ok with you at this level. . Of course she knows it looks bad, you were not meant to see this stuff , and she needs to have a serious think about 'why she needs that buzz' and broaden her friendships a bit. Also, you need to keep your antenna on high alert for a good while I feel, just in case it 'develops' because by telling her, if anything dodgy is going on it will now go 'underground' . I dont think it is by the tone of her texts. I just think she has got a bit carried away.

mm2one · 23/01/2018 14:05

Thank you yetmorecrap . I also don't think so and hope its not the case.

Finding those poems many years later must have been quite heart breaking. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 23/01/2018 17:30

no it was totally horrible, especially as he recorded and sang and played on songs to these poems/lyrics and I found the Cds at same time and listened to them. Its a hard thing to get past and still a bit undecided . I do think though OP the tone of those emails/texts is similar to guys I have worked with in the past who just get off on slightly over friendly 'banter' . It may be the first time your wife has had anything like that and enjoyed the ego boost--which is crap I know, but maybe has been a sharp wake up call, that actions have consequences, in this case you losing a bit of trust. and maybe you too (if you dont) could send her the odd lovely text in the day , so you in her thoughts.

mm2one · 23/01/2018 18:06

@yetmorecrap.

The songs and singing about another women does sound very, how should I say it - "cliche"

I think in my case you are right. This was just a silly big of foolery. I would have never snooped through her stuff if she actually told me what and who she was doing this with. I also think I would have never snooped further in the history if the first text I saw the first time I opened the app was a text about me in it.

I feel awful for what has happened and feel awful that she feels bad about it.

I am really mad at the man. I should send him a text telling him how much "I love to see his wifes smile" and how good she looks in the dress she is wearing. See if he likes it.

OP posts:
ThamesRiver · 23/01/2018 18:08

If I were in your position, I would NOT get rid of your copies of the texts. I strongly suspect your wife is very worried that the OM's wife may eventually see them.

If your wife doesn't think it's that bad, then she shouldn't mind the OM's wife seeing them - should she?

Honestly, I think your wife knows that she's dodged a bullet here

mm2one · 23/01/2018 18:12

@yetmorecrap - I do feel (and hope nothing bad is going down) that this was a wake up call for us. To be a little more open with each other and more transparent with each other about what we are doing with mobile electronics communication and the Internet. During the discussion the topic of one of my close female friends came up and it never occurred to me it bothered her that I would meet up with her for lunches every few months. Even though I have know this friend for almost 30 years and she was even at our wedding and always asks about my wife and children. We rarely meet up all together becase we live in the suburbs and my friend lives in the city and i work in the city -- so when we do meet up, its usually just me and her for lunch. I will from now on change my interaction with her and try to always make sure we always meet up with my wife and kids present. She has always been asking when she will get to see my children again because she hasn't seen them in years.

OP posts:

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mm2one · 23/01/2018 18:16

@ThamesRiver. Yes, I do agree. If this man has also not revealed the extent of his 'friendship' with my wife to his wife, i think she would be very suspicious of a long line of texts on his phone from a female sending him pictures of her nights out.

This whole thing is just so stupid. I can't believe its turned into so much stress.

OP posts:
mm2one · 23/01/2018 18:21

What has me a little suspicious is that my wife told me this man told her that he was forced to stop texting another co worker in her office who left the company, because her husband suspected she was having an affair with him. I don't know if he's just an overly friendly male or a player who was grooming her for a possible full fledged affair.

OP posts:
waterrat · 23/01/2018 18:23

To be honest i think this is really bad. Texting during xmas dinner ?? Having a completely hidden text relstionship that meant she was thinking about him constantly during family times?

She sounds like shr was quite obsessed with this guy and you are almost being too reasonable.

Thr two of you need to be very honest with your feelings about this and she needs to massively dial down the friendship to completely ending this texting madness

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