Emotional Affair

[mm2one]

Hello. I think I caught my wife having an emotional affair. We have been married for almost 16 years and together for almost 22 years. We have two children. I caught her by looking through her texts. I snooped because I was suspicious. She had been behaving like a lot of the classic symptoms of someone who is in a EA that you read online. I saved the evidence and confronted her on the weekend.

During the confrontation she admitted it looked bad and she said it was just a friendship and that she wouldn't have ever done it if she thought I would react that way.

The timing was awful because I discovered the evidence on the Wednesday, there was some item that made me think it might have been physical but it was my child's birthday on the weekend. So I kept it all inside because she was busy preparing for the birthday and I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin it all and the birthday. So what happened is I didn't sleep at all Wednesday through Saturday because of this. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreak and kept going back and forth between anger and crying probably because of lack of sleep. But I managed to put on a brave fake face and I think none of the other parents or the kids or our family noticed.

I don't want to go into too many details, I am posting this because I want to ask the following.

I am trying to figure out how to cope. Even though we did seem to make up and there was no blow up -- I am still going back and forth between feeling miserable and on the verge of crying and back to forgetting about it.

We left it at, she admitted that it looked bad and insisted I delete my copies. I didn't give her any ultimatums or demand she not have friends or delete his number. I know its improbable to go from texting almost daily to zero communication with a co-worker in one day.

I dont want to be the controlling paranoid husband who is constantly snooping on his wifes phone. I didn't demand anything from her or give an ultimatum. What sorts of signs should I be looking for to be convinced that she does really feel that she might have done something inappropriate and what should I look for to confirm that she has taking some sort of action on her part and I can start to try to trust her and feel normal again.

Any advice appreciated.

Hi, I am here because I am confused beyond belief and I don't know what is happening.

So she went to work today and had a bit of a nervous breakdown and was all emotional and cried in the morning. I re-assured her everything will be okay and alright.

I told her I will leave work early to come home and help with the kids.

Now she is home in bed all night and seems to be in a depression. She keeps repeating she is sad and she doesn't want to do anything anymore. I don't understand whats going on. She seems to be putting on a child act. I am completely confused by whats going on.

Is she in a depression? Should I try to convince her to go to doctors?

I think the reason you are (justifiably) taking it hard is because you have found out something very upsetting. You followed your instincts because you were suspicious and you were proved right.

Finding out your other half is having an affair is clearly a shocking thing to discover so don't down play it. You've found out a secret side to your wife you never knew before. Clearly there is a huge adjustment to make and it's not surprising you're finding it hard to take.

I suspect your wife is in the state she is because i) she can't pretend anymore that it wasn't an EA (you have rightly called her on it) and ii) she realises that the fairytale is over -she's grieving. The relationship buzz and excitement have come to an end as has

If she properly opens up to you, you can help her. But if she won't open up to you and accept & admit what she's done, it will be very difficult to move forward.

Let's be clear here - it's not up to you to save her. Your priority should be your children and yourself. Your wife needs to fully accept what she has done and deal with her issues openly. If she doesn't, the underlying drivers will not be addressed.

Your natural reaction may be to look after her in this time of grief, but you shouldn't be running around after her. Please see this for what it is. SHE is the one that needs to come to YOU.

She wants to to be all over her and reassure her. Don't do it. Let her learn.

The relationship buzz and excitement have come to an end

That's what it is.

There's no need for you to make huge efforts to comfort her. You are in shock too and the whole thing is her fault.

Be nice to her, as you always are, and let her sort herself out.

Honestly I stopped reading halfway through. I will never understand the mentality about not having friends of the opppsite gender. The only one of those messages that makes me raise eyebrows was the one about asking to be forgiven. That suggests something might have happened but she obviously was not the instigator or he would not be apologising.

Everyone needs friends. Being an adult sucks and is often lonely. Lots of people find friends through work. Sounds like her friend needs someone to talk to too. Funnily enough I too have talked to a male colleague about private stuff as who else do you talk to when you don’t see your female friends very often. I never slept with one or cheated.

I also still do talk to a male friend. My partner is fully aware of that friend and that friend actually does overstep the line and has to be slapped down often. It’s not an emotional affair though as deep stuff I talk to my partner about. My partner laughs and says he trusts me to handle it when the friend goes too far. In fact we have a bit of s laugh in discussing the put downs I come out with.

As far as I can see your wife is not having an affair. She has a friend. Plus talk about double standards if you’re popping off to have lunches with a female friend. I doubt you talk about the weather.

Just talk to your wife. Both of you be more open and communicate with each other and move on.

I'm sorry, but it isn't acceptable to spend a gig with your husband and your family Christmas dinner sending a stream of texts to someone else. I don't have any friends that are constantly at the front of my mind like that.

Your wife isn't showing you any loyalty or commitment. Her minimising would totally piss me off tbh. All she does is moan about you and his wife.

Women don't impregnate themselves ..it seems her and him moan about their respective spouses.

If she thinks her interactions eith him are innocent...I suppose she'd be fine if you had a female friend that you talked to I'm a similar manner?

I don't know if you have much of a social life away from your wife.

I suggest you invest time in yourself... be in the best physical shape you can be for yourself.

Take up an interest and widen your social circle. You need your self esteem building up.

Karigan1 No one here is saying that having friends of the opposite sex is wrong. I, for one, think it's healthy.

It turns into an emotional affair when you start hiding stuff from your partner. I'm assuming you don't hide stuff from your OH - as such there is no issue.

OP hasn't hidden anything from his wife about his friendship with his friend. His wife HAS hidden the extent of her "friendship" from OP. It is manifestly clear that it's crossed the line. Not recognising the difference is naive.

It's not binary: "friend of opposite sex: right or worng?". Making the distinction as such is simply lazy.

What’s she hidden? She has mentioned the work friend to her husband on his own account. The OP says she just didn’t tell him she texts him a lot. Which one of you reports the texts you send to your friends to your partner. In addition, please note the OP regularly has lunch alone with his long term female friend.

Oh yes, not backing off a bit when a) this man has already come between another marriage in his workplace and b) He is texting her "I love the way you smile". "You looked amazing in that dress" is Totally Fine.

OP, your wife admitted that it looks bad and was too much contact. You are allowed to feel hurt.

Oh gosh OP. She has taken to bed because of many possible reasons.

She wants the world to stop because she knows she is in big trouble in her marriage and the flirtation/ obsession (whatever) that she has with her workmate will now have to end.

I know this is painful to think about but she may well have real feelings for him - in which case she might be depressed that her relationship with him is going to completely change now and she will have to stop this emotional affair.

Please ignore the poster saying this is a normal friendship. It's obviously not an appropriate relationship and you mustn't doubt your own feelings of hurt.

Also, the reason you feel hurt is because it's hurtful! don't doubt yourself.

it sounds, like she isn't being remorseful or considerate toward you, at all. And I think, you should not be deleting evidence and going to see a solicitor. So you can find someone who appreciates you.

She's getting withdrawal symptoms from her EA. The ego stroking has ended and she's being rather manipulative.

I might add that pandering to her isn't going to help. She'll just see you as weak and desperate not to lose her.

She is sad because it's over with her man friend.
Look after yourself and the kids OP.

Thank you all. It does seem it may not have been a physical affair but I do think she is still in denial that it was or is not an EA. For now things are a little better. If it is more serious then I guess it will go underground and blossom in the spring again.

I have been doing a lot of my own soul searching through this ordeal trying to understand it better. I have been looking at my own behavior and actions and think there may be lots of room for improvement on my side as well. There are many things that she has been complaining about that I have not taken as seriously as make it a priority as I should have. Perhaps lots of room to address those on my side and make this better.

Will things ever go back to the way they were or will I forever from now always keep looking at how long she is texting and scanning the mobile phone bills for frequent suspicious numbers? I just want to be back to my regular self again .

OP I don't think things can 'go back' if you don't move forward honestly and in complete trust.

Ask yourself this - is she doing as much soul searching as you?

It's great that you are looking at what has been going wrong and where you haven't been putting the attention and energy in - but is she also doing that?

You can't fix your marriage on your own - and if you just brush this under the carpet and move on without talking truly openly then it will be a false foundation.

I think you need to talk, talk and talk more - tell her you want to listen and understand and that you will try not to react angrily if she is honest. Use mediation or counselling and try to get to the bottom of how it started and what she wanted to happen with this guy.

painful but I think best for both of you if you are honest with each other?

It sounds like you are more invested in the marriage than she is tbh.

Thanks all. So I think I am over this event.

But I did something very naughty.

I send the guy a text addressed to his wife.

I took a picture of the seafood dish I was making for my kids and sent the recepie and and ingredients and thanked her for the recepie.

:-)

If they are such close friends, i am sure he will understand.

To repeat what I said upthread: Have pride in yourself and set your own boundaries.

I think you have done both.

Good luck