Emotional Affair

[mm2one]

Hello. I think I caught my wife having an emotional affair. We have been married for almost 16 years and together for almost 22 years. We have two children. I caught her by looking through her texts. I snooped because I was suspicious. She had been behaving like a lot of the classic symptoms of someone who is in a EA that you read online. I saved the evidence and confronted her on the weekend.

During the confrontation she admitted it looked bad and she said it was just a friendship and that she wouldn't have ever done it if she thought I would react that way.

The timing was awful because I discovered the evidence on the Wednesday, there was some item that made me think it might have been physical but it was my child's birthday on the weekend. So I kept it all inside because she was busy preparing for the birthday and I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin it all and the birthday. So what happened is I didn't sleep at all Wednesday through Saturday because of this. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreak and kept going back and forth between anger and crying probably because of lack of sleep. But I managed to put on a brave fake face and I think none of the other parents or the kids or our family noticed.

I don't want to go into too many details, I am posting this because I want to ask the following.

I am trying to figure out how to cope. Even though we did seem to make up and there was no blow up -- I am still going back and forth between feeling miserable and on the verge of crying and back to forgetting about it.

We left it at, she admitted that it looked bad and insisted I delete my copies. I didn't give her any ultimatums or demand she not have friends or delete his number. I know its improbable to go from texting almost daily to zero communication with a co-worker in one day.

I dont want to be the controlling paranoid husband who is constantly snooping on his wifes phone. I didn't demand anything from her or give an ultimatum. What sorts of signs should I be looking for to be convinced that she does really feel that she might have done something inappropriate and what should I look for to confirm that she has taking some sort of action on her part and I can start to try to trust her and feel normal again.

Any advice appreciated.

Would she go to counselling with you?

Its true that flirtatious friendships might just be a bit if fun for her but it seems sje has allowed this guy into a private space that betrays your relationship and she needs to admit she fif that so you can move forwadd.

But you haven't been sending your friend of 30 years inappropriate texts, have you? You haven't done anything that you would feel uncomfortable about if your wife found out.

You seeing a friend for lunch once in a while is completely different to what your wife has done. If she thinks it is the same, then, as I say, send the texts to the OM's wife and see is she agrees.

I think you've had the wool pulled over your eyes and your wife is trying to deflect attention by raising supposed concerns that she hasn't expressed in the past.

Trust your instincts, but don't let yourself be treated like a mug. If you do, then you will find that it will turn into the norm.

Oh yes - and show your wife this thread

@waterrat

Yes. I completely agree. I feel she betrayed our trust and thats maybe one of the reason what I am feeling so threatened and betrayed by this.

The first time I got suspicious was about a month ago when we went on our "date" to a concert. She was texting someone at the concert. I asked her who is that. She said its just a co-worker. I thought it was strange to be texting a male co-worker on our "date" on a Saturday at 10pm at night but left it at that.

I really feel she might be in a EA but doesn't realize it.

@ThamesRiver.... no. I have never told my friend she has a beautiful smile or looks amazing in a dress. But I guess I am also not a "just one of the girls" kind of male. I have also never had to ask for forgiveness for anything.

Thanks for that post. I was really feeling crumby and miserable that I may have inappropriately invaded my wifes personal space. The way this whole thing started was I saw a text she had sent him sort of making fun of how I picked up take out dinner for her and the kids but failed to mention to her that I would be home a hour late so she has to figure out what to cook so they all don't starve.

I was like, why is this guy from work she was texting at a concert a few weeks ago knows what we are having for dinner the nigh before.

my wife told me this man told her that he was forced to stop texting another co worker in her office who left the company, because her husband suspected she was having an affair with him. I don't know if he's just an overly friendly male or a player who was grooming her for a possible full fledged affair.
Ok, so there is a pattern here. Maybe worth discussing with your wife.

I think you have to discuss this further with your wife. She shouldn't be texting this man at all. He's someone she works with. Not a friend. I doubt she would text a female friend as much as she texts him. She is having an emotional affair, and it needs to stop, if she respects you and values your marriage.

Your wife enjoys the attention from him.

I wonder what het reaction would be if the roles were reversed.

How would she feel if you were complimenting a female co-workers dress? She needs to maintain appropriate boundaries and you need to realise it's your wife that made him comfortable enough to talk to her this way.

It's easy to blame him ... but your wife knows this was unacceptable. She just loves the attention.

I told her I think she is having an emotional affair. She said no. I told her to google it. She googled it and said no, that's not what it is.

Not much else I can do.

I think forward all the messages on to this guys wife and let her also decide if she thinks it is innocent.
I would be so hurt OP, texting while having Christmas dinner and on nights out with you is awful.

Op it is totally unacceptable that she is texting him constantly during dates with you - I'm actually wondering about your levels of self esteem here! I literally cannot imagine my husband doing that once let alone repeatedly throughout family events/ xmas dinner/ while you are meant to be spending time together.

Can I be honest too - she knows it was an emotional affair!! She doesn't 'not realise' - she just isn't admitting what she has been doing because she doesn't want you to be angry or be on her case.

Her minimising is also very poor behaviour - at least if she admitted she had been really inappropriate and had allowed a friendship to become and obsession then you could try to repair your marriage (sorry but she sounds obsessed, like she is addicted to contact with him and constantly flirting with him)))

You sound paralysed by fear of criticising her- where is the fire in your belly to sort your marriage out?? Is it happy otherwise? It's so far from my own experience what you describe that I think you may have lost sight of what happiness with your wife should feel like.

Until she admits she has had a seriously inappropriate relationship here and that she needs to completely stop it I don't think you can move forward.

@waterrat thanks for that post.

I didnt know she was texting him constantly. I only heard about him briefly back in May of last year and then at the concert. It wasn't until I read the texts on Wednesday that I found out she was texting constantly and during family events.

I am not gong to send this guys wife the texts. According to her statement, "his wife is constantly getting pregnant and having babies". I have no idea how many children she has or how old they are. The last thing I am going to do is stress out a woman thats caring little babies.

If she doesn't think she's having an emotional affair, send the tests to OM'a wife

Seriously

Whether she agrees with the definition or not, she is definitely emotionally involved with this man. Why else would she be obsessively texting him at the most inappropriate times? On Christmas day? At the theatre with you? Surely you know how wrong this is?

Fair enough if that is true about his wife. To be fair though, your wife could be saying that so you don't tell her.
Anyway, I would say she should text him again (in front of you) and says that the messages from both of them have made you uncomfortable and that it stops now or you really know that she doesn't care how hurt you are. I wouldn't put a brave face on (apart from in front of the children of course) I would let her see exactly what damage she has done to you.

I too wonder about your self esteem OP. If your wife can brush this aside so easily

Noted regarding the OM's wife. I would put it to you OP that any reasonable person would regard the tone, content, extent and timing of the texts as highly inappropriate.

If not the OM's wife, then I suggest asking someone else that can give you both an objective opinion. I'm sure your wife's parents, for example, would regard the comms as suggestive of significant emotional involvement and highly inappropriate.

As I say, your wife is clearly minimising the whole episode. You have asked for opinions here and you have got plenty.

It's up to you how you feel about it.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck with everything.

I don't think it's good advice to start showing these messages to outsiders! Start with being strong in stating your unhappiness and the fact that this has to stop right now.

IF she refuses or won't apologise and begin counselling then I think you have to ask how committed she is to your feelings - and to ensuring you want to stay married to her.

I hope my message wasn't harsh - it must be so painful to be going through this. Have belief in yourself that you are entitled to set boundaries on your marriage - and to expect respect from your partner.

I think there must be deep issues to be addressed here to wonder how so much could be hidden for so long and how your wife is now brushing aside your unhappiness.

Good luck.

I think waterrat is spot on - much more level headed than my rash response

Have pride in yourself and set boundaries.

Hope it all sorts itself out

She tells you his wife is constantly getting pregnant and having babies

• his wife manages that all by herself, does she? Sounds like your wife's workmate gets off on flirting with older, married women. Possibly because his wife is busy with the children and he feels she doesn't pay him enough attention, poor wee man. He's using your wife to boost his own self-esteem.

Tell her how unhappy this is making you. Let her see how foolish she is being.

I have a good mind to send this idiots wife the texts and let him had a taste of his own medicine.

Definitely don't do that. His wife has done nothing to deserve it.

his wife is constantly getting pregnant and having babies is almost a catty comment, so this pair have clearly been having a little bitch-fest about his wife.
I’d be wondering wtf they say about you?
It’s an emotional affair, she needs a wake up call and this isn’t it. She’s just told you it’s nothing and not to let it bother you.

This > Have pride in yourself and set boundaries.
It doesn't matter how much your wife wants to minimise or justify. What matters here is that it makes you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. It is quite possible that in her mind this isn't a problem. She has had months of slipping down this slope and obviously doesn't realise that what she has been doing is having an EA with this man. However, she is. That line was crossed when the first text was sent that she didn't show you because she felt you would overreact.
NC is the only way. If required she needs to show she's willing to be open and give you access to all email texts etc.

And for a timeline, have a look at this.

The only proof I have so far that they are talking about me is that I bring home take out food too late. I did discuss this with her and she did admit it did look bad and make me look bad.

I am wondering, could it be that the way in which I discovered these texts could be why I am taking it so hard?

I mean, I never have been suspicious of her in the past. I never snooped. I started getting suspicious because she was always on her phone texting. I snooped, and the first text I saw was the one about me. My curiosity naturally made me keep going back in history and then I saw a lot more texting that I never in a million years would have expected. I also saw texting in family situations I would have never in a million years expected her to be texting during the Christmas holidays? From there suspicion built upon suspicion?