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Friends after divorce

(67 Posts)
WasDoingFine Sun 12-Nov-17 20:26:16

Stbx and I separated in June after 20 years (15 married) and two children.

We have one couple who are mutual friends. He has known the DH for many years as they worked and then lived together when single. Us girlfriends came along and we all live in a flat together for a while before marrying and buying our own houses.

The wife and I have been in contact since we separated and she knows what has happened (OW and introducing the children to her 4 weeks after we split plus other stuff like him being nasty about money etc). This level of contact is usual for us. They have not had much contact with him as he hasn't returned their contact.

STBX has just messaged to say that he cant have the children on one of his two contact days next week as he is seeing them instead. He has form for dropping the children - again they know this.

I was at first upset that they are going out for a meal with him but soon got over that as they are friends with him too. What I can't get over is that the OW is also going.

I just feel utterly betrayed by this and I don't know if I am being unreasonable in feeling this way or how to handle it.

flamingnoravera Sun 12-Nov-17 20:57:28

I had to face this when my ex did something similar. It was hard but I felt so betrayed by him and was NC so I decided that I had to divorce the friends too because it was just too painful and horrid. I didn’t tell them I just stopped contacting and let them go. It felt like another betrayal. They won’t see it that way, the friends will expect you to “move on” and it was that attitude that helped me to realise that I had to drop them.

It will get better and you will make new friends.

WasDoingFine Sun 12-Nov-17 21:03:27

It's strange really. I'm not that upset about loosing my DH (obviously have had the odd moment of being upset), but thing's like this totally floor me.

flamingnoravera Sun 12-Nov-17 21:12:47

What is it about it that’s floored you? What’s the feeling? Anger? hurt? Disappointment? Betrayal? Mistrust (deos it mean they knew before you did?)

flamingnoravera Sun 12-Nov-17 21:14:47

Sorry, you said it was betrayal, is there something else?

WasDoingFine Sun 12-Nov-17 22:10:49

I think it's the fact that they know everything that has happened - his affair, him trying to get the house sold and making the children and l homeless, him making the boys spend all their contact time with her even though they have begged him to have time alone with them, how nasty he has got over finances and at one point constantly accusing me of trying to rip him off (he had to fill in Form E) even though he has now booked 3 holidays in 6 months with OW, etc

And yet they still want to go out with them as a couple - like we used too. I just feel that by them doing that they are accepting what he has done and my friendship with them means nothing. They know he has organised to see them on one if his contact nights so yet again l have to pick up the pieces with the children being upset. They know he has purchased a Christmas ornament of a family of 4 and had her name put in the "mum" figure in it.

I just feel so completely pushed out and they are all going to be best buddies whilst I'm the one yet agaìn left to get on with it.

Belleoftheball8 Sun 12-Nov-17 22:16:43

Bin your so called friends if your female friend anything about her she wouldn’t entertain socialising with them.

WasDoingFine Sun 12-Nov-17 22:30:26

See that's it. I know l wouldn't have even considered it if roles were reversed.

I have absolutely no issues with them seeing him. But to agree to see her when it's not been even 5 months is quite devastating.

I don't know if I'm over reacting though and l don't want to cut my nose off. ....

springydaffs Sun 12-Nov-17 23:10:10

I don't think you're overreacting at all. But I do think people "move on", especially after 5 months. They may feel they've given him the cold shoulder for long enough...

Flamingnora has it imo re you have to divorce the friends otherwise it's too painful.

Changedname3456 Sun 12-Nov-17 23:31:40

They’re not really your friends. If you keep this woman in your life then I don’t think you’ll ever be sure what’s being repeated back to the OW / exH.

I had a similar situation with my best mate and his wife. She stayed friendly with my exW (who’d cheated), gone out with her and the OM. Difference is that my mate wouldn’t have anything to do with my exW nor the OM. He stayed completely loyal and I knew he wouldn’t repeat anything I’d said to his wife.

scrabbler3 Sun 12-Nov-17 23:53:14

I think you should cut contact with them. No need to make a song and dance of it. Just drop them quietly and naturally. I was in a similar situation and got rid of them on social media and replied politely and non-commitally to texts/emails until they got the message eventually.

I wouldn't socialise with a friend and their OW or OM if I was good friends with the spouse too. I'd only do so if I were very close to the cheater and less so to the spouse.

Good luck with everything.

WasDoingFine Mon 13-Nov-17 02:41:28

Thanks everyone.

They haven't given him the cold shoulder. They reached out to him as they did to me but he didn't return the contact. Which isn't unusual as it is the wife and l who have contact and would organise our get togethers.

sofato5miles Mon 13-Nov-17 02:59:12

I get it. You want him to be punished for what he has done to you. That is thoroughly understandable.

ONE though, people tend to think that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and want things to continue as normally as possible.

You never know. His friend may have put the pressure on, she may be thoroughly pissed off but thinking 'least said, soonest mended'. They may loathe her or like her and I have no doubt that the wife will have barriers up against your ex.

HipsterAssassin Mon 13-Nov-17 06:57:40

OP a similar thing happened to me. ExH never saw his kids except the 1 night per month I was on call and sat by work phone ready to go out and work. I was on my knees exhausted (working4 days a week). My best friend (at the time) who knew this and her family started (after two years of NC) started going out on cosy family lunches with him and the new gf.

That was the beginning of the end for us. I told her I wanted nothing more to do with her. Although for her it was done as a weird maneuvre to actually protest at me moving on. Me and her were NC for a while and are little more than acquaintances now.

It's really painful. Part of it is losing out on the 'social capital' of being a couple. Couples like socialising with couples more than staying loyal sometimes.

Poor you OP flowers

Hellothereitsme Mon 13-Nov-17 07:05:08

It does hurt and I'm sorry. But unfortunately people do very strange things. I would tell the wife that you are sorry but find it very difficult to stay friends with them. Gradually you will make new friends. But it is hard. When my STBXH and I separated (he had an affair) we both lost friends. I found that the hardest part of the separation. But some friends made it very clear that they would support me and they have.

HipsterAssassin Mon 13-Nov-17 07:05:24

Oh and if it helps I have got to a place where in I longer care. I have downgraded her in my life. She can't really understand it because she has issues and is massively needy. Hence the charades. I've outgrown the friendship.

There is a bright future when all this has settled down, OP.

AuntieStella Mon 13-Nov-17 07:07:43

It's not that they're keeping up,with him, it's their apparent acceptance of her.

Note 'apparent' - a decision on their part to accept their friends warts and all does not mean they actually like the OW or approve of what he's done.

But it looks like that, doesn't it? And certainly feels like that. So you probably will need to back pedal from these friends for a while. I don't think you're over-reacting, and also think you're right to know you need to avoid cutting off your nose. Just take it steady, see what (if anything) they do next.

WasDoingFine Mon 13-Nov-17 07:10:24

Many thanks everyone.

I am just so torn in my feelings about it. I'm not concerned about them telling stbx thing's l have said as - again l would be upset but l have only told the truth through out.

I totally understand that they are friends with us both and so want to see us both but why meet her knowing that she was the OW.

WasDoingFine Mon 13-Nov-17 07:15:37

Another friend of mine said they seem to be trying to stay impartial by seeing us both.

Except they haven't actually seen me apart from in the very beginning when l went round once as l couldnt face going home as STBX had got the estate agents round as he wanted the house on the market - that was two weeks after we seperated.

Surely though by meeting her, that isn't being impartial. That is accepting their relationship and being morally fine with it

springydaffs Mon 13-Nov-17 09:59:04

People are desperate not to be seen to be judgemental. It's the biggest social faux pas to be seen to judge.

Fuck that. To this day I 'judge' a couple who got together in the most shocking circs. I don't want to be in the same room as them. I will never accept them.

You need to let these people go. Shocking, but there it is flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 13-Nov-17 17:24:04

WasDoingFine, your ex and the OW are behaving really badly but from your posts it seems to be 'her' that is coming off worst. She isn't behaving well but she's certainly no worse than your ex. You would think that he would still have residual feelings of loyalty to you but he obviously doesn't. Presumably you will not see him unless you need to and her - not at all.

Your friends are ex-friends and there's no way back from this really. They have chosen. If it's any consolation to you, I think - if you imagine the situation reversed and it were you with a new partner - they would have picked you. Because they want to socialise as a couple because they are one and they have no loyalty beyond that.

Dump them all. I'm sorry for all that you're going through. ginflowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 13-Nov-17 17:30:24

It may be that your friend's DH is pushing her to do this, particularly as you said he and STBXH go back years?

Either way, you should feel able to call her and ask what's what if it has upset you this much.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 13-Nov-17 17:34:23

FWIW I think they will end up losing out here.

It's more likely that after the initial curiousness, OW will feel more secure pulling your H away into her friendship groups, especially where there are women who are/were YOUR good friends involved.

Also - you were friends on the back of decades of shared memories. Your female friend is going to miss that - sitting across the table from a simpering OW isn't going to be the same. They may hit it off, they are more likely to get on ok but not necessarily feel a big connection... It's a lot for your friend to trade in in exchange for still getting to do couple meet ups. Silly choice... But that's her.

And they sound awful. An ornament with her name in the 'mum' spot? What are they trying to do, actively train your children not only to hate her but to see just how insecure the two of them feel about their relationship?

Don't make your boys see them if they don't want to, by the way. If they're crying out for time with him, telling him loud and clear what they need and he's not listening, then YOU listen when they don't want to bother. Don't force them to go if they aren't going to feel he is there for them - you'd probably do more for their self-esteem and long-term relationship with their dad by letting them vote with their feet until he grows the fuck up.

So sad. Your friends are losing more than they realise. You however now have the measure of them and can move on.

Dozer Mon 13-Nov-17 17:36:00

Sorry your ex is behaving so badly towards you and the DC.

You mention that the first and longest friendship was between your ex and his friend. Their actions mean they have chosen your ex over you.

Dozer Mon 13-Nov-17 17:37:05

I wouldn’t behave like towards a friend the way they are towards you by socialising with your ex and OW and would reduce or cease contact with friends who did that to me.

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