Friends after divorce

[WasDoingFine]

Stbx and I separated in June after 20 years (15 married) and two children.

We have one couple who are mutual friends. He has known the DH for many years as they worked and then lived together when single. Us girlfriends came along and we all live in a flat together for a while before marrying and buying our own houses.

The wife and I have been in contact since we separated and she knows what has happened (OW and introducing the children to her 4 weeks after we split plus other stuff like him being nasty about money etc). This level of contact is usual for us. They have not had much contact with him as he hasn't returned their contact.

STBX has just messaged to say that he cant have the children on one of his two contact days next week as he is seeing them instead. He has form for dropping the children - again they know this.

I was at first upset that they are going out for a meal with him but soon got over that as they are friends with him too. What I can't get over is that the OW is also going.

I just feel utterly betrayed by this and I don't know if I am being unreasonable in feeling this way or how to handle it.

OP - try not to think of yoruself as the one left out in the cold, left to get on with it, as you said. You're the winner. You get more time with your DC and you get for them to have less time with her and their naff hideous ornament. Do something really good fun with DC on the day they 'should' be with him. Celebrate having that extra time with them. He and his spineless friends can do what they like. You are surrounded by the people who really matter - your own DC.

Sympathy to you OP. I felt the same when my ex & the OW met up with people who were previously mutual friends.

I'm 15 years down the line & nearly all our old mutual acquaintances are still in touch with me and very few with him. They all see him for what he is now.

Thanks everyone. Degree nisi was announced today. Another thing "done". Just got to get the finances sorted and then l can apply for the absolute.

What a pair of shits!
In fact, 2 pairs of shits!
Scant consolation op but st least this way they're not all going out together with kids and playing happy families with her stepping seamlessly into your shoes.

Such dishonourable creatures.

Good for you for being honest with your friend: shame her response was so wet. She was “sad” you “felt unsupported”, but happy to hang out with your ex and OW, when she knew he’d reneged on contact time with his DC to attend the double date.

Hi OP,

Thanks for sending me the link from the other similar thread we were both on. I'm really sorry that I didn't post on your thread earlier, but there has been alot of work stuff come up and for some reason I can never post on Mumsnet on my mobile, only on the laptop.

I'm really, really sorry to hear what you are going through both with the break up and divorce and now the problems with the friends you share with your STBX.

Its a sh#t thing that has happened to you and I'm sorry to hear about the pain you and your children are going through at the moment. Your STBX sounds really horrible and you are well rid of him.

I know how painful things like this can be to go through. I've had my share of horrible things happen. And going through that level of pain, it was all I could do to just function and hang on till it got better. Its abit like being in a storm at sea, tossed around helplessly while you fight the wind, rain, lightning and giant waves while you try to survive and regain control of the boat.

You are on an emotional seasaw at the moment, and while its very easy for me or others to say you'll get over it, when you are going through the trauma of betrayal and break up I know it can feel as though its never going to end. You just need to hang on and keep hanging on, because there is going to come a time when you will realise that you are through it and emerged into the calm of a new life. These horrible things that are happening at the moment are forging you into a new woman - a better, stronger and more complete individual than you ever were before. I'm just sorry for all the pain and hardship you are going through to get to that new you.

Your friends - as you may nb from the other thread there was a particular couple who introduced my OH and myself who split after we got engaged. We really tried the whole being mutual friends to both as we cared about both of them, but the guy ended phasing us out and dropping us. Looking at it now from what you said about your situation perhaps its really just not possible (even with the best of intentions) to be the type of friend that is needed to get someone through a split if you are supporting both people.

OP if I were you I think I would also feel hurt and upset by your friends having dinner with STBX and OW. In your situation I think I would probably feel that they were unjustly 'validating' his treatment of you and the children. I'm not sure that its something they are actually intentionally doing, but I do think that's how I would feel about it. It would feel rightly or wrongly like another betrayal.

So I think that you are doing the right thing to phase them out, because what you need to get through this OP is for your friends to be behind you 100%. You need your friends to be completely partisan and tell you that STBX is a big waste of space (which from what you've said he is) without honour or character. You need them to be 100% that you are better off without him and help you get to that point where the storm is over and you are transformed into the new and better you. If having these people as friends hinders that in any way, then it is best to put them to one side.

Thinking of you and your children OP. Wishing you only the very best.

Thank you everyone. It really does help to read all this. I have been so lucky with all the support l have had. I do feel so sad at loosing them and l feel he has "won" in some way but also l can't bare to see them knowing they have been having a jolly time with her.

Life does go on and of course they would have gone out with them eventually
...and maybe even with me if l ever got a new partner.... but not this quick when it is still so raw and we are still thrashing out the terms of our divorce.

I know hand on my heart that l would not be meeting her if the roles were reversed.

It's the timing. It's too quick. No wonder you are upset.
Yes, at some point, everyone has to be accepting of the new status quo. But this is just crass.
And he's using a DC contact night to facilitate it? No offer to swap it to another? I'd at least tell him he has got a night to make up.
And a family ornament with her name on it? That just made me heave.
I'd love to know whose idea that was!!

His l suspect. He had also ordered stuff like "our 1st Christmas" baubles etc

He has told me that l shouldn't feel bitter towards her and she wants to be like a mum to them and apparently she already thinks like a mum.

I was not impressed

God I’m not surprised, how utterly insensitive. What do your kids think?

Ds1 has ASD and doesn't talk much. He has said a couple of things (and smacked his Dad round the face when his Grandmother asked him to tell his Dad how he was feeling) but he is more fixated on the living arrangements etc.

Ds2 is a whole different ballgame. He fortunately starts counselling this week. He has a lot of anger in him and he exploded last week. Stbxh came round as he was out of control. I think he feels very muddled. I have told him so many times that he must not feel guilty for liking OW or being with her, but l think it's all too much

I think you've done the right thing to let them go, OP. We found ourselves in the position of your friends when close friends of ours divorced. We refused to meet the OM (she was the one to cheat) until the DH said he was fine about it and even then we weren't sure we were doing the right thing and checked in with him before we went out . If he'd changed his mind and said he felt uncomfortable, we would've cancelled and his ex-DW knew that and understood. Now, three years down the line, we're thankfully still friends with them both and their new partners. Your friends should be more sensitive to your feelings, it's still too soon. As for the Christmas decoration... WTAF?! So inappropriate!

I met my inlaws for lunch Saturday and they were surprised by it too.

They have met OW but are finding it all very hard. MIL still crys when we talk on the phone and is very angry with her son.

I’d drop them for the time being. I know many would disagree but I would find the other wife disloyal for meeting the new gf so soon and while it’s all so raw. Woman should stick together more. Would you do that if it was her husband who’d had an affair and generally acted like a dick? I suspect you’d politely decline the invite or let your husband go alone. I really hate it when people act like they’re not taking sides so they basically codone shitty behaviour.

Sometimes I think the only way to get through situations like this is to have as little to do with mutual friends as possible. You’re probably really hurting even if you think you’re not and you need to give yourself time to heal.

I hope it works out for you.

That’s awful

As far as l know they all went out last night. Not heard from my friend. Feel a bit down about it but nothing major. Would love to know what she thought of her and how they got along.