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Original poster

Friends after divorce

66 replies

WasDoingFine · 12/11/2017 20:26

Stbx and I separated in June after 20 years (15 married) and two children.

We have one couple who are mutual friends. He has known the DH for many years as they worked and then lived together when single. Us girlfriends came along and we all live in a flat together for a while before marrying and buying our own houses.

The wife and I have been in contact since we separated and she knows what has happened (OW and introducing the children to her 4 weeks after we split plus other stuff like him being nasty about money etc). This level of contact is usual for us. They have not had much contact with him as he hasn't returned their contact.

STBX has just messaged to say that he cant have the children on one of his two contact days next week as he is seeing them instead. He has form for dropping the children - again they know this.

I was at first upset that they are going out for a meal with him but soon got over that as they are friends with him too. What I can't get over is that the OW is also going.

I just feel utterly betrayed by this and I don't know if I am being unreasonable in feeling this way or how to handle it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WasDoingFine · 13/11/2017 17:57

Thank-you everyone. I feel so much better reading your posts and knowing that I'm not being selfish with how I'm feeling.

I have decided to back away from them. I have de-friended them from FB (the ultimate snub!) and l have written her a letter as l didn't want to ghost her.

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 13/11/2017 18:04

I do think you’re doing the right thing. Good luck.

SandyY2K · 13/11/2017 18:09

I personally wouldn't have written a letter...but that's absolutely your choice.

I'm sorry your Ex is so horrible.

PollytheDolly · 13/11/2017 18:21

They know he has purchased a Christmas ornament of a family of 4 and had her name put in the "mum" figure in it.

What?

KittiKat · 13/11/2017 18:23

I don't understand why you are letting your EX get away with cancelling the children on that evening. I would have said "sorry I have made plans for the evening so you will have to rearrange". I wouldn't make it easy for any of them.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/11/2017 18:30

Yes, why on earth are you taking them on his days? Shitty behaviour from your friends but I bet they want to check out the OW.

Original poster
WasDoingFine · 13/11/2017 19:22

SandyY2K - what would you have done instead? would you have just left it?

OP posts:
Original poster
WasDoingFine · 13/11/2017 19:23

PollytheDolly - it's one of the one's where you have a family of four and the names written on

OP posts:
Original poster
WasDoingFine · 13/11/2017 19:25

Like this

Friends after divorce
OP posts:
Original poster
WasDoingFine · 13/11/2017 19:29

KittiKat - I'm just trying to stay amicable and l know if l start being difficult he will become really awkward.

When we were together, if l couldn't help him in some way he would give me short one word answers and not help me then next time

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/11/2017 20:15

That Christmas decoration is massively disrespectful to you and your DC Shock and also hideously naff.

KittiKat · 13/11/2017 20:25

Oh WasDoingFine my heart goes out to you. I too wanted to keep things amicable for the children. You will find, as time goes on, that you will be at this beck and call until such time as he does or says something that really goes against the grain and pisses you off. Don't let him call all the shots and have it all his way. You sound so nice and it is always the nice ones that get trodden on. I say this from experience.

Original poster
WasDoingFine · 13/11/2017 22:10

I'm not always nice Grin and l have pulled him up on a few thing's already - mainly when he thinks l should be doing "wife work" still.

OP posts:
Bubblebath01 · 13/11/2017 23:08

I have found ex to be extremely manipulative. He has forced DC and other family to do things they wouldn't normally or reasonably do, by wording things as "closed" questions. I know this because I asked DC. It may be be that he positioned your friends in an extremely tight corner. Don't judge them. If he is a "salesman", however bad, he could be manipulating them. He is has an ego to feed, and he will feed off all parties, to the extent they can't say "no"?

Original poster
WasDoingFine · 14/11/2017 12:36

Think he definitely has an ego....

He was returning from holiday yesterday with OW and tweeted Thompson asking them to delay the flight as they were stuck in traffic.....

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/11/2017 13:34

Grin that’s classic! What a wanker.

Notrustanymore · 14/11/2017 13:52

The only way I would go to dinner with a friends cheating partner is to make a scene and out them both as cheaters.

But I would tell my friend I was gonna do that first and make sure she was fine with it. They'd probably want me to film it happening.

Get new friends. They aren't friends.

springydaffs · 14/11/2017 13:52

Oh God, you have to laugh. That is outrageous!

Myheartbelongsto · 14/11/2017 13:59

If your friend was a real friend she would tell them both to fuck off.

Have you spoken to hercabout this? I would give her a chance to talk it through before you ditch her.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2017 14:27

They are not friends. It's hard, but I'd start detaching myself from them.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2017 14:33

SandyY2K - what would you have done instead?would you have just left it?

I'm not saying you did wrong ... but I would have ghosted her.

I don't think she deserves an explanation for it .... but if she asked why I've been distant ... I'd tell her.

I remember saying how I don't confront and my tutor (counselling) tutor said I need to challenge more and call people out on their behaviour (when I told her about a situation) ... because they'd continue doing the same thing if nobody ever challenged them.

So I think not confronting is something within me and not always the way everyone would go about it.

I know cases where friends on her position have kind of been forced into meeting and socialising with the OW.

Original poster
WasDoingFine · 14/11/2017 15:03

I'm really not good with confrontational stuff either and would end up crying and making a fool of myself as l stutter and stumble over the words. Which is why l sent the letter, so l could explain in a controlled way why l was backing away.

It didn't go down well and she basically said she felt sad that l felt unsupported by her and that I'd put it in a message.

They are still going out though

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/11/2017 15:32

Her reply is perplexing. I wonder for she'd feel if the tables were turned

millifiori · 14/11/2017 15:46

How do you know he's telling the truth. I'd be inclined to send a text to the wife to say - He's started ducking out of his promises to maintain contact with the DC in favour of his social life. This time he's used seeing you as an excuse not to see his own children - just checking on whether he's telling the truth or not as I can't imagine you'd be too happy to be used as his scapegoat for skipping his duties as a dad.

millifiori · 14/11/2017 15:47

Oh sorry - didn't see the full thread. That's rough OP. But you are better off without 'friends' like that.