Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

[sassymuffin]

Didnt want to read and run.....

You may not like what I say though .....Please, please seek professional medical help and support.

Don't be ashamed, you are really brave in recognising there are issues that need to be resolved and that is really positive. The sleep as a vice is one of the biggest red flags that your depression may be worsening. Honestly don't shut out the possibility of medication as for many many people it is literally life saving.

You know that you could potentially end up with a police record if you continue harassing your ex, you know it is wrong and must stop.

[free2017]

Hi OP , I didn’t want to read and run but I can imagine how you feel. Break ups are never easy . Just take it one second at a time and try to turn your focus on something else. It will get better.

[Button21]

Thank you for replying. I know, I though that when I was writing the first post. He could go to the police about me.

I've been on and off anti depressants all my life, but they don't help. Maybe because I've never taken them properly? I don't know. I have about a years supply in my cupboards, so could start today... but I've just no faith in them.

I just want to be normal....I want to feel how I look....I cry all the time....please god help me....x

[MorrisZapp]

Why don't you take your tablets properly?

[ChickenMom]

Seek counselling. Find a good professional who can help and support you. Google counsellors in your area that specialise in trauma and addiction and family breakup. It's the only way you'll break the cycle xxx

[Button21]

Thank you. I don't take them because I've no faith they work...x

[ChickenMom]

Also, go back to your GP to look at the dosage of your meds. If you don't have faith in them, try a different type. It takes time for them to work so starting now is probably a good idea. Also, maybe consider getting CBT and/or calling the samaritans who might be able to point you in the direction of help in your area xxx

[ChickenMom]

Do you have any family/friends who can come be with you when you feel bad like this?

[thethoughtfox]

You have taken the first step admitting you need support. Please make an emergency GP appointment ( so you don't have to wait weeks) You need support and someone to talk to and maybe ADs. You have just turned a corner. Good luck x

[Button21]

I know what you're all saying is right....I just hate myself and what I'm doing. I just wish the pain in my heart would stop and I could feel ok again. I hate my life...and I'm sorry and ungrateful for saying that....

[Button21]

I don't want to bother my family and friends, because I feel they've heard it all before, and I'm ashamed. I'm hiding it....or trying to, but I'm holding on with my fingertips and screaming inside. I have a public and responsible job, and no one would know to look at me....

[RaininSummer]

It is normal to feel very down about a big break up. It isn't normal, as you know, to contact the ex so much or to be so depressed that you can't function. I can't advise about real depression as dont know much but please be kind to yourself.

This will pass. You don't say why you broke up. If it was a sudden shock I guess it makes things harder to deal with. Look for the good things in your life, it sounds like there are a lot. Having a man in your life is not essential for happiness. Try to speak with people every day and not sleep so much. Read some of the more entertaining threads on here to make you laugh and maybe read some of the not so good ones to make you realise that life isnt so bad after all. I know it sounds glib but slowly you can lift yourself out of the gloom.

[Button21]

Thank you. I just feel I've been here before. When my husband left me, it took me years to feel better. I had anti depressants, counselling, time off work, exhausted the goodwill of friends/family....my life was a mess for a long long time.

It's happening to me again and I'm panicking. I'm trying so desperately to hold onto my ex out of sheer fear that I have to go down that road again....it scares the hell out of me because it was an awful journey. I'm actually behaving worse than I did when my marriage ended...I'm going mad....x

[MorrisZapp]

We've all been heartbroken and we've all been a weeping mess. Some of us have also left ill advised voicemails, or sent embarrassing emails. But you must stop now. Your feelings will take a long time to pass, but your actions could cause you serious problems that there may be no coming back from.

Anti depressants absolutely do work, a lot of the time. They worked for me. Please at least give them a fair shot, and keep your doctor informed if you stop taking them.

[sassymuffin]

Keep posting Button21

There are lots of different types of medication and with medical help and support it is possible to find the correct treatment to help. Please don't take the medication that you have already as that could be dangerous.

Could you make an emergency appointment with your GP and show them this thread?

[BrokenStrings]

I've inboxed you x

[Button21]

No, I don't want to go down the route of my GP....I did that before, and all I got was a prescription, and a sick note for 4 weeks once a month for almost a year. It didn't help me. I would come home and sleep my days away. That pattern scares the hell out of me. I had to attend workplace meetings and have assessments... I know you all mean well, but I don't want to go down that route. I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful, but that path scares me....

I need to take back control and get some self respect and stop doing what I'm doing. That's why I've came on here. Please don't think I'm ungrateful because I don't want to seek help....I do. I really do. I've never wanted anything as bad as I do right now....just to feel ok again x

[pallasathena]

There's a book called "Women Who Love too Much", on Amazon and it helped a colleague of mine going through something similar. It could be worth a look.
Some people have a huge propensity to feel, to care, to love. I'm so sorry you've been going through such a terrible time.

[Teensandfuture]

I'm trying so desperately to hold onto my ex out of sheer fear that I have to go down that road again....
This is it, it is all your perspective. You don't know what future holds,no 2 relationships are the same,no 2 breakups are the same and if you start thinking in different direction things WILL go in different direction. Wake up tomorrow with a thought: I want to be happy today,feeling miserable is not for me,I deserve a good day. Then if you see any even remotely positive things happening ,be grateful for it,try to smile and think it is a god day . And if good things happen then it is a good day,isnt it? The day after the same..
And take meds today ,and every day going forward,your anxiety will reduce and you will feel calmer and more in control.Good luck Button

[MadMags]

Tough love:

The meds aren't working because you're not taking them and not giving them a chance.

Your pain is sad, but he has the right to break up with you and to live his life without being stalked.

You are being incredibly selfish to risk your dc like this. What happens to them if you get arrested (for example)?

Simply put, you don't have the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself whilst ringing your ex hundreds of times because you're responsible for the well-being of innocent children.

Getting help and taking it is non-negotiable.

Work on figuring out why someone else has this much power over you. Because it's not right.

[Teensandfuture]

And get rid of the phone for few days, if you can.Or at least switch it off for few hours at a time and fill that time with something pleasant:watch a favourite film,listen to lovely music..

[Bluntness100]

Op, I won’t sugar coat it as it wouldn’t be helpful, you know what you’re doing is terrible, it’s harassment pure and simple and I wouldn’t blame him if he got a restraining order against you.

Every suggestion people make you say no to. You need to decide do you really want to stop this, because if you do, then go seek some help. You actually have to do something to stop it. If you don’t want to stop, just keep doing it and rejecting all suggestions to help.

[MatildaTheCat]

Whilst I’m sympathetic that you feel so awful you are rejecting all advice on caring for yourself. Anti depressants DO work if taken correctly and the correct dose/ medication found. That means regular visits to a good gp and actually taking the meds. In conjunction with a talking therapy or CBT you would have a far greater chance of feeling better than by continuing your current way of coping.

There is, obviously no magic answer. Some of life’s knocks are painful and leave us devastated. But when we have respond dc it’s only right to seek help. By all means explain to your gp that you don’t want to take sick leave but that doesn’t automatically mean don’t see your gp.

In the meantime, to avoid the shame of a visit from the police, could you use a notebook to write down what you want to say to your ex instead of communicating directly?

[Sweetbell]

Op time to seek counseling/CBT please for yourself and your kids.

The only way to find peace is to find new ways of coping without this man.
Journal your thoughts instead of texting him
go for a long walk instead of ringing him
pick up a new hobby running/fitness anything that takes you out of your head.
You're right a prescription won't get him back and you also cannot continue to beg/force him back.
You must channel your fear of this breakup into healing the reason for the fear

Your ex can't fix this its not his responsibility to be in charge of your mental wellbeing even if you were still together.
He isn't the glue that holds you together

If you must sleep limit the time set an alarm and then get up and do something else.
You need to pull yourself through this pain you can do it but you have to start

[Mustang27]

Holy shit button what are you doing to yourself???? You poor thing.

There could be a local depression support group, maybe you would benefit more with talking therapies and cbt. Have you tried meditation rather as just seeking sleep. There is snow out there that can help you detach negative thoughts. You have to want to try it though, these things are not easy.

What is it you think your ex brings to your life that you could not possibly fill yourself?? You sound like a smart woman there are lots of ways to lead a fulfilled life without a relationship especially with someone who doesn’t want you.

You need rl support but it really doesn’t have to be people who know you. Could you afford counselling? There is some charity run stuff that could support you especially seen as the relationship breakdown has escalated this.