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AIBU to not want to pay towards SIL's wedding?

(265 Posts)
MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta Thu 26-Oct-17 16:27:18

DH has 4 siblings. They consider themselves to be super close, do loads of things together, and tell each other all the minutiae of their lives.

Growing up, the family were quite wealthy. FIL had a good job, and they basically got everything they wanted.

FIL's parents died around 15 years ago, and he inherited their house, which he sold for £100k. It was decided that this money would be split between the siblings, to give them as a deposit for a house, or towards a wedding, whichever they wanted.

SIL1 got married about 9 years ago. She was given her 20k as a house deposit, but then PIL also paid for her big, fancy wedding, which DH reckons was around another 20k.

Shortly after this, FIL had to leave work due to an injury. He was out of work for some time, before eventually finding a new job, which was just above minimum wage. During this time, he and MIL continued to spend as much as they always had done.

Next, BIL announced he was buying a flat. No money was forthcoming for the deposit; PIL gave him a voucher for about £100 and that was it.

Then DH and I got married; again, no money. Fine, we didn't expect anything, but I did think DH should have asked what was happening with the money.

Next, FIL started to ask to borrow money. Long story short, it turned out that he wouldn't tell MIL that money was tight, so she was still spending wildly, all savings were gone, and there was no money left.

Now SIL2 has announced she's getting married. She's younger than DH by about 10 years, and has always been very much the baby of the family. She has never had a job (she's waiting for "the right thing" to come along, apparently), and has a small amount of savings. Her wedding plans are fairly grand, but obviously she can't afford them.

SIL1 has sat the other siblings down and said that she thinks they should all chip in "a couple of grand" so she can have her dream wedding. She pointed out that PIL have worked hard and will be embarrassed if SIL has a small wedding; she also said "they've done so much for us over the years, we should pay something back". Bear in mind that this SIL is the one who got a flat deposit and a large wedding paid for; the rest of us haven't had that.

DH doesn't want to, but when she says things like "family have to stick together", "we're a close family; we help each other out if we can", "are any of us really going to enjoy the wedding if we know [SIL] wanted more?" etc, I can see him feeling guilty.

We are currently saving for a house deposit, so we do have a bank account with enough money in it, but I just think it would be absolutely ridiculous to hand it over.

If PILs had attempted to rein in their spending and save up once FIL lost his job, or if SIL2 had got herself a job, and if it was a smaller amount of money, I'd be happy enough. But I'm currently thinking no way. DH is wavering though, and SIL1 is really putting pressure on. BIL is pretty well off and would hand it over happily. Other SIL is thinking more like DH, but is also feeling the pressure.

Should I stick to my guns? Suggest we give a smaller amount (but then DH will feel stingy)? Tell SIL1 to stop asking about it (although this will cause a big row and DH will be upset)? Or stay out of it (but risk DH committing us to the full amount)?

MrsMotherHen Thu 26-Oct-17 16:30:44

would i hell as like pay for there wedding.

Its not about the day its about the marraige that lays ahead.

I dont know why people spend into the tens and thousands of pounds getting married. I really dont confused

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 26-Oct-17 16:33:57

What to stop her 'upping her game'? I mean, if you all chip in and give her, say £20k between you all, what is to stop SIL2 suddenly deciding that she can't possibly do without a unicorn-drawn carriage to the wedding venue and an eleven course taster banquet - oh, and she'll need another £10k from each of you to cover it, cos it's only fair?

PNGirl Thu 26-Oct-17 16:33:57

Nope. No way. SiL was the beneficiary of all that cash so let her chip in if she wants to. You are married so your money is both of yours.

AvoidingDM Thu 26-Oct-17 16:34:57

I think I'd be honest and blurt out that you are saving for a deposit for a house, have never had any handouts and can't afford to fund DSils wedding.

I think the day of parents funding daughter's weddings are over (If they ever existed in the first place).

SierraFerrara Thu 26-Oct-17 16:35:12

You could offer to pay up to x amount for the flowers or whatever instead of a wedding present though if you wanted to contribute.

Ellisandra Thu 26-Oct-17 16:36:22

I'm confused how PIL paid for SIL1's £20K wedding 6 years after they died? Typo?

I would tell my husband it was a no.

I think other siblings taking on a traditional parent role within their family is lovely - if the other 4 had all had weddings paid for. But they didn't. I'd tell SIL1 NO.

MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta Thu 26-Oct-17 16:36:28

I like that idea, @SierraFerrara. We could pay for the cake or something.

AppleTrayBake Thu 26-Oct-17 16:37:34

No way should you be handing over money for your deposit so that someone who doesn't have a job can have a posh wedding shock

SIL1 is having a laugh.

bigfatbumfreak Thu 26-Oct-17 16:37:40

No. End of.

MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta Thu 26-Oct-17 16:37:40

@Ellisandra FILs parents died 15 years ago, which was where the money came from (the sale of their house). PILs are still alive!

Love51 Thu 26-Oct-17 16:38:56

I'd go apeshit if my husband thought a party for his sister was more important than a secure roof over my head. (And I really love his sister's!) Honestly you are nowhere near angry enough about this! Does sil suggesting this know you have never benefited like she has?

SweetChickadee Thu 26-Oct-17 16:39:09

Not a fucking chance.

thecatsthecats Thu 26-Oct-17 16:39:11

Get together with your sane SIL and shut this down.

Of all the things to spend money you don't have on, weddings are the least important. DO NOT give a smaller amount, because really, any amount is unreasonable. Remember that the two people who think this are the ones who aren't putting their hands in their own pockets - SIL1 will have saved a lot from not paying for her own wedding or deposit!

shakeyourcaboose Thu 26-Oct-17 16:39:19

My thoughts would be like hell no jog on! However am sure someone will advise you of much more diplomatic way to say this. If you wanted to gift a good few grand to someone would your DH agree??

hellsbellsmelons Thu 26-Oct-17 16:39:36

Absolutely no way.
Nothing wrong with a nice low cost wedding.
One that THEY themselves can afford.
No reason why your DH can't put £200 behind the bar on the night or something, but a few grand!!! No way!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 26-Oct-17 16:40:27

Yep, I think you and DH agree an amount you can afford and offer that towards a 'thing' - like the cake, or cars. For example, I paid for the toast wine for my DB's wedding. That then becomes your wedding present.

But no, you don't set up a 'fund' - SIL1 is bonkers. Has it never occurred to her how well she's done out of the situation, compared to her siblings?

Viviennemary Thu 26-Oct-17 16:40:35

Tell them to whistle for it. No way would I had over £2K to your sil if she's never had a job. What a scrounger. If anyone should contribute its the sil who got a big part of the inheritance. Asking relatives to contribute to weddings is downright cheeky IMHO. If they offer then fine. If not save up yourself.

MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta Thu 26-Oct-17 16:42:02

I should clarify that the SIL who's getting married knows nothing about this, and hasn't asked for anything. This is all SIL1's idea.

ChuffMuffin Thu 26-Oct-17 16:42:28

Why should you have to contribute money you can't afford because your SIL1 wants your SIL2 to have a wedding neither she nor her PILs can afford?? I mean, contribute what you can afford, if you want to, but don't feel guilty for not doing so. It's one day. She won't catch fire for not having a £20K wedding.

Pancakeflipper Thu 26-Oct-17 16:45:03

Say you'll make the cake

MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta Thu 26-Oct-17 16:45:10

This is making me feel more sane! SIL1 is just one of those personalities - domineering and manipulative. Added to that is the "we're such a close family" line which makes DH feel like he's got to toe the line.

smartiecake Thu 26-Oct-17 16:45:30

No way at all would I be contributing a penny!! Other than a nice gift for a sibling.
Never. Never. Never.
And other SIL has a flippin cheek evenue suggesting it. I bet the others feel the same but no one wants to be the one who says no first. No way would I give my hosiery deposit over for someone else's wedding. What if they split up?
And I would not be offering to pay for the cake either - it could be the most expensive cake ever made. If she wants a lavish wedding she needs to fund it by getting a job herself.
Just stick to your guns. No way ever! The cheek!

AdiosPieceOfToast Thu 26-Oct-17 16:45:45

Suggest SIL1 takes it out of her house equity as she had the deposit and wedding paid for when the rest of you had nothing?

Anatidae Thu 26-Oct-17 16:45:50

Is SIL1 aware you didn’t have the same help?

“SIL1, just to make you aware, we’ve had no financial help for x and y. Of course we’d like to contribute to SIL2s wedding - at the same time, we dont have the money to be spending thousands. We were thinking about offering to buy the cake/whatever. I feel that’s more personal than spending thousands which we can’t afford.”

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