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I'm not sure I like him any more

(58 Posts)
UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 18:16:22

Married 12 years. Two children in primary school, juniors. We've always ticked along even though we have different ideas at times.

But very recently he's shown he holds me in utter contempt. Said very spiteful things. Unforgivable stuff that I can't get past (though tbf he hasn't apologised or asked for forgiveness hmm )

I don't even know what to do now. We're not really speaking except for brief exchanges about the children. I don't even know if he realises the whole thing is dead in the water now. I just feel sad and deflated.

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 18:18:01

(Old MNer with new account but we've a million devices all logged in that I can't sort out at the mo.)

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 19:17:07

Well that clearly wasn't catchy enough grin

Perhaps I should rephrase as AIBU TO THINK MY RELATIONSHIP IS FUCKED? <lighthearted>

So one of the DCs just got diagnosed with autism. It's taken two and a half years of assessments /appointments etc, had an IEP at school for a couple of years, multidisciplinary assessment etc. Clearly autistic.

DH disagrees. Says that the spectrum is a load of bollocks, it's just middle class bullshit, he doesn't want DC going to any SN accessible activities because they'll just learn how to take advantage of it and learn to be more manipulative. Ditto me going to any coffee mornings etc.

I offered to sort an appointment with the consultant paed or the senco - 'no way, of course they'd say that because it keeps them in a job ' at which point I said you sounded like a conspiracy theorist.

FYI he was aware of process, appointments etc.

Essentially, he is saying that I'm a liar and have munchausens by proxy, and I'm so good at it that I've convinced everyone. Plus autism doesn't really exist.

So now I feel very hurt, insulted, shocked, and like I don't actually know him at all.
I don't want him here. I don't want him near me. I don't want to be with him if that's what he thinks /believes.

mishfish Mon 23-Oct-17 19:22:15

Hey OP

I’d maybe present it in this way to myself:

My child has autism. My partner can not accept that my child has autism and is not willing to attend, or allow me to attend any event that ensures my child receives the support he deserves

He sounds like he doesn’t like you but is too chicken shit to end the relationship himself. He’s an arse

Coffeeisnecessary Mon 23-Oct-17 19:22:29

I'm so sorry to read this- don't really have any advice but it does sound like your marriage isn't saveable if that's what he truly believes. He sounds dreadful and extremely un supportive. Why is he ignoring all the expert advice?

mishfish Mon 23-Oct-17 19:23:19

Sorry change ‘can not’ to ‘will not’ ‘can not accept’ implies he’s struggling but there’s wriggle room.

He will not accept your child

WhentoD Mon 23-Oct-17 19:26:06

It sounds as though he doesn't want it to be true. If he keeps his hands over his ears and you stop saying anything about it, then it'll all go away...
Perhaps suggest couples councelling to work on communication? Is he usually emotionally supportive or is it an issue with facing up to his child needing some extra support?

FatherSanchez Mon 23-Oct-17 19:27:15

He sounds like a cunt. I’ve been through very similar with stbxh. It’s taken me just over 2 years to almost get free of him but lots of soul-searching in the years I spent desperately trying to make the marriage work and wondering what was wrong with me. Once my ex realised that I really was leaving and that the marriage was dead in the water, he went and got himself diagnosed with ADD. The irony!! Something very similar to the conduction our child had just been diagnosed with. Without any support from ex h.

Lurking on this page kept me sane. It’s only now that I feel strong enough to post and share.

My heart goes out to you.

(I didn’t divorce ex because he had ADD. I divorced him because he was a cunt. The two don’t go hand in hand).

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 19:27:43

He adores the child. (Both of them, obviously.)
Knows he's 'quirky' and different.

People in shops and cafes can see he's got ASD. His teacher can see it. Taxi drivers see it.

But DH can't /won't and spoke to me like absolute shit. Absolute shit.

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 19:31:52

If he said he was upset because he didn't want it to be true, that's fine.

If he said he disagreed with the diagnosis and wanted to speak to the doctor himself, fine. (he knew we had the diagnosis appointment but went away for a few nights and I attended alone, the letter was on the fridge for a fortnight stating it was for feedback on his assessment and no need to bring the child to the appt)

FatherSanchez Mon 23-Oct-17 19:32:03

I’m projecting a bit - so sorry OP. Your post just resonated; that’s all.

flowers

mishfish Mon 23-Oct-17 19:38:16

But it’s not the end of the world is it? You’ve just found out something about how your son ticks that’s all. He shouldn’t see it ss something to deny. It’s here, it’s here to stay And that’s that x

WhentoD Mon 23-Oct-17 19:38:50

My H was the same about our dd. I think he fear/upset came out as anger because that's he he expresses difficult feelings. I've list complete respect for him and we're getting divorced. Sorry not to be more poditive, but it has to come from him. What he's doing is kicking you while your down, so you've still got to do the hard stuff on your own and he just makes it harder.

TherealMrsBloom Mon 23-Oct-17 19:46:08

I feel for you, op; I don’t like my DH much either - I’ve just posted about the sorry state of my marriage. The contempt bit is a bad sign - from what I’ve read about marriages in difficulty (a lot recently), it’s very difficult to get past one partner showing contempt towards another. At least overt contempt. My DH is a lot more subtle - I wish he weren’t ‘cause at least I could challenge it. Sorry no advice but 💐

HotelEuphoria Mon 23-Oct-17 19:57:08

No words flowers

Friend had a child that she was convinced was autistic from almost birth. Her DH refused to accept it.

DS was autistic.

DH still in semi denial.

HotelEuphoria Mon 23-Oct-17 19:58:22

Sorry, I meant has not had, he is still autistic but now an adult.

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 19:59:27

@WhentoD nail on the head there.

I appreciate the responses and support even though they're rather depressing. I'm really disappointed with my own ability as a good judge of character. He's always been a 'nice guy' so it's really galling.

ravenmum Mon 23-Oct-17 20:06:51

Do you think that maybe he doesn't believe it because he doesn't believe in you, partly? That he just doesn't respect anything coming out of your mouth, and this is one such thing? I had this (though fortunately with smaller issues) with my ex when he'd met another woman. Everything I said was stupid. Didn't say that outright, but showed it in every look and tone.
Now the divorce is coming through he's actually a lot more respectful and pleasant.

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 20:18:01

No really ravenmum, but that's how it feels now iykwim.
I thought he respected me, that we respected each other.
Obviously I was wrong.
He also disagrees with me on feminism stuff (but tbh I can accept that we feel differently and as he's not a woman he doesn't really have any skin in the game)

mansviewpoint Mon 23-Oct-17 20:25:23

ARGGHHH. The anger is building inside me right now. What a comtemtable twat, he's so worried about his child that he's going to deny that there's a problem. That's really like saying "my child can't have asthma, it's just that they don't breathe normally. The doctors just want to give them pescriptions to justify themselves". Likelyhood is that he's soo unbelievably dumb that he probably thinks being in denial will cure his child's problem. (Not that being on an autistic scale is a problem, it's just a diagnosis that your child may require a bit of help). Divorce him, he's an arrogant dickhead.

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 20:40:20

Yes mansviewpoint. YES.

And I'm so shocked because he honestly isn't dumb. He isn't. But he doesn't understand why I found this so insulting.

I don't even know what happens now. We were looking at moving house. Obviously that's out of the window, now is not the time for a new joint mortgage. We both work unsocial hours, childcare is complicated. I don't think he can stay.

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 20:41:25

Christ it's like a bereavement isn't it. Relationship has died and now I'll need to grieve and deal with it.

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 20:52:19

He said I'd paid for him to be diagnosed for my own benefit.

He's been seen by the NHS throughout, but before I asked the gp to refer I took DS for a one off private OT assessment because he was having obvious sensory difficulties and poor coordination. The private OT advised me to seek an NHS referral, so I did (after discussing it with DH) We had no other involvement outside the NHS.

I showed him the Speech and Language Therapist assessment that school arranged, describing significant social communication difficulties, DH said that was a load of bollocks and that DS had obviously 'played her'.
He's seen 3 nhs consultants.
Had nhs physio and OT assessment.
School has had the local autism outreach team seeing him for 2yrs +, which they initiated.

EVERYONE IS WRONG hmm

And most wrong of all is me, clearly.

Hermonie2016 Mon 23-Oct-17 21:22:36

You may have a Mr Right i.e he cannot not be wrong.
When did it start? Has there been a change in power balance? It could be he has someone else is in his sights, someone who he believes agrees with his over inflated view of himself.

Contempt is absolutely the opposite of love and as a result I don't believe it is salvageable, sadly.It won't be because of what you have done or haven't done.

Your son's diagnosis is just a stick to beat you with, if it wasn't this it would be something else.

Try to stop defending yourself, you are being reasonable.Deal with him by firm boundaries.I doubt he will agree to disagree, it's has to be complete capitulation from you which in turn earns you more contempt and the downward cycle continues.

I'm sorry, it's an awful way to end a relationship but know its him and his inability to value anyone but himself.

What was his upbringing like?

UterusHaver Mon 23-Oct-17 21:35:35

He's the eldest, only son, wonderful son. One of his parents died recently.

I know he feels I'm too assertive. He used to like that I'm not a doormat but now he doesn't.

He works with a lot of women, many of whom think he's lovely. I don't any more.

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