I'm not sure I like him any more

[UterusHaver]

Married 12 years. Two children in primary school, juniors. We've always ticked along even though we have different ideas at times.

But very recently he's shown he holds me in utter contempt. Said very spiteful things. Unforgivable stuff that I can't get past (though tbf he hasn't apologised or asked for forgiveness )

I don't even know what to do now. We're not really speaking except for brief exchanges about the children. I don't even know if he realises the whole thing is dead in the water now. I just feel sad and deflated.

I feel for you ok. My son is undiagnosed currently but has his first assessment soon. Dp told me I was barking and when I first said I though he was autistic. He shouted at me and blamed my anxiety. He still says stupid things now like it was caused by the mmr or that 'everyone is autistic nowadays'. He hasn't done a jot of research and has no idea what we are potentially dealing with. Feel like I'm doing this on my own sometimes. Keep your chin up and do what is best for your child.

Sometimes someone reveals a part of their character that is just devastating. And in retrospect you can see there were probably more minor signs there, but that didn't seem like a big deal, till the bomb dropped. I've had this with a very good friend and it was awful. I can't imagine how painful it would be with a partner. I really feel for you.

That made me cry buttery.

I’m so sad to read this UH, it must be very upsetting. I would start repeating what your h says to the medical professionals and ask them to make note to it in their correspondence. Maybe if he seems his words repeated back in black and white it will be quite shocking

OP

I've already told the last two consultants that DH doesn't agree (so that they were aware and everything is transparent iykwim) and neither were surprised, just said it's really common for them to be in denial.

I thought we were on the same side. Turns out that I'm on my own.

I don't even know how to split up, we've been together 15 years ish.

And no, I can't see counselling being an option. Tbh at this point, even if he apologised and 'came round' to accepting that it's a fact, it's probably too late.

And this row was over a week ago, he hasn't apologised or referred to it at all.

So sorry to hear this op.
I know this sort of behaviour is totally bewildering. Mine raged at me that my dds issues were all in my head and i was the problem. An independent report concluded the medical mistake but it took a year and he was like your dh the whole time.
He's still never apologised. He had no capacity to put our child first. He wouldn't read any of the evidence I'd found. Like you say, it feels like utter contempt as explained by gottman.
www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

I don't know that I want to end it. I do know that I'm really hurt, and I can't imagine staying with someone who thinks so little of me.

My self-esteem is pretty good tbh. I know I'll cope either way. I'm too full of resentment and anger to make any major decisions right now.

Neither of us is perfect. I could live with the other stuff that drives me mad, if I thought he loved and respected me.

But I don't think he does.

My x is the same. Thinks i made it all up (that DC2 has an ASD, but brown cat brown kitten. My x has a spectrum disorder too i thnk)

I’m sorry your DS has autism. It’s really good that you have got the diagnosis and are seeking support for him.

Very sorry too that your H is treating you so badly. Is the conflict mainly due to his denial about DS’ autism and associated anger and verbal aggression towards you, or have there been other problems too?

Either way, given his behaviour it sounds as though you have many more reasons to separate from him than to remain in the relationship. It’d be sensible to get legal advice, study financial and housing matters, and get copies or photos of essential documentation (eg your H’s earnings, pensions) and making a solid plan before informing your H.

I can't even think about that yet. I've no idea how to divorce if we do.

Everything is in my name already, as I bought the house before we started going out. House is almost paid off.

I'd imagine him staying away for a few weeks would be where to start. And we'll need to talk. Which I feel too angry to do just yet esp in view of the lack of remorse.

I believe he's angry because he doesn't want DS to have ' a label '. Other problems, just the age old wifework/ manchild stuff really. He avoids responsibility. Is less of a new man than he thinks he is, has some quite sexist attitudes underneath. Mainly does the Disney dad stuff, never the drudgery.

Obviously you don’t WANT to separate, but unless he snaps out of his nastiness sharpish or you’re willing to put up with it that’ll be on the cards, sadly. Doing some research and initial planning doesn’t commit you to anything, just arms you with information.

If you’re married then the home is his too, and it’s good you have a small mortgage.

If you ask him to leave for a few weeks will he go? Will he come back when agreed to do his share of parenting?

We both do shift work, and he has somewhere suitable to stay not too far away. I know the house would be a joint asset technically, but he also owns a thing that precedes our marriage that would leave us fairly equal.

My line manager is aware and supportive, I can make my hours fit childcare.

I feel like he'd expect me to carry on doing all of the everything if he was staying away, eg dropping kids back with dirty washing and expecting me to continue doing all the adult stuff on his behalf. Which I wouldn't. Like tax and insurance his vehicle, his mobile is on my account, magic laundry fairy etcetera.

Well, whatever else you do next, just stop doing any laundry, domestics and admin for him! Inform the mobile and other companies of the changes and let him sort it out! Bloody hell.

It's all minor stuff really, when your partner isn't a twat.

However...

I had a text earlier, asking me to top up DCs PAYG phone. He's with the chid in question, and has a bank card.

It sounds like he can’t cope with it all, so easier to be aggressive and deny it. I’ve seen it happen in my family and with 2 friends. This isn’t an excuse, but a reason.

Try writing him a letter explaining how you feel. And ask him how he feels about it all. It may take a few attempts but is it worth fighting for?

I think a letter would make me feel better but make no odds to him.

ATM it would just say Fuck You you selfish prick, how dare you.

Possibly not helpful.

Current tentative plan (in my head) to give him copies of the Dr letters with contacts for the senco and paed and say speak to them if you want, come back to me if /when you can talk to me like a fellow adult. I bet he wouldn't tell them that asd is a bullshit diagnosis (what next, the earth is flat)

I'm not up for making nice. He's fucked this up.

I had a text earlier, asking me to top up DCs PAYG phone. He's with the chid in question, and has a bank card. hmm

Apart from anything else, this is taking the piss.

This is typical. I'm the sorter-outer of all the things.

Stepping out of your role as sole sorter outer would be a start, and would shift the dynamic a bit. Could be quite empowering.

I've just been rereading all of your replies, they've been really useful thank you .
And Googling local family law solicitors.
Doing some vicious housework, as you do.

I can't imagine speaking to someone like that and expect them to tolerate it and continue to offer full service wife-ing.

I'm not going to do any dramatic going on strike. Just quietly be busy doing what I want.

He's not around at the moment so I'm just thinking.