DH wants to leave...

[PeppaPigObsession]

And of course I can't stop him.

I'm new to MN but have lurked for years on here so do know all the shortenings. This might be quite long as there's a huge back story:

We've been together 5 years, married for 14 months and have a 2 year old DD together well she's 2 on Wednesday.

DD was unplanned (contraception failure) and things haven't always been easy but I thought DH and I had a good relationship. DD has a global developmental delay of between 9 and 12 months, she has no words, is partially deaf, has a squint in her eye, and is asthmatic. She was also born with a hip dysplasia in both hips and didn't learn to walk until she was 22 months old, she's still very unsteady on her feet and can't walk very far at all - the doctors aren't sure if this is due to her hip problem which won't resolve itself - she spent 12 weeks in a pavlik harness from 8 weeks old and has also had numerous physio appointments, or whether it's due to her general delay. It's been a very worrying time, and I spend a lot of time at appointments for her.

Despite this, she attends a private day nursery 2-3 days a week, she's making a lot of progress - beginning to use Makaton and Flash Cards to communicate, and has a few friends she enjoys playing with. The nursery also works with a local specialist through school which DD may attend if her GDD turns out to be something more serious than just a delay, and she sometimes approx once a month goes over to the school with a couple of other children from nursery to have specialist help. She's generally a happy little girl, loves Nursery and is often invited to birthday parties and for play dates at other houses.

DH also has health problems. A urethral stricture, which means he uses a catheter, this has lead to depression and anger issues. I will say he's never ever hurt either DD or I. He gets very angry sometimes, smashing up doors, plates, the occasional toy.

I've put up with this because he's supposed to be having an operation to fix the problem plus he has counselling through the Bladder and Bowel UK Charity, and is on antidepressants.

We have a pretty good life. I'm a SAHM, although I'd love to work I can't because DHs hours are variable, and his shifts start at random and different times all the time, so I need to be available, plus DD generally has falls and accidents at Nursery that require me to take her doctors/hospital at short notice for her to be checked out - Nursery is mostly funded through Emerging Needs Fund and my granddad which pays for 1 day each, and we pay the extra £30 a week for her to attend 3 days.

DH works between 20 and 30 hours a week. He can;t work more due to his condition, and he can't be left unsupervised with DD as he struggles to run around after an energetic toddler.

This morning DH has come to me and said he's not happy. he hasn't been happy for years and he's leaving me. He doesn't know how it's going to work yet because he doesn't want to have to spend 3-4 hours a week with his mother who he doesn't like much, but gets on fine with me/DD so that he can see DD. He's too young (only 23) to be able to get a flat so he'd have a houseshare, and he doesn't want to live with anyone - he won't go to PILs as he doesn't get on at all with his dad, and his mum and him argue when living together. He told me that the way he sees it there's not enough money for everything and DD should be my priority.

I feel so lost. I love him, and I love being a family with him and DD. I have my own problems - asthmatic and I struggle with hayfever at this time of year, plus I can't drive - but I do keep things under control, and I can't see how him leaving us would help the situation at all.

I can't stop crying, poor DD keeps bringing me tissues. We have a housing association adapted bungalow as DD is terrified of stairs and may need a wheelchair so the house is already adapted if needed. I'm also worried that DH is reacting to temporary problems, as he should get his operation soon.

I can't stop DH leaving, but I don't think it's the best thing for us as a family.

Please tell me it'll be ok. And if I have to I will manage DD on my own? I'm so scared about getting her to appointments and to Nursery when I don't drive, and DH/FIL help me with that.

Let him go, obviously, as everyone else has said. You and DD go nowhere.

You will be surprised how much easier your life is once he's gone.

This is such a difficult situation to be in. Terrible when you have strong feelings for someone but you need to take the needs of your DD before anything else. Frankly your H sounds like he really needs to grow up and take responsibility for his child. Even if he does not want the relationship to continue (he is clearly not mature enough to see what a great wife and mother you are) he needs to take a step back outside of his self-focused world and look at the bigger picture here.
I get that he has health problems and is working hard and this can put a lot of stress on anyone however:

1. This is your home if he wants to leave he needs to find his own place or go live with family even if it's difficult, that's his decision to make. Your home is for you and has been specially adapted for your DD she needs this now whilst she is developing and growing not upheaval!
2. You're H wants more freedom with his money...yet he can afford iphone7 and Sky! On minimum wage and part time hours and with a family to support!!!! One way he can have more money is by learning to only buy what he can actually afford. You don't NEED Sky and the latest phones... I can't even justify these things and we both work and have no children (one on the way though)...when baby arrives we definitely will not be able to justify such extravagant spending. Does he think if you move out all of a sudden he will have more money and be able to forget his responsibilities as a dad????
3. You are doing an amazing job in challenging circumstances. You should be proud of yourself and your DD has a brilliant Mom. If your H isn't happy then it might be best for you in the long run if he does just leave you already have enough on your plate without having to deal with a man-baby as well.

I always feel harsh being so judgemental when all I know is what you have written. I'm sure he is lovely with DD, but is that enough for you? Does he give you the support and happiness you really deserve...sounds like no from what you've said...

Peppa I am absolutely disgusted by the disdain your pathetic h is treating you and your precious daughter with! He needs to know right now, that the benefits you receive are for you and your dd! Not your asshole h!!!
The housing benefit is paid for you and your dd! The DLA is paid for you and your dd! The carers allowance is paid for you! As is the child benefit and tax credits!!!! The home you live in has been provided to meet the needs of your precious daughter!

Tomorrow you need to set up a bank account in only your name! Then you contact the DWP and ask for all of your benefits to be paid into an account in only your name! You transfer from your current account all of the money that has been paid into joint account as your benefits and your dd's benefits into your own account! Then you pack a bag and show your scumbag h the door! The only money he is entitled to is his wages and any benefits in his name! Make sure that you tell the tax credit people that he has left so they can assess whether you are entitled to more! Also make a claim for Income Support/ find out if you are entitled to more now he is leaving! Then look up claiming maintenance!

This arsehole not only wants to make his wife and disabled daughter homeless (when your house has been modified to meet your daughters needs), he has the bloody cheek to demand to continue receiving your housing benefit!!!! Because he doesn't like living with Mummy and Daddy! Boo bloody hoo! What an absolute tantruming waste of space asshole he is! Open the door and give him a kick in the arse as he leaves!!! Time to get angry!!! Really ANGRY!!! How dare he treat you and your precious baby like that!!!! You have more than enough on your plate without this man child throwing tantrums! You are already coping on your own as he is a complete waste of space!!! Make sure to tell everyone what he was demanding and that he wanted to make you and your baby HOMELESS!!! So he could keep staying in your home which is paid by your housing benefit!!!

Apologies for shouting, I have never been so angry by a post in my life!!! Good luck op, you will be a million times better off away from this man child!

He has told you everything you need to know by asking you to remove yourself and your DAD from a home that is specially adapted for her needs.
Do not waste any more of your time loving a person like that. You and DD deserve so much more.

*DD not your dad!

It sounds as if you and your DD need to stay in your home. Do not move out. He will find his own way and be alright. He is not your responsibility. Your DD is your responsibility.

In terms of practicalities, pull in as much support as you can to get you through the next bit. It will be tough but you will be able to do it. What practical concerns do you have? Financial/health-related/related to your DD? Can MN help?

Do you feel frightened when your DH is angry? I feel frightened when other people are violent towards property. It may not be like this for you - although it might be for your DD, it is worth thinking about this if your DH is angry when you explain that you are not going to move out.

you need legal advice, today! and I agree, you will be better off without him.

Don't you dare leave your home. They wouldn't let him keep it anyway if it's adapted.

Selfish fucker.

What an awful situation to be in, OP - have to say I echo PPs advice, do not under any circumstances leave your home. He's the unhappy one, he's the one to leave. I can't believe he'd put his daughter on the street so essentially, he can have the house to himself and more money. VILE.

Do not leave your home. I cannot believe he is even suggesting it! You need to look after DD & her main carer (yourself) first. What your h does is his concern.

I wouldn't move out. Stay put.
He's the one that's unhappy with his life so he needs to make the changes not you.
Your bungalow is adapted for your daughter who is number one priority so therefore you stay put.

If he's throwing his toys out of the Oran because and fair enough he's having a hard time. His issues probably make it hard for him to deal with sometimes,bug they are HIS issues not yours. Remember that.

He sounds frustrated to me.
By the sounds of it you are doing an amazing job with your dd. I have a niece with a brain and physical condition and I see it takes its toll on my ds and bil sometimes. She goes to respite which helps them immensely.
He's being very selfish to lump that on you and expect you to change your life to make him happy. He's got it the wrong way round.

Take a deep breath and calmly tell him you and dd are going nowhere. If he is unhappy it's up to him to move out and change his life and that if he chooses to do that there's no backwards and forwards as far as your concerned so he's either all in or out.
Be strong.

I know I'm a hard nosed old cow but I always want to do something to wake women like you up, Peppa. You are lovely. You are a young woman with decades ahead of you. You are a fantastic mum. But what the hell is loveable about your pathetic, whining, selfish, childish, violent 'D'H? I wish I could make you take your rose tinted specs off.

Pack the wanker's bag for him and send him back to his mummy because he's not a grown up yet.

What they all said.

Don't leave your home.

Go to your GP on Monday and get decent hay fever meds.

Make sure you are getting all the help you can with your DD

Learn to drive with the money you are not spending on cigarettes.

He doesn't understand what would happen financially if you did move out. He's being a selfish immature twat. He wants the set up without you or the bairn... you NEED the set up for your bairns comfort and needs. Even if you were willing it wouldn't work like that.

Take control, kick the cunt out until he grows up a bit. Him being frustrated with being a grown up is not your problem.

Peppa if your husband works why would he get HB? Tell him to go rent a flat or house share. It's not your fault he is leaving you. Its his and he now needs to stand on his own two feet. My ex left me with a house on my own at the age of 21. We bought it together although most of the money from me. He demanded half I told him to piss off and he settled for 5k which is more than he put in. I didn't care where he went. I cared how I was going to cope an you do. I had to get lodgers in to help pay my mortgage as I had no money after bills not even for food. Your dh is selfish and needs to grow up and stand on his own two feet and accept responsibility! You tow deserve so much better. X

If you move out of the house, he will get kicked out anyway by the council, as your house is adapted for DD. So you and DD will have lost your home for nothing.

And then what will you do when you are living with your GP and DD need another adapted house ? Tell the council housing / social worker that you had one before but your ex wanted it so you left ?

Don't even THINK about leaving.

The fact that he is putting his own comfort above that of his sick child, is unforgivable. Don't dare move anywhere. Get advice and strength in RL. Everyone you talk to about this will be appalled which might help give you the strength to say no and stand up to him.

I just want to say how incredibly mature and sensible you are for your age.

You have a DD with challenging special needs, yet you come across as exceedingly calm and grounded.

Unfortunately, your husband is pretty much the opposite of that.

You and DD should stay in the home. It's unfair to go to your Grandparents and have DD living in limited space, away from her home.

Your husband can find somewhere else to live.

I find his attitude selfish, but it could be born out of immaturity.

Hi guys,
Sorry I didn't reply. He packed a bag and I didn't stop him from going when he got back from work. No idea where he went as I got a text from my MIL this morning saying she can't support her son leaving his wife for selfish reasons, so I might have help from PILs at least it seems.

I have a couple of good friends who're happy to help out with childcare/nursery runs etc if needed, and DDs nursery are brilliant and have said they can make arrangements with me if I have to stop paying the £30 a week I pay myself while I find a job and if I can't we can come to an agreement to pay it in arrears if needs be.

Sandy I don't feel mature, I feel scared and out of my depth. But it's my DDs 2nd birthday tomorrow and I'm not going to let him ruin it for her, I've been planning this day for 3 months (due to DDs needs I've had to check that the place we're going is suitable and has pushchair/wheelchair access plus has flat parts in case she decides she does want a little walk - I've rearranged all appointments for the next few days as I just want to not be rushing around and to enjoy her and let her be as "normal" a toddler as she can be).

I've already looked into the blue badge and we should get one once DD turns 3 whether I drive or not because by then she'll have grown out of most pushchairs and need a wheelchair.

Good luck brave lady - lovely to hear that you have some support which will help through the tough days ahead. You say you're not strong but the decision to tackle one step at a time is what strong people do. You have control of your life and your man-child will see what he's lost very quickly. You only need to do what suits you and a your DD

You might not feel mature, but you sound amazing. Pity your husband doesn't know a good thing when he sees it. I really feel for you, going through all this. But I can see that in the long run, you and your DD are definitely better off

OP, delurking to say what an amazing mother you are. Your DD is so lucky to have you in her corner. I wish her a happy birthday for tomorrow!

...I'm not sorry to hear he's gone, though, I'm afraid. I was worried that as soon as he realised you weren't going to go through with his ridiculous, selfish plan, he would realise he's onto a good thing where he is and retract the separation.

I hope this time apart clarifies a few things for both of you. But especially for you. :)

Well done. I'm glad to hear that you are making such good decisions for your DD. Hope tomorrow goes well.

BTW you DD doesn't need to use a wheel chair just because she's too big for a regular buggy. You can get a major buggy that does up to age 8. They are much easier than wheelchairs and look just like a normal buggy except they are bigger and higher.

I'm also glad he's gone, you sound like you're doing an amazing job and it's just time to look forward now.

Have a look at your finances asap and get your single persons discount on council tax, try and get out of sky and update tax credits of the change. I think you can get child benefit more frequently although the same amount if you are single.

You can also get vouchers for fruit and milk I think it's best to speak to citizens advice and your health visitor to see what all your entitlements will be, our local council does discounted rates for swimming and creche when you're on benefits.

I also think motability used to come with a few free driving lessons could be worth checking that out!

All the best

You sound like the sort of lady who will make this work. Determined, proactive, loving and considerate.
He sounds like the sort of man that will always need full attention and his own way.
Your DD sounds like she takes after her mother!
It's going to be tough for you. But you'll have a much better and happier life without him.