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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I contact OW

159 replies

Notgoodatall · 09/03/2017 22:26

It's been 3 yrs since my partner had an emotional affair. She ruined my first pregnancy, or rather they both did. Since the fall out my partner and I have worked things out but I still check her Instagram. She is now pregnant and married. I feel like messaging her and saying I hope no one ruins your first pregnancy like you did to me. Her inspirational quotes about being a mum with a baby growing inside make me feel sick

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hollinhurst84 · 09/03/2017 22:28

No. Your issue is with your partner, not her

AddToBasket · 09/03/2017 22:28

You know that's not the right thing to do, don't you?

Let sleeping dogs lie. She might message your partner or cause any amount of trouble for you. She might tell you some home truths. She might get so upset and stressed that something bad happens to her or the baby - do you want that?

AddToBasket · 09/03/2017 22:29

You would be better off blocking her instagram and leaving her behind you.

wtffgs · 09/03/2017 22:29

She didn't ruin your pregnancy. He did. If you are still preoccupied by this I think your problems are a lot closer to home (and WTF are you following her on social media for anyway?!)

coolaschmoola · 09/03/2017 22:29

I think you need to place the blame firmly with the person who made a commitment to you, rather than spying on a woman who made you no promises and owed you nothing.

You say that you and your partner have worked through it - but the fact that you are considering this shows that you haven't.

Leave her alone and focus your feelings on the person who actually owed you honesty.

JK1773 · 09/03/2017 22:31

Block her, don't look. It's not healthy for you. If you're moving on with your OH you are just torturing yourself. Concentrate on the future

Costacoffeeplease · 09/03/2017 22:31

As pp have said, he's your problem, why are you even looking at her Instagram?

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 09/03/2017 22:33

I understand how you feel. She was to blame as much as your DP.

I'd want to ruin her pregnancy too.

MorrisZapp · 09/03/2017 22:37

She didn't ruin anything, your partner did that.

OliviaStabler · 09/03/2017 22:37

Your anger is misplaced. It should be directed at him, not her. By focusing on her you are taking the easy road and not holding him to account for his actions.

SandyY2K · 09/03/2017 22:38

I don't think it would serve any purpose, but it might prick her conscience about her part in the affair.

You really would be best blocking her and not giving her any headspace, because she isn't worth it.

Often when a BS continues social media stalking, it's because your partner isn't doing enough to show remorse for their actions. If they were, then your focus would be on your own relationship.

Reflect on what your DP has done to show you he loves you. To show you he is sorry for ruining your pregnancy with his child. To show you he's worth the second chance and won't do it again.

That's where your energy should be, though it never harms to show an OW her actions are long lasting to others. I just wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction that you're still thinking about it.

It's entirely up to you

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 09/03/2017 22:39

She was forced to fuck the OPs DP was she?

Poor OW.

nigelforgotthepassword · 09/03/2017 22:40

I totally get why you feel the way you do. Rational or not I actually think it's totally understandable to feel bitter and angry at this woman. I dare say you also feel like that towards your partner at times and that none of it is easy-it's too simple an answer to say 'it's a problem with your partner not the other woman'-the reality is that the cheated on person is only human and as such will feel a lot of things including hating the person that has been involved in fucking them over-rightly or wrongly.
I know it's hard but you need to block her from your social media and stop knowing what's going on with her life.You don't need to know, it has no bearing on you anymore and most crucially it's not going to help you in any way.If you weren't following her, you wouldn't know she was pregnant-you wouldn't feel irritated by what you perceive as her faux smugness, and you would be more able, or more quickly able, to stop thinking about her, and move on with your dp. I know it feels like giving up that knowledge will put you somehow at a disadvantage-but it won't.Knowing what she is up to isn't helping you-not knowing and in time not giving a fuck, will.

MorrisZapp · 09/03/2017 22:42

The op said it was an emotional affair. She doesn't mention fucking.

Figgygal · 09/03/2017 22:43

Er no definitely don't you will look bitter and unhinged and it's your oh you should have issues with.

It's been 3 years let it go

AddToBasket · 09/03/2017 22:45

It was an emotional affair - no one fucked . And yes, blaming the OW is definitely taking the easy route.

What do you want OP? Cos it's like they say, if you want revenge remember to dig two graves...

You can be sure she isn't thinking about you. Whatever you say to her, she'll know you are obsessing over her. Is that what you want? You are giving her a lot of power and making yourself very vulnerable to whatever she says or does in response. If she does respond which she probably won't which will make her look stronger

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 09/03/2017 22:53

Yes OP you will look bitter but so what . Everyone on here thinks that the OW should not share any blame,in reality they would feel very different.

Kittencatkins123 · 09/03/2017 23:01

Have you had a look at the Hell Hath No Fury thread OP?

I don't agree with the OW is blameless bollocks, they are horrible selfish people just like the guy is. It is possible to acceptably blame the two people who selfishly fucked each other behind their partners backs for the affair!

But agree you need to block/delete/step away from the Instagram. Focus on your life and your lovely child. What could you do/change/focus on/do more of to feel happier?

Mo55chop5 · 09/03/2017 23:03

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MadMags · 09/03/2017 23:06

She was not blameless, of course.

But I have to wonder how you can forgive the person who was actually committed to you, but you can't forgive a complete stranger who had no loyalty to you at all!

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 09/03/2017 23:07

You don't sound mental.OP .You round normal to me

ItsReginaPhalange · 09/03/2017 23:07

I don't think the OW is blameless. Op is hardly "mental" she has been deeply hurt. I would also have the urge to look her up and I think that is completely natural even if some wouldn't admit to doing it themselves. I know you think it would make you feel better but the best thing would be to block her. Doing this isn't going to help you move forward. Maybe talk to your partner and work through the things that maybe are unresolved

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Mo55chop5 · 09/03/2017 23:16

Ok... so even though you and your other half have worked his affair out and have moved on you're still stalking the OW Instagram? And because you're not witnessing her life turning into a shit show you want to stir it up for the hell of it?

Nutter behaviour

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2017 23:21

I don't understand why you're checking her imstagram. You must know it'll hurt to see her happy and you keep doing it. Why do you think that is?

PushingThru · 09/03/2017 23:22

If you contact this woman, she'll think you're quite mad. And what constitutes an 'emotional affair' anyway? It seems to be a bit of an elastic concept to me.

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