Any feedback welcome - Is it time to bite the bullet and go

[user1488224831]

I have been reading and reading trying to get my research to match up with my optimism/denial.

My partner and I have been together for little over a year. It is the usual, he initially presented as amazing, academic, intellectual and an all round really good man.

My personal situation - living and work arrangements weren't great and my feelings for him along with a little bit of his encouragement were enough to get me to make a giant leap of faith and move area and resettle with him.

We stayed at his parents for a while and then moved, we had a few arguments and I put it down to the cabin fever effect of living with his mother.

Needless to say things have dramatically spiralled. He began getting spiteful when I spent any time away from him. Hes response to my family contacting me was they were too needy... after several months of living with him i was realistic he wasn't the one.

This was compacted by a rather serious incident where he bit me so hard he has left a semi permanent scar on my leg through denim and leather boot. I found out he was using hard drugs and was just generally and looser and abuser.

My dad who ended up clipping him in the mouth after he locked me in at work and rubbed my face in the carpet which left me with carpet burns and black eyes, said it had been a ploy by his family to off load him on to me as they were fed up of him.

Moving forward, he was forceably removed and ejected, I got support from womens aid, had a lovely shared home which i could afford.
What happened next?... found out i was pregnant!

I am now seven months along and he has put his hands on me a few times, bit me in the face, walked out on me Christmas, been using cocaine and then denying it to my face.
I permanently feel like i am having rings run around me, I have offered to leave I have threatened to run away. I fear I am starting to look like I am perpetuating this, but I just wanted to give him the chance and reason to sort him self out.

I thought the support I try and give him and the motivation of having a child would kick him in the back side and give him some purpose. All i feel now is there is a waiting game for babies arrival for him to up the anti and really trap and control me.

I telephoned womens aid tonight whilst he was at work, I want my child to be safe and I have nightmares of him phyisically fighting me for the child if an arugment got out of hand.

From what I have read there isn't much scope for people like ths to sort their lives out. But if any of you have any stories of their OH turning it around please do share.

I thought as I got bigger he would start to realise the gravity of what is going on, he has a job, he goes to school and he has got me out of shared accommodation ready for the baby. but I still feel like its all lipservice and behind my back i am the running joke of a mug - the mrs. indoors who doesn't realise how much of the micky he takes.

I hope I'm mistaking tyranny for immaturity.. and when he holds his baby it wakes something up in his head.

Womens aid have given me numbers for a refuge and if i go i will have to go properly because of my fear of retribution, he gets so angry.

Well done OP, you have done the right thing for you and that precious baby in your arms. Dont ever look back, keep moving forward, and keep talking to support agencies as your recovery from this trauma will be a long road, but there is lots of RL support out there (and lots of moral support on here too)

Thank you
Its just really scary. In so frightened that I will not do a good job with my baby. I know part of the cycle of violence is him being nice.. And Ive been conditioned to think of that. Im trying so hard to hold it together. Rereading the thread has made me so emotional

You have already shown what a brilliant Mum you are by protecting your baby and getting the hell away from the very dangerous situation that you were in. Please don't ever even think of going back - he lost the right to be in his baby's life when he bit and attacked you whilst carrying his unborn child.

Oh op you have done the best thing for yourself and your baby. 💐 keep going and never look back at this vile man. One day i promise, you will look back and it will bring you immense joy relief and happiness, i hope you never have to go through any of this horrifying ordeal again.

Having a baby and the responsibility that comes with it is a massive change on its own.

Add to your situation the actual survival of you both away from the fuckwit violent father, and what you'll have is quite a traumatic experience that will sometimes catch you wondering at 4am.

You have made the move so that you and your baby will be safe. Keep looking forward, this will work. You are strong enough to do this. Rely on and trust your instincts to protect your baby for now...and you'll find a strength you never knew you had!

Never ever trust that man to be near you or your baby. He will not have changed.

Wow, this is an absolutely terrifying read.

There is no way he is going to "wake up" when he holds the baby and magically become a decent person. A baby is not a bandaid for a bad relationship, it's more like a crowbar.

He's a drug-user, a liar and an abuser. He's bitten you more than once... he's a fucking dangerous savage with no self-control.

This may not be a wholly popular suggestion, but he frankly sounds unhinged to me. I would be gathering my things quickly the next time he leaves the house, going straight to the Women's Refuge, and blocking all forms of contact permanently. I'd start a new life somewhere far away from him and know that that was the best thing I could possibly do for my baby.

Whoops, missed the update.

OP, you did the right thing, absolutely, 100 percent. You have just got to hang in there. There is no nice when it comes to men like this, it's just a veiled form of control. Stay the hell away from him.

I'm so glad to see you and your baby are away from him. Life can only get better now.
Sure, you'll have struggles and hurdles to overcome but at least you no longer have to worry if today is the day he'll go too far and kill you.

Do you still see him? Does he know where you live?

Hi user - I'm sure you've been through hell to get away from him. Did you let professional know Ie midwives and health visitors as they can hopefully direct you for some support. Have you got any real life support. Have you been able to move right away to a new town?
If you can't afford the house you need to seek support from housing. Can you not go to a refuge - you are re housed from there. He will not change - you have done the right thing. Are you in touch with the police or have the local police been told of your situation. Sorry for all the questions - you don't need to answer.
It is tough with a new baby - you need support - speak to your health visitor/gp. Look after yourself and keep posting if it helps. 🌺🌺

To clarify my situation is this.

I am still in the family home. His father turned up midway through a beating and went spare.. But decided to call it fighting. I am now in the home with baby. Im tied to the area for uni and I have my father and extended family support.

His father came round yesterday to pick up most of his things .. Called me a child in passing and told me his son requires supervised visits because of his state of mind and to protect him from accusations from me if something happens!!!

I have injunctions lined up but am holding fire as I am not ready to have any contact with any of them. I can't verify the risk so im not taking the chance. I can afford to see out the tenancy here but it ends Xmas .. So I need to get a plan in place and try to get as independent as possible.

Hes threatened to take the child but I don't think it will hold up. The have more money than sense and they hopefully wouldn't take the baby because they would end up responsible not him.hes unstable.

He was aggressive to the health visitor when she came round and intimidated me in the doctors surgery .

I feel safe enough to stay put for now but psychologically he is done out gone for good. My university has been notified, I have started proceedings through he national domestic violence help line who have allocated me a solicitor.. I just don't want to even go there .. They need to sort him out before coming round here wanting to see the baby.

And as for a little empowerment for women in my situation who might be reading this for inspiration... In the moment you think you want to leave but you can't ... Gets harder and harder.. So when your in the moment and you feel it harness it and do it.. Because its a grip that slowly gets tighter and tighter.. I am in no way in the clear.. He could set the house on fire tonight or run me over tomorrow but as it stands the hours pass and the dread and doubt and fear you have been indoctrinated with slowly lifts and the cognitive dissonance you feel about your decision subsides. That doesn't account for the practicalities or your own personal grief for the relationship. But it feels better than the insecurity they create to keep you behaving how they want. This is going to get worse... Im not 100% safe yet.. Poo will be flung but im out of it now and my son will never be in danger again .. The few months since having him gave me strength focus and clarity .. I CAN DO THIS ... SO CAN YOU XX

Bumpp

Please leave before he kills you and/or your baby. People don't suddenly stop being abusive.

Whoops, shoulda read the 2nd page. Get the injunctions, don't let him come near you.

Ive phoned the police he has bee threatening me and i know that trying to keep the peace with him isnt going to work. I really hope this doesn't backfire

What's happening right now OP?

I spoke to 101. I wanted to flag the address. But they have asked about previous incidence and whether any agencies know about it. I tried to be helpful and it was cathartic getting it off my chest and feeling like the police understand .. But now im terrified that they are going to arrest him and hell come back even more angry. I really dont want to actively get him into trouble .. I just want to protect me and the baby. They are due to visit soon .. Im still waiting but I dont suppose me sitting here frightened of someone is a massive blue light concern .

Has anyone had experience with how the police decide to make an arrest without you wishing to press charges. I just want them to be aware there is a problem incase he does loose it again.

To be frank OP, if you don’t leave him properly on this occasion and follow up with injunctions etc, your baby is going to end up being removed from you by social services. Make your choices wisely.

Dont scaremonger. . I have come through lot.. I am away from him.. I dont intend on going back. And I feel a little bit put out by your response. I am doing my absolute best. I wont have my baby taken away because im doing everything I can. I dont want to cause more problems by pressing charges but that isnt up to me or the police it is CPS. . I am happy to prove my worth to ss but why when he is the abuser he is now gone and im not someone who is going to put myself through this just to go back to him because "he makes me feel like im in the films" ... Only if its Kathy Burke in Nil by mouth!

You should press charges. You really should. This is the best way to protect your baby, who is completely reliant on you to keep him/her safe.

And I’m not scaremongering, OP. I’m being candid because this is the gravity of the situation. You need to know this, and make the best decisions for your baby.