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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any feedback welcome - Is it time to bite the bullet and go

72 replies

user1488224831 · 27/02/2017 20:05

I have been reading and reading trying to get my research to match up with my optimism/denial.

My partner and I have been together for little over a year. It is the usual, he initially presented as amazing, academic, intellectual and an all round really good man.

My personal situation - living and work arrangements weren't great and my feelings for him along with a little bit of his encouragement were enough to get me to make a giant leap of faith and move area and resettle with him.

We stayed at his parents for a while and then moved, we had a few arguments and I put it down to the cabin fever effect of living with his mother.

Needless to say things have dramatically spiralled. He began getting spiteful when I spent any time away from him. Hes response to my family contacting me was they were too needy... after several months of living with him i was realistic he wasn't the one.

This was compacted by a rather serious incident where he bit me so hard he has left a semi permanent scar on my leg through denim and leather boot. I found out he was using hard drugs and was just generally and looser and abuser.

My dad who ended up clipping him in the mouth after he locked me in at work and rubbed my face in the carpet which left me with carpet burns and black eyes, said it had been a ploy by his family to off load him on to me as they were fed up of him.

Moving forward, he was forceably removed and ejected, I got support from womens aid, had a lovely shared home which i could afford.
What happened next?... found out i was pregnant!

I am now seven months along and he has put his hands on me a few times, bit me in the face, walked out on me Christmas, been using cocaine and then denying it to my face.
I permanently feel like i am having rings run around me, I have offered to leave I have threatened to run away. I fear I am starting to look like I am perpetuating this, but I just wanted to give him the chance and reason to sort him self out.

I thought the support I try and give him and the motivation of having a child would kick him in the back side and give him some purpose. All i feel now is there is a waiting game for babies arrival for him to up the anti and really trap and control me.

I telephoned womens aid tonight whilst he was at work, I want my child to be safe and I have nightmares of him phyisically fighting me for the child if an arugment got out of hand.

From what I have read there isn't much scope for people like ths to sort their lives out. But if any of you have any stories of their OH turning it around please do share.

I thought as I got bigger he would start to realise the gravity of what is going on, he has a job, he goes to school and he has got me out of shared accommodation ready for the baby. but I still feel like its all lipservice and behind my back i am the running joke of a mug - the mrs. indoors who doesn't realise how much of the micky he takes.

I hope I'm mistaking tyranny for immaturity.. and when he holds his baby it wakes something up in his head.

Womens aid have given me numbers for a refuge and if i go i will have to go properly because of my fear of retribution, he gets so angry.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/02/2017 22:31

If I was you I would tell him you have had the baby adopted. . No dad on a birth certificate is better than an abusive one.

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 22:40

OP doesn't have to tell him anything, it might be better to just cut all contact.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/02/2017 22:41

Get out as soon as you can. Re-read what you've written - you are trying, even now, to make it sound not too bad. You say "a rather serious incident" - that wasn't rather serious. He bit you. Enough to scar. And you're minimizing again here - "he has put his hands on me a few times" - a few times is all those times too many. A man who cared even a little bit wouldn't be doing any of these things.

Run. Don't look back. Block him and get away. Sounds as if you have family support. Good.

sammidanis · 27/02/2017 22:46

If you want to stay with someone that hits you, that's your choice; but it's not your babies. You should be putting the survival of your child before anything else. No one said it was easy, nothing ever is but my god, a year from now you will know you've made the right choice. Time to pull your socks up & woman up.

Obsidian77 · 27/02/2017 22:49

Get out, stay out, keep your baby away from him. Can your family support you? Sorry you are going through this, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

Original poster
user1488224831 · 27/02/2017 23:02

I do completely understand the directness of the advice I'm being given... I just want to make one thing clear, despite not understanding the birth cert deal (Coz I was brought up abroad and having children even friends having children was an alien concept for a long time)..
I don't minimalise because of denial I just don't want to sound like I'm playing a huge victim.. I did want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I know I can't. I'm grateful for the sound board available here

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 28/02/2017 09:47

How awful this monster sounds. Please get far away from him as soon as possible and do not look back. Do not let him have anything to do with the baby, ever. Good luck stay strong.

countrygirl55 · 28/02/2017 09:53

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. Please get the hell away from this man as soon as possible, for your sake and your child's. Can you go and stay with family or friends? There can be no benefit of the doubt for someone who has been violent, whether they are a drug user or not is irrelevant. Your duty of care is to yourself and baby. Whatever he decides to do is not your responsibility. Take care.

GothyGeisha · 28/02/2017 09:56

Having a baby on your own isn't the scariest thing a woman could go through.

Living with domestic abuse is. Alongside the physical danger, your emotional wellbeing will be destroyed too. This will affect your child too.

I have been through this too.

Being free of this man will turn your life around.

It sounds like you have the support of your father, can you have a good talk to him. I am sure he would want his child, and grandchild safe and happy.

You CAN leave, you WILL be safe, and happier. You have a brilliant life ahead of you with your new baby, but not with that monster.

thethoughtfox · 28/02/2017 12:43

This is one of the most disturbing abuse stories I have ever heard. The biting in particular is another level of visceral, feral violence above even the most horrific domestic abuse stories. Having a baby with with violent controlling men is sadly one of the warning signs for him becoming more violent, not less. Get out now while you still can. Please take care of yourself.

namechange20050 · 28/02/2017 12:50

It is not your responsibility to fix this man. Leave now & don't put him on the birth certificate.

tipsytrifle · 28/02/2017 13:01

There really is no choice but to leave. Now. You gave him a chance when you, I gather, returned to him but that chance will be the end of you - literally - if you hold on to an impossibly dangerous life within his reach. thethoughtfox had it right when describing him as visceral and feral. Imagine if he bit your child as hard as he has bitten you?

What are your living circumstances right now, today, OP? Think about saving your and baby's life today rather than whatever else churns round in your mind about the future. Listen to that mother's instinct that is trying to save both of you. You are in danger, OP.

Bunniesncats · 28/02/2017 13:18

You are not playing victim - you are a victim. Please make plans to leave this man. I was with my abusive husband whilst pregnant he would promise me he would change but when the baby came along it got worse. It really did. Men like this never change. His family blamed me he blamed me.and in the end I blamed me for his violence then he went on and did it again in his next relationship and the one after.
Look after your and your baby you will have a whole lot more happiness in your life once you are away from this man. Flowers good luck

Teabay · 28/02/2017 14:26

Close your eyes OP and imagine a scar on a new baby. Then imagine explaining to your child throughout their life how they got it. Then imagine your child explaining to their friends and teachers how they got it, and your child saying, "but mummy let him be near me even though she knew he bit people and scarred them".

Would you allow your child near a dog who had bitten you before?

Please do not put him on the birth certificate - when he is a reformed character you can add him then.

I hope you get to move back to your family.

whirlygirly · 28/02/2017 18:44

I've been thinking about you a lot today, op. I've been on here a very long time but never seen anything that's shocked me as much as the idea of your dp attacking you this way.

It sounds as though he needs urgent mental health treatment. He isn't safe to others, let alone a baby. No sane, rational man would dream of biting a partner.

If we're your sounding board, please believe us that this is bad. Get away with your baby. Flowers

MusicIsMedicine · 28/02/2017 19:13

Please leave before he kills you or the child. Imagine him with a crying baby and a few nights of no sleep. Run away! And do not put him on the birth certificate, it doesn't say father unknown.

ImperialBlether · 28/02/2017 19:19

Which country are you in, OP? Is it your or his home country?

22WR · 28/02/2017 21:08

Hi,

I had a similar situation when I was pregnant with my daughter 11 years ago. I stayed with my partner, hoping he'd change, willing him to sort himself out. The reality was that he didn't want or feel he needed to change. I became more isolated by staying with him and became financially dependent on him as he controlled the finances. I waited and waited until I knew I had enough money to ask him to leave. It took me until my daughter was 4,having seen her father drunk, verbally and physically abusive, and generally not a very nice person to be around, before I found the strength to kick him out. It was the best decision I ever made.

Don't waste any more of your life with this man. Get out before you become any more vulnerable. Don't put your child through witnessing their father behave this way.

The thought of leaving is so much worse than the reality. Your life doesn't have to be defined by your relationship with this man.

jeaux90 · 01/03/2017 08:20

They never ever change.

I was in a similar situation but made the mistake of staying with him when I had my dd

I ended up locked in a bathroom on several occasions with a new born. I was scared out of my mind. Don't let this be you.

I left when she was 1. Being a single parent is way way way way way better than being in an abusive relationship. My dd is 7 now, I have a great career and still a single parent but I can tell you that I do absolutely love my life.

You know what you need to do. Be strong and do it.

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2017 08:28

You have hope that somehow he will wake up see his child and stop taking drugs and that drugs are the root cause of all of this. That his child will give him a reason to change.

It won't the physical abuse you have received is as bad as it can get without needing hospital. He is not your priority to try and save your child is by getting them away from him

Shakemyfaith · 01/03/2017 11:47

hey user
this video is good for helping you realise the escalation.

please dont stay and get help to leave. stay safe
Fishface77 · 01/03/2017 18:03

Where are you family?
Close or far?
Are you financially linked to this man?

Get the fuck out ASAP.
Go to your family.
You owe it to yourself and your child.
Do not put him on the birth certificate.
Report any and all incidents to the police.

Fishface77 · 01/03/2017 18:04

PS. It's not the job of you or your unborn child to save him.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/03/2017 18:15

I don't normally post on these threads because I don't have any personal experience in this area, but it sounds to me like you need to save the life of your unborn child by leaving and cutting any ties. From what you have said, if he stays anywhere near you he will pose an extreme risk to you both. Go to the refuge as advised by women's aid and don't look back.

Original poster
user1488224831 · 10/10/2017 03:24

Not sure if this is still active... Ive managed to get rid of him for the sake of my baby. Its been really traumatic resulting in me being left with the baby, no secure income, and a house I can't afford. Its worth it.. As most of you said it didn't get any better it got much worse.

Does anyone have any words of encouragement I am absolutely terrified I have a baby who is just so tiny and dependent on me and I am sitting here at 3.30 am with my head in my hands.

Anyone? X

OP posts: