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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Messages to escorts/ prostitutes - help and advice please

56 replies

MartinaMartini · 25/02/2017 23:20

Okay....I found some text messages on husbands phone last week while on holiday to 3 different mobile numbers all with the same message 'Are you available?'. Messages all sent a few evenings before when husband had stayed in a hotel for the night as we'd had an argument and he'd stormed out.

Turns out all three numbers were to local escorts/ prostitutes. No text message responses received, just outgoing. I didn't check his call log as couldn't think straight.

I was dumbfounded. On confronting him he admitted he had looked but had been so drunk/ off his face on coke that he couldn't remember even looking (hence why hadn't deleted numbers) and swore blind that this had never happened before and nothing had become of it.

I dont know what to believe. We were on holiday when I made this discovery so after trying to pack him off home (no flights) I eventually had to suck it up and put on a brave face for the kids for the rest of the week.

There are other problems in our marriage such as his drinking and drug taking so kids and I are staying with family now we're home so I can sort my head out.

He's claiming this is all blown out of proportion.

Anyone got any experience? Advice? Gut instinct? As mine is way way off.

OP posts:

Report

Confutatis · 25/02/2017 23:27

No experience but gut instinct is bad. I did see your previous post. I hope things turn out for the best for you and your kids. Others will be able to help more but it doesn't look good.

happypoobum · 25/02/2017 23:32

I used to live with a cokehead. They are scum. I stupidly made excuse after excuse for him before finally realising he was a boring and self centred dickhead.

Get out.

jouu · 25/02/2017 23:36

He's a cokehead. It really doesn't matter if he had sex with a prostitute or not. You need to end this marriage ASAP.

annandale · 25/02/2017 23:36

'drunk/ off his face on coke'

TBH that would bother me more than messages to prostitutes - quite possibly he is telling the truth about not actually having sex with one (though isn't it amazing that he can't remember anything about it except that he definitely didn't have sex with them) but if he's in that sort of state on a regular basis I would consider that he isn't a fit person to be in a relationship.

He may tell you that it's all blown out of proportion but his opinion on this is meaningless - he can't even remember who he speaks to on the phone. How do you feel about it and about your life?

MartinaMartini · 25/02/2017 23:41

I know getting out is the right thing to do.
Then he turns on the charm and says how much he loves us all and what a lovely family we are bla bla.

He reckons it was a stupid thing he did when feeling sorry for himself when smashed cod I wasn't putting out.

I feel disgusted in him that he'd could see it when he's always turned his nose up at his mates doing similar in the past. ("Would never pay for it").

He feels like a stranger to me and that I should go and get myself tested as I can't believe what he says.

OP posts:

Lfletch · 25/02/2017 23:41

Do you mind me asking is the coke/drinking all the time? My DH does it when he goes out with his friends and tries to tell me it's escapism. I think it's disgusting behaviour and upsets me that he even feels he need to escape his life. I wish I was strong enough to leave. Hope you are okay.

PurpleDaisies · 25/02/2017 23:42

You need to plan to get out. Have you got support/finances etc to leave him?

MartinaMartini · 25/02/2017 23:47

Lfletch - it's particularly when he's with his mates and they go out. But he uses it to escape what I'd call normal life...had a rubbish day at work...get smashed..had something great happen....get smashed to celebrate. He had a rubbish childhood. (Not making excuses)

It's just been a complate curve ball. I've put up with his frinking and made excuses for his drug taking and now bloody whores.

So degraded.

OP posts:

herwegoagain123 · 25/02/2017 23:48

Also the fact that he must think its ok to call prostitutes/ engineered a fight to get out and go on coke binge. Useless addict.
I found out my h had been using sex workers for ten years but he wasn't a coke head also.
Interestingly enough my councillor told me that it is a double addiction as coke magnifies orgasm so they chase both.
You need to check phone records and bank records or just LTB.
Its truly awful and you must be in shock. He will be minimising. Do not accept his bullshit.

MartinaMartini · 25/02/2017 23:48

I've got support from friends and family. I'd be okay financially. It's the emotional pull of breaking up the family and trying to resist the tears and promises etc that he'll change .

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/02/2017 23:50

If him messaging prostitutes after already knowing he is a cokehead isn't enough for you to end it for good, then nothing anyone can say here will make a blind bit of difference

What more evidence that he is a substandard partner and even worse father do you need ?

Don't listen to what he says, take note of what he does. And act accordingly.

herwegoagain123 · 25/02/2017 23:51

you don't just out of the blue start using sex workers. He must think he's entitled to. Don't believe he hasn't used them.

Lf803 · 25/02/2017 23:52

Don't feel degraded it's not a reflection on you at all. It's them who have the problem, they are pathetic. You deserve so much more!

Butterymuffin · 25/02/2017 23:54

He wasn't too drunk/coked up to find numbers and send the messages, was he?
I would be suspicious. Hope you can get some clarity on this.

MartinaMartini · 25/02/2017 23:54

Any - You're absolutely right. I've left/ kicked him out may times before but always been reeled back in by his promises to get help etc. This has somehow changed things for me.

When you are with someone like this for more than a decade you lose prospective of what's ok and normal. (I sound like such a victim even writing that. )

My family now know everything so I mean business this time.

OP posts:

MartinaMartini · 25/02/2017 23:56

I truly think he's done this before as he's been staying out in hotels fairly rwgaulry over the last 6 months.

Stupidly I was just relieved he was keeping his drinking and drug taking away from the kids.

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highinthesky · 25/02/2017 23:59

You know this is not going to end well. Get your kids away from him.

jeaux90 · 25/02/2017 23:59

He won't change. He hasn't in all the time you've been with him.

Get out and get a life you can be proud of for you and the dc.

MartinaMartini · 26/02/2017 00:05

That's exactly it. But when he's being nice I stupidly feel that I'd be missing out if he was with someone else... police called it emotional abuse when they came to remove him but he'd already gone.

OP posts:

MartinaMartini · 26/02/2017 00:05

That's exactly it. But when he's being nice I stupidly feel that I'd be missing out if he was with someone else... police called it emotional abuse when they came to remove him but he'd already gone.

OP posts:

viques · 26/02/2017 00:06

lf803 I hope you are referring to the ops oh and his friends when you say "they have a problem" and "they are pathetic" and not mean the sex workers who might well have been trafficked or forced into sex work.

jeaux90 · 26/02/2017 00:25

It is emotional abuse. He has conditioned you to stay despite his shitty behaviour.

Please don't put up with it anymore.

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Lf803 · 26/02/2017 09:25

Yes of course I meant the husbands but thank you for clarifying.

MartinaMartini · 26/02/2017 10:28

I've left but as usual getting all the lovey dovey messages about how much he misses me and the kids. It's so hard.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 11:21

Oh come on.

If you want more of the same treatment then let him back in just to fuck you over again

You are your own worst enemy. Stop engaging with him. He is a liar and manipulator...you know this all too well.

Flip

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