Messages to escorts/ prostitutes - help and advice please

[MartinaMartini]

Okay....I found some text messages on husbands phone last week while on holiday to 3 different mobile numbers all with the same message 'Are you available?'. Messages all sent a few evenings before when husband had stayed in a hotel for the night as we'd had an argument and he'd stormed out.

Turns out all three numbers were to local escorts/ prostitutes. No text message responses received, just outgoing. I didn't check his call log as couldn't think straight.

I was dumbfounded. On confronting him he admitted he had looked but had been so drunk/ off his face on coke that he couldn't remember even looking (hence why hadn't deleted numbers) and swore blind that this had never happened before and nothing had become of it.

I dont know what to believe. We were on holiday when I made this discovery so after trying to pack him off home (no flights) I eventually had to suck it up and put on a brave face for the kids for the rest of the week.

There are other problems in our marriage such as his drinking and drug taking so kids and I are staying with family now we're home so I can sort my head out.

He's claiming this is all blown out of proportion.

Anyone got any experience? Advice? Gut instinct? As mine is way way off.

Ignore the lovey dovey messages. Actions after all speak louder than words.

I would also read up on co-dependency and see how much of that fits in with your own self.

The people I feel the most for in all this are your children. What are they learning about relationships from the two of you here?. Is this what you want for them as adults too?.

Thank you Any.

This is what I need to hear. Feel a right miserable cow today. Need to get out with the kids and do something.

I'd suggest a reply along the lines of "I'm bored of your bullshit I want a divorce"

It's the only valid response.

'Should have thought of that before' also works. But you're right about getting out with the kids. Get out of the house and keep busy.

I really think you should be booking in for an STD check OP. Put yourself and your children first, no one deserves to have to live like you are. There is a better life outside of his selfish, controlling and unstable bubble.

Attila- You're absolutely right and I'm tying to keep their future mental health and having healthy relationships at the forefront of my mind.

Tomorrow I am going to see my GP. Think I need counselling. Also going to get myself checked out down below.

I'll have a read up on that.

You sound like a strong woman Martinamartini, you need to get out of this relationship now. Forget the prostitutes (which sounds likely from your follow up posts), the drugs would be enough for me.

You risk losing your kids yourself if you don't keep them away from him whilst he is still using. I would strongly recommend getting some advice. I'm glad you have family and friends around you, good luck

I'm strong at work and in all other aspects of life but with him I can't see the wood from the trees and my head goes to mush. Until now.

If one of my friends were in my position I'd be telling them to run for the hills.

Scary thought that I might lose kids for not protecting them from him. I've always thought I was protecting them by staying with him so he doesn't have unsupervised access.

I just can't let him drive me to having a breakdown.

You need to get it recorded somewhere that he is a drug taker so your children do not get unsupervised access with him. Tell your GP, WA and anyone else who will listen. You need to protect them now more than ever. And block him from contacting you too. It is the only way.

How can you prove that they do it though? My husband always says 'prove it' or 'I'll tell them you do it to' which is ridiculous but how will they know. This is what worries me the most.

Lf - this has always been one of my concerns too and partly how ive justified staying but I'm passed that now as things hve gone too far.

I saw CAB over a year and a half ago so had a load of stuff documented then. Through them I got some time with a family law solicitor who documented more stuff and told me about the courts etc and my rights. Sounds as though the courts will always air on the side of caution if there is any questions about the children's safety. I've put up with it for so long and been so scared to leave in case he gets access but ive come through that now as who in their right mind would let a drug taking alcoholic have unsupervised access to young children. He'd have to be drink and drug tested and visits would likely start at a contact centre from what I'm told which he'd probably not stick to anyone as he'd have the arse he wasn't just given them. The problem with coke is how quickly it leaves your system, as I'm sure you oh, like mine, is only too aware. I keep hoping he'll get done for drink and drug driving.

I've been noting things for years plus got photos of his dangerous driving and drug paraphernalia. I'm hoping it'll paint a clear picture when I need to.

You know the right thing to do here is stay away. Only response is I want a divorce, you will hear from my solicitor. Tell the GP what has been going on. Withold your kids from him, tell him he can see them when he provides a hair follicle drug test (doesn't allow it to get out of your system). That he can pay for or take you to court where you will tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth and it will all be on record for his children to know.

Do everything through a solicitor, change your number and have no contact.

I would maybe talk to the nspcc (anonymously if that makes you feel better) and ask them what is the best way to tackle this and who is the best people to speak to - it would probably be the police (who will contact social services). Share your concerns about unsupervised contact and they will take you down the right path. From.previous experience, as a former healthcare professional and a current childcarer, it would be a contact centre (therefore supervised contact) if there is drugs involved.
Don't give him any warning that you are going to do something about it - hopefully the police might find some in his possession, or will fail a drugs test etc
As for malicious retaliation - the police aren't stupid and expect things like that to happen.

I'm so pleased for you that you have done it! You are a strong person and will be absolutely fine. I think I will start writing it all down. My children deserve better.

He's driving when on drugs/or drunk? Surely you could call the police when he does this, say where he is and give them the Reg plate. They will arrest him and then it'll be on his record.

Lf - I've just been making notes on my phone calendar for years. Makes a pretty shit catalogue of reading when you go through it all. I'd onto feel strong. I feel weak and pathetic forerring it go on so long. Wish I'd got things logged in more places now.

Husky- it's hard to know where exactly he'll be so need to get the timing right.

I'm glad the courts seem to have their heads screwed on at least.

Thanks twinkle - I'll add that to my to do list tomorrow as well.

I know a woman with a coke problem, she is depending on the day, normal and ok, paranoid, thoroughly nasty and a total fantasist. Do you really want a life like this, it drives you nuts

I'm an escort, and sorry to tell you, but "Are you available?" is the phrasing an experienced punter would use. It's considered most polite/correct.

Inexperienced men will say, "Hi, how are you?" first or "You're gorgeous, what are you doing right now?" More chit chatty (time wasting) type things.

Hi, OP. Surely after he sent that message, the escort service would ring him back?

Coke may leave your blood quickly but your history with it is written in your hair.

Yes are you available would indicate to me he's used their services already; he's an old hand.

He's using Class A drugs and yes probably doesn't have any filter on his morals when high, plus, he's bringing drugs into your home not to mention putting your sexual health at risk.

He's one of life's opportunists and risk taker and I'd guess that includes using escorts and drugs.

No someone I'd be sharing my life with, or exposing my children to, he's a loose canon.

That's not a messge to a service, it's a message to an independent worker. (So at least he's reducing the liklihood of seeing someone who's being trafficked...). And no, most of us get enough enquiries that we don't look back at old requests, plus it's bad form to contact someone unless they've JUST contacted you, for exactly this reason. They might've been in private then but not later.

This isn't his first time with prostitutes /escorts. He has those numbers readily available to call when he feels the need.

Clearly he usually remembers to delete the numbers all the other times.

What would your children learn from a father like him.

Mmm3 - that was what I suspected sadly. That it wasn't the first time.

Ddssdd - I didnt think to check his call log! By the time I did his phone had locked and I couldnt get back in as he'd changed his number.

Happy - he shaves his head so I'm stumped on that for evidence.

So scared if it comes to going to court that they'll believe his lies and fall for the charm and he'll be allowed unsupervised to mum children. Terrified.

I've still not gone back home. He's still proclaiming his innocence and swears on the kids lives that he didnt do anything and wants us back.

I want to get my kids back home but he won't leave the house. Just don't know what to do next.

Solicitor seems the only option but all rather scary and daunting.