I cheated on my husband of 6 months - but I want to fix our marriage desperately

[tac995]

Hi guys,

My husband recently found out that I have been cheating on him.

We're both quite young (I'm 22 and he is 25) and we got married last July after being together for many happy years (since I was 16 basically). We have never had any major issues in our relationship and we were delighted to finally tie the knot in 2016.

In October, I moved to Paris for a few months to study abroad and this is where I ended up meeting a guy towards the last few weeks of my time there and ended up sleeping with him. It became a regular affair that lasted for about 3 weeks. I was guilty and ashamed of my actions but being so far away from my husband I was able to all too easily shy away from the reality and consequences of what I was doing. I was not emotionally involved with this guy, in fact from the moment my husband found out I had no qualms in cutting all connections with this other man. My only concern has since been helping mend my husband's broken heart.

He found out after reading texts from my phone and I made the foolish mistake of lying to him repeatedly after he found out in a botched attempt to spare him further pain by hiding the full truth. I know now that full honesty is what he needs/needed then.

I want more than anything to help mend our relationship but we are both confused. We still love each other very much and although his initial stance was to divorce me immediately, he has also since agreed that he is not ready to let go of what we have. I believe he too wants to fix our relationship but neither of us really know how to. I know he wants answers and tangible solutions from me but I'm lost as to what to offer him.

I have been constantly apologising to him, treating him with love and kindness, trying to be as completely honest as I can and doing everything to make him feel secure in our relationship. I really don't want to lose him for this cruel and selfish thing I did.

Has anyone been in the same position as me? Trying to make amends after having cheated on a loved one?

Any insight or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

Well - if this is all genuine...I think the cruelty in all this has been your denying his suspicions and making him try to trust you throughout- and I'm afraid you sound a little immature or manipulative in your efforts 'to make him feel secure' with your kindness. How on earth are you going to do that? It's going to take more than your newfound guilt to fix things.
For what it's worth, I think you have done something that any number of young twenties people may have done before they were married- and learnt future lessons about making an actual commitment. But as you are married, can you honestly say you love and respect your DH? And how does that compare with his stories of your boasting of your potential for infidelity? It sounds as though you have got married by mistake and I think both of you need to find out who you are and whether you can start again with this knowledge.

Totally ridiculous that you are posting here and not speaking to him. This is the reason im not 100% convinced that you are real op.

From your husband's thread you weren't feeling bad about it. You apparently happily gloated to your friend you felt no guilt about cheating. Your husband had some good advice on his thread regarding getting shot of someone who has such little regard for him.

While he tries to make it work with you he robs himself of a chance to be happy with someone who gives a shit.

It's true, I didn't feel guilt while I was cheating. It was easy to feel far removed from any consequences whilst I was living in a different country to my husband. Any guilt I did feel I rationalised by telling myself I didn't feel anything for this other man and promising myself I would never do it again after this. Not an excuse by any means, but it's the truth.

Now that I'm back home I can see his pain more clearly and can't hide from the effect my actions have had on him. Despite what my actions might indicate, I really do love him dearly and I hate that I've done this to him.

For those of you saying it's his choice, not mine - I am aware of that. I believe my husband does want to reconcile, if he can. He is calling all the shots, I am trying to be respectful and if/when he wants space, I will go. As for now, he is happy for me to continue living with him and so, whilst he is still happy to have me around I want to be making proactive steps in healing our relationship. If only I knew how though.... I realise it's going to take more than just the truth and kindness.

I was hoping I might have heard from people in my position on this thread.... I hate to think I'm the only person who has cheated and wanted to save their marriage...

Two ids OP?

Shouldn't NC during your own threads OP. Bad form!

wheres the husbands thread?

Sorry, new to mumsnet. I thought my username would change for all previous posts too

Jesus; is this a just a big set up for that shit bit of selling just then?

Utter tosh

i'd be gutted if my 22 year old got married and wouldn't be entirely surprised if they shagged someone else.

Have you not got a half term challenge to complete or something?

I thought from the other thread that you two were Muslim. If so isn't adultery forbidden? Perhaps talking together with your mosque leaders will he!p. If I were your husband I couldn't be bothered to talk it out since you have only been married five minutes and no children are involved.

Just reported casdee. What a load of crap that post was.
Regarding this thread? Its just ridiculous

Thank you to the person who suggested going to relate. Me and my husband have booked a session, I hope it is helpful.

Anyone have any experience with counselling?

Gosh I was coming on to say that for a 22 year old your posting style is somewhat.....dissonant with the apparent dilemma you're presenting.

Whatev's. I don't believe a word of it.

Clearing trolling

The "hubby" is getting uppity on his thread.

You sound remarkably disassociated from the situ; I bet you only stopped because your DH found out.
Disgusting behaviour and I don't believe a single word you say about loving your DH. If you'd loved him you wouldn't have cheated on him.

OP will your family disown you if you get divorced? Will it put shame on your family? Is that what you are worried about. You clearly didn't love him. Maybe you just want to save the marriage to save face.

It's not really a case of saving face. Both families are aware of everything that's going on and I've hurt too many people, from my hubby to everyone else to be able to 'save face' from this at all.

My only concern is his own happiness right now. I know people are telling me to leave but whilst he is still allowing me to be in his life I want to try somehow to make amends

So you can brag to friends that you've cheated on him again. Is it an open marriage you want?

This is a wind up and a complete waste of the time of kind MN posters. You and your H are on here posting. I won't be wasting any more energy on you pair of dickheads.

Wow! Interested to know what you were trying to achieve with this fake thread OP