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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Perspective needed please.

41 replies

MrManMan · 21/12/2016 17:18

Hello

I am a man (obviously) please don't think I am some sort of weirdo, I have joined this site as I need some female perspective on an issue my wife and I are having.

I'll try to keep it short. I am 40, my wife is 35. She is from France but has been living/working here in the UK for 12 years. We met five years ago and have been married for 3.

The issue we have is that she absolutely doesn't trust me (she is convinced I am cheating on her) nothing could be further from the truth. My wife is (and I can say this quite objectively) stunning looking. I am punching well above my weight and I know it. But we met and jelled and when I asked her to marry me (first and only engagement/marriage for both of us) she said yes.

It allowed to stem from an incident which happened a few weeks after we met. I took her to a works night out to introduce her to my colleagues. At the end of the night I agreed to give a lift home to two guys I work with. And as Was driving out of the carpark I stopped to say goodbye to some other colleagues. There is a girl I have worked closely with for years before I met my wife (she is married with a kid) and when we said goodbye we have exchanged a peck on the lips (think formal polite weird Aunt type peck). We have always done this and to be honest I had done it before I had even realised (sorry I should point out that my colleagues husband was stood beside her at the time).

My wife brings this incident up on literally a weekly basis and makes comments like "oh maybe you should ask/go to/call/f@$k Fiona then".

I literally can't say anything which will make her stop doing this. I have tried ignoring it, explaining it, arguing about it but it's futile. She just won't stop bringing it up.

Also my wife demands to know where I am every waking moment. Five mins late from work will result in non stop phone calls. She frequently literally grabs my phone from my hand and goes through every text and asks me to explain any she isn't happy with.

Was the thing with my colleague really so innapropriate? To me it was normal social interaction but to honest I have been listening to my wife for so long that I have lost all sense of perspective about the issue.

OP posts:

Report

PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2016 17:24

Kissing other people on the lips is not appropriate. I'm surprised you even have to ask.

Wellitwouldbenice · 21/12/2016 17:27

I think I might have problem with my DH kissing a colleague on the lips.

fallenempires · 21/12/2016 17:28

Agree with Purple

BumDNC · 21/12/2016 17:29

A quick awkward peck isn't something you should be spending years on end 'paying for'. Maybe it isn't 'appropriate' in some ways but in others it was in public, in front of her husband and just a greeting/goodbye. So in context it doesn't seem 'inappropriate' IMO.
I don't understand how you got married during this happening - were you just ignoring this behaviour hoping it would go away?!

I would have left a long time ago sorry. Life is too short to be persecuted on a weekly basis for something that you didn't do and don't want to do. It sounds irrational and unstable the way you describe it. Not sure there is anything you can do to make it stop. She has to believe and trust you. There is no trust ergo no relationship to me. Sorry

fallenempires · 21/12/2016 17:30

Would you be happy to watch your wife do the same?

Christmassnake · 21/12/2016 17:30

Would have his bags packed and ready to go,if my dh kissed another woman on the lips

MrManMan · 21/12/2016 17:30

Thanks for the reply. My colleagues husband was there at the time though and it's something we have always done . Nobody anywhere has ever said anything about it and it's very common amongst my group of friends, most of us do it. Where I grew up (sorry I am not from the UK) it's also normal.

But if it isn't, the incident was five years ago. Before we got married. To me it's crazy that I should be answering for it all these years later.

OP posts:

BumDNC · 21/12/2016 17:30

I can't believe other people will comment that OP deserves this for a peck on the lips years ago in front of woman's husband. Wtf?

BumDNC · 21/12/2016 17:32

You won't get a fair opinion on here I'm afraid as you are a man. If this was a woman posting they would be told the partners behaviour is abusive

Christmassnake · 21/12/2016 17:32

Just re read ...so 5 yrs you have put up with this?????me thinks you weren't lucky to get her...maybe other men saw the light and legged it,but you were the only one she could get down aisle....

AmberEars · 21/12/2016 17:33

I can't believe these replies. It was a quick peck in public five years ago! Your wife needs to move past this and find a way to trust you, otherwise you should split.

MrManMan · 21/12/2016 17:33

But it wasn't a romantic kiss. It wasn't a kiss at all.

Fallenempires, yes I would and frequently she does when greeting her friends from home. She does the same thing but because I am a man apparently "it's different"

OP posts:

FellOutOfBed2wice · 21/12/2016 17:35

WTF?! I can't believe so many people are piling on OP to say that what he did was wrong or that his wife is justified in her anger- that's nuts. I kiss plenty of people in the way you describe, often. Both in front of my husband and when he isn't there. No big deal. Your wife is the weird one here, you've done nothing wrong and it certainly isn't a dealbreaking issue!

Kittenrush · 21/12/2016 17:35

My best male friend and I accidentally kissed on the lips when we were saying goodbye. His girlfriend cracked up (apparently our faces were an absolute picture)
You definitely shouldn't spend years paying for a peck on the lips. Even if it wasn't accidental.
If it were me I would say enough or I'm off.

PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2016 17:35

Was the thing with my colleague really so innapropriate? To me it was normal social interaction but to honest I have been listening to my wife for so long that I have lost all sense of perspective about the issue.

bum this is what the op asked. He wasn't asking whether his wife was out of order for her behaviour. He wanted to know if that kiss was inappropriate.

Clearly the relationship is in serious trouble (and I can't fathom why anyone would marry someone who so obviously didn't trust them) but that wasn't what the op wanted to know.

Kittenrush · 21/12/2016 17:36

She does the same thing?!?!
No way.
Run for the hills

herwegoagain123 · 21/12/2016 17:38

hmmmm sounds like hell. Why are you putting up with it? Because of her looks maybe? Tell her straight enough is enough.

Stormtreader · 21/12/2016 17:41

Unless theres loads of back story that youre not telling us then you have fallen into the trap of putting up with what sounds like a hellstorm of insecurity, jealousy and emotional abuse because the other person is "stunning looking".

HandyWoman · 21/12/2016 17:42

If she witnessed the formal polite awkward peck in front of the husband she was overreacting. Among some people it is platonic and harmless. I used to kiss family members on the lips as a child.

But she should have decided to try and resolve it. Not keep banging on about it for five years and using it against you.

This was so early on in your relationship there's no way if knowing whether she is just fundamentally jealous - it could be that without this incident she could have found some other 'incident' to beat you with. This incident may be irrelevant. I think the mistake was getting married when there were huge huge huge great enormous trust issues. You don't have to stay in this relationship. I wouldn't.

Simonneilsbeard · 21/12/2016 17:42

Your wife's behaviour is utterly ridiculous. Yes kissing a colleague on the lips is a little bit odd I agree I'd have been somewhat perplexed at that myself. However going on about it years later and questioning your every move is nothing short of abusive.

Cricrichan · 21/12/2016 17:43

That's ridiculous! You have given her no reason not to trust you. Tell her you love her, have only eyes for her and have never strayed and that she has to trust you. Tell her that without trust there is no relationship and you can't live your life like this.

fallenempires · 21/12/2016 17:44

Why hasn't she moved on from the incident tho if she went onto marry you?
Surely if there's no trust in your partner then there's no relationship?
Do you have any knowledge of her previous relationships?

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fallenempires · 21/12/2016 17:46

X post with you there OP that sounds like double standards there!

Dozer · 21/12/2016 17:46

Your wife's behaviour is really weird.

Naicehamshop · 21/12/2016 17:57

People on here who are criticising the op over this??? Are you on glue??

OP you exchanged a kiss on the lips with a friend and have put up with utterly insane behaviour from your wife for 5 YEARS because of it? She may be stunning looking but I would really wonder about the mental health of anyone who behaves like this. The only thing I can think of to explain this in any way is that it may be a cultural difference. (TBH I wouldn't kiss a colleague on the lips but I know people who do.)

Don't spend the rest of your life dealing with her totally unreasonable behaviour. One more try at explaining how you feel and if that doesn't work it may - sadly - be time to call it a day.

Flip

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