Perspective needed please.

[MrManMan]

Hello

I am a man (obviously) please don't think I am some sort of weirdo, I have joined this site as I need some female perspective on an issue my wife and I are having.

I'll try to keep it short. I am 40, my wife is 35. She is from France but has been living/working here in the UK for 12 years. We met five years ago and have been married for 3.

The issue we have is that she absolutely doesn't trust me (she is convinced I am cheating on her) nothing could be further from the truth. My wife is (and I can say this quite objectively) stunning looking. I am punching well above my weight and I know it. But we met and jelled and when I asked her to marry me (first and only engagement/marriage for both of us) she said yes.

It allowed to stem from an incident which happened a few weeks after we met. I took her to a works night out to introduce her to my colleagues. At the end of the night I agreed to give a lift home to two guys I work with. And as Was driving out of the carpark I stopped to say goodbye to some other colleagues. There is a girl I have worked closely with for years before I met my wife (she is married with a kid) and when we said goodbye we have exchanged a peck on the lips (think formal polite weird Aunt type peck). We have always done this and to be honest I had done it before I had even realised (sorry I should point out that my colleagues husband was stood beside her at the time).

My wife brings this incident up on literally a weekly basis and makes comments like "oh maybe you should ask/go to/call/f@$k Fiona then".

I literally can't say anything which will make her stop doing this. I have tried ignoring it, explaining it, arguing about it but it's futile. She just won't stop bringing it up.

Also my wife demands to know where I am every waking moment. Five mins late from work will result in non stop phone calls. She frequently literally grabs my phone from my hand and goes through every text and asks me to explain any she isn't happy with.

Was the thing with my colleague really so innapropriate? To me it was normal social interaction but to honest I have been listening to my wife for so long that I have lost all sense of perspective about the issue.

I do think that your wife has a problem - she does seem very insecure. I am not sure how you can deal with this; but I suspect she would be the same (and probably has been) with any other man. It is a pain, I agree, but, if she is the one for you, you may have to just put up with it. Either that or run for th hills. Presumably there are aspects of her behaviour that make staying worthwhile.

I have a rep for giving blokes a hard time on here but I would not be making a big deal of this.

Years ago. A brief peck on the lips with partner stood right there ? Not an issue.

Mrman honestly this would really piss me off. If you have tried talking to her etc etc about it I would let her have it both barrels and tell her to stfu about it.

Kissing colleagues on the lips is not normal.

Going on about something for fives years is also not normal - by this point it should either be gotten over or you should have split up over it.

I don't know how you've put up with this all these years. She sounds nuts and will send you crazy. I don't think I could put up with it day in, day out. I'd likely say enoughs, enough and tell her you're leaving because she's being completely unreasonable.

I disagree with those who say there is something wrong with a peck on the lips, especially in front of spouses and friends.

I would be a bit tbh, but 5 years of OTT jealousy and controlling behaviour ?

Nah

I wouldn't equate a public aunty style kiss with cheating. Ever

Thanks for the feedback.

Most of the time, like 99% of the time she is lovely. But when she "turns" it's full circle and I haven't been able to figure out what will make it happen yet.

Yesterday I came home from work (her day off) and noticed that the house was absolutely spotless. My sister is coming to spend Christmas with us so figured that was the reason for the super clean.

I came down stairs and said

"Wow, it's spotless up there, you've been busy"

She threw a roll of tape at me and started shouting about how I actually meant that she never cleans and why don't I just say what I really think.

I didn't mean that at all. I was just making conversation.

As for he previous relationships she hasn't really had any significant ones. Her father died when she was 18 and she has mostly been concentrating on her career and sending money home to her family.

(Basically she grew up poor in a rented house. Her parents, well her father, was a labourer and always wanted to save enough to buy the house they rented. He died before he even got close to saving a penny. My wife has sent her entire salary home to her mother since we got married so that her mother can buy the house. This was done in September)

For the above reason she just worked her way up in her job to earn good money so that she could buy the house. Our bills aren't much and I was paying the mortgage before I even met her on my own anyway. So I just continued the same way. That way she could have her salary as spare cash to send home.

Reading back it sounds like she is crazy but I don't think it's all that bad. I just wanted to know if what I did regarding the "kiss" was so bad that I SHOULD be answering for it five years later.

She needs help. Has she always been controlling or do you think there's a chance she's depressed? I'd get her to see her GP.

This is so ridiculous. She shouldn't be using this one indecent to punish you every time she's having a strop. As you said, your colleagues partner was right there, there was clearly nothing sordid about it. Have you confronted her about this weird behaviour? This is not normal. She has no reason not to trust you and seems like she's constantly looking for something else to use against you. She sounds really insecure. Even the most beautiful women can still feel insecure about themselves. I feel so sorry for you. You shouldn't have to be subjected to such constant scrutiny.

There isn't ANYTHING so bad that you should be answering for it five years later.

You should have either dealt with it together, or you should have split up over it.

Before I get flamed, is she due her period? PMT can make a rational woman go batshit. I'm not excusing her behaviour but you say she's 99% lovely then flips and this is a regular pattern.

I think you need to stop treading gently around this and say No More Accusations.

The financial part of things does make me slightly - I mean she's had a very very supportive partner enough to not contribute anything to your lives (yes for a noble cause) and yet still accuses you of these things. And I knew it wouldn't just be the kiss. There's more bad behaviour. She needs to know it's not acceptable

Well out it this way - you're going to be answering for it 10 years later. And 15 years later. And 20 years later.

She'll probably be vile to you about it when you're both in your seventies.

Look into your future properly. I wouldn't fancy it , personally.

No the kiss wasn't so bad you should be answering for it now.
I'd find it strange but you say it's common where you're from and in your circle of friends. If I were here I'd ask you not to do it again and that'd be it tbh.
She sounds extremely insecure. I used to be pretty jealous with my DH when we first met and it turned out I was depressed. Could she be?

But either way you can't live like this. It's an abusive relationship. You don't have to put up with it.