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would you tell the other woman's husband

(172 Posts)
lotti37 Thu 17-Nov-16 22:16:12

My husband has had an online relationship with someone that works for him . They went away together and slept together. She moved 5 minutes away from where we live and I have to see her house everyday as I take my children to school. She makes me feel sick. She was actively after my husband but they are both to blame . She sent him videos of herself masturbating which I have kept copies and all her messages. I feel like she has ruined my life even though we are working things out. The fact she is carrying on as normal and her husband knows nothing . Should I tell him ? I hate the fact she lives so close and she reports into him.

Thatwaslulu Thu 17-Nov-16 22:18:39

That must be so tough, knowing he is seeing her at work. Is he looking to move jobs? I don't think I would tell her husband as it wouldn't just hurt her but would hurt him too. Difficult choice though.

whensitmyturn Thu 17-Nov-16 22:21:46

Some people will say not to but I did and would again God forbid it ever happen again to me.
I felt a massive sense of relief and closure when I did, he said he'd thought something was going on but didn't know what. He actually thanked me for telling him poor guy.
As far as I know they're still together but I know she admitted it to him.

I did it because i know that i would want to know in that position and for the same reason as you, because she had wrecked my life and I wanted revenge.

Something I read once also helped my view as it said you should always tell the affair partners other half so they move their attention to their own marriage/spouse rather than on yours!

Myusernameismyusername Thu 17-Nov-16 22:21:51

How is this online if they work together?
Is there any chance he could get a new job?
You don't mention him much, I mean he was married to you not her. She has done wrong but he was your husband at the time of doing it.
No I wouldn't tell the husband and I would delete the videos you must be torturing yourself by keeping them. It's not moving on to focus all your anger on her
I'm sorry you have been through this flowers

whensitmyturn Thu 17-Nov-16 22:24:02

I'll just add an extra part to my post in that I know it was both this woman AND my ex husband who wrecked my life I didn't/don't blame just her.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 17-Nov-16 22:26:03

I think that's natural to blame them both but this post seems to be squarely laying the blame/chasing at her feet. They both did this. Is he her boss?

ChipIn Thu 17-Nov-16 22:26:59

That's a horrible situation to be in OP. I would absolutely tell her husband. If I were in his position I'd want someone to tell me, and we've seen millions of posts on here of people going crazy suspecting they're partners but getting denial - that could be him right now.

Bluntness100 Thu 17-Nov-16 22:29:38

I'm really sorry too, but to be fair, this woman doesn't know uou, she has no commitment to uou, she did not ruin uour life, he did.

I also don't understand how this is online if she works for him and they had a physical relationship. He is her boss?

No I wouldn't tell the husband, because it's simply going to damage another relationship, it does no good other than make uou feel better and may cause significant problems at uour husbands work, which if you're trying to move forward, then that's not going to help.

Please delete the videos and messages, it is not healthy to keep them if you would,like to forgive and move on.

But please remember, it is him, not her who broke their vows and promises to you, for you he is the culpable one here. It's simply not right to forgive him and crucify her.

Dadaist Thu 17-Nov-16 22:30:50

If he had found out about his wife and your DH - would you have had him tell you? And how? There is your answer perhaps?

AddToBasket Thu 17-Nov-16 22:32:24

Don't - you will get over it faster, with less drama and more dignity if you rise above it.

I know it is hard, but their relationship is their deal and your DH is responsible for you. She is zero.

Another reason not to do anything is that if you do say something and it goes horribly for him or for the DC, there's always the feeling that you might have had a hand in the outcome. Right now you are completely unconnected to their lives. What if you tell him, there's a massive row and one of their DC fails an exam the following morning because of it? Or the DH's mother is dying the same day?

Even if you feel massively righteous about how he will 'thank you', you have no idea about their lives, the timing, the DC, anything. You could be involved with causing innocent people a fuck load of trouble. And, yes, I know the fault lies with the cheaters, but you are responsible for your actions.

Tell us, scream at DH, tell your friends, but don't be involved with the destruction of a family - however, tangentially.

ihatefags Thu 17-Nov-16 22:34:02

Yes I would tell him, I would want to know.

lotti37 Thu 17-Nov-16 22:38:15

They work together and she was after him for ages. She started messaging him and then sending pictures and videos. They had sex on one weekend as far as I know. I met her once when she came round to our house for a work meeting! She met our children too! Having no idea she was after him. She is someone who invited my husband round for sex whilst her little boy was sleeping and her husband was drunk on the sofa. He didn't go . She only recently moved into our area too. Feel like i want to move now.

c3pu Thu 17-Nov-16 22:39:46

I'd leave well alone.

It won't be anywhere near as satisfying as you might think

WatchingFromTheWings Thu 17-Nov-16 22:41:27

I'd tell him. He deserves to know and I'd hope someone would tell me if I was in his shoes.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 17-Nov-16 22:42:17

So he was a victim of her?

inlectorecumbit Thu 17-Nov-16 22:42:57

well if l had been cheated on l certainly would want to know.

So yes l would tell him

Lunar1 Thu 17-Nov-16 22:43:55

I'd tell him without question, I'd want someone to tell me.

Cherrysoup Thu 17-Nov-16 22:44:15

Christ, yes, of course I would. She deserves to suffer, although not telling him might be a worse torture for her because she'll forever be wondering if you will. flowers for you, OP.

timelytess Thu 17-Nov-16 22:45:06

I feel like she has ruined my life

I wonder what proportion of women who go with married men do it especially to 'ruin the lives' of the men's wives? I think, if it happens at all, it will be a tiny minority.

People have sex because they want it, they fancy each other. Sometimes, they think they'll get away with it. Sometimes they don't care.

Your husband was the one who 'ruined your life', if that is what has happened. He broke his marriage vows. He betrayed you. He showed you whatever respect or love he has for you, it is less important to him than the short-term satisfaction of shagging some woman. How do you know their relationship is over?

At present, he's with you. If he is the prize, you won. If he's a loathsome toad, you didn't. Up to you to decide. But nothing to do with her at all. She isn't important in this scenario. She could have been anyone. Telling her husband is just spiteful. You might enjoy it. Her little boy wouldn't enjoy the fallout.

AnyFucker Thu 17-Nov-16 22:45:31

That poor, poor man. Obviously she tricked his cock into her vagina.

She deserves to be stoned.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 17-Nov-16 22:47:46

How would you feel OP if her husband tells you he knows anyway and your DH chased her and he has saved all the pics and messages? Better or worse? You have one side of the story. Opening the Pandora's box could not help you

FritzDonovan Thu 17-Nov-16 22:50:40

I would also tell him. As pp said, he could suspect something and be going crazy with not knowing. Chances are if she did it once she could be likely to do it again, you could be saving him years of being married to a cheating spouse. Doesn't he deserve all the facts in order to make an informed decision, especially as it appears to have been a long term, calculated affair (moving house to be closer?!?)?
I don't get the idea that you should not lay any blame at the feet of the ow. If she knew your H was married, she's just as much to blame as he is. It takes two to cheat on a spouse and family. I've seen a number of posts on MN where someone has been devastated to discover they are the ow - these women seem to have decent personal morals, not so those ppl who choose to cheat with a married person.

blowmybarnacles Thu 17-Nov-16 22:52:24

Tell him. He deserves to know he is living a lie, and to make decisions about his future with a full deck of cards.

noego Thu 17-Nov-16 22:53:56

Get rid. Get divorced. sell house. buy a flat or small house. in a few years time you'll be glad you did.

user1471439240 Thu 17-Nov-16 23:17:36

Tell her to tell him or you'll tell him for her. Works every time.

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