Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support. what is this

(33 Posts)
user1465333936 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:51:49

I typed in what is a work and found I'm not alone .I came across the site on my partners bank statement last night .several times in one month every other day he made payments of ten pounds to that company I was gutted disgusted .I confronted him without telling him How I found it he totally denied it said he doesn't know the site and has never used prostitutes or webcam ect.he totally wouldn't come clean I told him you did that and even worse in my front room and god knows how many you have met .i confronted him again today and said you have been caught out I know you done it it its your bank and you paid that disgusting site for for those tramps .what would he get for ten pounds a time I don't know I haven't seen any other statements so I don't know how long it's gone on and how much he's spent .I don't know if I can get past this I don't know if I can let him touch me again I'm heartbroken I haven't a clue what to do I have never trusted him with good reasons he has always been sneaky and used private passwords on everything .I'm torn what do I do

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Jun-16 14:17:02

I think it's obvious what you do.
But.... do you have kids together?

Candycoco Wed 08-Jun-16 14:41:09

Users are charged per minute for example £1 per minute to view a girl on cam where others could be watching her too, or go into a private session which might be £1.50 per min and he can communicate with her and ask her to do stuff or just watch the private session. Sounds like he's up to it a lot then. Even if he's not paying you can watch previews of girls etc.

smilingeyes11 Wed 08-Jun-16 14:47:40

If you have never trusted then there was no reason to stay - and now this has happened too. Do you rent/own and/or have DC?

Cabrinha Wed 08-Jun-16 16:16:13

They're not tramps, they're women making a living.

Save the abusive language for your boyfriend.

And don't be torn. He uses webcam girls (at least) and has given you previous reason not to trust him anyway. And when he's been found out, he's not exactly rushing with apologies is he? hmm

You could make him show you his account, as a condition of staying together. I really wouldn't bother though.

£10 payments sounds like webcam type stuff. Prostitutes for full sex are more. But you can arrange them via adultwork but pay cash (sadly I have too much experience with this, XH) so it won't show on the bank statement.

Sorry flowers

TheNaze73 Wed 08-Jun-16 19:25:44

I think your anger is being vented at the wrong person here. You need to bin him off

user1465333936 Wed 08-Jun-16 20:30:39

Thanks for replies . I have no one else I can tell and ask advice to so you are a help .it is good that people like me have someone to tell it really does help again thanks .he has been crying telling me he can't lose me that he will go to pieces without me and has smashed his iPad up prove he is sorry

WellErrr Wed 08-Jun-16 20:44:21

he has been crying telling me he can't lose me that he will go to pieces without me and has smashed his iPad up prove he is sorry

<tiny violin>
Boo fucking hoo. I fucking hate men who do this.
YOU are the wronged party here - yet he's crying and looking for sympathy?

He's a liar, a cheat, and he thinks women are cheap things you can buy.

I'd get rid.

WellErrr Wed 08-Jun-16 20:44:52

And smashing his iPad up proves that he's slightly unhinged, not sorry. Don't be fooled.

EarthboundMisfit Wed 08-Jun-16 20:46:06

He's smashed his iPhone to prove he was sorry? He's a dick.

Fidelia Wed 08-Jun-16 21:05:00

It's more likely he's smashed his Ipad up to help hide his history, or to make some grand gesture. His Ipad didn't make him do it, he chose to do it all by himself.

A more helpful gesture would be:

- full transparency, full disclosure and a full timeline of what he has done, when.

- him telling you the boundaries he's going to put in place to prevent him from doing this again (all thought up by him, not you)

- him getting himself some counselling to work out why he's been doing this and to help him to stop.

Otherwise it's just words and hollow gestures.

It's ok if this is a dealbreaker for you. He's paying women to perform sex acts, while he's performing his own sex act (masturbating). He's a cheater, and a user of prostitutes, albeit from a distance. It's ok for you to leave. He knew that this could be a relationship deal breaker but did it anyway. He broke the relationship already, so if you do leave, hold onto that thought, and don't let him pass guilt/blame onto you. Nothing you did or didn't do made him go online, find adult works, and hire some screentime with a prostitute. That's all on him.

So right now, look after yourself. Ask him to leave for a few days to give you some breathing space. Get some protein drinks, soup etc in case you just can't eat because of the stress/hurt. Tell someone IRL...I know you feel ashamed, but you need the support. And take a few days off work.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Jun-16 09:10:08

he has been crying
Fuck me these men are unbelievable.
You are struggling because he uses prostitutes and thinks that women are sex objects and HE is crying.
Control and manipulation - that is what the crying is about.
He's not crying because he is sorry.
He wouldn't have done it otherwise.
He's crying because he got caught!
You KNOW exactly what you need to do.
Don't be rail roaded by HIS upset.
Jee-wiz. I'm angry on your behalf.
I hope you are angry!

Littleladylumps Thu 09-Jun-16 09:57:14

Has he actually admitted that he has been using the site?
In defence some of the web cam girls do just talk. Not filth, just day to day chat about work/mates/weekend plans etc.
I know that makes it no better as it's still the lies and the fact that he should have been coming to you for any of that and the filth flowers

horseygeorgie1 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:22:27

These women aren't tramps. They are normal women trying to make a living.

On that site you don't pay for sex, the money will be to buy 'credits' which can be exchanged for webcam sessions or access to private galleries etc. If he is seeing prostitutes he will pay them directly. The meetings can be set up via the website (but then, some girls prefer not to) but payment doesn't go through the site.

If he is webcamming, I would be fairly certain if he hasn't already seen a prostitute he is well on the way.

Jan45 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:29:05

Oh here we go, it's the prostitutes fault for luring him, oh paleeeeze OP, if it wasn't for slease ball men like yours then there'd be no need for women to have to do this to earn money, I've also heard that with Adultwork they post the payment intermittently like that to not make it look suspicious so there's every chance he's been visiting call girls.

Do the right thing and keep hold of your self respect.

Jan45 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:30:06

I mean to make it look less suspicious.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 09-Jun-16 15:51:49

What Fidelia said. The grand gesture of smashing his iPad up to prove how sorry he is has conveniently ensured that you can't search its history.

Don't be fooled by crocodile tears as they flow as easily as the promises and lies told by the sad 'so very sorry' fuckers who shed them.

If he wants to truly prove how sorry he is he'll agree to live elsewhere while you consider whether you want to risk your sexual health with a -- liar-- man who has in all probability used prostitutues, or has every intention doing so, or find yourself a respectful and honourable man who is worthy of your love and affection.

HarmlessChap Thu 09-Jun-16 16:52:24

Oddly enough the website has just been mentioned in The Sun

user1465320614 Fri 10-Jun-16 11:52:50

WTF the man likes a little porn from women he does not know. What I would say is why are you going line by line through his bank statements and if he knew that he is subjected to such scrutiny he should find alternative less public payment methods away from you.

Cabrinha Fri 10-Jun-16 15:45:24

Fuck off, user
Webcamming prostitutes isn't "a little porn".

user1465333936 Sun 12-Jun-16 14:52:48

1465320614. It's not okay to do that when you are living with someone your supposed to love and they are paying the bills .He charged his pad up to use that site with the electricity that I payed for so no it's not okay to do that to someone. He had everything the only thing I didn't do for him was wipe his backside but I may as well have .and now he has been on his knees begging for forgive ness he's told me he cannot live without me and will go to pieces .he has also said he will do anything I did talk to him and ask him why did you need to do this I told him you could have came to me and talked to me if you had problems we could have worked it out I give him everything he needs in the bedroom that most wouldn't when I asked him about why and other things he said he stopped when he realised they were shite his words not mine he said he doesn't know what came over him because he has everything he needs at home now he could be bulling me .he has a heavy head he knows he has caused me pain and before you go saying other things if I had caught him on porn I maybe would have just ticked him off but no it's not okay to cheat with live webcams you say men like a bit of porn well that is not a little innocence porn it's bang out of order if I done that to him what he has done there would have hell to pay I would have been accused of being a dirty cheat his first wife cheated on him so he knows what it feels like

user1465333936 Sun 12-Jun-16 15:08:05

And if he does find less public ways to do it and pay then he can go and see if they will wash his clothes cook his meals do his cleaning and be totally devoted. To him .its like everything when the novelty wears off or your caught and lose everything that's when you realise the grass wasn't greener but to late when you have lost everything and for what some sleazy bit of pleasure going nowhere but taking your bank balance down .like I said to him he has a daughter that is working hard to save every penny she can to better her life she doesn't have a lot but would ne turn to that for money she could have had that wasted money to help her .and like I said to him would you like it if your daughter rang in tears saying she had caught her fiancé using them sites and spending his money on them his reply he would. Tell her to dump him and be very angry so his next words were I know now how wrong it was and learned a very hard lesson I could have lost you and everything I told him your not off the hook I'm going to be watching every move you make and you won't be able to hide he swears he will never risk losing me for some prostitute site yes his words prostitute

user1465333936 Sun 12-Jun-16 15:11:15

Thankyou every one on here who has taken the time to post back to me when you have no one else to talk to it helps so much .i could never tell my son or my siblings what he has done .im still unsure if I can cope with it it is in my head I can see images of them in front of him and his hand doing that I felt like grabbing my face and ripping it off to get rid of the pain

user1465333936 Sun 12-Jun-16 18:42:35

I have poured my heart out here told how I have talked to him and his replies I haven't ranted I have tried to be reasonable .yes you do vent anger on not just your partner on the women he's doing it with its anger at both parties .am I doing the right thing believing what he says or will I regret it does everyone deserve a second chance the man I love and totally adore even though he's treated me like that .my head is all over I want the images to disappear from it he has also said lets go and get married please marry me he wants to to prove he loves me I have said no of course becouse all I can hear is the advice I have been given .will he do it again when the dust settles god my head is so messed up I know what I should do

Cabrinha Sun 12-Jun-16 19:47:50

I'm so sorry.
But oh my god don't marry him!!!!!
You have your head screwed on.

I will say this... prostitute use is calculated. It's not a drunken accident (not that that's excusable!)
It's not the fun and excitement of discovering a colleagues fancies you (again, not acceptable!)
It is a cold hard decision that cheating is fine. You did nothing "wrong" - and if there had been issues, anyway he should have come to you. His actions were long term and repeated. So what stops him doing it again? When that urge takes him? Love, guilt, fear of getting caught... none of that stopped him before, so why would it now? What is he going to do to stop it? Because just saying he will won't stop him. Either it's a compulsion or he just didn't give a shit before. Neither of those reasons will mean he'll change his behaviour. There is something wrong with him, and "I nearly lost you I won't do it again" simply is meaningless. You can't trust him AT ALL. Bare minimum, I'd want to be there when he has it all out with a counsellor to find out why he let himself do it before. This is what he did during the good times love - what about when there are hard times?

To be honest, the pathetic and violent smashing of the laptop (evidence)
is red flag enough to leave him!

Have you actually been shown his adultwork account by the way? I'd want to see that, not just the payments.

I'll finally share my experience. My XH used AW - including buying sex. Turns out, he'd done it for years before he met me. I didn't know that til after. When I found it, I had all the "don't know why I did, I'm a fool, I'll do anything" crap. Like a fool, I just about believed the "I only looked" bullshit. Married him. But he carried on. I found out again. Divorced him. He doesn't know that I know his AW password.

Guess what? Within 6 weeks of meeting his next girlfriend (you know, the honeymoon period) he was paying for sex again.

I know you are going to hope that yours if different.

But what's more likely? That it was some random lapse that he can walk away from, or that there is something wrong with him?

He will do it again.

There is some need in him that you don't meet. And that's not your fault. You give him everything (FWIW I was 'better' at sex than my XH, I was open, willing, adventurous. But if they're after 'illicit', you can't give that.

Walk away.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now