Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
It's not looking good is it?(158 Posts)
Have NC for this. I'll try not to drip feed.
Been together for fifteen years. I have a DD from a previous marriage.
We don't live together, partly because my previous marriage was very bad and I wanted to make a secure home for myself and my daughter. I then met my DP a few years later. He has three grown children and has always been a very good stepfather to my daughter. He often comes to stay with me and when my daughter stays with her dad (who lives nearby) I stay with him. It suits us both.
While staying with DP for Christmas, I noticed a card from a mutual female friend of ours (let's call her Helen) - very flirty and clearly referring to a hotel along the lines of 'don't go there again'. The word 'again' has stuck in my mind. I asked him what this meant and he said 'no idea'. He then said the card was 'years old'. I couldn't remember seeing that card before but I had nowhere to put this information so even though I was disturbed by it, I let it go. Then later that day when I was home, I received an email from Helen, hoping I'd had a great Christmas and chatting about seeing an actress friend of hers in a play, in a regional theatre, a few hours from where she (Helen) lives. My heart began crashing because the location of the theatre was on the train route which went past this hotel that my DP had 'no idea' about. The three weeks during which the play was on (so the time that my DP and Helen might have seen each other) I didn't see DP at all because I was so busy. And I knew that train route so well because I used to use that train route all the time when visiting my mother in hospital.
Helen and I have been close for several years. I'm fond of her husband and her teenage children. I love her company and I can't bear to think she might have betrayed me.
Putting the email and the card together put my friend and my DP together. I knew it was all circumstantial but my instincts were telling me something was up. DP said he had phoned Helen and (surprise) she couldn't remember making this reference to this hotel either. Surely I couldn't believe that 'he or she would betray me like this' etc etc.
I rang the hotel but neither of their names was on the hotel's list going back the whole of that year.
Not wanting to snoop (and to be honest it would be difficult because we don't live together) I asked him for access to his phone records which would reassure me. He texted that he would two days ago. I've heard nothing since.
I've heard nothing from Helen either although DP says he has spoken to her on the phone. If DP suspected me and I had the means to prove my innocence I would want to end his distress asap and hand over my phone records like a shot. He hasn't which says he has something to hide. Either that or he is angry with me for 'questioning' him and is punishing me. But that would be such a shitty thing to do.
Oh an his previous marriage ended when he had an affair with a friend of his (then) wife.
Please help. I'm feeling blank and physically cold. The script as I understand it is deny deny, then when you can't deny any more, minimise. We're still on denial.
I don't understand, I'm afraid.
Do you think Helen, who is married, is having an affair with your boyfriend? Is this based on one word 'again'?
Maybe Helen stayed at the hotel with her husband? Maybe your boyfriend went to the hotel and mentioned it to Helen?
Asking for phone records.... well, if someone asked me for my phone records I'd tell them where to go.
Do you think you are thinking about this rationally?
Well he has form and has done nothing to reassure you.
If it were me I'd assume that something happened, that he's not going to be open and honest about it, and I'd make my choices from there.
Firstly to you OP.
It sounds like he is not being entirely honest. Who keeps and puts up a Christmas card that is years old? And him having had an affair before does not bode well.
I think your choices are to demand to see all forms of communication, txt, email, fb and question him until he tells more of the truth.
He is denying and unfortunately he will minimise anything that has happened. You'll have to be strong, stand your ground.
Imperial sorry - maybe I'm not explaining it properly. Helen sends a flirty card to my boyfriend referring to going to a hotel 'again'. I wonder why she's sending a flirty card which refers to a hotel. But I have no reason to suspect either of them. The same day Helen sends me an email which says she went to see a play which is on the same train route as this mysterious hotel.
I think that it's possible - just possible - that she goes to see this play and as it's a long way from her home - she stays in this hotel that is nearby the regional theatre and maybe she stays there with my DP.
DP has form for fucking his partner's friends. He could prove he has done nothing by letting me see his phone bills. He has not done so, instead, saying I'm paranoid.
What kind of card was it? Where was it displayed?
And can you remember what exactly it said, about the hotel?
Sorry that you're in this situation OP I think your DP is the only one who can give you the answers and reassurance you're looking for.
For me, his reaction of denial and silence speaks volumes. But do you really think he would do that to you?? It's a huge betrayal.
Really Imperial? You'd refuse to show your dp your phone? In an honest, trusting relationship there should be no question.
Cheaters (esp those with history) are very good at hiding what they're doing. They slip up in the end, usually something small that may seem like nothing. It's not a matter of OP being irrational, she feels she has reason to ask for evidence so should get honesty in return!
Morris I've pmd you. Don't want to quote exactly here for fear of outing.
Helen's flirty note referencing the hotel was in a Christmas card?
No one he keeps and displays cards that are years old , that's codswallop for a start.
It was a bit brazen of Helen to put anything in writing .
You can't ask for his phone records op, that's not on.
I think he is probably up to something.
It's a good job you don't live together.
Would this be a deal breaker?
If I were you I'd ring "Helen" and ask her outright about the card and what she meant.
He's told you he's rang her and she has no idea - you've only got his word for that.
LoTeQuiero - good name. What does it mean?
Yes it's a huge betrayal. But - and I'm really no pushover - we might stand a chance if he were honest with me. If it was a one nighter - then maybe with counselling we might be able to fix it. I don't know.
But it's the silence and the scenarios going round and round my head that is hurting me so much.
I know what he is likely to do next as well. If there is no way he can show me the phone bills he'll wait till my DD goes off to her dad at the weekend, then show up at my door, crying and blaming Helen.
What do you mean DP has "form for fucking his partners friends?!"
Do you mean he's done this before not with you or whilst with you?
Sadly gut instinct is normally right therefore I would LTB and ditch the friend.
Jackie why is it 'not on' to ask for phone records? He has form for shagging his wife's friends.
Rock, if the relationship was good I'd have no problem with phones being freely exchanged, but the thought of someone demanding my phone would make me rebel.
I hadn't realised he had a history of cheating and yes that makes a difference. I do think, though, that if you refuse to live with someone, quite a few people would then feel free to do what they wanted in their free time. Maybe this guy is one of them?
Superfly in my OP I said that his previous marriage (before he met me) ended because he had an affair with his wife's friend.
He had an affair with ONE of his wife's friends, OP - or were there more than one?
I think once you start on the road of snooping or indeed asking to see messages / call records or various other communications then you're on a path to madness.
Considering he has form for this sort of thing wrt his ex wife then you know one thing for certain, and that is he is capable of cheating.
I strongly believe in trusting ones own instincts. In the scenario you've described, what happens next time he does something slightly suspicious? You'll make yourself unwell wondering what he's doing, who he's doing it with and at some point it will not be enough to just 'take his word for it', in fact you've already reached that point considering you've asked him for phone records.
He doesn't sound like the right match for you. You've done well to make a stable life for you and your dd but this man could really undo all that by making you chase after you're own tail. Cut your losses, there are men out there that won't make you doubt them.
Sorry yes op I missed that.
I'd have to find out the truth but to be honest I'm not sure I'd want to worry about if he could cheat again, looking for signs etc
Imperial he had an affair with ONE of his wife's friends. He also had a few one night stands. (This is what he told me). It was before he met me.
Inthebox I think there is a world of difference between snooping and asking directly for something. I've asked for his phone records. If he refuses to give them to me then I can only imagine he must be hiding something.
If he goes all arsey about me 'not trusting him' then I don't care. He has fucked around within his marriage (yes before he met me) but BECAUSE he won't talk to me or show me these records I am now beginning to think - maybe he has had other shags I just haven't found out about.
I'd need a full explanation from him and then and only then would make a decision.
I don't fully understand the hotel thing, though. Why would she say 'don't go to this hotel again'? Why 'don't'? In what context?
I think it's dodgy that she says she can't remember making reference to the hotel, it's pretty specific so why would she just forget mentioning it? OTOH she'd be pretty stupid to reference it in the card if it was dodgy, cards are designed for display. He can easily clean up his mobile phone call history so I'm not sure what good that will do.
I think I'd be on alert but I don't think you can prove this one nor do you have a huge amount to base suspicion on.
Just seen the bit about one night stands - while he was with his wife? Some people just don't do monogamy, maybe he's one of them. If so, get rid!
Join the discussion
Please login first.