It's not looking good is it?

[Saggingninja]

Have NC for this. I'll try not to drip feed.

Been together for fifteen years. I have a DD from a previous marriage.

We don't live together, partly because my previous marriage was very bad and I wanted to make a secure home for myself and my daughter. I then met my DP a few years later. He has three grown children and has always been a very good stepfather to my daughter. He often comes to stay with me and when my daughter stays with her dad (who lives nearby) I stay with him. It suits us both.

While staying with DP for Christmas, I noticed a card from a mutual female friend of ours (let's call her Helen) - very flirty and clearly referring to a hotel along the lines of 'don't go there again'. The word 'again' has stuck in my mind. I asked him what this meant and he said 'no idea'. He then said the card was 'years old'. I couldn't remember seeing that card before but I had nowhere to put this information so even though I was disturbed by it, I let it go. Then later that day when I was home, I received an email from Helen, hoping I'd had a great Christmas and chatting about seeing an actress friend of hers in a play, in a regional theatre, a few hours from where she (Helen) lives. My heart began crashing because the location of the theatre was on the train route which went past this hotel that my DP had 'no idea' about. The three weeks during which the play was on (so the time that my DP and Helen might have seen each other) I didn't see DP at all because I was so busy. And I knew that train route so well because I used to use that train route all the time when visiting my mother in hospital.

Helen and I have been close for several years. I'm fond of her husband and her teenage children. I love her company and I can't bear to think she might have betrayed me.

Putting the email and the card together put my friend and my DP together. I knew it was all circumstantial but my instincts were telling me something was up. DP said he had phoned Helen and (surprise) she couldn't remember making this reference to this hotel either. Surely I couldn't believe that 'he or she would betray me like this' etc etc.

I rang the hotel but neither of their names was on the hotel's list going back the whole of that year.

Not wanting to snoop (and to be honest it would be difficult because we don't live together) I asked him for access to his phone records which would reassure me. He texted that he would two days ago. I've heard nothing since.

I've heard nothing from Helen either although DP says he has spoken to her on the phone. If DP suspected me and I had the means to prove my innocence I would want to end his distress asap and hand over my phone records like a shot. He hasn't which says he has something to hide. Either that or he is angry with me for 'questioning' him and is punishing me. But that would be such a shitty thing to do.

Oh an his previous marriage ended when he had an affair with a friend of his (then) wife.

Please help. I'm feeling blank and physically cold. The script as I understand it is deny deny, then when you can't deny any more, minimise. We're still on denial.

[Binders1]

Hope you're ok too Saggingninja.

[cappy123]

Imperial he had an affair with ONE of his wife's friends. He also had a few one night stands. (This is what he told me). It was before he met me.

If he goes all arsey about me 'not trusting him' then I don't care. He has fucked around within his marriage (yes before he met me) but BECAUSE he won't talk to me or show me these records I am now beginning to think - maybe he has had other shags I just haven't found out about.

^This. I think you know what to do

[kittybiscuits]

Hope you're okay ninja

[whoreandpeace]

Noeuf, the timeline totally does add up. But we are not here to challenge OP's facts, we are here to support her. Put your ego away please.

[SouthWestmom]

I am really stunned to be deleted. I often fudge my children's ages on here and the timeline you've posted doesn't add up so I asked for clarity. I won't repeat the maths as it'll probably get deleted again. I've contacted mumsnet to explain.

[Enoughalreadyyou]

Have a good an evening ad you can. I really hope you don't see him. Be prepared for him to start bombarding you in the next few days. You are very impressive. Your instincts were spot on. You have handled it really well.

[whoreandpeace]

Hope you've blocked Helen too, Ninja? I'd give her one last text to tell her just what you think of her and then block her. And perhaps wind her up a bit with 'hope you are going to speak to your DH before I have to?' Nothing like a bit of cold revenge.....

You must feel so lonely. Have you got RL friends you can talk to? Or parents? I think you need someone to give you a hug and help you down the coffee. Please look after yourself xxx

[Jan45]

It will start to get better each day OP, stay strong, keep busy and remember what you are worth, a lot more than this crap.

[loveyoutothemoon]

You are so much better off without him and soon you will start to get over it and wonder why you were with him. x

[Saggingninja]

53, WhoreandPeace is right. My DD had a lovely childminder when she was five months old. I was fully freelance then and had a book to finish.

As I said I texted him yesterday and said it was over. I've been working from home all day and heard nothing. But I've blocked him anyway.

Going out for a walk in minute. Hoping that this is as shit as it gets because I can't remember feeling so broken before.

[Duckdeamon]

Probably v sensible not to see him.

He might well turn up though!

I doubt you'll cave in actually: the odds of this being the only time he's cheated, and him being honest about Helen and others, are not in his favour. He has plenty of opportunity to see other people. So what'd the point be?

[53rdAndBird]

I was also confused about the daughter's age. Maybe OP was fudging timespans/ages a bit in case someone on here recognised her?

At any rate it looks like the cheating partner hasn't been in any kind of parenting role for OP's daughter, so hopefully it won't be too disruptive for her. (Not that it makes the cheating partner any less of a shit for cheating.)

[whoreandpeace]

Noeuf, single working mums (in fact most working mums) need childcare and there are brilliant day nurseries out there who will look after your baby from 3 months old if you wish. So it is perfectly possible that at one years old OP's daughter was in a day nursery when she met her P.

[hellsbellsmelons]

And how do I stop myself from crying and screaming at him tomorrow?
I've no idea - as you can see from my previous post I was a hysterical wreck!
I really wish I hadn't been but I don't think was anything I could have done to prevent it.
When you've loved someone for 15 years and then find out you've been betrayed in the most awful way possible just means that feelings will take over.
Do what you need to do. It's is cry, scream, name call, thump his chest multiple times, I don't think you can really hold that back.
Maybe you can. Hopefully you are stronger than me.
I didn't have MN during my split. I really wish I had.

Good luck today. Well done for finishing it and blocking him.
I really really feel for you.

[Serenelight]

I admire you for your reaction and follow-through. If it were only a one night stand and if either one were ashamed why would Helen send a card, and why would he keep the card. Clear indication on both sides that they have no regrets and that the intention was to keep it up. Stay strong and get all the support you can.

[whoreandpeace]

Good luck OP. Remember, he will promise you the earth, say whatever he thinks he needs to say to keep the status quo (lovely DP who is loyal to him whilst he has the ability to play the field with whomsoever he pleases, particularly likes scoring with friends, makes the game more edgier) but a leopard does not change its spots, it really doesn't. He can say and promise all he wants, but he will do this again if he gets the chance so please see through all his begging and sobbing.

You sound such a lovely person and there are gorgeous men out there who would just love to meet someone as together as you.

[NanaNina]

Oh ninja I'm really sorry that 2 and 2 did actually make 4. Just seen your post that you've texted that it's over. Not sure if you told him not to come, but you do want to see him and I can understand that. I don't know what you want (and maybe you don't either) but it's a double whammy isn't it - your DP and a close friend (assume ex friend) that's unforgiveable in my book. I see bjrc has advise that you cancel which will really rattle him even if you want to see him - is that what you're doing?

If you do see him, I hope you won't accept the "one night stand" line as that won't be the truth and they've probably cooked that up between them to get their stories straight. You mention that you are going over and over what happened in the past and that's perfectly natural in your situation and there isn't a way you can just turn off your feelings (would that we could) As for screaming and shouting if you see him tomorrow - why not. It's probably what I'd do - well no probably about it!

Take care

[Goodbetterbest]

As another who has been there I just wanted to say good luck and stay strong.

[Enoughalreadyyou]

Also that bombarding you with texts was so that he could carry on doing what he wanted. He wanted you to reply and know where you were and what you were doing so that he didn't get found out. Twat.

[Enoughalreadyyou]

Please don't see him. He'll only minimise and drive you crazy. They usually try to turn it on you. Give yourself time to compose your thoughts. You are in shock now and will be for a while.
He doesn't deserve to talk to you.

[magoria]

I don't know if anyone has mentioned yet.

You need to consider STI tests. Unfortunately you don't know if this is a one off or if he has been playing fast and lose with your sexual health for the whole of your relationship

This is why I feel personally her H should know what she has been doing too. I understand if you don't want to think about that right now though.

He is a stupid undeserving of you individual.

[Saggingninja]

I do want to see him.

But I've just texted him to say it's over and blocked him. If he came over I'd probably give in.

thanks for all the help.x

[bjrce]

Have to say op. I really do agree with the two pp. Why on earth are you going to meet him when you are feeling so upset and vulnerable.
Take back control. You are in no state to meet him right now.
Suit yourself. Cancel the meeting, let him sweat. Fuck him and her, he doesn't get to dictate when he gets to talk to you and fill you with his bullshit.
It will really rattle him if you cancel. ( even if you really want to see him)

[summerwinterton]

I agree - do not go and meet him. Why ever would you. It is over whatever shite he comes out with. Tell Helen's husband and then walk away. And most definitely block them on your phone and everywhere online.