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Is revenge ever a good idea??

(65 Posts)
ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:22:08

Hello all

Myself and my partner were trying for a baby that we both wanted at the same time he was cheating on me with an irish girl. I found out when I was pregnant, he couldn't provide a reason, he wanted to see her as well as me, he got me pregnant as "he wanted me in his life".

I was in a vulnerableb position as I moved from scotland to london to be with him and was living in his parents house and my family live aboard.

As he kept telling me he loved me and agreed not to contact the girl, we decided to start again. I contacted the girl who stared that she didn't know he had kids and partner, and apologised and would not contact him anymore. I deleted all her contact details from his fb, phone, email etc.

You probably guessed-he lied, told me he couldn't stop talking to her, said he still wanted me. As he works in a hotel he met her whilst she was a guest, he went onto the hotel system and took her details through her payment details and booking ( I found the paper) !! He told me how he has been lying to her to get him to fall for him then tell her the truth etc. I lost the plot, I'd been financially supporting his whole family and put his sister through uni. previous to this I had 3 miscarriages, I can't explain how much pain my hear was in- he utterly and completely betrayed me and was talking to me like I was his councillor.

I messaged the girl- he assaulted me when he found out, he was arrested but before that he fled scene with all my id, bank cards etc.

Fast forward 5 days, I moved out the first couple of days were tough. I couldn't stop crying, I was scared and missed him terribly I slept with his shirt on. Then I realised that over the last 2 weeks (since i first found out) I have been breaking my heart over an individual who utterly unaffected, unfeeling with not the slightest remorse for what they have done.

He has now sent me a text to say he wants nothing to do with the baby, his irish bit on the side sent me a screen shot of their messages discussing how they plan to start a family and how their child would be so special. I think about the baby, I think about the way he pushed for the pregnancy and has now rejected it.

I think about the questions our child will ask, his family stand by him as he's "the man". He won't give me the money he owes me, or any maintainence but can pay for this girls plane tickets and £500 phone bills- and whilst I live in shared accommodation with a stranger he is having a ball!

I could take his life apart as he has taken mine, he doesn't pay tax, he works as 2 jobs but has not declared one to the other- one of them affects his ability to do the other.
I could show the paper to the hotel chain manager, his family has been protecting him so nobody knows 2 hat he gas done and I feel like what's happened is insignificant to them.

so....... is revenge ever a good idea or should I rise above it??

CarcerDun Sun 15-Nov-15 09:30:21

OP it sounds like you've been through a dreadful time and are very vulnerable at the moment. I think you'd be best to focus on yourself and your baby rather than revenge. Your revenge can be moving on to better things with your head held high. I hope that someone will be along soon with some practical solutions to help you move on.

alicemalice Sun 15-Nov-15 09:34:35

Contact the Child Maintenance Service who will get the maintenance for you. He has a legal obligation to pay this - not optional for him.

I'm sure a lot of the tax discrepancies will be uncovered during that process but that's by the by.

He sounds like an utter cunt. He's not getting away with anything though, he's still the same cunt wherever he goes.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 15-Nov-15 09:37:01

Revenge means that you're still stewing about what the other person has done, rather than moving on to joy and contentment in your own life, independent of what does or doesn't happen to another. That's why it's usually not advisable : it means you are hanging on to the ugliness of the past. And letting it determine your present state of mind .

mintoil Sun 15-Nov-15 09:37:23

Any revenge that affects his finances will affect you OP, remember that.

Keep your powder dry and make plans for yourself and your baby. He will have to pay 15% of his take home pay for his child. He sounds ike such an abusive violent loser, you should be glad he doesn't want anything to do with your child.

You will be a mother soon enough, and that will change your perspective entirely. Stop thinking about him and her, and think about yourself and your own future. Make a plan! Good luck.

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:37:38

I feel so angry that I spent all this time with him I'm trying to reconcile the person who I thought he was to the person he is now.
He said now that I'm pregnant no guy would come near me and his mother expects that I should go it alone!!!!

alicemalice Sun 15-Nov-15 09:38:09

Oh and the following proverb may be of use:

'Before you embark on a plan of revenge, dig 2 graves'

I always liked it, it boils down to... if you seek revenge, it will hurt you as well.

But seeking maintenance is not seeking revenge.

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:39:57

Hi mint oil, the problem is as his earnings are undeclared he won't pay me anything. The csa are unable to assist as he has to register himself as self employed with the hmrc which he hasn't done.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 15-Nov-15 09:42:00

If it's to get him to declare hus earnings, then it's not revenge: it's safeguarding your child's financial welfare.

ThoughtfulPenny Sun 15-Nov-15 09:42:45

I'm going to disagree with the others. I would absolutely 100% drop him in the shit & I'd enjoy it too.

alicemalice Sun 15-Nov-15 09:43:17

Yes you need to report him for undeclared earnings.

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:43:32

Thank you all I will endeavour to focus more on the baby but it's difficult as I can't stop thinking about the babys future. The questions I will have to answer when he/she is older, how will a lack of a father affect her?

it doesn't help that the irish girl is hounding me with screen shots of them in bed etc.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 15-Nov-15 09:44:13

Do what you need to do to secure your child's best interests. That's important and reasonable.

Don't do anything to exact "revenge". That's fruitless.

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:44:42

when i block het she keeps changing her number and or facebook acc.

alicemalice Sun 15-Nov-15 09:46:07

Tell her if she does it again, you'll contact the police.

She's harassing you.

mintoil Sun 15-Nov-15 09:47:09

penny would you really do that even if that would impact your baby? OP is living in shared accommodation and it sounds like she is struggling financially - if she drops him in it he may have less money for the baby.

OP you need to get to the point where you don't give a shit about what he is doing. How is this girl sending you stuff? Block her, block him.

Every time you find yourself thinking of him, tell yourself off and force yourself to think of something else. I know it's hard, honestly I do, but you can do it and you have your lovely baby to look forward to.

alicemalice Sun 15-Nov-15 09:47:29

Here's how you report tax evasion

www.gov.uk/report-an-unregistered-trader-or-business

LetGoOrBeDragged Sun 15-Nov-15 09:49:46

I too would absolutely drop him in the shit. He is a liar, a cheat and a thief.

Tax is not optional - I don't see why he should get away with not paying any while the rest of the country has to. People like him are directly costing us money.

His employer should be made aware of what his is up to.

I think you have nothing to lose - men like this wriggle out of child support all the time. I think if you do nothing you are colluding in him treating you like a doormat.

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:53:24

mintoil and penny,
I'm financially struggling at the moment as I just paid out a huge sum of money for our wedding - which I had to cancel.

Because he took ALL of my id I had to move into dogey shared accommodation. Once I have reapplied for all my id it will be a different matter. I financially am the stronger one of the two, I have a very well paid job and can manage on my own. its just that I expect him to be a father and contribute!!! but hes already told me he won't. He owes me £25,000- I now realise he had no intention of ever paying this back.

Anomaly Sun 15-Nov-15 09:53:33

I'm another who would drop him in it. If you want to play the system to avoid tax then treat people how you would wish to be treated, if you don't you can hardly be surprised when they drop you in it.

I would report the OW for harassment now.
That's not revenge that's asserting you right not to be harassed.

He's already assaulted you, what's happening with his arrest?

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:54:31

I feel so stupid

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 15-Nov-15 09:57:29

Do you have any record of the money he owes you? Would it be possible to take it to the small claims court? Perhaps after you have had the baby and sorted maintenance etc though, so that it doesn't cause issues with that.

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 09:58:11

Hi Anomaly,

The police didn't pursue the case- he was let go and came straight back to his mother's house.

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 10:00:38

Hello Markruffulocrumble,

I do have some records I just never thought I would need to keep them- we had been together for 7 years and we're getting married etc. I loved and trusted him

ezeta2 Sun 15-Nov-15 10:03:04

As I'm shifting through paperwork I'm beginning to realise how deceitful he has been sad

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