Is revenge ever a good idea??

[ezeta2]

Hello all

Myself and my partner were trying for a baby that we both wanted at the same time he was cheating on me with an irish girl. I found out when I was pregnant, he couldn't provide a reason, he wanted to see her as well as me, he got me pregnant as "he wanted me in his life".

I was in a vulnerableb position as I moved from scotland to london to be with him and was living in his parents house and my family live aboard.

As he kept telling me he loved me and agreed not to contact the girl, we decided to start again. I contacted the girl who stared that she didn't know he had kids and partner, and apologised and would not contact him anymore. I deleted all her contact details from his fb, phone, email etc.

You probably guessed-he lied, told me he couldn't stop talking to her, said he still wanted me. As he works in a hotel he met her whilst she was a guest, he went onto the hotel system and took her details through her payment details and booking ( I found the paper) !! He told me how he has been lying to her to get him to fall for him then tell her the truth etc. I lost the plot, I'd been financially supporting his whole family and put his sister through uni. previous to this I had 3 miscarriages, I can't explain how much pain my hear was in- he utterly and completely betrayed me and was talking to me like I was his councillor.

I messaged the girl- he assaulted me when he found out, he was arrested but before that he fled scene with all my id, bank cards etc.

Fast forward 5 days, I moved out the first couple of days were tough. I couldn't stop crying, I was scared and missed him terribly I slept with his shirt on. Then I realised that over the last 2 weeks (since i first found out) I have been breaking my heart over an individual who utterly unaffected, unfeeling with not the slightest remorse for what they have done.

He has now sent me a text to say he wants nothing to do with the baby, his irish bit on the side sent me a screen shot of their messages discussing how they plan to start a family and how their child would be so special. I think about the baby, I think about the way he pushed for the pregnancy and has now rejected it.

I think about the questions our child will ask, his family stand by him as he's "the man". He won't give me the money he owes me, or any maintainence but can pay for this girls plane tickets and £500 phone bills- and whilst I live in shared accommodation with a stranger he is having a ball!

I could take his life apart as he has taken mine, he doesn't pay tax, he works as 2 jobs but has not declared one to the other- one of them affects his ability to do the other.
I could show the paper to the hotel chain manager, his family has been protecting him so nobody knows 2 hat he gas done and I feel like what's happened is insignificant to them.

so....... is revenge ever a good idea or should I rise above it??

You need to change your phone number and shut down your FB account. I know you shouldn't have to but practically this is what you need to do to move on but I sense you aren't ready to do that but you know you must for your own sanity.
I was in exactly same position as you. But I went home to my parents and started over. Rented a house before baby was born and had everything in place within 6 weeks. Is this an option?

You need to make sure the assault has been officially recorded. I know he says now he doesn't want anything to do with the baby but that could change. A man who assaults a pregnant woman is not fit to parent. In fact I'd be questioning why the police didn't pursue it.

Can you ring 101 and report the theft of your ID and documents. I would worry what he is planning to do with them and identity fraud is serious.

They may not be able to do anything legally if he's not committed a crime but he may hand them over if the police are there.

Dear mumsnetters, thankyou all for your advice. It's comforting to know that you all out there and have an understanding of what I'm going through.

It's ridiculous to me that everything we have worked he has thrown away for someone he barely knows. That when I feel the baby kick and move inside me in bed and I turn think hes still behind me to touch my stomach I realise hes not. He's "our" bed at his parents house with her.
His family that I loved as my own and would have done anything for have now turned their back on me because the police were called.I cannot move to be with my parents as they live guyana and healthcare there is terrible. I will eventually get a place of my own.

Hi atsea1979,

as you went through something similar to me i was wondering if you coild pleade tell me how is your relationship with ex and how did you handle it all?? does he take an interest in the child?

Hi tooshyshyhushhush and Anomaly,
the police are aware he stole my id and the assault was officially recorded. ad he assaulted me on the street someone actually videoed it and handed it to the police too.

It's all so humiliating

Not sure if you are aware, but MN has a legal section, where you migt be able to get some advice regarding the money side of things etc.

Also some solicitors will offer half an hour free legal advice. That might be some help to you

Hello letgoorbedragged thank you I will check out the legal section.

and perhaps invest in a voodoo doll. xxxxxxx

Wow, you sound incredibly strong, although I guess you don't necessarily feel it.
I can't really add much as you have had some very sage advice. But I would certainly peruse the money you lent him. And I would shop him for working cash in hand, if he doesn't pay tax he'll get away with not paying maintenance. Yes, it sounds like you can support this baby yourself but why the hell should you?!

Sorry if I missed it, when are you due?

I'll make you a voodoo doll, if you like?

Hello chitofftheshovel!

trust me it's an illusion I don't feel very strong I'm due in 5 months
Sometimes I think I'm doing ok then everything just hits me.
make make me a voodoo doll!!

I will shop him so to speak, for me it wasn't the fact that he cheated it was the callousness of it and the cowardice. The fact that I was paying for a phone ( without realising it) that he was using to talk to this girl. All the hospital apps he missed, his jealousy over any guy that came anywhere near me. The way he kept speaking about the baby. He even lied when I asked him out right. what hurts is his total dis respect and him saying to me "you have really hurt ( insert other wmoans name) by telling her what you did" he doesn't realise that it's him causing all the pain. when I first found out I was so shocked I was having what can only be described as contractions, I was taken to hospital and I was petrified hos whole family contact him and he never bothered to phone or show up. he's woven all this into my memory of being pregnant, and that I will never forgive.

In this situation, I would drop kick him right into the shit

You will never get any money off him anyway, so warnings that getting him in trouble will affect any maintenance are null and void

People like this should not get away with it. He has cheated you, but he cheats us all.

Shop him

I am going through cms at the moment. He hasn't paid a penny in 18 months and has no intention of. If they are determined not to pay, they won't pay. Cms took him to court last week which means bailiffs can call but they don't know where he is living. They have very little power when the absent parent is deceitful and totally unscrupulous. Don't bank on ever getting a penny I'm afraid. I have five dc and work full time. I am working for my sanity rather than financial gain. Dropping him in it with HMRC won't hurt you if he has no intention of paying you anyway, however my experience is that most official bodies don't give a damn. You will be fine, because you have to be for the sake of the baby. You will form an incredible bond with that baby and you won't have to share that relationship with an arsehole. There's a lot to be said for that. Focus on you and your future. He is no longer relevant.

Hello whateverloser,

I wish men came with health warnings! He doesn't want to and won't pay so I will approach hmrc.

your statement about home being I irrelevant is definitely resonating with me. And I suppose that what it comes down to in the end he is utterly irrelevant.

REVENGE, REVENGE, REVENGE my dear- and I will quite gladly hold your hand in celebration of the outcome- I'm going through the same and unless you've been there, you don't know how much it hurts and takes out of you.

Your best revenge will be bringing your child up by yourself and having a long happy, safe life.

Shop him for his tax evasion, speak to the hotel where he got the OW details from. Because they could get into a lot of trouble for him breaking data protection laws, I'm talking about them being fined £20K plus in fines.

As long as your safety is assured, drop this fucker into the biggest pile of shit you can find.

You might want to hold fire on the tax evasion and DPA breaches, though, until you've seen a solicitor about the possibility of realistically re-claiming what he owes you.

However if he has no assets (no house, no car, lots of undeclared income) then pursuing that is probably hopeless too, sadly.

Don't worry about your baby missing out on having this eejit in their life. Surround yourself with strong role models of both sexes (grandparents, aunties and uncles, close friends) and they will not go wanting.

I would shop him too, also change your mobile, make your facebook as private as possible and report any contact from him or his vile gf to the police. And look after yourself and stop worrying. Your baby will be just fine with you as its mother, I am very sure of that as you sound just great. He is never going to be a good influence on a child's life, so I really think him having nothing to do with the baby is doing you and her a huge favour.

I wouldn't think of it as revenge
Declare his fraud to hmrc- being a good citizen and in theory forcing him to declare earnings so he can be made to support his child (don't hold your breath though)
Report his breach of data protection rules to the hotel he works for to protect other guests who trust the hotel with their details
Report whatever issue it is which prevents him doing both jobs for public safety
Report her to the police for harassment because she's committing a crime
Take him to small claims for the money he owes you

All completely reasonable acts and not revenge - but they may make you feel a bit better anyway

Oh good. If you've got 5 months left until birth it sounds like you have enough time to set yourself up. As a single mum I can assure you it is easier on your own than with a dick.
Can the police not get your documents back?
And how much RL life support do you have? asking for help is a strength, not a weekness.
Take care

Hey ezeta I agree with others but wouldn't see it as revenge, it's the right thing to do and it sounds like you won't get much from him whether you do it or not.
What RL support do you have? I'm 24 weeks pregnant, found out H was cheating when I was 18 weeks. It tore my world apart and the rage I have is so immense.
I have a DS also and although I know him and DS2 will be without the family unit I originally envisioned they will most definitely be loved by myself, friends and family. Gather support and talk to others, don't let him see what he's done. I've found that being calm and diplomatic with STBXH has had the desired effect, he can see I'm fine without him and that really is the best revenge.
You and your LO will be fine, you don't need anymore love than what that little bundle will give you and vice versa.
Good luck

In my experience, if you put too much importance on getting even, you will end up disappointed. I had a few legal/ police things and data protection breaches with my ex and each time, I thought - I will feel better once this is over- but you don't really. With all of it though you have to find your own way and it all takes time. I'm 18 months on and things I was told a year ago, about moving on and not caring, are true now, but a year ago, I did care and I was hurt and angry ( I had just given birth when he left). Don't go out of your way to cause him harm, but tell the truth about him, by all means, but don't expect it to make you feel better, because it probably won't. Time and focussing on the good things in your life will make you feel better.

yeah i'd dob him in.

I would drop him in it without a second thought and I'd enjoy every minute of it

The best revenge is to live the best life you can for you and your baby. Live well and don't look back. Be glad that you found out when you did and didn't ensure years of this.