Need your advice please :(

[Wibhay]

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

[coffeeisnectar]

Can you look at a 4 bed? This is a very common argument with sc about them having their own rooms but I think if they are only there one or two nights a fortnight it seems crazy to have your baby not having a room.

Do not buy anything until this is resolved. Talk to the kids and ask if they would prefer to share with each other or the baby.

[ImperialBlether]

Do you really think he's the right man to have children with? It doesn't look like it from here.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Your parents will be staying with you every other weekend?

Why?

I agree that your baby should have a full-time room. His kids can easily share, especially if the daughter doesn't even come!

Are you sure he wants more kids? He doesn't sound like he wants more kids.

[Wibhay]

Hi coffeeisnectar thanks for your reply xx the house could be extended but this takes time and money. My partner said it is illegal for his children to share a room as they are of opposite sex and that the mum will use this as an excuse for them not to see him. I don't have a problem with them sharing with the baby but the ideal of having to decorate a room half and half seems a bit much. I'm starting to feel he wants this house for him and his kids and I am just a source of money for that :(

[Wibhay]

Ok so maybe my parents won't be staying every other weeken but I want them to be a part of my life as I feel bad moving even further away from them. My idea was that it would be our house for our family and not just his house for him and his kids

[coffeeisnectar]

Then don't do it. It seems like he's using you. How long have you been together? Do you get on with his dc? Where do you all live just now?

[Wibhay]

We have been together 4 years. Yes I get on with his children. He currently has a one bed flat and so do I.

[ImperialBlether]

I think you'd be much happier if you had a baby with someone who didn't have children and who didn't feel he was compromising by having a child with you. I wouldn't be planning a child with him and I would be buying a house with him, either. There are plenty of men who you can be happy with; there are serious problems with this relationship at a time when it should be really happy and exciting.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well he sounds like a catch!?
Don't go into anything with him until you are entirely happy that your baby will have it's own room and that your OH is happy and excited about having a baby with you.
If that doesn't happen then this is not going to work out long term.

[Wibhay]

Hi imperialblether thanks for your reply. I agree with what your saying although it is sad to hear :( I'm just worried I won't find anyone else. If I've totally over reacted to the situation I'd rather someone told me.

[ProfGrammaticus]

Kids that age sharing a room with a baby won't work at all.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You have NOT totally overreacted to the situation.
This does NOT sound good!!

[Wibhay]

I know I have my faults and am not perfect but I just can't see how this is all my fault :(

[hellsbellsmelons]

Who said it's your fault?
If it's him then that's another red flag flying right there!
Don't ignore them.
You get one shot at this life.
Don't 'settle'
You are still young. Please don't believe this is all you are worth.
You are worth the very best. He doesn't sound like the very best I'm afraid.

[MajesticWhine]

Don't commit to anything until you have discussed this with him a lot more. Decorating rooms half and half sounds daft. Don't agree to it. He doesn't sound too sure about having more children and it is something that requires 100% commitment. Are you protected financially if you pool your money with him for a house? Your instinct is telling you something here.

[Costacoffeeplease]

He doesn't sound ready to have more children, if that's a deal breaker for you, then there doesn't seem any point staying together

A baby and a much older child in the same room will not work, does he want his children disturbed by a crying baby? Or a toddler touching all their things? I don't think he's thought this through at all - I'd be reassessing my priorities, and probably the relationship

[LeaLeander]

God, don't do this to your future child! Don't burden it with a father who thinks he is doing you a favor to sire it. Please!! Any child you eventually bear deserves far better. Or do you want it to be born virtually guaranteed low self esteem?

Bedrooms are the least of your worries, I'm afraid. Can you get some counseling before further tying yourself to this man?

[Wibhay]

I would be putting in £80,000 and he would only be putting in £20,000 so I said I wanted a declaration of trust drawn up which he agreed to. I am just gutted that he used the phrase "well I've compromised to by saying I'll have more kids" :( I love this man so much but it's now making me ill with worry and I feel everything is on his terms. As pathetic as it sounds we even discussed getting 2 dogs later on down the line and him and his son have already chosen the names" :( sorry just a bit emotional right now

[Costacoffeeplease]

Babies and two dogs?? He sounds like he's in cloud cuckoo land, time for a reality check, I think

[Twinklestein]

He doesn't really want more kids does he? He's just hoping it's not going to happen.

Because babies and older children sharing a room ain't going to work.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think the scales are falling from eyes with this 'man'
Please please think really hard before tying yourself to this person for the rest of your life.
Once you've bought a house together it is so much harder to get away.
Do you have a friend or family member you can discuss this with?
I think you need some real life input.
You might be surprised how much people have already seen right through him.
Moving you away from family is a very controlling act.

[LeaLeander]

Do you really love a selfish, hurtful person like that? Or do you just cling in desperation because you fear being alone?

To be blunt you have a large chunk of money that is about to be used for HIS benefit. Once his clutches are on it do you see his behavior improving? I do not, I'm afraid.

You are independent now. Why tie down to a misery dick? There are plenty of men out there for you.

[Goingbacktomyroots]

He doesn't really want a child with you does he op? He does want you to finance a new home though.

And a teenager sharing with a baby is madness. Good job you are having these conversations now before you are tied to him any further.

It sounds like you want completely different things.

[Wibhay]

Thanks everyone for your advice. Much appreciated x

[AmyC86]

Wibhay,

Emotional rollercoster of emotions is on the cards right now, but its better now, than 12 months down the line and a 100k mortgage to think about. Your still young and have plenty of opportunity to have a family with the right man. Have you always visioned having a child within a partnership? who said that you had to do it with someone, plenty of people go it alone now and are able to manage with supportive family.

You said earlier that you wanted to be nearer to parents, why don't you move closer to them? I can see you very happy in a two bed roomed house with your DC and a Labrador around the corner from your parents living the life of your dreams.

As for your relationship, it does sound very much like it's you moving in with him and his children, not you both buying your own house and having guests to stay. Imagine your DC being a girl and being housed in a bedroom which is decorated half and half with a 16 year old step sibling, it's something that really won't work.

My SIL is in a newish relationship, both her and her partner have 2 children each, 2 girls both 12 (within 6 weeks of each other) 2 boys, 1, 9 and 1, 3. Both my SIL and her DP have both said that they'd not consider the upheavel of both family's by moving in together, as both sets of kids would have to share rooms which is totally unreasonable, and that's with girls of exactly the same age and boys with smaller gap than your children would have with your partners 2.

I would seriously consider your options, i know that you love this man dearly, but is it what you want?