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Partner has new relationship

(357 Posts)
NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 12:46:35

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

Marmaladybird Sun 25-Oct-15 12:55:28

What are you doing. Get out and away from this pig by any means possible.

Don't give him cuddles. Don't give him your time. Don't go on holiday with him.

It's hard but you'll never get past the hard part until you cut it all off at the root. He needs to go properly.

None of this is your fault but people treat us how we allow them to. Put your foot down, you'll feel stronger for it.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Oct-15 12:59:09

Dear God.

summerwinterton Sun 25-Oct-15 13:07:58

you are trapped by your own unwillingness to end it - nothing more.

You are not a bad mother for your breakdown, but you are if you stay with this monster and subject your kids to one more day of his vile treatment of you.

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:09:15

I can't get out. My kids won't budge. Even though they really dislike their dad, this is home and they are settled in school. I give in to cuddles because I'm incredibly lonely and for some stupid reason I miss him. My mum thinks I suffer with as aspergers syndrome.

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:13:08

I don't quite understand why he won't leave either if he's so miserable yet he wants to work towards marriage with OW. Or so he says.

Savagebeauty Sun 25-Oct-15 13:17:43

Have you no self respect?
Sod what the kids want...they are witnessing a horrible relationship which will do them no good.
Can you go to your mums? Leave the kids with him?

gamerchick Sun 25-Oct-15 13:29:44

But you and the kids don't have to leave, is it his house?

You need a plan and work towards freeing yourself. You have nothing to lose if you're unwilling to leave yet have you? At least sort out an exit for when it clicks in your head.

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:35:22

Yes its his house and he tells us he's never moving out. He said he will never abandon his kids but he rarely spends any time with them. Isn't interested anymore.

StickyProblem Sun 25-Oct-15 13:35:48

He wants to have his cake and eat it Nathalie, that's why you are keeping his bed and family warm while he gets started with OW. Don't think for a minute that he wants "cuddles" from you because he cares about you. He is a selfish uncaring manchild who is only thinking about his home comforts and his dick.
Make plans to separate and get him out of there, or to get you and the kids into a new place. Once it suits him he will move OW in and you really need to have some more options by then. flowers

summerwinterton Sun 25-Oct-15 13:36:21

well if you leave he won't want the kids staying with him and ruining his new romance. You tell the kids you are going and that is it. This is not their choice.

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:39:48

He won't move her into the family Home. It's a complete shit hole. He'd be too embarrassed. It's falling apart. He would have to completely redo everything. They have been together around a year I've found out.

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:42:52

It's not all about sex in their relationship. I'm not sure where she lives but he can't stay over with her there. He just picks her up from work and they have dinner then he goes to cash up at his shop blah blah then comes home around 1 -2 am. They stay in hotels at the weekend.

magoria Sun 25-Oct-15 13:43:51

This is massively damaging your children. To the stage where they are already having counselling at school.

You cannot give them the choice. It is an adult decision.

You DD is going to grow up and accept this shit from men because at the moment you are teaching her this is what relationships are.

Do better for her and yourself.

Start the ball rolling to move you and them out.

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:45:39

I meant Stockholm syndrome not aspergers. Sorry

Arfarfanarf Sun 25-Oct-15 13:50:50

Please PLEASE get some to help to help you see that this is not a normal or sustainable way to live.
You have rights. You can go to court and ask to be given the family home to live in until the children are grown.
You can move out. You are the grown up and children rely on you to make choices that are too hard for them to make. They do not need to live in the home at any cost. You do not want them to grow up thinking this is normal and recreating it in their own relationships.
You are not alone. You can get help to leave. You don't have to continue to choose to accept this. You have options.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 25-Oct-15 13:51:56

Your poor dc. I am not of any religious persuasion, but I hope to god that your dd is not blaming herself for having told you about her df's affair with his employee and helping you to get the ow's number from his phone.

I have no job and no money Is there any reason why you can't get a job and start earning money?

Tell him to take the ow on holiday because you don't want the poor deluded cow her to feel insecure and book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in family law and offers a free initial consultation as, although you're not married to the twunt, you may be able to claim an interest in your home as it could be argued that you have contributed to its purchase/upkeep by caring for his dc in order that he could make his fortune work.

Furthermore, you can apply on behalf of the dc for a share of the property under the Children Act 1989 and it could be that he'll be ordered to leave.

I'm trapped That's not only rubbish, it's the type of self-defeating rubbish that will blight your dcs future relationships with the opposite sex unless you get your act together and lead by example as a strong and capable woman.

Hundeds of thousands of women have had to start over after leaving philandering twunts and there's no reason whatsoever why you can't do what they've done.

ShamefulUsername Sun 25-Oct-15 13:53:29

What a sad post. Nathalie you really have to start getting angry about this.

How fucking dare he treat you and your children like this? How would you like your daughter to be in a relationship like this?

I'd start by telling your mum everything. In fact, I'd tell everyone who'll listen what a cunt he's being. Get some rl support and get out of there. It's already affecting your health and I guarantee it'll have long lasting impact on your dc.

Please please get out flowers

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:53:35

It's still feels so raw. I just keep hoping his relationship will end.

NuttyNathalie Sun 25-Oct-15 13:56:36

I really don't feel strong enough to leave.

gamerchick Sun 25-Oct-15 13:58:50

And what, so you win the prize? Yay sad

I'm sorry man, he's never going to give you what you want. He'll just replace her and you'll go through it all again.

ShamefulUsername Sun 25-Oct-15 13:59:37

By the sounds of it, he emotionally checked out of your relationship a long time ago. Could being on your own really be any worse than the way you're living now?

You'll be surprised just how strong you can be once you make the decision to better the lives of you and your children.

gamerchick Sun 25-Oct-15 14:00:17

You don't have to leave yet if you don't feel able too. Just make a plan and get your ducks in a row anyway. Where's the harm in that?

Arfarfanarf Sun 25-Oct-15 14:01:09

What would help you to feel strong enough?
Living like this will only make you weaker and weaker until you break. Can you get help to find the ability to leave?
If you can get help to believe that you are worth more than this, you may feel differently.
If you don't feel 'strong' * enough to leave for yourself, can you find it to save your children from growing up and suffering this because it's been their normality in childhood?

* strength is a bad word really because it implies current weakness and in terrible situations great strength is needed simply to survive, leaving little or no energy for change

pocketsaviour Sun 25-Oct-15 14:04:02

Get legal advice on monday, on the lines of the very useful post above by goddess

You said he is very controlling. Can you have a look at this page and say if you recognise any of these behaviours?
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