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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this equal in our marriage? Need people I don't know to give their advice.

55 replies

Millie3030 · 18/07/2015 10:05

Hi I was hoping to gain some opinions from you about this issue I have with my DH.

I'm quite creative and like to paint, make things and have made a few things for my house, my DH isn't artistic and prefers to buy things for the house from a shop. He is also quite particular and likes things a certain way so when I have in the past created 2 paintings for the lounge he made it quite clear he didn't like them, suggested we replace them with paintings from a shop and in heated discussion about decorating said "I have to put up with these pieces of shit on the wall" now these paintings were A3 quite simple and modern and had a flower design on them nothing crazy or offensive. We then replaced them with similar paintings in colour and design from a shop, as much as it hurt me to do so.

Now this also happened when I wanted to decorate our DS's nursery, I had an idea of some things I wanted to do, bunting, lampshade, frame with different colours and photographs in it (again nothing crazy) and he was quite against it and wanted to just buy a set of room stuff from mamas and papas. I have explained that I have a creative job and that I would like to do some things creative in my home, again another argument with him saying "I will be embarrassed to show my friends of family my sons nursery"

He says afterwards that he says things in the heat of the moment, but the paintings were not to his taste and he actually liked the nursery in the end. We do have one painting that he doesn't mind in the study, a little cast of my DS hand and a little painting on the landing that I feel he has 'allowed' rather than 'liked'.

Now the thing that bothers me is when he takes on DIY such as boxing in a radiator or build things in the garage, does something in the garden he wants me to notice, praise him, reward his efforts and basically make a fuss (he denies this but he is itching to show me and wants my feedback and will mention it again several times the following week) I have said I think he is great at DIY, electrics etc who needs a carpenter when we have him that sort of thing.

We had a bit of a row last night when looking at one of his latest projects where I said if this was the other way around you would grunt at me and barely look at what I did or call it a piece of shit. He then again said I didn't like those paintings I'm allowed to have an opinion, you are self centred to just create something for a lounge we share without consulting with me first. But what he has just built he specifically wouldn't show me beforehand as he wanted to do it his way.

So not talking today.... Please I need your honest opinions. Am I in the wrong? What do I do now?

OP posts:

happyh0tel · 18/07/2015 12:01

He is trying to control you

He knows you love to do creative things, so he is trying to stop you
He is trying to stop your enjoyment

If you start some other hobby, he will probably critisise that too (try another hobby & see what happens eg reading he will critisise the genre of books you like reading)

LumpySpacedPrincess · 18/07/2015 12:04

Don't show him the thread.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 18/07/2015 12:07

This's is the type of thing I created but in a different colour, nothing very daring, it just matched the lounge colours. 2 of them and not very big compared to the size of the wall. When I was painting them after work a colleague said she loved them and wanted them, so felt good but the response was a bit different from my DH.

Is this equal in our marriage? Need people I don't know to give their advice.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 18/07/2015 12:07

I feel very confined like I can't be as expressive as I want or create anything without his approval, he would say that is part of compromise and living with someone and that he should like what is going on the walls, and he shouldn't just have to put up with anything I make as he lives here too. Which I do understand and if I wanted art in every room, or big in your face artwork it has to appeal to people's taste but that's not really what I made or what my style is.

I personally don't like football, cricket, tennis, golf or any of the other bollocks my OH watches. However we are in a relationship and I've never disapprove so much that he felt he wouldn't watch it. He is controlling you as your actions of amending what you do are showing.

The fact that he turns into a squalling baby when you suggest his handiwork isn't up to scratch so that you are now also changing what you say about his work; shows his double standards. I'll bet you don't show your upset when he says this, but you keep your stiff upper lip and just get upset on your own.

What a guy! I'll bet he feels dead good about upsetting you.

firesidechat · 18/07/2015 12:17

It's not my sort of thing, but pictures like that can look lovely in the right house and they are sold in lots of shops, so must be popular. You also said he bought something similar, so it can't be the style he objected to.

He still sounds rude and unsupportive.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 18/07/2015 12:19

I think what I find difficult is he wants me to notice and praise his efforts which is difficult when I feel he doesn't do the same. It should be equal, he will probably say the painting example above is from 5 years ago so a bit ridiculous to bring that up now, when I brought it up last night he said I need to see a psychologist, ignored and went to bed as he will just get more angry/ridiculous.

I think he can be controlling, but I'm no wallflower and people wouldn't say I'm a pushover. But I feel like we do more things his way, things he wants, enjoys/approves. Not easy to explain this though as he will say that it's about compromise and always have an answer.

Why shouldn't I show him the thread lumpy?

OP posts:

cailindana · 18/07/2015 12:56

Implying you're mad is classic abusive behaviour. Did he ever genuinely apologise for how nasty he was about your paintings?

Roussette · 18/07/2015 13:09

I agree on not showing him the thread for all sorts of reasons.

The way I think is... he should be dead proud of you that you can produce something from your own hand good enough to go up on a wall. My DB's wife is very arty, her paintings are all over their house. Some are quite errrrrm 'different' IYSWIM I'm being polite here but my DB loves her and loves that she gets so much pleasure out of painting that he wants those paintings all over their house because it is her.

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2015 13:11

I really don't think you should show him the thread. You need a safe place from him - he'll just ask what any of us know, anyway.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 18/07/2015 13:11

It was a while ago so difficult to remember, so he may have said sorry I didn't mean to say they were shit but he was adamant he should agree on them before they go up, at the time it was my flat I had just bought myself, and he had moved in. So I was adamant back that I should be allowed my own artwork on my own walls in my own flat, but he wore me down in the end.

OP posts:

Roussette · 18/07/2015 13:13

It was your flat????

That is totally awful Millie. That was a battle that he was determined to win. And he did. You need to make a stand. Take OFF the bought pictures and put your own up. He should be proud of you and your artistic streak.

DoreenLethal · 18/07/2015 13:49

but he wore me down in the end.

As I said, what a guy. :(

Original poster

Millie3030 · 18/07/2015 13:58

We don't live there anymore have a house together now and those pictures are long gone. I do wish if I could go back I would have completely put my foot down.

OP posts:

PushingThru · 18/07/2015 14:05

If someone I loved painted & enjoyed being creative, I would love to see their artwork on the walls of the home we shared, much like I would love to see little kids' drawings put up. 'Taste' wouldn't even feature in that, although I'm sure your handiwork is lovely. This is so nasty and sad. It sounds like he's envious of your talent.

Sgtmajormummy · 18/07/2015 14:25

Maybe he thinks it's unmanly and embarassing to talk about stuff being sweet/pretty/artistic/cute/fun.

My DH is like that (he doesn't say it's a POS or that he hates something, though) who will only do creative "guys' stuff" like painting or flatpack. But then he's very proud of himself. He also thinks expensive/shop bought equates with better and that "If we can afford it, why do you want to make it?". I just laugh it off and do what I enjoy.

Leave him to his opinions. Don't accept controlling or insulting behaviour of ANY sort. Make what you like, put it where you like.

pocketsaviour · 18/07/2015 15:02

From the further info you've given, I think he's been critical of your work on purpose. I am guessing he feels jealous of, and threatened by, your creative abilities.

I do wish if I could go back I would have completely put my foot down.

Well, today would be a good day to start putting your foot down. Don't accept this crap any longer.

truthaboutlove · 18/07/2015 15:18

I think the pp who mentioned about control is spot on. It is restricting you and keeping you in your place.

My ex did this with one of my hobbies. He accumulated enough stuff for his hobbies to fill the whole attic space, a garage and a shed but my things weren't allowed out. When I kept them in boxes, he kept pushing to throw the boxes out. Just because it wasn't important to him. Selfish man.

I wouldn't show him this thread. He will still minimise his actions.

SurlyCue · 18/07/2015 16:47

I do wish if I could go back I would have completely put my foot down.

Do it now. Completely put your foot down now, from this day forward. Change what you accept. He can choose to behave how he likes an speak how he likes, but he doesnt get to choose whether you accept it or not. YOU do. Only you. He will not treat you better unless there is no other option. Give him no option but to treat you respectfully. No-one else will demand this for you, you have to do it for yourself.

He sounds like a jealous arse who cant cope with other people being better than him at anything, so he tells them they're not. My 6 year old grew out of that 2 years ago.

Muldjewangk · 18/07/2015 19:11

I paint and I think your painting is great. If you'd said you had bought everything you had created he would have a different attitude. Your DH is a fool, it's a pity you didn't see the red flags and toss him out of your flat in the early days of your relationship.

Next time he shows you his handiwork tell him it's very badly done and he should call in a professional to redo it.

CakeForBreakfast · 19/07/2015 10:18

To answer your OP title question, no your marriage is unequal in this respect.

He thinks his feelings/opinions are more valid than yours.

You said up thread you wished you had put your foot down a few years ago. Its not too late to start, and you don't have to be a ball breaker to be strong.

Something mn taught me with my own dh and his innate sense of more-validness, is never shy away from the hard conversations

loveyoutothemoon · 19/07/2015 10:27

What a nasty man! Don't let him control you, put them up-sod him. I know what it's like to live with a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting man, and I wouldn't do it again!

hesterton · 19/07/2015 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 20/07/2015 20:03

Thank you all for your advice, I sat with him that evening and we had a very open and honest talk. I said I feel controlled and I told him I don't think he realises just how much he hurt me when he said those things. I used his recent DIY project as an example and said imagine after all the hardwork you put in I said I think we need a professional to do it all again. And asked him how hurt he would be, he said he would be hurt. He apologised sincerely for what he said in the past and said he shouldn't have said anything given that it wasn't even his flat.
He is though and will always be, very particular and a very house proud man. Which does have his perks, he cooks, cleans, does the washing, ironing, decorates all 50/50 and actually loves to go out shopping for lamps, carpets, table cloths etc probably more than me.
He said an interesting point though, he said 'so if you create a piece of artwork and I don't think it matches the room or don't like it, shall I just say I love it?" I said I feel like I lose either way as I don't want him to be false and lie to me but it hurts me when he is so critical, so he said "what do I do then?" And to be honest I didn't know the answer!

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 20/07/2015 20:08

so if you create a piece of artwork and I don't think it matches the room or don't like it, shall I just say I love it?" I said I feel like I lose either way as I don't want him to be false and lie to me but it hurts me when he is so critical, so he said "what do I do then?" And to be honest I didn't know the answer!

He could say "i dont think it goes with the room but we can hang it and see what we think after a couple of weeks."

Also, if you are planning to paint something for a specific room in the house rather than just painting for pleasure then why not involve him in it? Ask him what colours he thinks would go well or which of your previous pieces you could emulate to suit the room.

pocketsaviour · 20/07/2015 20:10

I would flip that question right back around to him and say what if you don't like his DIY project?

Ideally both of you would agree on whether anything created by either of you is "fit" for display or not, but perhaps sometimes you can compromise by not having something in the front room but on the stairs or the landing.

Or - maybe say to him, I'm thinking of a new piece of artwork, with red tones, where do you think it should go? Or I'd like to make a new piece for the front room, what colour scheme should I go with?

To me the main thing isn't necessarily agreeing on displaying it, but the hurtful and contemptuous way he spoke to you about it. If he stops that, then things have definitely improved.

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