Is this equal in our marriage? Need people I don't know to give their advice.

[Millie3030]

Hi I was hoping to gain some opinions from you about this issue I have with my DH.

I'm quite creative and like to paint, make things and have made a few things for my house, my DH isn't artistic and prefers to buy things for the house from a shop. He is also quite particular and likes things a certain way so when I have in the past created 2 paintings for the lounge he made it quite clear he didn't like them, suggested we replace them with paintings from a shop and in heated discussion about decorating said "I have to put up with these pieces of shit on the wall" now these paintings were A3 quite simple and modern and had a flower design on them nothing crazy or offensive. We then replaced them with similar paintings in colour and design from a shop, as much as it hurt me to do so.

Now this also happened when I wanted to decorate our DS's nursery, I had an idea of some things I wanted to do, bunting, lampshade, frame with different colours and photographs in it (again nothing crazy) and he was quite against it and wanted to just buy a set of room stuff from mamas and papas. I have explained that I have a creative job and that I would like to do some things creative in my home, again another argument with him saying "I will be embarrassed to show my friends of family my sons nursery"

He says afterwards that he says things in the heat of the moment, but the paintings were not to his taste and he actually liked the nursery in the end. We do have one painting that he doesn't mind in the study, a little cast of my DS hand and a little painting on the landing that I feel he has 'allowed' rather than 'liked'.

Now the thing that bothers me is when he takes on DIY such as boxing in a radiator or build things in the garage, does something in the garden he wants me to notice, praise him, reward his efforts and basically make a fuss (he denies this but he is itching to show me and wants my feedback and will mention it again several times the following week) I have said I think he is great at DIY, electrics etc who needs a carpenter when we have him that sort of thing.

We had a bit of a row last night when looking at one of his latest projects where I said if this was the other way around you would grunt at me and barely look at what I did or call it a piece of shit. He then again said I didn't like those paintings I'm allowed to have an opinion, you are self centred to just create something for a lounge we share without consulting with me first. But what he has just built he specifically wouldn't show me beforehand as he wanted to do it his way.

So not talking today.... Please I need your honest opinions. Am I in the wrong? What do I do now?

It still sounds like he's being snide. You've got to know how to balance tact & honesty in life & ffs you'd do that for your wife.

OP, your post made me sad. It sounds as though he's being really mean.

He could say the same as anyone confronted with something not completely to their taste but part of their partner's heart, and think of a way not to hurt them! For example, 'I'm not sure it goes there but how about in the hall' or one of the other 8 spaces in the house. Basically he can't get over the fact he wants to control the living space in every way, even if he is sorry now you are upset about it. It doesn't make him a bad person necessarily, this is obviously his 'thing', but everyone is right- you just have to push back against it and set normal standards of behaviour, which is to be polite and nice about your partner's creations, unless they were so ridiculously out there, in which case I would discuss it honestly.

And honesty never means putting your partner down, it means diplomatically discussing the issue in a way in which their self-esteem is ok. It's like discussing weight, blunt nastiness is never called for, a up front supportive conversation when the other person is receptive is fine.

OP your posts make me feel sad too. It sounds like he's doing a good job of killing your creativity. I couldn't care less if your art is "good" or not, it's a piece of yourself and an expression of who you are and how you feel. In essence he's attacking that! Making you feel defensive and self-conscious! Fuck that shit! I agree with everyone on here that he sounds cruel and miserable.

You're even downplaying your work on here, to us! I bet you're actually really talented. And even if your work isn't amaaazing, good artists always make loads of shit before they make something great, it's how they get there! Don't stop creating things, don't let someone who is meant to love you kill that important part of you.