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DH takes coke, can't cope with pressure of life, just flipped and walked out door

(461 Posts)
chocolatedrops31 Mon 22-Jun-15 20:36:40

No LTB please
We have 3 small children and are seriously in love. When we met I knew he wasn't your 'run of the mill' guy. He's very warm and passionate but occasionally gets mad. He is the sole earner at the moment and finds the pressure enormously difficult. He doesn't like living where we live. Most of the time he is a great father and husband but sometimes finds the stress of having a young family too much. For the last 2 years he's been dabbling in coke and this clearly affects his mood. He's just gone back to it after a lovely month long break during which our relationship has been wonderful. He's now back on it. Tonight he was working ..I dressed nice, made dinner, and made a sad face when he said he'd continue working after dinner..a sad face, that's it. He flipped, saying I didn't understand the pressure he was under, all I wanted was more, more sex, more attention. It makes him want to run away..stay late at work etc. he left the house without his phone and is gone. He knows that that will cause me immense stress. He doesn't recognise that the coke causes mood swings..and he won't handle an ultimatum well. I just don't know what to do..last night and today we were all lovey dovey..holding hands..flirting and then he flips. Any advice on how to deal with this situation welcome

karbonfootprint Mon 22-Jun-15 20:39:31

sorry, but he's on drugs, the situation is totally hopeless imo. You are married to the coke in his brain, not to a person.

MoanyPants Mon 22-Jun-15 20:41:20

Well what do you want us to say?

Don't worry? It'll be fine. It's totally okay for your partner to take illegal class A drugs with small children in the house and fuck off without a by your leave whenever he 'can't take the pressure'.

He's a coke addict and a ragey bellend.

If you want to stay with him then you're insane, frankly.

I couldn't in good conscience enable any woman to put up with this shit.

It's a LTB from me.

Fairylea Mon 22-Jun-15 20:41:50

I'm sorry but you need to leave - it's simply not safe for you or the dc to be around him or the drugs. I say that as someone who dated someone into coke..just awful. It makes people so selfish.

You deserve better. The children deserve better. Lots of people don't cope with life, they get help. They don't take drugs.

Wolfiefan Mon 22-Jun-15 20:41:52

He needs to get clean and handle problems like an adult or leave. Sorry.

SanityClause Mon 22-Jun-15 20:49:26

Aaaaw, poor thing! He finds the stress of having a young family too much! What about you? Do you find the stress of having a young family too much? Do you just flip out and leave him with the children? Will you just walk out, now, because you will be under "immense stress". Or are you a grown up?

KatieKatie1980 Mon 22-Jun-15 20:54:26

My ex used coke. We were together 5 years during my early 20's and thankfully didn't have children.

He had gone through some really awful stuff (parents divorcing/Dad having affair/Dad going to prison).

He used it more and more. Started taking money from our joint account and bills would default. Sleeping around... didn't come home one night and got dropped off (naked) by the police at 6:30am. He was a compulsive liar.

Final straw was that he got so drunk/coked up one night after work that he crashed into a customer's car (was a car salesman) and left the scene. He worked for one of my clients and when it all came to light I was made 'redundant' from work.

That's the tip of the iceberg! And I stayed for 5 years and ended up needing CBT because he gave me panic disorder and associated phobias.

I thought I loved him dearly and couldn't possibly have a life without him. One day I snapped and kicked him out and never looked back. I've been with my current partner 10 years with 2 wonderful children. Please don't do this to yourself and the kids. Coke is bad, coke around kids is bad. He needs to stop using it. Don't put yourself through hell like I did, you deserve better. x

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet Mon 22-Jun-15 20:54:37

Please LTB
Or kick him out and throw away his key to your heart
You have children that's the best reason on earth to get rid.

chocolatedrops31 Mon 22-Jun-15 20:58:40

I don't know if this makes a difference but he doesn't take more than 1-2 lines a day. When he takes it it's not obvious he's on it..but generally he's more down and more snappy. He uses it-he says-to cope with the pressure and enable him to function better, but in reality he's addicted. I need to persuade him to stop but I don't know how.

cleanmyhouse Mon 22-Jun-15 20:59:04

Maybe you're not going to LTB, but at the very least, he needs an ultimatum that he gets treatment or leaves the family home. If you don't think this will affect your children, you are wrong.

cleanmyhouse Mon 22-Jun-15 21:00:43

Oh yeah, and coke heads are total assholes. Selfish, moody assholes.

kinkyfuckery Mon 22-Jun-15 21:00:52

Oh well, if he only takes a couple of lines a day....

Nope, still a junkie!!

paxtecum Mon 22-Jun-15 21:02:13

Please don't waste your life waiting for him to give the coke up.

I have known men to avoid going home on time so they would miss bedtime, one would stay at work pretending he was doing overtime, but he was actually reading a book, one would go to the pub for a pint, one would go to the gym. These are normal, shitty ways of not coping with young kids.
Taking coke is not a normal way of not coping.

You either stay with him, treading on eggshells, wondering what mood he's going to be in or you LTB.
How much disposable income do you have as a couple?
Your DH is putting a few hundred quid of it up his nose every month.

Whichseason Mon 22-Jun-15 21:03:36

How much money is he spending on it a week?

TelephoneIgnoringMachine Mon 22-Jun-15 21:04:44

What are you hoping to get from this thread? If it's just a hand to hold you need to be up front & just say it. If it's other advice, you need to be a bit more specific, you are likely to get a lot of "LTB" responses otherwise I'm afraid.

paxtecum Mon 22-Jun-15 21:05:17

I used to know quite a lot of people who took coke, myself included, I really didn't know anyone who only had one or two lines per day. Maybe one or two grams per day.

Fairylea Mon 22-Jun-15 21:05:27

You know if anything you kicking him out might be the jolt he needs to stop. At the moment he has no incentive to do so.

Being around someone who takes coke normalises it to you but trust me most family minded people are not taking coke. It doesn't matter how many lines it is.

One of the most upsetting things in my old relationship was one night when I thought we had such an amazing evening and then a few weeks later it became clear he had no recollection of it at all because he had been high on coke. It was as if my memories were just illusions.

Honestly just ltb. If he is serious about coming off it permanently he will need you to have a no nonsense policy.

chocolatedrops31 Mon 22-Jun-15 21:05:35

I don't know, probably £150 a month at a guess but we are not cash strapped..he does work hard and earns well and materially gives us whatever we need but I think that all adds to the pressure on him

Joysmum Mon 22-Jun-15 21:05:56

1-2 lines a year would be 1-2 lines too much for me.

Your tolerance surpasses mine and I don't think that's a positive for you or your children sad

chocolatedrops31 Mon 22-Jun-15 21:07:30

Probably hand holding and advice as to how to take the pressure off him and how to get a v stubborn person to come off it..but you're right, I just need to get the confidence to have a really frank chat

tribpot Mon 22-Jun-15 21:08:05

If he finds the pressure of being the sole breadwinner so intolerable that he uses coke, can you go back to work?

Velociraptor Mon 22-Jun-15 21:08:15

The thing is OP, there is really nothing you can do to change how he is behaving. Your choice is either stay and accept that is how he behaves, or leave. I hope you will eventually choose the latter, as it is awful for your DC to be around that.

MaggieJoyBlunt Mon 22-Jun-15 21:09:21

What do you think the answer is?

paxtecum Mon 22-Jun-15 21:10:27

Has he always taken coke since you've known him or is it a recent thing with him? Does he have mates who take it too?

Whichseason Mon 22-Jun-15 21:10:34

I don't know anything about coke but according to talk to frank it is more like £250 a months and I am guessing he is alway lying about how much he is taking. What is is job? Why is he working so hard if he does not need to? I hope he is not driving or being left alone with the kids.

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