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Being the OW

(153 Posts)
almamatters Wed 31-Dec-14 17:18:08

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am. I know "my kind" are not welcome really.....and rightly so...but is there anywhere I CAN go? To talk this through...I don't want sympathy, it's undeserved. I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing, but it was never with malicious intent and has never been guilt free.....I've fallen for him and I know it will only end in tears...for myself and for her. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I feel like I'm going mad :-(

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat Wed 31-Dec-14 17:20:35

You may be 'judged' (inwardly) but I have rarely seen too much of a flaming. However be prepared for some straight talking. Fire away x

LineRunner Wed 31-Dec-14 17:21:57

Do you want advice on how to end it?

Go no contact. Block him.

LynetteScavo Wed 31-Dec-14 17:22:03

Then stop now.

It doesn't have to end in tears for her.

And I think you'll like yourself a lot more once you've put a stop to it.

BigCatFace Wed 31-Dec-14 17:22:07

Fairenuff Wed 31-Dec-14 17:22:14

There is only one sensible answer. End it. You are causing yourself so much pain and heartache by choosing to continue this. You. Not him. You are in charge of your own choices.

If you won't do that then all you can do is hope you meet like-minded people who want to huddle together and feel sorry for themselves. Don't think mn is the place though.

Justwanttomoveon Wed 31-Dec-14 17:23:14

Do you want it to end?

arlagirl Wed 31-Dec-14 17:24:14

Has he fallen for you too?

AuntieStella Wed 31-Dec-14 17:26:06

"I dislike myself a lot for what I'm doing".

Stop doing it.

Joysmum Wed 31-Dec-14 17:34:05

Stop doing it, if you're that important to him then he will end his relationship so he can be with you.

If he doesn't then you'll have saved yourself lots of heartache anyway.

Justwanttomoveon Wed 31-Dec-14 17:38:30

Remember he is a cheat, at some point he will do the same to you.

DirtyBlonde Wed 31-Dec-14 17:41:15

Wild stab in the dark - but are you posting here tonight because he's with his family on NYE and you're alone, and you think talking about him will fill the void?

It won't. You're not happy. You can do better than this.

Deserttrek Wed 31-Dec-14 17:44:45

Your words perhaps need to be contextualised OP.
The background to the relationships perhaps needs to be explained a little more, if you want more meaningful posts.
And, yes as other posters have said, he is a cheat taking your opening thread at face value. So, are you.
But I sense you want to say more.

BlueBrightBlue Wed 31-Dec-14 17:45:02

He's made his choice hasn't he?
You're not his top priority; if you were he'd be with you now wouldn't he?

jellycake Wed 31-Dec-14 17:46:59

Been there, done that, did not end well. What do you want to talk about? I wish I had the strength to call it off early in the day. I was going to move away from the area but he talked me out of it. He cheated on me too - a lot.

Fairenuff Wed 31-Dec-14 17:50:05

Is he with your for NYE OP, or is he with his wife?

VitalStollenFix Wed 31-Dec-14 17:53:20

tbh, what you need to do is to accept that you are making a choice. You are choosing to have an affair with a married man, just as he is choosing to betray his wife with you. Neither of you are helpless victims, compelled to carry out these actions against your will. You each have decided all the things you have done. It is important that you take responsibility for your choices.

If the choices that you have made have not made you feel happy, good about yourself or that you are a good person - make different choices. All that you do is within your control.

almamatters Wed 31-Dec-14 18:54:09

To clarify a couple of things, they are not married....I didn't want to "justify it" by acting like that mattered, but perhaps it does?

I am single.

I in no way shape or form think that I am victim, nor do I want sympathy. I am merely someone who has a made some very very wrong choices, that although I regret, I can't shut it off because I want him in my life. Same old story I guess.

Deserttrek to give a bit more context, we work together, have done since March, friends...came out of the blue later in the year, don't really know how it happened, I suppose it's still fairly new, 2 months...still 2 months too long, I know.

There's never been any lying or bullshitting, he doesn't tell me he's going to leave her, he's not going to, not for me. I don't expect to just bowl into his life and be a priority either. Feelings have developed on both sides. I'm not posting because it's new year and he's with his be honest I've wanted to talk it out for a little while but it's been hard knowing that "just stop it" will be the answer, I guess, selfishly, it would be nice for someone to understand that sometimes, feelings develop where they shouldn't and it's tough. I only posted tonight because I made a "confession" on a thread in chat.

I fully blame myself for my actions, I know that they are the fault of no other. I'm torn between my head and my heart and my morals and every other feeling I have.

CookieDoughKid Wed 31-Dec-14 18:56:26

What is it about this situation you actually like? The deceit? The lying? The betrayal? Being second best? Being unhappy?

Is the sex really worth all that? Surely you know you can get better elsewhere.

Is HE really worth all that?

Come on. You know and I know, and the rest of mumsnet knows - HE AINT WORTH IT.

Why you put yourself down so much, really - there's a lot of therapy you need to get over it and be good to yourself again.

CookieDoughKid Wed 31-Dec-14 18:58:06

The lying is to her though - not you.

Seriously, you KNOW what to do and how to fix this.

Fairenuff Wed 31-Dec-14 18:58:44

I can't shut it off because I want him in my life

You need to change the word can't to won't and there you have it OP.

So you are choosing this.

So what's the problem?

Genuinely don't get it. You are doing something to yourself that you want. And complaining about it confused

AuntieStella Wed 31-Dec-14 19:00:44

You don't like what you see when you look at yourself. So stop doing those things.

Spend tomorrow rewriting your CV.

Start looking for a new job on Monday.

You are not a passenger in your life. You can steer a new course that fits the person you want to be in future.

SacredHeart Wed 31-Dec-14 19:02:38

If he's not planning to leave her break it off. Why make another woman miserable just because you are.

almamatters Wed 31-Dec-14 19:03:37

I'm not doing that fairenuff. To be honest, I'm struggling with my feelings and I asked if there was somewhere more appropriate, that I could merely "talk it out" not complain or get sympathy. To make sense of what I'm doing. I'm not in the most fantastic of places, and whilst I appreciate that some are completely intolerant of those of us who do things we shouldn't sometimes, there are equally people who have been there and done it and can understand how it feels to be on that side of it, I myself have been on the receiving end, so I know how it feels in that perspective but equally now I understand that not all other women are just wankers with no hearts, sometimes they fall for the wrong guy and for whatever reason WONT end it.

Fairenuff Wed 31-Dec-14 19:05:22

Not doing what? confused

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