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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Co-sleeping with teenage son

164 replies

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:10

I will be spending time over the hols with the relatives who do this. I've namechanged as they know I'm on mumsnet. The mother sleeps with one of her sons most nights. He is 16. Her husband sleeps in another room. I have no reason to believe they 'do anything' but am uncomfortable about it. AIBU?

Is it weird, abusive, or charmingly affectionate?

OP posts:

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bigTillyMint · 14/12/2014 16:12

Very odd.
My 13.5 DS would hate to have to share a bed with me, even for one night!

DistanceCall · 14/12/2014 16:13

Bonkers. Utterly bonkers. And consciously or unconsciously abusive.

Shadow1986 · 14/12/2014 16:14

Odd yes. Have they ever explained the reason?

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/12/2014 16:16

Weird. In a bed emergency it would be OK, but as a regular thing?

My brother and I used to get into bed with my mum on a Sunday morning well into our teens for a natter.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 14/12/2014 16:16

That's horrible

TooMuchCantBreathe · 14/12/2014 16:17

Mostly odd unless the ds suffers anxiety, night terrors or some similar issue? My dc (both genders) get in my bed if they're ill or something but it's once in a blue moon and for a specific reason.

BlairWaldorfHeadBand · 14/12/2014 16:17

But weird that the husband leaves the room but other than that I think it's fine. My friends 15 year old boy is struggling with a few things and regularly sleeps in the same bed as his mum, he just wants comfort. Since when did a mum sleeping beside her son become abusive?!

Annarose2014 · 14/12/2014 16:19

Ugh. Two words: Wet Dreams.

Two more: Morning Wood.

AskMeAnother · 14/12/2014 16:33

Hmm.

Have they been co-sleeping all his life? If so, though its a bit unusual for him not to have demanded his own bed, its probably not shocking for him still to be there.

Or, is the mother doing what my grandma did, and keeping a child (in her case a daughter) in her bed to ward off unwanted sexual advances from her husband? You don't know what horrors she might have to avoid.

Or is the husband violent, and the son protecting is mother?

Or it could be abusive. Keep your eyes and ears open.

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:39

Apparently the husband snores very loudly, they only sleep together when they have to on holiday and such. Mother and son are very close - she says she's never pushed her son to sleep with her, he chooses to. No special needs or behavior issues.

I admit I'm relieved that the verdict so far is weird/bonkers! Her closeness with her son might be borderline emotionally abusive - she over-shares - and the co-sleeping is probably about her leaning on DS for more support than a parent should. There isn't anything I could really do about it, but it makes me uncomfortable. I wanted the viper wisdom for reference. Thank you

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MrsSchadenfreude · 14/12/2014 16:43

Very. very. very odd.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/12/2014 16:44

Or, is the mother doing what my grandma did, and keeping a child (in her case a daughter) in her bed to ward off unwanted sexual advances from her husband? You don't know what horrors she might have to avoid

That would be abusive

Or is the husband violent, and the son protecting is mother?

Again that's abusive

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:45

Very good point, Ask, I'd totally missed that angle. Her husband has been violent to the children, never her. That stopped a few years ago, when the DC got bigger than him I didn't think she might have kept them with her for protection against their dad, but it seems obvious now. The 16yo is her youngest, so I can see how the habit may have stuck.

Thanks!!!

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FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 16:47

Sock, I do feel she has parentified her DC and has failed to protect them.

But the emotional logic behind the co-sleeping is much clearer now.

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Viviennemary · 14/12/2014 16:48

That is totally unacceptable. IMHO.

BlairWaldorfHeadBand · 14/12/2014 16:52

I assumed you were hinting at insest not that she was possibly protecting her child from his violent dad as you hinted at "doing things".That's why I was dismissive.
Tbh it could be a number of things but unless your up for a very awkward conversation with her I would just keep your views to yourself

GlitzAndGigglesx · 14/12/2014 16:55

I find it uncomfortable too. I remember snuggling in with my mum when I was a lot younger usually because I was scared of fireworks or could hear foxes being rampant but I find this scenario odd

pinkfrocks · 14/12/2014 16:58

Not normal. I would challenge her on it. If she is a relative and you are invited to stay then you'd be quite in order to raise more than an eyebrow at this.
There is no reason for a son to share a bed with his mother - at his age- that is innocent in my opinion and 'protecting' her is odd. if she is doing it for protection then she needs support from professionals. I'd be tempted to contact SS to be honest. He's under 18 and this is most odd.

AskMeAnother · 14/12/2014 17:00

NeedsASockAmnesty - are you expressing an opinion of 'that's abusive' or do you have an official 'list of abusive situations' to which you can refer?

People do what they can to cope with the situations they are in.

Finola1step · 14/12/2014 17:01

It is an odd scenario. But what do you mean that the dad has been violent to the children in the past? I read this as there has been a history of him physically abusing his dc and the co-sleeping arrangement had evolved out of fear.

If this is the case, poor kid and poor woman.

Kewcumber · 14/12/2014 17:06

they only sleep together when they have to on holiday and such

Surely thats very different to sleeping together routinely.

Kewcumber · 14/12/2014 17:07

The mother sleeps with one of her sons most nights

now I'm totally confused... which is it, nearly every night or just when they're on holiday and snoring DH is banished?

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HanselandGretel · 14/12/2014 17:09

If you are staying as their guest then it's really a matter of getting your head round it. There may be a perfectly good reason for it, who knows. I'm not sure it's really any of your business to be honest unless it's going to impact on your stay.

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 17:10

I'm glad I posted. I'm disappointed in myself, that I didn't see the connection between violent husband and excessively close relationship with son! The whole thing's a major fuck-up but I feel more compassion for her now. DC have excellent school performance, normal social lives, etc. She should have kicked her H out for hitting her children - we had big rows about it in the past - but she didn't. I still see her actions as weak & selfish, but not as abusive as I feared.

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FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 17:11

Nail on head Hansel, I'm trying to get my head round it before I stay!

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