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On the verge of going ex lying about cancer?

(158 Posts)
DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 11:53:35

5 1/2 months ago ex walked out told me he no longer loved me, after being off with me for two weeks. I found out he applied for a loan and it all came out after I confronted him. I, like most other people would, accused him of cheating. He swore he hadn't but something wasn't sitting right.

Cue 1 month ago, I receive an ominous text saying "we need to talk". He comes round and explains he has cancer. He has been receiving private treatment, in order to pay for it he will no longer be able to pay the rent for me and DD (this was temporary, I never expected him to pay for it anyway). I was in shock told him if he needed lefts or a hand to hold I would be there. I also made it very clear I did not want to be in a relationship with him, as I felt the decision he had made was a selfish one. Basically putting DD and I on the verge of homelessness and scrapping the barrel to make ends meet.

Ex told me he didn't want his family to know, only his boss and myself knew (he's always had a hero complex) but agreed to me telling our DD that he was very ill and would need to rest alot.

Now, almost my entire family has been affected by colorectal cancer, my Dad, my aunt, my aunt died of it, my Nan. I'm thinking if you're going to lie about cancer you don't pick the one that the person knows most about...

He was on medication (wouldn't tell me the name) but from the sounds of the symptoms it's the one they give you instead of chemo? He was then booked in for an operation yesterday. Now, I know that if you have a history or have been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and they are removing the tumor they will either go for open surgery or abdominal keyhole surgery. Apparently these doctors did an endoscopic removal (through the bum), which they only really do if it's either just polyps or its very early stages.

He then texts me this morning to say that he's at work?! My dad can just about walk around the house when he's had a endoscopy!

I am so confused, I would feel awful if I called him a lier and it turned out to be true but on the other hand I'm thinking what kind of a sick son of bitch lies about this to anyone, let alone his daughter and the woman he had a child with and wanted to marry.

Any advice on how to go about this? or anyone who has a bit more experience with cancer treatments? I feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown here.

DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 12:30:40


firesidechat Tue 11-Nov-14 12:31:18

My husband has had numerous cancerous lumps removed from his bladder and loads of biopsies via endoscopy and he had to rest for a few days. However he has excessive bleeding after this sort of surgery, so may be unusual. I can't imagine him ever being back at work the following day, but who knows. What sort of job does he do?

FabULouse Tue 11-Nov-14 12:31:44

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 12:36:07

He's in Security. His job involves alot of walking for about 8-9 hours a day. I know my dad takes at least a day to get back on his feet and that without anesthetic.

I want to believe him...but i thinks it's because I know how soul destroying it would be if he were lying.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Nov-14 12:36:12

How trustworthy has this man been at all to date?.

Something does not sit right at all; the fact that his own family do not know is also suspicious as is the recourse to private treatment (usually cancer patients start under NHS care) and the medication for which he would not tell you the name. Why is his boss the only other person who knows about all this as well?. A lot of this does not add up at all.

He is your ex for good reason.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Nov-14 12:38:06

I realise that you want to believe him but there is no real evidence here to state that he is actually telling you the truth. Its just another way to him of yanking your chain and its worked because he now has your attention.

BTW did you ever formalise any arrangements re money and contact through the courts when he walked away?.

DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 12:40:45

Well not at all considering he lied about "having cancer" for 4 months. He has said this is the reason we broke up because he didn't want to put DD and I through the stress and financial pressure of looking after him. (no, we just had to go through the financial pressure and stress of trying to keep our house and becoming a full time working single parent instead).

It's put me through emotional turmoil, he's been sending messages letting me know if anything happens there's messages for me and DD on his tablet. That all his life insurance is sorted so it goes to DD when she's 18. Why would you go to this length to lie?

AnnieLobeseder Tue 11-Nov-14 12:41:16

Well, I'd ask for proof. There have been so many cases of men lying about being ill/dying to get sympathy or to wiggle out of being responsible for their own children. Your relationship is over anyway, what does it matter if he gets pissed off that you don't trust him? Your obligation is to your children and yourself, not to him.

firesidechat Tue 11-Nov-14 12:41:55

He would have had an anaesthetic and has to have someone with him for 24 hours afterwards and not allowed to drive. It seems very unlikely that he would be back at work in a physically demanding job so soon afterwards.

Would you be surprised if he has lied or is it par for the course?

7to25 Tue 11-Nov-14 12:42:35

Why on earth has he gone privately? No need. That in itself is suspect.

DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 12:42:53

No, we agreed upon a set amount he would pay me after I took over the rent and bills. He would have DD on his days off, which are few and far between, due to the "operation" he hasn't seen her in about a week and a half.

DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 12:47:45

I wouldn't be surprised if he's lied to me but would be that he's lied to our daughter. It's just been a whirlwind of who the hell was I engaged to for 5 years?

Saltedcaramel2014 Tue 11-Nov-14 12:48:23

Did he gives reasons for not going with NHS care? Seems very strange to go private immediately given the financial commitments he has. Also - has he lied to you before, even small things?

firesidechat Tue 11-Nov-14 12:48:28

Is he paying for it via health insurance? If he isn't then I would be very suspicious indeed. My husband is treated privately because the NHS triaged him to the bottom of the pile by mistake and we had insurance through his job. I've seen some of the costs involved and it is jaw dropping how expensive everything is. No way would I self fund cancer treatment unless I was absolutely sure that it was a one off and quickly treated.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Nov-14 12:50:50

Some men really do not care whom they lie to and that includes their own children.

Is he really a Walter Mitty type?.

DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 12:52:34

Nope, no health insurance. This also made me suspicious and he definitely doesn't have the money to fund it himself. He once said that his pills were £150...

He has lied before about silly things like buying takeaway when we'd agreed not to, how much something he bought had cost....very menial things.

MrsSquirrel Tue 11-Nov-14 13:00:24

Some men really do not care whom they lie to and that includes their own children.

Some men consistently and deliberately lie to their own children. Sadly, I have seen this in my family.

DoomDeer, I think you have to proceed on the basis that he is lying.

trikken Tue 11-Nov-14 13:01:33

Something definitely doesnt sound right I agree. Ask him whats going on.

DoomDeer Tue 11-Nov-14 13:01:47

But how do I call him up on this? Do I just ask him outright? Say I need proof?

midgeymum2 Tue 11-Nov-14 13:04:02

So how much does he reckon his treatment costs/ will cost? Where did he have his operation - in a private clinic? If he has life insurance does it include critical illness cover? Where was he diagnosed, nhs or private? Something doesn't add up!

I smell shite!

Castlemilk Tue 11-Nov-14 13:04:57

No health insurance?! Then yes, sadly I think he is lying (unless he has several hundred thousand sitting around in savings).

Re your earlier comment, I'm afraid I immediately thought the opposite- that if he were lying he'd choose the cancer he has some knowledge of, through his connection to your family. Presumably he's heard about your dad's treatment etc. So he thinks he knows what to say...

Has he told his boss? Or is that just someone he would know you wouldn't get in touch with? I'd probably start there-get in touch saying you're really worried as the costs must be astronomical without insurance and you know boss is the only other person who knows so do they know more...

What are his family like?

firesidechat Tue 11-Nov-14 13:04:59

Then I'm sorry, I think he may be lying.

If we hadn't had health insurance then we would have had no choice but to go NHS and would have been quite happy with that choice. Admittedly there would be no nice private rooms, but the treatment would have been the same, with the same consultant. If time hadn't been so crucial and the hospital hadn't made a bit of a blunder at the start, that's what we would have done. My experience of NHS care has always been good.

By the way my husband probably has a much higher paid job than your husband, so where is he getting the money and why. Not from family obviously, if they don't know about it.

ICantFindAFreeNickName Tue 11-Nov-14 13:05:56

I agree no-one would choose to pay for private cancer care, unless they were seriously loaded. You might choose to go private if you have health care insurance, but even then most people I have known with cancer stay within the nhs. To be honest the nhs is normally pretty good with cancer care.
Is he a person who tends to exaggerate things. Sometimes one persons mole removal, is another persons brush with death - people sometimes make a drama out of things that others would play down.
Maybe ask him if you can have the name of his cancer care nurse, as you want to talk to her about how you deal with your daughters anxieties over his illness, especially given your family history.

hesterton Tue 11-Nov-14 13:06:17

I would go straight to his family and tell them I really thought they ought to know. It is almost certainly a lie and he probably has form for it. There's a reason why he doesn't want you talking to them...

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