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DH refusing to have the snip

(258 Posts)
snipsnipsnippysnip Wed 22-Oct-14 17:53:25

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

Methe Wed 22-Oct-14 17:57:04

Stop having sex with him.

AuntieStella Wed 22-Oct-14 17:57:39

You cannot insist another person has surgery with a 10% chance of serious, enduring consequences.

"Feeling less of a man" is a crap reason. But even the most cursory look at the comments on NHS Choices show this is not a trivial operation for men.

It is never a 'payback' for childbirth. It's a totally separate issue and taking turns shouldn't come in to it.

Wolfiefan Wed 22-Oct-14 17:59:16

Have you tried different pills? What about the diaphragm?
I can understand how you feel but you really can't force another person to have surgery against their will.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 22-Oct-14 17:59:44

Considering you have had all the medical intervention it is his turn now, I completely agree.
Go to the surgery and get the leaflets, leave them lying around for him to read.
Tell him you want to discuss it rationally and explain why you are not happy to be responsible for contraception anymore as it doesn't work for you.
If this fails cut his supply off, he'll soon see sense grin

MrsHathaway Wed 22-Oct-14 18:00:26

If you can't use hormonal methods then your options are barrier or surgical.

Why do you get to reject the surgical option but he doesn't?

If you resent sex, stop having sex. If you hate condoms so much, stop having sex.

FWIW DH gets a lot more sex since the all-clear from his vasectomy.

yougotafriend Wed 22-Oct-14 18:03:01

Why not make an appt with you GP for both of you to go to to talk thru the options. I did this (not to try and persuade him, to genuinely find out info) and the GP looked at him like he was a compete number for not volunteering in the first place.

"are you seriously telling me you're going to put your wife thru a painful and more complicated procedure when it's so much easier for you to get it done?"

He volunteered straight away after that!

snipsnipsnippysnip Wed 22-Oct-14 18:05:56

I know there is no payback for birth, but it's not the birth I was bothered about (although a section and VBAC have taken their toll!). I had an injection every day of my pregnancies and took hormones, had repeated tests, suffered multiple MC along the way and frankly sucked it up when naturally I'm more of your whole food natural remedy kinda gal... but I take you're point one doesn't have an account.

I think it's the fact that the reason is shite, that really bothers me. It makes me respect him less as it's not even well reasoned and considered, it's like a stupid down the pub with your mates kind of comment.

Also 10%?! Really? That's high.

AuntieStella Wed 22-Oct-14 18:11:18

Browse the MN Family Planning topic. There are a couple of MNetters for whom it has gone badly wrong, plus several others less severe but distinctly unpleasant.

My guess is that you are cross because he's not taking you seriously or really looking into it and thinking about what is best for you both as a couple. Which is a communication, not a contraception, issue.

snipsnipsnippysnip Wed 22-Oct-14 18:15:16

MrsHathaway yes I know what you mean, but I've not said I won't do it, I said one of us needs to, it's easier for a man so it makes sense for him to do it. Same outcome, but not actually the same route.

I had thought about going on strike, but it feels like I'm bullying him into it and I think that would do as much harm to our relationship.

CheersMedea Wed 22-Oct-14 18:16:08

I don't think it is open to anyone to complain or even be upset about another autonomous adult refusing to have surgery. Personally, I don't think he even needs to give a reason. It's his body and he's perfectly entitled to do what he wants with it.

Realistically, it is also an unfortunate truth that plenty of couples split up later in life and the man marries a younger partner who wants children. & people change their mind. I'm not saying that is what he wants to do but there maybe a fantasy element of "keeping my options open" about it that he feels unable to express to you - because although he has no plans to leave the marriage, this type of reasoning would suggest he does.

More importantly, resentment of any kind corrodes relationships. If you "persuade" him to have it done when he really doesn't want to, he may seriously resent it.

PS: BTW the user name snipsnipsnippysnip =LOL.

MrsHathaway Wed 22-Oct-14 18:17:50

Yes, DH said something about being less of a man, and in the end it helped that several friends had already done it or were arranging it, so he could see "real men" who were no less manly afterwards.

When we first had sex afterwards it was weird for him for a while, psychologically, but now he's cool.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 22-Oct-14 18:21:16

MY DH refused a vasectomy, but was happy to use condoms, but I wasn't. So I got sterilised (many years ago) and it was a keyhole op and I was out the same day. No complications. It wasn't nearly as traumatic as I had imagined it might be. And the freedom from worry and spontaneous sex has more than made up for it!

WerkSupp Wed 22-Oct-14 18:24:19

I would just carry on using condoms then. Make it clear if you are not one who would terminate a pregnancy that if there is a failure you will have another child.

I wouldn't get sterilised.

snipsnipsnippysnip Wed 22-Oct-14 18:25:29

cheers I know that in utopia that's the case! but we're in a team sport called marriage and so I think he should explain himself to me. Help me understand, give it some proper thought himself!

I have suggested the whole keep your options, open get some frozen, I don't mind. Not quite the same, but he is quite clear he's too old to do it all again (well he would say that wouldn't he)

auntieStella yes I think you're right. I can accept a reasoned argument, but not numb skull statements.

2rebecca Wed 22-Oct-14 18:26:53

My husband had chronic groin pain for 2 years after his. Not severe pain but annoying and tender in that area. Chronic pain is fairly common, the operation is fairly easy but that doesn't mean there are no side effects. It isn't a superficial operation. Similarly women having laparoscopic sterilisations can have chronic abdominal pain and premature menopauses.
I'd never ask anyone to have an op (his ex wife pretty much insisted on it if he wanted to have sex, the fact that ultimatums like this were given says a lot about why the relationship ended as sex obviously wasn't a mutually enjoyable thing but a chore although other women on here seem to take the same attitude and see sex as a service they provide as well)

Molotov Wed 22-Oct-14 18:33:26

You just cannot force or coerce someone into being sterilised. Long after I'm done with reproducing, I intend to keep my uterus intact. I like knowing it is there; I suspect that is akin to how your DH feels about his spermatic cord.

Rather than sterilisation for either partner, I think your options are probably condoms, withdrawal method (as effective as condoms or the pill (I think?) IF DONE CORRECTLY i.e. no ejaculation inside you during your fertile window (charting might help; or unless you use condoms then); diaphragm or an injectable hormonal contraceptive.

I totally get that you feel it's his turn now. Christ, if my DH could get pg and give birth, I'd say a hearty yes to having dc3 grin

But it's not like that. And it's not fair to make him feel like he HAS TO get his epididymis tied off to keep you happy.

Badvoc123 Wed 22-Oct-14 18:33:57

Dh had it done a couple of years ago.
He worked with guys who had had it done which helped I think.
48 hours on the sofa after and no issues since.
I had tried every form of contraception going but had reactions to lots of them. I was happy to keep using condoms but he wasn't.
"Less of a man"?
What a ridiculous thing to say.
Are woman who have been sterilised less of a woman?

simontowers2 Wed 22-Oct-14 18:34:51

Would be a deal-breaker for me if the missis started pressuring me to have such invasive surgery. It's his body; he shouldnt be under pressure to do anything to it with which he is not comfortable. Always amazed when i see threads like this. What if a man came on here saying his wife wasnt "doing her bit" if she refused to get sterilised? He would get slaughtered - and rightly so.

BalloonSlayer Wed 22-Oct-14 18:37:35

There is no way of testing that female sterilisation has worked though.

Sometimes the clips/rings slip off.

I struck up a conversation with a mum when my (unplanned) DC3 was small, I think we started talking because we obviously both had a big age gap between DCs. She had been sterilised and then NINE years later had suddenly found herself pregnant. shock Apparently it can happen!

At least with vasectomy they have a look to see if there are any sperm there.

Made me glad I didn't get sterilised when they offered to do it when I had DC3 by caesarean. I declined at the time as I get very tearful after childbirth and I thought I might freak out and regret it, and also because they told me that sterilisation just after childbirth is less reliable because everything is so swollen (due to hormones) at that point that the rings/clips can slip off when the swelling goes down.

Actually just reading 2rebecca's post has got me thinking - a friend of mine was sterilised after her 2nd DC. 2 years later she got the menopause aged only 37 ! I remember thinking at the time "Oh what a shame, if she'd known that was going to happen maybe she wouldn't have had to bother having the OP" but maybe the OP actually caused it!

EmilyGilmore Wed 22-Oct-14 18:38:56

There are plenty of ways to avoid pregnancy. Menopause will be along soon anyway wink

Viviennemary Wed 22-Oct-14 18:40:30

You are entitled to be annoyed with him. But on the other hand it's his absolute right to refuse to have this kind of surgery. It has to be the complete choice of the individual.

CheersMedea Wed 22-Oct-14 18:41:41

I know that in utopia that's the case! but we're in a team sport called marriage and so I think he should explain himself to me. Help me understand, give it some proper thought himself!

I disagree I'm afraid.

You knew when you married him he came with sperm! It's not an expectation that one or other of you would be sterilized. The "team sport" of marriage absolutely does not extend to having operations that you don't want. Your bodily autonomy is absolute.

It isn't utopian at all. In my view, he's perfectly entitled to say "No I don't want to" without further explanation. As it is he's given an explanation. Fact is YOU don't like it and have written it off as "man in the pub" banter. That's your view. It may be exactly how he feels.

I would never expect my DH to have a vasectomy if he didn't want to. And I would be extremely pissed off if he laid similar expectations at my door. My body; I'll choose what I do with it thanks.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 22-Oct-14 18:51:51

Emily has a point about menopause being along soon.
I don't know how old you are but I was all done, dusted and finished well before 40.
If you know how old your dm was then you can assume you will be around the same age. It also has a bearing on what age you started as well.
Not sure if this helps, but worth bearing in mind.

ouryve Wed 22-Oct-14 18:53:57

He does realise that they don't actually chop his balls off, doesn't he?

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