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Help! Sister pregnant from one night stand with 3 different guys who could be the father. Advice needed.

(67 Posts)
Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 14:39:08

Your advice is desperately needed on any aspect of this.

My younger sister age 21 has gotten pregnant. The ultrasound has managed to narrow down the window of conception but the problem is she slept with three different guys all in that conception window.

She has contacted all the guys. One is ignoring her, one told her to F off and the other was totally gobsmacked but at least didn't initially withdraw support. However she then started to pin all her hopes on him and started to contact him constantly after which he told her that he didn't want any contact pending the results of a paternity test.

She was working away when all of this happened and so all potential fathers live at least 8 hours away.

She is determined to go ahead with having the baby and I absolutely respect her decision but need any advice on how to deal with the situation.

As I understand it she knows a little bit about two of the guys but neither of them has any financial security and she thinks the third doesn't either.

God, how the hell is she going to make this work?
She doesn't really work and has no savings. She's going to move back in with mum and step dad. Me and my brother will give all the support she needs but I feel really sorry for this baby and also for my parents who are going to subsidise and help provide care.

Do you think any of these guys has an obligation to get involved? All seem to be saying they feel tricked into this? Since they don't live close, how often, if the father does choose to get involved, do you anticipate he will visit? I can't see this happening more than 4 times a year.... Is it better to have no father involvement at all the because it might be destabilising for the child??

How can I support her?

Also, I am just so confused as to how she could let this happen. Not using any contraception with any of these men?? So dangerous. Was she wanting to get pregnant? She is quite unstable and I wonder whether this was to try to get attention or a relationship from one of the guys and seeking to get us to get more involved in her life. How can we help build up her self esteem to ensure it doesn't happen again?? Should I raise this issue with her or is that offensive?

Any help most gratefully received x

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 04-Sep-14 14:45:48

Well, the biological father has an obligation to pay child support and should have the option to build a relationship with the child if he is prepared to.
Your sister must back off from all of them until she has a DNA test with all/any of the potentials who will agree to be tested. If any don't agree she can pursue them for maintenance and force a test I believe. Best to rule out the willing ones first.
She had been really reckless. Assuming it wasn't a contraceptive failure. But it happens. Try not to judge too harshly, I'm sure she's judging herself enough for all of you.

Sanch1 Thu 04-Sep-14 14:48:36

Any man that has un-protected sex with someone has a responsibility if that someone gets pregnant. All she can do its wait until the baby is born, get the men to consent to DNA tests if she can, then go through the proper channels to get financial support. Whether they want to be involved or not as a father she'll have to see.

Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 14:50:21

Thanks for this. Good idea to get the willing ones to test first. Seems it can be done quite cheaply. I have looked into csa but seems that support only forthcoming if guys actually earn anything which she is not sure they do (or much anyway).

No contraception used whatsoever. She said she tried to get the morning after pill after the first guy but all the chemists in her town were closed (this sounds unlikely to me)

mintbaileys Thu 04-Sep-14 14:53:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner Thu 04-Sep-14 14:56:33

Are you in USA or uk?

AuntieStella Thu 04-Sep-14 14:57:33

Oh dear!

As she doesn't appear to have a relationship with any of the potential fathers, there is no way of knowing what their attitudes to fatherhood will be. 'Fuck off' man doesn't should as if he is at all likely to want to be in the child's life, number 2 might step up for the child but isn't interested in her, and you didn't mention number 3's reaction.

She will have to plan for how she will manage on her own in terms of day today care for the infant. Paternity testing will be needed and should lead to maintenance payments.

It's just impossible to predict whether the biological father will want to be a father in any meaningful way, especially as it doesn't sound as if she knows their characters well. Contact is a question for the future. Right now, all she can do is concentrate on having a healthy pregnancy and plans for lone parenthood. Everything else will have to wait until the baby is born.

Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 14:57:34

Uk

Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 15:02:33

Number 3 was the most pleasant in that he just acknowledged and said he needed time to think about it but later when she contacted him a lot he started to step back and question why she had done this and what he could possibly do because he doesn't live close. He also said that he finds it very hard to imagine having feelings for a child where he has no feelings for the mother and explained that it might be better for him to stay away rather than being an inconsistent presence. He has now ceased all contact

kaykayblue Thu 04-Sep-14 15:08:21

Well for the moment she needs to concentrate on becoming a good mother who can support her child. The father thing can come later.

She has a right to decide whether to keep the baby or not, and she has decided to continue with the pregnancy. That means she needs to get into a situation where she can support her child - especially if two of the guys are not going to be in a position to contribute financially anyway (and she already knows this). Basically, she needs to be in a position where she can look after and raise this child without any help from the father whatsoever. It would be great if it turns out that they are all happy to do paternity tests, and they are all in a position to support their child, but that's really a best case scenario here.

She needs to gain some qualifications, or skills, or anything that means she will be able to find work once the baby is old enough. If your family are going to be able to support her until that point, then she will be in a much stronger position than otherwise.

If she can stay with family, that gives her a chance to build some savings as well, before finding a new home.

It was extremely irresponsible of everyone involved to have unprotected sex. I think you can have a frank conversation with her about what the fuck she was playing at doing this. Hopefully the guys involved will be getting similar discussions from their family members.

SweetErmengarde Thu 04-Sep-14 15:12:24

What princes these three men are. Even the "nicest" one has managed to rationalise his way out of any responsibility.

I have no feelings whatsoever for DS1's birth father and sill love DS1 absolutely and unconditionally. And the way to avoid being an inconsistent presence is to choose not to be!

I'm sorry for the rant but I really am disgusted with this reaction. I would suggest advising your sister not to have any expectations of any of them beyond legally enforceable child maintenance. Sending you both strength.

googoodolly Thu 04-Sep-14 15:13:21

It doesn't look like she's going to get any support from any of the three "men" involved, financially or otherwise. Is she prepared to go it alone completely? Is she ready to look after a baby without any emotional or financial support from the father?

If so, she needs to get ready to support herself. Does she work, have her own place, have neough money or space for a baby? If not, she has nine months to get herself in a place where shecan raise and support a baby on her own.

Kendodd Thu 04-Sep-14 15:15:20

Does she even know their last names or is it just first names and mobile numbers? She needs a secure way to contact them after the baby is born.

EvaLongoria Thu 04-Sep-14 15:28:00

My DH's colleague had a one night stand with a girl who ended up pregnant. He agreed that once paternity was proved he will be there 100%. Which he has been even when the mum tried to be spiteful and move to the other part of the country he visited then every 2 weeks instead of every week like he used to. And when she was forced to find a new place he help with deposit and the move and they moved back nearer to him. TBH he has shown he was consistent and they've never had a relationship or even tried to be that but have always been a parent to her and at parties both have been present with no hard feelings but putting her first.

Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 15:50:00

No she's doesn't have any meaningful qualifications. She does a big of waitressing from time to time. Enough to get her by and afford to go out etc but not enough to afford to rent her own place or have any independence. She is not working now and hasn't been through the pregnancy. I doubt she will work for the first year of the child's life. So we will all support her financially. I agree and recognise that we will also have to mentor her into finding appropriate training and a full time career as such. I wondered whether midwifery might be an idea but we will have to discuss with her and see what she wants to do as her heart has to be in it to commit

Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 15:52:05

She knew two if the guys names as was friends with them on facebook. She's since done a big of digging on the other one and found him on facebook too. She has two of their mobile numbers but they are not returning her calls

Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 15:54:16

I honestly don't know whether she is willing to go it alone completely without a mans help. She says that she is but then she talks about wanting to make it work with the guy who turns out to be the father so clearly she has dreams of involvement and possibly a relationship. I have tried to explain that men don't see sex the se way women do and given the reactions she has had from them and the fact that she wasn't in a relationship with any, I don't think she can expect this to happen

googoodolly Thu 04-Sep-14 16:14:39

Are your family willing to support her financially and emotionally? I guarantee it won't be worth her working until the child is five if she has no career prospects and no other financial support from a partner - childcare is very expensive unless you and your parents are willing to babysit all the time?

Jaydeneb85 Thu 04-Sep-14 16:20:25

Googoodolly

Well I can provide some help but my finances are really tight but I will do the best I can. Yes mum is willing to help and she is fairly financially stable not rich by any means. But 5 years is such a long time.... I guess that's just the way it is. I hate to think about it because I just don't think it's fair that the taxpayer should pay for this situation which has arisen through irresponsibility, but I think we will have to look into benefits and how much she could get. Also mum doesn't work so can babysit a lot if we get her into a phased return to employment. Not ideal but no child are costs I guess. I work so can't help out in that way during the week

chaseface Thu 04-Sep-14 20:36:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aermingers Thu 04-Sep-14 21:00:26

I have to admit I did exactly the same thing and had an abortion. I am quite angry about that because I wasn't 8 wadvised properly and I was just told I was '7 weeks pregnant' which meant I could only narrow it down to 3. Nobody explained to me that it was actually only 5 weeks since the actual date I'd got pregnant which narrowed it down to one man I had actually had quite a long on off relationship with and am still friends with to this day (he doesn't know).

Anyway that was when I was 19 so 16 years ago, I have dealt with infertility since and have a little boy now and I think things turned out the way they were supposed to but I feel sad for that baby. I lost my son's twin too so I think there should be 3 and there is only one. Anyway I digress.

I think she has done all she can and she needs to just take a deep breath and style it out. People generally aren't so rude as to ask straight out who the Dad is and she seems to have support from people close to her. If you have any relatives who would be too shocked then simply say it was a one night stand and she can't track him down/doesn't have his details/doesn't know who he is/didn't get his number or gave her a dodgy one. Or she could even lie and say it was someone she later discovered was married and she's not revealing it so as not to break up his family.

If she wants to hide from other people what's actually happening there are a number of scenarios she could use.

What I would have done in her situation is wait until the baby was born and then do a DNA test first of all with the guy who is most amenable and helpful, try and get it done privately and quickly. Then if he's not the Dad try and attempt to get the other two to agree to testing and if they won't then she'll just have to go down the court route and will need to get advice from CAB.

pippinleaf Thu 04-Sep-14 21:05:37

My husband fathered a child with a woman he was with a very short time after she lied she was on the pill. Anyway, he has no contact at all with her or the baby but he pays child maintenance because that's the law and he's a decent bloke, but even if he wasn't he couldn't get out of it. Seems to me that your sister has no choice but to wait until whatever time it is possible to ascertain paternity and then pursue that man for payments.

SeattleGraceMercyDeath Thu 04-Sep-14 21:10:25

Just as an aside, midwifery is a very demanding stressful job. Not something you can just 'get into' you need a degree and be willing to work bloody hard for not much reward.

I hope your sister can grow up a bit and concentrate first and foremost on her new baby and then when the baby is here, arrange DNA tests and at least get some form of financial support in place.

Good luck.

temporaryusername Thu 04-Sep-14 21:12:54

OP, I do think you should talk to your sister at some point about how and why she got herself in this position, it sounds like there could be some underlying issue, in addition to the obvious issues! It seems quite out of touch with reality for her to think that she can have any sort of relationship with whoever turns out to be the father, if that is what you mean?

Has she had a full STD check?

These men are behaving incredibly badly. How stupid and unfeeling can they be? You cannot be tricked into having a child, unless you used a condom and at the same time were told by a woman you know and trust well that she is on the pill or other precaution. Even then you still have to take responsibility for the fact that when you have sex pregnancy is always a possibility, even if remote with the right precautions.

he started to step back and question why she had done this and what he could possibly do because he doesn't live close. He also said that he finds it very hard to imagine having feelings for a child where he has no feelings for the mother

Why she has done what? Had sex with him? Yes, I can see why he'd question that as he's obviously a horrible man. When it came to risking pregnancy, she has done exactly the same as he did. Also, what on earth is the meaning of the second statement, it is still his child!!

I understand you all want to support your sister and I think that is right, but it isn't really your responsibility officially. It would be a valid choice to help her, but you shouldn't feel obliged to do more than you feel you can.

Has she given any explanation of all this, or expressed her feelings about getting into this position?

I agree with PP that beyond subtly making sure she has a way to contact these men, she should wait now until the baby is born and then take action to establish paternity.

rainbowinmyroom Thu 04-Sep-14 21:19:47

She needs to prepare to go it alone. None of these men has any obligation to visit or have a relationship with the child other than financial, and if they are unemployed or wasters, it won't be much.

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