Help! Sister pregnant from one night stand with 3 different guys who could be the father. Advice needed.

[Jaydeneb85]

Your advice is desperately needed on any aspect of this.

My younger sister age 21 has gotten pregnant. The ultrasound has managed to narrow down the window of conception but the problem is she slept with three different guys all in that conception window.

She has contacted all the guys. One is ignoring her, one told her to F off and the other was totally gobsmacked but at least didn't initially withdraw support. However she then started to pin all her hopes on him and started to contact him constantly after which he told her that he didn't want any contact pending the results of a paternity test.

She was working away when all of this happened and so all potential fathers live at least 8 hours away.

She is determined to go ahead with having the baby and I absolutely respect her decision but need any advice on how to deal with the situation.

As I understand it she knows a little bit about two of the guys but neither of them has any financial security and she thinks the third doesn't either.

God, how the hell is she going to make this work?
She doesn't really work and has no savings. She's going to move back in with mum and step dad. Me and my brother will give all the support she needs but I feel really sorry for this baby and also for my parents who are going to subsidise and help provide care.

Do you think any of these guys has an obligation to get involved? All seem to be saying they feel tricked into this? Since they don't live close, how often, if the father does choose to get involved, do you anticipate he will visit? I can't see this happening more than 4 times a year.... Is it better to have no father involvement at all the because it might be destabilising for the child??

How can I support her?

Also, I am just so confused as to how she could let this happen. Not using any contraception with any of these men?? So dangerous. Was she wanting to get pregnant? She is quite unstable and I wonder whether this was to try to get attention or a relationship from one of the guys and seeking to get us to get more involved in her life. How can we help build up her self esteem to ensure it doesn't happen again?? Should I raise this issue with her or is that offensive?

Any help most gratefully received x

I think now isn't the time to be thinking about career options. Especially knee jerk ones like pregnant = midwife! I have a car, don't feel like training as a mechanic.
Any kind of shift work could be harder for a single mother!

Your posts are lovely on the one hand, as you obviously care. On the other hand... I found myself screaming "back off! She has to grow up now"

You need to find a balance between supporting her, but not babying her.

Time for her to start researching benefits etc. Even financing a baby, if your mother can afford to give her a room and feed her for a year, she will have enough money. Not for fancy things, but that is her choice now. You do not need to financially support her - unless it is rallying round to give your mother money towards the cost of her being there.

What a sad situation, that she dreams of getting together with one of these no hopers.
I don't think her self esteem will improve if all her family start pushing on her how she should live her life.

She said she tried to get the morning after pill after the first guy but all the chemists in her town were closed (this sounds unlikely to me)

What is the window for taking the pill? I read a while ago that it was 72 hours. Have things changed?

She tried to get the morning after pill after the first guy and failed ........ Then went on to sleep with the other two without any protection ?

Is she fit to be a parent ?

Having this baby could be the making of her, she has alot of growing up to do and that wont happen if you dont let her stand on her own two feet. There is support, and then there is taking control. Let her do her own research, sort her own finances out, be there for moral support but dont do the dirty work for her. Let her make her own mistakes and learn from them.

Poor child to end up bought up by someone so chaotic! Hoping it does help her grow up! And a full STD check needed ASAP, any one of a number of things she could've picked up could cause her and / or the baby real problems if untreated

Do the men / your family in the UK because the talk of someone being 8 hours away has me confused.?

How will maintenance work out if they don't and there's no REMO agreement between the UK and where they are?

You sound lovely and how you want to look after your sister and her baby is commendable but how you and your family go about this now will set the tone for years ahead because I doubt very much all of you , minus your sister, won't be bringing up the wee one for years to come.

You all need absolute honesty from your sister regarding how she is in this mess because it's only when you all understand what's going on in her head that you'll have a better understanding if just how much beyond irresponsible she actually is.

The mention of the morning after pill is niggling away at me and unless there's something about the geography regarding this mess that's gone right over my head I think you were being fed a line by your sister and you truly don't deserve that one little bit.

As rainbow said, none of these me have an obligation to visit or be part of the child's life, and certainly not to have a relationship with your sister! She should just leave them all alone until a paternity test can be taken.

Oh and don't feel sorry for the child. Sounds like he or she will have a lot of support from wider family.

You sound like an amazing sister. Your sister has been silly, but she is going to have to live with the consequences for the rest of her life.

I think the first thing she needs to do is to stop trying to contact any of the men until the baby has arrived. She has told them all she is pregnant and that they could possibly be the father. Until the child is born there is little else she can do.

Once the child is here I would then try again to make contact, and try and arrange paternity testing asap. Only once she has a definitive answer will it be time to see how much involvement the father wants/is likely to have. Financially, he will have an obligation to provide for his child but that could be as little as £5 if he is on benefits.

As for career options, I would leave thinking about that for the time being. Once she has the child there will be programs she can get on to help her find work.

Have you helped her with the dates? A woman who has unprotected sex with 3 men in a fortnight might not be able to work her dates out properly. You know, all the stuff about length if sperm viability, and that conception is 2 weeks later than scan says. She should also have a full sti check in case she has a disease that will affect baby if untreated.

It's to you and your family's credit you have rallied round your DSis. I am sure between you all, she and her baby will be looked after.

Going back to your intro, where you wondered what her thinking was. From what you have described it sounds like your DSis is an emotionally immature 21 year old who lacks the skills or experience to cope with reality. I understand what posters mean when they say, this baby could be the making of her but I'd be uneasy about this. I wonder if she's ever been able to analyse her actions? You pondered whether she got in this situation to get the family's attention, if so that certainly worked. I doubt whether she has much sense of personal responsibility.

For that reason I'd urge her to get counselling before the baby arrives.

I can see why people are blaming the men, who aren't exactly covered in glory at the moment, but the fact is that they once had sex with her without protection. She had sex three times without protection! After one time she was concerned enough to consider the MAP, but not concerned enough to actually get hold of it - very hard to believe when most big supermarkets have a pharmacy open from 8 am until 10 pm.

Now that she is pregnant, she still isn't taking responsibility and all her family are running around wondering how to make life easier for her.

I've nothing against people having one night stands - nothing at all - but the idea of a young woman being so careless - literally - that she gets pregnant when she doesn't know the father and can't support herself really horrifies me. Everyone has to take responsibility except her, even now.

OP, you need to stand back now and put the question to her, "What are you going to do now? How will you make this work?"

Agree with Imperial.

If I were advising her, I would suggest terminating. Have a baby when she's sorted herself out a bit. I imagine your mum will bring up the child, Op.

If I were advising any of the three potential fathers, I would tell them to keep clear for now, wait, and keep their fingers crossed. I am not surprised they are not jumping up and down with joy at this.

Her biggest problem will be getting the three men to take a paternity test, and the fact that none of them are wanting to be contact with her proves she will have a massive up hill struggle.

And as you say, they're 8 hrs away, good luck with that.

Was she bar staff or something in a holiday destination as it's 8 hrs away? Has she had an STI test?

If she and the men concerned (if she is sure it's only those three) have happily had unprotected sex, then they've done so with others as well.

Unfortunately there is an innocent life at stake here, that if it is brought in to this world, is your sister going to step up and be a responsible single mother, or leave it to your parents to raise the child and finance it?

Dear god what a fuck up! I really do think she should address her obvious issues before bring a child into the world, for her sake and the child's. To have such little self worth as to be so reckless (I'm not anti ONSs, but FFS use condoms!) suggests she has more problems than the fact she's pregnant. Jay, do you think she would go to counselling to explore the life choices she's making?

She should terminate.

she's disgusting, immature and irresponsible. she needs to grow up - and bringing an innocent child into her mess of a life is not the way to do it.

At this point I'd be very concerned for her mental health.

I'm sorry but imo I think she intended to get pregnant... Unprotected sex with 3 different guys, the MAP story is bullshit and now she's convinced she can make a relationship with whoever the father turns out to be when all 3 have basically told her to fuck off.

She sounds unstable and in need of some kind of assessment and help.

I think your sister sounds like she needs done help. 3 one night stands without protection is disgraceful behaviour.

The men involved are just as much to blame. I don't really understand why your sister wants the baby when she can't really support it financially and it will end up being a financial burden on your parents. How do they feel.

I think your sister needs a harsh word and a reality check and needs to reconsider keeping it. (I say this as someone who has has a termination myself)

Home Bargains has DNA tests for £4.99, apparently.

Was she on a holiday or something? 3 different men, 8 hrs away.... has she seen Mamma Mia?!

I think she is going to have to forget all ideas of a career for a bit. Providing she is not anti-abortion for ethical or religious reasons then I think a very serious chat about the realities and cost of childcare is needed. Will her parents/you/step-parent really be able to pick up the slack childcare-wise while she works/studies??

I was wondering whether the DSis is in a good place mentally, or might be unwell. Is she frequently reckless, or was this a distinct episode?

I do have to say though that I don't think it's necessarily a sign of mental illness to have unprotected sex with 3 people in a month. Very, very stupid and risky but not exactly unheard of for 21 yr olds....

It's not necessarily a sign of anything at all. But it might be, especially if out of character.

Everyone

thank you so much for all your replies. They were so helpful. So...

on conception it turns out that there were FIVE guys in that one month I.e after her last period she slept with five unprotected, but ultrasound narrowed it down to 3 guys on fertile bit of cycle. Of those three, 2 have a more or less equal chance and 1 is less likely although ultrasound was in 12th week so there is a margin for error of about 1 week and so nothing is certain.

I am absolutely astonished she could be so reckless. I find myself getting very very angry at the moment but trying not to show her. She must have wanted this baby, right? Otherwise why sleep with that many guys unprotected.... And that is just that one month. God knows what happened the previous months. the thing about trying to get the morning after pill just the once but not being able to just sounds like bollo**s to me and I'm angry that she thinks she can bullshit in this situation. Maybe she just embarrassed though and trying to cover up.

Yes she had std checks at the doc as part of ante natal care and all ok astonishingly.

I am exhausted at the mo thinking that I am going to have to help to provide support for years to come. I just feel this incredibly heavy responsibility at the moment weighing me down. She isn't fit to be a parent..,, clearly there are issues there and in any case she can't support the child financially and isn't in a relationship.

I had a serious talk with her at the weekend and she confirmed she is keeping the baby. I cannot argue with that and didn't say anything. But I am really really concerned.

Yes I agree with posters that this is her responsibility and we cannot take control but she's going to be living with mum and mum will be paying for everything and clearly she needs guidance if she messed up enough to get herself into this situation.

I've told mum external counselling would be a good idea as if anything it will take some burden/control away from us.

Re the child maintenance issue, thank you so much to SunbathingCat that was really useful. I had spoken to an adviser at child maintenance and she was really helpful. Thing is at the end of the day if the father doesn't work or doesn't earn much it's not going to help that much in terms of finances.

a couple of people have asked if this is in the uk. Yes, my sis was waitressing and bar tending at the start of the summer away from home.... So that is why there is such a distance between her and the men involved.

Feeling so depressed about this. Sorry if that was a bit of a rant :-(