Help! Sister pregnant from one night stand with 3 different guys who could be the father. Advice needed.

[Jaydeneb85]

Your advice is desperately needed on any aspect of this.

My younger sister age 21 has gotten pregnant. The ultrasound has managed to narrow down the window of conception but the problem is she slept with three different guys all in that conception window.

She has contacted all the guys. One is ignoring her, one told her to F off and the other was totally gobsmacked but at least didn't initially withdraw support. However she then started to pin all her hopes on him and started to contact him constantly after which he told her that he didn't want any contact pending the results of a paternity test.

She was working away when all of this happened and so all potential fathers live at least 8 hours away.

She is determined to go ahead with having the baby and I absolutely respect her decision but need any advice on how to deal with the situation.

As I understand it she knows a little bit about two of the guys but neither of them has any financial security and she thinks the third doesn't either.

God, how the hell is she going to make this work?
She doesn't really work and has no savings. She's going to move back in with mum and step dad. Me and my brother will give all the support she needs but I feel really sorry for this baby and also for my parents who are going to subsidise and help provide care.

Do you think any of these guys has an obligation to get involved? All seem to be saying they feel tricked into this? Since they don't live close, how often, if the father does choose to get involved, do you anticipate he will visit? I can't see this happening more than 4 times a year.... Is it better to have no father involvement at all the because it might be destabilising for the child??

How can I support her?

Also, I am just so confused as to how she could let this happen. Not using any contraception with any of these men?? So dangerous. Was she wanting to get pregnant? She is quite unstable and I wonder whether this was to try to get attention or a relationship from one of the guys and seeking to get us to get more involved in her life. How can we help build up her self esteem to ensure it doesn't happen again?? Should I raise this issue with her or is that offensive?

Any help most gratefully received x

Jesus Christ, YOU don't have to provide any support because YOU aren't the parent!

Why the hell isn't your sister, you is a complete numpty btw, considering a termination? Why is your sister taking NO responsibility for her own actions and expecting you and your family to pay for and provide for a child of HER making? I seriously can't fathom how you haven't told your sister where to go? Because I'm pretty sure my parents would have torn me a new one for being so fucking careless to shag 5 men WITHOUT contraception, in an obvious bid to get knocked up, without a job to speak of.

Your sister doesn't need counselling, she needs a damn kick up the backside...

I think you need to let your sister decide things for herself.
Up thread you stated that you would need to find out about benefits which is her responsibility not yours.
She needs her own house and to sort out the finances etc.
Have you and your mum always lived her life for her?
She is 21, you have to let her go.

Anybody else recognise Mamma mia story here?

I'd just say that from your perspective it's always going to be easier to add support in the future than take it away.

I would really urge you (all the family) to take a step back and let your DSis try to step up and manage this herself.

I know that you feel she needs guidance and you want to do the best for your niece / nephew, but she will become (if she isn't already) so reliant on you all that it will prevent her from standing on her own two feet.

The best thing for your niece / nephew is a strong, confident, independent mum who is supported by her family but not dependent on them - there's a crucial difference.

She's 21 and she's put herself in a difficult situation. Counselling may help, as would a visit to CAB to see where she stands with regards to benefits / housing etc but she needs to arrange all this herself. She also needs her own house and a plan for getting back into the workforce - your mum can still help with babysitting etc but they need to be able to escape each other too, which is so hard to do in one house.

Please stop protecting her and let her find her own way, for all your sakes, otherwise I fear you will find yourselves so wrapped up emotionally and financially in this mess that you will come to resent her in the difficult years to come and your mum will miss out on the joys of being a grandmother as she may find she has to play more of a 'mother' role in the planned situation.

You sound like a wonderful big sister who has always looked out for her, but now is the time for your sister to learn about consequences and to grow into the mum that her child will need to guide them through life as you have done for her.

Er this is a zombie thread....

Another zombie thread:-/

The poster who reanimated this zombie thread has been deleted from others this morning.

I agree with some of the PP... Its lovely for your sis that she has a supportive family who are rallying around her. But I can't help thinking that she is 21, not 14... She obviously made the decision to become a single parent knowing her situation was unfavourable, or at very best was extremely reckless and naive but 5 different people makes me think the former.
When I had my DD at 21 (admittedly with partner) I had support from my parents but there was no doubt that this was my baby and my issues to deal with! I never lived with them, never expected them to do childcare for me, found the best paid, best hours job that I could ASAP and basically swim or sink! (knowing that my parents would help if desperate).
Sorry but just can't see where the motivation is for her to get it together if you are all doing all of the running for her as if she were a child. She needs to be the one doing the research, considering finances, making enquires about benefits, making a long term plan etc...
None of my elder siblings were more than happy and "you know where we are if you need us", it was defo not their "problem" and I would never have expected them to contribute in any kind of way!
Think you need to step back a bit xx

I'm sure this story was on Radio 4 Woman's Hour recently!

Well, as the baby would be over two by now, I should imagine that the auntly role is quickly the well established (whatever happened over the putative fathers)

I had my third baby on Friday night and was sat at my desk on Monday morning. I had no choice. Bit extreme in my case but no reason why she can't work for the first year of her child's life. It looks like she is going to have to.

I'd also ask her why she slept with 3 men unprotected in one week.

Zombie thread.

Almost makes it worse, now wondering what ever happened, if they found out which was the father etc!

DNA test is the only solution...

I think she's had the DNA was nearly three years ago.

ZOMBIE THREAD